I’ve been on a break but am back to writing now. Mostly I had kept hitting a wall of resistance which I can’t seem to get a look into. I figured maybe it may present itself if I just allow myself to do something else for a while but still not entirely. The resistance is of a psychosomatic nature. Like the trunk of the tree which makes up ‘me’. Only recently I saw it as being made up of loyalty. And it’s like the loyalty to the Human Condition itself if that makes sense. I’m finding that standing on my own two feet in the sense of feeling good come what may is bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel. Others meaning everyone in my life and even what I read on the news. Maybe I should return to the question “can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?”. Or perhaps it’s a storm to simply weather?
Another feeling that is coming more to the fore is this feeling of weariness. I’m wondering what its cause is. It’s almost like the complete opposite of that sweetness. Now I’m thinking that this feeling is because I’m not able to get past the “storm” of doubt mentioned previously. I am now thinking that this goes back to the previous post where the wall of it is that ‘I will go insane’. And when I look at what this “insane” is composed of, it’s imagery of me not being able to take care of myself or being put in a state of danger. Not having any control.
I’ve also been sometimes getting a brief and random experience of what I can only describe as “richness” (as per gradations of intimacy) but more of a nature experience variety. I’m not sure what I’m doing to trigger them. It reminded me of how I used to get more of these experiences when I was younger. Like the universe is ‘in my face’. There’s a while smorgasboard of delight that I’m missing out on every moment. One time I looked at my partner and I started wondering how I can bring this experience with her and really with anyone. What’s in the way is my anxieties but I’m feeling a renewed invigoration to have it happen. If only this part of me that is feeling this storm of doubt and anxiety would subside or come to terms with it then this experience could possibly happen much more. But I’m feeling an increased willingness to divulge what stands in the way.