Further, it’s because I am a better version of me with alcohol that I can consider what you are saying and what I said, and go ahead an explain it.
Normal me just gets angry and shuts down or goes into hiding in my “ivory tower “,. Tipsy me is far more interested in being engaged.
Andrew: Seriously though, I have swam with these jellyfish as a kid, threw a couple back in from the shallow water the other day, and I have never heard them say anything malicious or sorrowful.
Hi Andrew,
Perhaps this link gives you a more informative overview why imagining to be like an animal would not solve the problem of instinctual passions. (Sundry, FAQ16 – Why do you say animals are unhappy?)
Further information can be found in Richard’s Selected Correspondence on Animals (link, link).
Andrew: These scientific type statements on the AFT do my head in; a jellyfish is closer to a tree or mushroom that to me. (link)
And yet you said, only 2 hrs later –
It is not your various cells which dictate how you feel and behave, it is your social-instinctual identity who does. When you recognize and acknowledge that you either get angry or withdraw in a particular conversation, you can decide to do something to minimise these feelings with affective attentiveness and sincere intent via applying the actualism method instead of side-stepping the problem.
*
Andrew: Regarding “hedonism” I was using it in the way Peter and Richard used it, as in straight colloquial usage of pleasure. I would say that the contradiction of the definition you linked and the many colloquial uses on the AFT leave a large confusion on exactly what was being encouraged when sex is endorsed as something to be explored. In everyday speech, hedonism refers to chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Simple as that.
How was that was read as me seeking emotional “pleasure” in physical pleasure or pain, I can sorta see now that I am writing it, because I did say it. That I was leaning into uncomfortable things, including exercise.
For context, the thought was in the middle of considering Kuba’s recent reference to sex, and the thoughts were “well, that ain’t happening any day soon, but I wonder if lifting these weights could feel good?” (link)
What you overlooked when Richard used the word ‘hedonism’ “in straight colloquial usage of pleasure” that he clearly states that “actualism, being *most definitely not hedonism*”. He is clearly not encouraging “chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake” as that would be “narcissistic hedonism”.
Richard: … nowhere on The Actual Freedom Trust web site is the slightest trace to be seen anywhere whatsoever, amongst any of those millions of freely available words and writings, of either promoting and/or promulgating a ‘narcissistic hedonism’ or promoting and/or promulgating being so by ‘putting one’s own enjoyment and interests first and foremost’ (let alone promoting and/or promulgating being so ‘without much […] respect for moral principles to minimise the impact on others’ either) be it with or without an intimate connection betwixt the pristine-purity of an actual innocence and the near-purity of the sincerity of naiveté (i.e., pure intent).
On the contrary, what is promoted and/or promulgated on the web site is enjoying and appreciating being alive/ being here each moment again – that is, despite the normal vicissitudes of life – by establishing a general feeling of well-being (a.k.a. ‘feeling good’), as a bottom line of experiencing and, thereby, all the while agreeably complying with the legal laws and observing the social protocols (i.e., the many and various customs, traditions, conventions, values, principles, morals, ethics, codes, observances, etiquettes, niceties, formalities, ceremonies, rituals, and so on, as observed in many and various ways in the many and various countries around the world).
Moreover, as a central aim in all the above is the fellowship regard of an actual intimacy whereby it is impossible to not like one’s fellow human being – and given that the means to the end are no different than that end (other than affectively for the one, in the meanwhile, and actually for the other, upon the end) – then any phantasy talk about having to minimise ‘the impact on others’ is patently preposterous, as well, as to maximise ‘the impact on others’ is to facilitate a global spread of peace and harmony. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism).
I recommend reading the whole section of the above correspondence (1st selection) as this correspondent seems to be misinterpreting the actualism method in a similar way as you presently do.
Richard: ‘To feel pleasure affectively (hedonistically) is a far cry from the direct experiencing of the actual where the retinas revel in the profusion of colour, texture and form; the eardrums carouse with the cavalcade of sound, resonance and timbre; the nostrils rejoice in the abundance of aromas, fragrances and scents; the tastebuds savour the plethora of tastes, flavours and zests; the epidermis delights to touch, caress and fondle … a veritable cornucopia of luscious, sumptuous sensuosity.
