Just read through a couple of journals and I found them very helpful. In fact, I’ve found a lot of useful tips and reminders from reading posts here so I thought that I would start my own . Of course my mind starts to go blank as I start to type all of this out. I’ve been reflecting on my own post that I wrote last and how perhaps a lot of my anxiety and feeling bad stems mainly from a tendency. That is, I had turned the method into a way of feeling bad rather than good. Despite the misery this has caused me, I find it weirdly funny right now. But I have been feeling relatively good these past two days. And I can confidently say that is from choosing to go back to feeling good every time I notice that a bout of anxiety is about to start. I think I’ve done enough investigating for a while lol.
Yes, journaling has been also a gift i gave my future self, as i will occasionally read back on something and remember the success i had, or notice that i am feeling significantly better than i was at some point in the past.
Although over investigating gets a bad rap, it’s also a lot better than many hobbies used to cope. Collecting insights has its own built-in fun to it. It’s not the actualism method, but it is better than stamps and pokemon.
I was cleaning out my room this weekend and I came across the numerous completely filled out notepads of my investigations over the past 2 years. It was kinda cool/funny to see so many words written by an entity who has no existence, trying to suss himself out.
I think a lot of these investigations were done out of desperation and I am not sure if they were helpful or not ultimately but I did ALOT haha.
It did almost turn intro some hobby/coping mechanism at one point, I am sure @Sonyaxx can remember my daily routine of a hot bath, glass of whisky and pen and paper to hand
You would disappear for ages
Recently tried marijuana again after many years. In the past I’ve had one bad experience with most other times nothing happening. This time the experience was pretty good. The past weekend I went on a trip with some friends where recreational marijuana was legalized and tried some out. I set my intention prior to enjoying the company of everyone I was with and being completely engaged with the world. It turned out to be a great time before devolving into an ASC type state (and even then was pretty good). In the first half, I felt great and I found I could not “look back” at myself. I could not go “inside” as there was no inside. This was actually quite great and very freeing. It was as if all my problems had disappeared. The world itself had widened. There was a definite sense of wonder that reminded me of how I experienced the world when I was a child. I remember commenting to my friends that this was one of the best experiences I had had in a while. It was a PCE for a brief time before devolving. Then my attention “shrunk”, and liminal spaces started to appear that were “outside”, and my body felt lazy while my mind was completely alert. I could look at something and keep my attention on it forever.
With that said, I’m in no hurry to try it again. It was just refreshing to see how close feeling great was as I didn’t really go through any process. It was literally one moment I was feeling okay, then I was feeling great. Fun times!
These are exciting times! @claudiu I wanted to write this as a record and as a confirmation of your recent understanding and experience of pure intent as I too am having the same experience! I also wanted to write this as a test to myself and see if I can put my money where my mouth is lol. I had been reflecting on what you wrote in your journal on pure intent and how it is always there. I particularly looked for the quality conveyed in your descriptions and along with Richard’s descriptions. In addition, I also rememorated how I had experienced it before but abandoned it due to both ‘me’ and this purity existing simultaneously. As odd as it may sound, it’s actually how it is experienced. There’s the old and there’s the new and then you have a choice. The old is ‘me’ and the entirety of the ‘Human Condition’ and the new is something that’s always there by virtue of being alive.
Three nights ago I sat on the bedroom floor contemplating and looking for this quality of pure intent. It has no feeling tone and could not be felt out but I knew how to look for it due to a recognition of it from the descriptions. There’s a certain quality to being alive as a body that conveys it. It’s an awareness of existing as a body. It can only be known by being alive. As I reflected on it, it started to become apparent. It immediately and delicately started to have an effect on my state of being. I felt happy, joyous, and delighted. And it became clear to me that this was the way forward. All I need to do is to “lock-on” to this quality of being alive. There were some responses feeling-wise such as a habitual cynicism which cropped up but this quality of pure intent being recognized as reliably always there made quick work of it and it dissolved it into optimism. Pure intent cannot be felt out but one way you can also see you are experiencing it is through the effect it has on your state of being. You may experience any feeling (good, bad, or felicitous) but there’s the awareness that everything is well. And the more you reflect on it and experience it, the more you automatically start to feel felicitous heightened sensuosity as well conincidentally. As I continued reflecting on this, more qualities of pure intent started to make themself known. It was completely safe. It’s so very safe to be here. At this point I was starting to become overjoyed but not in a jittery and coarse type of manner. My entire being was quivering in delight and there was a relief from the acknowledgement that all was well.