All the while is the apperceptive wonder that this marvellous paradise actually exists in all its vast array. (Richard, AF List, No. 27, 8 Jan 2002).Richard: Hmm … I have no need of a contrast whatsoever. The perfection of this moment in eternal time and this place in infinite space is so pleasurable that people who call me a hedonist are missing the mark … hedonism is nowhere near as pleasurable as this that is my on-going experiencing. (…)
A cheap throwaway line … you have asked me before about hedonism before and I have explained it to you. I am not going to copy and paste that exchange because it is simply a waste of time. You are going to continue to run the line that Richard is a hedonist no matter what I say on the subject. So be it. You are a fool. (Richard, Konrad Correspondence, Page 15, 11 Nov 1998).Richard: I was wondering when someone would introduce the label ‘Hedonist’ into this list – and who it would be. As ‘Hedonism’ is merely the opposite of ‘Asceticism’, (which, I understand, is your current path to obtain enlightenment) it is but an example of dualistic thinking. (Richard, List A, No. 4, #No. 03)
Richard: Also, as you have titled this e-mail ‘actualism = hedonism’, the following will be informative:
• [Richard]: ‘… what I write is a report, a description, and an explanation, of what life is like in this actual world – the sensate world of this body and that body and every body; the world of the mountains and the streams; the world of the trees and the flowers; the world of the clouds in the sky by day and the stars in the firmament by night and so on and so on ad infinitum – which is the world which becomes apparent when identity in toto (both ‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul) become extinct.
In other words, the affective faculty in its entirety (which includes its epiphenomenal psychic facility) has no existence whatsoever … meaning that it is impossible to ever be hedonic (aka ‘a pleasure-seeker’) as the affective pleasure/ pain centre in the brain is null and void.
The following passage is how I have described the anhedonic actualism experience: [quote]: ‘To feel pleasure affectively (hedonistically) is a far cry from the direct experiencing of the actual where the retinas revel in the profusion of colour, texture and form; the eardrums carouse with the cavalcade of sound, resonance and timbre; the nostrils rejoice in the abundance of aromas, fragrances and scents; the tastebuds savour the plethora of tastes, flavours and zests; the epidermis delights to touch, caress and fondle … a veritable cornucopia of luscious, sumptuous sensuosity. All the while is the apperceptive wonder that this marvellous paradise actually exists in all its vast array’. [endquote].
Coupled with the inability to affectively feel pleasure is, of course, the inability to affectively feel pain (as in the pleasure/ pain principle which spiritualism makes quite an issue out of yet never does eliminate) even though most, if not all, definitions of anhedonia only say ‘the inability to feel pleasure’ … actualism, being *most definitely not hedonism*, can never be sadistic, masochistic, or sadomasochistic’. [emphasis in original]. (Richard, AF List, No. 74, 2 Sep 2004).Richard: Yes, the sex drive is an instinct … and this instinct – and other instincts – can be eliminated entirely. Then one is free to act appropriately according to the circumstances – and not out of an instinctual reaction. Instincts are not set in stone, they are simply ‘blind nature’s’ way of ensuing survival. With our thinking, reflective brain we can improve on nature in this respect, as we have done in so many other ways. Any instinctual drive can be eradicated.
Then one is free to enjoy the sexual act as a physical, sensual pleasure (not as an emotional or passionate ‘solution’ to loneliness and sorrow via love) or free to enjoy celibacy as an idiosyncratic celebration of singularity (not as a dispassionate or detached way to dissolve the ego via craftiness). It is then an act of free choice to have sex, or not have sex, just as easily in either alternative. No drive means no urge. With no urge there is nothing to have to deny, nor anything to have to indulge. Thus it is neither ‘Asceticism’ nor ‘Hedonism’ … this is an actual freedom.
I do not have any emotions to enjoy (or to dislike) as all feelings – emotions and passions – are no longer extant. (Richard, List A, No. 1).
I can only say it again for emphasis – nowhere in any of these quotes, taken from the selected correspondence on Hedonism, can I find Richard endorsing the “straight colloquial usage of pleasure”. Perhaps, if you looked up his correspondence, you overlooked the word “anhedonic” and “actualism, being *most definitely not hedonism*”.
Cheers Vineeto
Well, that will definitely mean I no longer call it hedonism.
I had a memory that the word had been used as I thought, but obviously not so. Your quotes are unambiguous.
To the point, the use of the word was that the cells of my body are not waiting on ‘me’ for instructions. They are already “enjoying “ being alive as cells do.
I couldn’t even name half the cells that exist in this beyond a general knowledge, and maybe a little bit more (I was always a fan of human biology stuff).
As to the cells producing ‘me’. You agree that they are not ‘me’. That was never in dispute, and was never my point.
My point got lost in reference to jellyfish. What I was saying is that none of the cells that make up me are waiting for my next survival plan. They “want” to live intrinsic to be what that are. The neurons, the smooth muscle cells of my heart, to the fibre of my ligaments and so on, are already alive.
I can’t even name them all. There are cells that I will never know the name of. Let alone know what they do, or how many there are of them.
That was the point of the posts. Jellyfish were something that appealed to me because I have been throwing a few back in the river, and I see them daily.
These were the types of references I had in mind with allowing pleasure;
PETER: What I came to see was that any resources I used or possessions I owned I had to pay for which meant I had to work for – i.e. sell my time to someone else in return for money. This realization was a slow dawning but I did have the sense to have a vasectomy after having two children, and soon adopted the quality-not-quantity approach to possessions. After meeting Richard I pushed the envelope a bit more, eventually trading my car for a new-age typewriter and reducing my work hours to a minimum in order to devote myself to the business of actualism as much as possible. Nowadays I find myself living a life of indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism yet at a level that would be easily be possible, sustainable and feasible for all human beings on the planet. To be an actualist is to become an ideal and model citizen of the world.
(Emphasis mine)
https://www.actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/peter/selected-correspondence/corr-hedonism.htm
Andrew: Well, that will definitely mean I no longer call it hedonism. (link)
Hi Andrew,
There is nothing wrong with using the word ‘hedonism’ if that is what you choose as your modus operandi. If you intend to be “chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Simple as that”, then hedonism is the exact word for this MO.
To just say you will no longer “call it hedonism” is not the issue – that is merely changing the label, not the action. The issue is rather, if you want to chase pleasure for pleasure’s sake, i.e. experience the ‘good’ feelings, push away or suppress the bad feelings under the guise. I only wanted to make it clear that this is not the actualism method.
Andrew: These were the types of references I had in mind with allowing pleasure;
‘Peter’: What I came to see was that any resources I used or possessions I owned I had to pay for which meant I had to work for – i.e. sell my time to someone else in return for money. This realization was a slow dawning but I did have the sense to have a vasectomy after having two children, and soon adopted the quality-not-quantity approach to possessions. After meeting Richard I pushed the envelope a bit more, eventually trading my car for a new-age typewriter and reducing my work hours to a minimum in order to devote myself to the business of actualism as much as possible. Nowadays I find myself living a life of indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism yet at a level that would be easily be possible, sustainable and feasible for all human beings on the planet. To be an actualist is to become an ideal and model citizen of the world. [emphasis by Andrew]. (Peter, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism, 28.5.2000).
(link)
Was it this ‘attractive option’ of “indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism” what coloured your understanding when you read Peter’s correspondence?
Of course, if one only focuses on feeling being ‘Peter’s’ experiential description one has to ignore that his experience was the result of practicing the actualism method which he described elsewhere, for instance –
‘Peter’: The essential method was to undertake a total investigation into anything that was preventing me from being happy and harmless now – after all, the point of living is to be happy and harmless now, not at some time in the future, or at some time in the past. The question to ask myself was, ‘How do I experience this moment of being alive?’ Now is, after all, the only time I can experience being happy. Any emotion such as anger, frustration or boredom that is preventing my happiness now, has to be traced back to its cause – the exact incident, thought, expectation or disappointment. At the root of this emotion is inevitably found a belief or an instinctual passion. The ruthless challenging, exposing and understanding of these beliefs and instinctual passions actually weakens their influence on my thoughts and behaviour. The process, if followed diligently and obsessively, will ultimately cause the beliefs to disappear completely and the instinctual passions to be greatly minimized. The idea, of course, is to eliminate the cause of my unhappiness, ‘me’, so that I can experience life at the optimum, here, now. (Peter’s Journal, Introduction).