Then something magical happened that words fail to convey. There was some sort of feeling that disappeared from my chest and abdomen (which I only then knew was there due to its absence) and that entire area had a delightful and cool sensation. Not only that, at this point all of my worries, fears, and traumas had disappeared to the point that I didn’t even know if they ever even existed. I was alarmed but again not in a jittery and fearful way. For a brief moment I thought that I was actually free and paused my reflection and diverted attention away. Then some feelings came back. But I was still delighted at what had happened. This pure intent is always there. In the following days and even now as I am typing this, it’s there. I’m now reflecting on everything written on the AFT website and more and more things start to make sense every day. And this time it seems like a real possibility for me. What particularly has been standing out has been how this pure intent (to my never-ending surprise) is not contaminated by ‘me’ at all. ‘I’ am always expecting (perhaps due to a life-time of cynicism) it to devolve or disappear but it always exists and is in its own realm.
An added bonus to this was that all of this was happening while my roommate was in the same room. She had been in the depths of sorrow and was crying at being overwhelmed by work. I had sat with her in the room to offer some solace if she needed it. Then as I stood up and went to her, she immediately commented how I seemed happy now.
Some more things happened in the next two days. I woke up and started to feel the usual things that I feel. Then I remembered what happened the previous night and I felt delighted again. Because this pure intent is there, I am no longer afraid to feel any feeling. There were times throughout the day when I would experience the same pure intent and delight completely unprovoked and spontaneously. I remember driving home and and was on the verge of reveling in feeling sorrow, but instead to my surprise it stopped in its tracks and I spontaneously experienced the quality of pure intent. I wasn’t thinking about pure intent or actualism or even trying to do anything. This happened a few more times through the day. I cannot ignore it anymore that it is there. It also brings back memories of other times that I had experienced this quality. In fact, it has been with me my entire life but I had dismissed it due to doubt. Now I suspect maybe its because it has no feeling tone to it or any felt “reward” for it that I didn’t go along with it.
Another experience I had was yesterday. I have some traumas from the past that get triggered in certain instances. Yesterday there were some interactions which triggered a trauma of abandonment and feeling left completely alone and helpless. This was a strong trauma such that it would take me days to get back out of it. I noticed at that moment that there was a choice and I remembered the quality of pure intent. I experienced both the pure intent and the trauma simultaneously as I did the feelings prior and then the traumatic feelings stopped spiraling down and went away! I’m gaining more confidence every day and will try to see if I can do what I did before. But right now I’m just delighting in being here
OMG awesome !!!
While reading this I realize that I came up with the emoji as a way to attempt to represent pure intent haha. Very appropriate here!!
I had the same experience as you reading the AFT once I found pure intent — it just all started to make perfect sense.
Wow how fantastic that words on the Internet were able to convey it well enough that it allowed you to establish a connection to the purity !!! !!
This is wonderful to read!
Lately when I’m in fear I see myself as this deer, eyes rolling, running blind-scared, but nothing bad is happening, it is the natural thing for an animal to do, to be scared. It’s no bother. I’m interested to feel good instead, but it’s not such a problem
Reading these reports makes me wonder something about a discussion we all had a while ago now, I think it might have been on zulip.
I think the convo was initially brought up by Felix and it was regarding the action of enjoying and appreciating, I remember he was presenting it as a math equation of sorts like A = A. I remember there was a bit of a rift on the forum with some of us finding that it is possible at any point and regardless of how I feel to tap into enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. Like that was the action in itself which could be done at any time. I remember @claudiu writing something about a work meeting and finding himself anxious but then being able to enjoy and appreciate anyways.
At that point I was more leaning towards this being dissociation, as how can I honestly say that I am enjoying and appreciating whilst at the same time sorrow/malice is in the picture?
However reading these reports now it makes me wonder wether what we were really talking about but could not quite formulate properly yet was the ability to tap into pure intent?
As in I can be fully aware of ‘myself’ getting up to various tricks whilst at the same time maintaining a connection to that Purity.
It is quite an odd thing and I share your guys experience, that it is possible to be (to varying degrees) aware of that purity whilst at the same time ‘I’ am (also in varying degrees) coming stronger and weaker into the picture, that is the whole ‘spiral’ thing for me.
Also the thing to add about the Pure intent being experienced in varying degrees, the purity itself does not vary, it is all to do with ‘me’, as in the more out of the way ‘I’ get and the more ‘I’ allow it, the more it is being experienced, the purity itself is not changing though, it is like you guys said completely reliable.
It is probably not an accident that the This Moment article states enjoying and appreciating is facilitated by feeling good - ie it’s not equivalent to, but facilitated by, feeling good.
Hi @cross.chrono , that is a wonderful description of your experience.
How long have you been doing the Atualism method ?
and have you had PCE’s to be able to tap into this Pure intent ?
Hi @cross.chrono . You have mentioned “reflection” several times in this most wonderful post.
Could you please explain more about this type of activity … e.g. how do you go about it, what is the
process looks like for you, etc. etc.