And because you referred to Kuba’s recent message about sexual enjoyment (2 April 2026) “for context” here is another snippet of Peter’s report –
‘Peter’: So, it was obvious that the sex drive was the problem and the problem was in me. As an experiment, I decided to plunge fully into both masturbation and fantasy, to allow myself to push beyond the feelings of guilt and shame that had plagued me since my teenage years. I kept going beyond self-indulgence; and something curious began to happen. It became clear to me that this was just plain silly, stupid, mad and destructive. Here I was with a willing woman, to whom I was sexually attracted, and there was this drive in me that prevented me from being with her as a real woman. When I was with her sexually I would be thinking of other women, and I knew this to be a common male situation. When I saw other women I would be sexually attracted to them and fantasise about them. Facing this squarely in myself and contemplating it led me to a devastating conclusion. This sex drive within me is not concerned with me being happy with one woman; in fact, it is actively conspiring to prevent it! (Peter’s Journal, Sex).
This is to demonstrate that despite ‘Peter’s’ exuberant expression of “living a life of indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism”, it is not a philosophical advice but the lived description of the result of successfully applying the actualism method.
Just for completeness, because you seemed to have stopped looking after you found Peter’s quote – here are two examples of feeling being ‘Vineeto’s’ comment on hedonism –
‘Vineeto’: Those who overlook the second half of the phrase ‘happy and harmless’ often confuse actualism with hedonism and thus completely miss the point. You might be advised to check the topic of hedonism in The Actual Freedom Trust library – you will find that hedonism is diametrically opposite to an actual freedom from the human condition. (Vineeto, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism, 8.10.2003)
‘Vineeto’: Becoming free from the Human Condition of malice and sorrow means to pursue becoming happy and harmless. Whereas traditional Hedonism like the Charvakas have tried to suffocate or at least balance human sorrow by indulging in pleasures and avoiding pain, actualism aims to eliminate the root cause of malice and sorrow, one’s very ‘self’ – the animal instinctual passions with one’s overlaying social identity of beliefs, morals and ethics. (Vineeto, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism, 22.7.2000)
I only present this, plus the series of Richard’s quotes in my last message, to say there was no need for you to misunderstand actualism being equivalent to hedonism, unless you chose to and then hold actualists responsible for leaving a “large confusion” –
Andrew: Regarding “hedonism” I was using it in the way Peter and Richard used it, as in straight colloquial usage of pleasure. I would say that the contradiction of the definition you linked and the many colloquial uses on the AFT leave a large confusion on exactly what was being encouraged when sex is endorsed as something to be explored. In everyday speech, hedonism refers to chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Simple as that. [Emphasis added]. (link)
As a final clarification a quote from Richard in the Actual Freedom Library –
Richard: … and quite another to delightedly enjoy the ripples of pleasure that this body is patently capable of manifesting whilst actualizing benignity and blitheness.
These organic waves of sensational pleasure are usually constrained by the demands of the entity for emotional and passionate feelings … which are the synthetic compensations for the supposed indignity of having to be here at all as this despised body. When the psychological – and psychic – entity willingly abdicates its sovereignty and takes its leave, the senses can act in their optimum manner … just as when a normal person becomes blind, for instance, all the other senses are heightened. The result is a phenomenal increase in the pleasurable sensitivity of being a corporeal body in this very physical world. The resultant benevolence produces easy good-will, kindness and benevolence, for one is living in a friendly world … made all the more amiable because of the innate munificence and magnanimity of the purity of the perfection of the infinitude of the universe as is evidenced only at this moment in time.
This is important to comprehend, for under different conditions thoughtful people are prone to jumping to the conclusion that one would then be an out and out hedonist – an unfortunate appellation for I rather like the term and wished it received far better press – yet as a matter of fact and actuality, one is demonstrating one’s appreciation of all that the universe can offer by being here in a palpable and tangible sense. Instead of standing back and expressing a feeling – an emotion or passion – about this world, one is saying yes to existence in the most evident and obvious way … with tactile approbation and sensibly discernible relish. One is fully committed, for one has realised that life is inherently perfect … and it is possible to live that perfection all the time. Then – and only then – is one being here. Being here is a direct experiencing of the actuality of this moment that is hanging in time and is vastly superior to ‘me’ as an identity ‘living in the present’. When one is actually being here, one is totally immersed, completely involved in living. One is no longer ‘holding back’, saving oneself for Something after death or Someone who is deathless. One is out from control; no more is one keeping part of oneself in reserve, for this moment is freely living me … and I am all of me. Being here as an actuality is to be doing what is happening with the full endorsement of one’s entirety. [Emphases added]. (Actual Freedom Library, Hedonism)
It would be more beneficial and crowned with success to not put the cart before the horse – in other words, first removing the obstacles to feeling good as they occur, such as resentment or anger or hurt (hiding), rather than artificially creating pleasure via practicing hedonism, using alcohol and imagination. When those obstacles occur, you can look squarely at the feeling on a ‘deep feeling level’ (24 March 2026) as in ‘I’ am my feelings and my feelings are ‘me’, and recognizing this you can see how silly it is to waste this precious moment of being alive by being resentful, angry or hurt, and be feeling felicitous/ innocuous instead.
Cheers Vineeto
I’ve been back and forth and for the most part have been feeling neutral to good. There was one day where I was more in the feeling bad zone but that also didn’t hit the lows that it would have. I have been wondering about this committing to feeling good and its ramifications. With committing to feeling good, it means feeling good no matter the situation or circumstances. My life looked like it’s going in a different trajectory. I would be “giving up” a big part of who I currently thought and felt I was. I was wondering this for most of the day. At one point the feeling came back again that I would be punished. The thought of what my dad said of ‘I would be found out and tortured’ or ‘I wouldn’t be feeling good when they torture me’. And I had this realization that I would only be tortured because of ‘me’. All of the ‘me’ in every body. This was the nature of Humanity. To pull everyone down to its miserable depths. And this feeling went away right after.
Then the next day I was thinking about how self-immolation only happens when I’m ready. Why make it a hard effort? I started thinking about the irrevocability of it. I got some strange discomfort in my head and chest that I’ve gotten before. It’s like ‘I’ have a locality, like I’m hidden somewhere inside the body, but not actually there either. Why do I hide and what am I hiding from? What is it to be here fully? I can’t seem to remember the exact details but I had this realization that what I’ve been trying to do is change ‘me’ (as in purify ‘me’ to be un-corrupt) and that ‘I’ cannot change ‘me’. ‘I’ am all of the feelings waiting to happen. ‘I’ am the very corruption. As long as this ‘me’ is in place, ‘I’ could become anything. Then the discomfort stopped and this was like great news because it meant that ‘I’ did not have to try to change ‘me’. And that is so effortful. I didn’t need to “solve” ‘me’. I just need to feel good.
What followed was an another bout of overflowing feeling good. I was talking with my co-workers and to customers. There was almost no self-consciousness and the conversation was effortlessly fun. I spoke completely unrehearsed. There were no favorites and there was heightened sensuousness. I noticed how I was feeling good and felt even more good. I experienced the dynamic and energizing nature of this moment. I experienced this dynamicness as me. I saw the universe as it occurs right now is always in motion. Always dynamic. Always new. Always interesting. Almost like always being at the edge of my seat. I occur only right here in this moment of being alive. Inseparable from being this flesh and blood body. I saw other people and they too were living this actuality but completely not noticing it. Or rather those flesh and blood bodies were living this actuality perhaps. This experiencing was again other to ‘me’. ‘I’ could never be like this. It is actually occurring. There could be no doubt or comparison. There were ripples of delight flowing throughout my body. It continued from work til I got home. And each moment I am missing out on this.
Hi Vineeto,
Yes it makes everything easier if I’ve made committing to feeling good right now the number 1 priority. It makes sense now why I’d be more stuck in certain bad feelings in the past for a long time. It’s because that commitment had not been made. Now that it has, it’s just a matter of returning to that commitment if I notice I’m not feeling good and also figuring out why.