Hi @FrankN, thanks for your questions as I hadn’t written here for quite a while. This may be a good spot to jot down a little bit of my history. I’ve actually been “practicing” actualism since 2010. I put practicing in quotes as I hadn’t really been consistently enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. I had also taken very long breaks away due to issues in my life that were very overwhelming. But back then, actualism was co-opted by the affers and I was following that way of practicing it and I had to slowly discover what actualism was really about. But with that said, there was a rather big set-back that I had been struggling with since which has really hampered practicing actualism as well. I really wish I had never gotten into contact with any of the affers. Nevertheless, there’s something that I recognized in Richard’s writings since day one of reading them. This was what kept me going and made me quickly abandon spirituality.
I have had PCE’s, but I wouldn’t describe them as very long. And I have a tendency to forget the details after a certain amount of time. I suspect maybe this is peculiar to ‘me’. I only remember a certain quality about it and always have the experience of “it could happen now”. Or another way of phrasing it is “this moment is happening now” and when I become aware of this then there’s also the feeling that something is imminent. But I also think I’ve always had this sort of connection. This is what I think let me immediately recognize what Richard points to in his writings.
I suppose when I say reflection, I mean an active thinking with all your being. I’m also usually in a setting (e.g. my room or walking in nature) and neutral-good mood that’s conducive to reflecting. When I reflected on how it is always this moment there’s a fascination that went along with it. “Is it really this moment? Wow, it really is this moment. It’s always happening. Only this moment is happening now”. I was fascinated with that simple fact. This full participation of my being (fascination) allows the seeing of the fact and simultaneously also has an effect on my feeling state as well. Idk if that makes it clearer lol. Reflecting in this way also allows me to more easily rememorate-presentiate the quality of a PCE in my experience.
i just found out that you came up with this emoji Claudiu . just wanted to acknowledge it , and show the appreciation for it .
i don’t need any reply or like button or anything …even i don’t need any acknowledgement of you reading this writing , but i wish there was a key button in this Forum that would show just the acknowledgement of something that we read here , acknowledgement not that we liked the writing , but just to show that we acknowledged something …
This has got me thinking . I’ve always thought about Richard saying how one can use fear to swing to the other side. The mis-understanding and mis-application of this advice has put me through a lot of turmoil. But what Srinath writes here makes a lot of sense. To focus on EE’s and PCE’s. So that’s what I’ll try!
That’s the feeling of authority in the background. The feeling saying that what I’m experiencing is small and trivial and meaningless if not serving the “whole”. Whatever that “whole” may be, whether some person or government or ideal or principle.
Trying to become free the “right” way is what is getting in the way of freedom. To freely enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive.
I remember the experience of having no authority. It felt so freeing and everything seemed still. There was no one making up any rules that I had to live by. It was great to just be here.
I find that I’m able to more clearly see now how ‘I’ operate. I’m operating from a place of confusion and doubt. The doubt has been impressed into ‘me’ since childhood. Others know better than me on how to ‘be’. How to live life. I’m constantly questioning myself and filtering ‘my’ thoughts and feelings through what others would think. Self-image and psychological time are very common features. In particular, self-image and how I appear to others seems to matter a lot. Maybe it’s just a result of being raised by parents from an Eastern culture. Even if I had an excellence experience, ‘I’ eventually start looking through psychological time and view the ‘future’ in a bleak way. The ‘future’ is always bleak through 'Humanity’s eyes. Better cling together with Hope and Love and maybe one day salvation will come. Of course it’s always after death.
I feel a wall of fear that’s as if others aren’t letting me be free. I’m waiting for others (Humanity) to give me permission to be happy and harmless. With a lifetime conditioning of having free enjoyment squashed down through cynicism being shoved down my throat, I’m afraid to challenge Humanity. There’s all sorts of fears and how grim and lonely it will be if I don’t do what others tell me. That’s what it feels like anyways. I wonder if going through this is the only way?
This isn’t advice, however it’s what I am aiming for.
Play. Planning enjoyable events. Colour, vibrancy.
I remember the world being different colours when I was a kid.
I was feeling that I really wanted to have some fun last night. It was cold outside, I was still coughing.
I ended up dancing to one of my favourite tunes.
Surprisingly, it worked!
I was alone and enjoying my own company. No permission needed.
Yes I am aiming for this too. But I can’t shake off this feeling of “I can’t have fun by myself” or the feeling that I"ll be punished if I step outside of the herd or do something contrary to what I’ve been conditioned. I can barely get a look in. Sometimes I’ll have fun anyway and it’s very freeing, but the issue being it comes back. I’ve been trying to stay with the question of what the root cause of it is.
So far I’ve been able to see that what this conditioning is composed of is self-image and psychological time. It features very often in my life. So much so that a big portion of many days is consumed in some form of neuroticism over it. But this seeing of what it is lately while it is happening has been empowering. To challenge this conditioning feels like I have to prove to others and “win” in an argument that this is the correct thing to do rather than freely abandon it. There’s a nagging feeling of something will go wrong otherwise.
I had a breakthrough seeing about three months back at work where I actually experienced what it would be like to be outside of all this. It was one of the most freeing experiences ever. Basically there was no one in charge of anything. Everything was free and still. I’ve been trying to get to that ever since.