Yes that is exactly correct. My original start to the “search for peace” was when I encountered Buddhism. At the time, it looked sensible to me as it seemed to offer a solution to the Human Condition. But I did not understand that its peace was otherworldly and “somewhere else”. It seemed attractive to ‘me’ because it also offered escaping death. Which I see was the main highlight for ‘me’. ‘I’ could be “somewhere else” where ‘I’ won’t die. And the entirety of it hinged on this belief. But by actively endorsing being alive here in this moment, I know that I am mortal and will die. To actively endorse being alive right now is to give up any otherworldly otherness. The ASC of being immortal is indeed one of the dreams that I am willing to give up.
I think I understand and I wonder if there is a reluctance to see that this ‘utter fullness’ as my destiny has to do with death. But also maybe I am doing all this also because I have a simultaneous desire for death/oblivion. Why is ‘my’ being so precious I wonder? What exactly is it that I am waiting for? What would make ‘me’ forsake ‘being’?
Yes it’s interesting how cunning ‘I’ can get in maintaining or resurrecting some good or bad feeling. All of ‘my’ way of operating revolves around survival. And actively feeling good goes against ‘my’ essential nature.
I realized that part of my loyalty to Humanity is because I think that ‘I’ can change Humanity. The same way that I thought that ‘I’ could change ‘me’ fundamentally. Very interesting.
I can see this now. Now instead of the fear of going insane, it has turned into a feeling of loneliness.
I am most definitely reaping the rewards more now and it is fascinating seeing all the workings of ‘me’.
Hi Chrono,
What you can also include in your considerations is that when you are feeling good, your intelligence and common sense works much, much better than when you are overwhelmed by feelings. As such, when feeling good, you are much more likely to act intelligently and give others no reason at all for “‘I would be found out and tortured’” or any such atavistic scares passed down the ages to keep people in line.
Chrono: Then the next day I was thinking about how self-immolation only happens when I’m ready. Why make it a hard effort? I started thinking about the irrevocability of it. I got some strange discomfort in my head and chest that I’ve gotten before. It’s like ‘I’ have a locality, like I’m hidden somewhere inside the body, but not actually there either. Why do I hide and what am I hiding from? What is it to be here fully? I can’t seem to remember the exact details but I had this realization that what I’ve been trying to do is change ‘me’ (as in purify ‘me’ to be un-corrupt) and that ‘I’ cannot change ‘me’. ‘I’ am all of the feelings waiting to happen. ‘I’ am the very corruption. As long as this ‘me’ is in place, ‘I’ could become anything. Then the discomfort stopped and this was like great news because it meant that ‘I’ did not have to try to change ‘me’. And that is so effortful. I didn’t need to “solve” ‘me’. I just need to feel good.
This is an excellent insight and worth remembering whenever you are about to fall back into making “a hard effort” to purify ‘you’, the identity, instead of connecting to pure intent and feeling good. The “strange discomfort in my head and chest” is the psychosomatic reaction to the chemicals triggered by the feelings about ‘my’ survival being under threat.
Chrono: What followed was an another bout of overflowing feeling good. I was talking with my co-workers and to customers. There was almost no self-consciousness and the conversation was effortlessly fun. I spoke completely unrehearsed. There were no favorites and there was heightened sensuousness. I noticed how I was feeling good and felt even more good. I experienced the dynamic and energizing nature of this moment. I experienced this dynamicness as me. I saw the universe as it occurs right now is always in motion. Always dynamic. Always new. Always interesting. Almost like always being at the edge of my seat. I occur only right here in this moment of being alive. Inseparable from being this flesh and blood body. I saw other people and they too were living this actuality but completely not noticing it. Or rather those flesh and blood bodies were living this actuality perhaps. This experiencing was again other to ‘me’. ‘I’ could never be like this. It is actually occurring. There could be no doubt or comparison. There were ripples of delight flowing throughout my body. It continued from work til I got home. And each moment I am missing out on this.
What a wonderful description of an excellence experience or PCE.
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Vineeto: Even though it looks as if you are inching your way forward in answering your question “what is at stake” you gather the experiential answer each time you pose this question. And because you have followed your common sense that committing “to feeling good come what may” makes perfect sense, to abandon everything that stands in the way of feeling good also makes perfect sense.
It’s a pleasure to read of your success – and all because your promise to yourself borne of common sense “to feeling good come what may”. Then everything else is of less importance and willingly given up.
Chrono: Hi Vineeto,
Yes it makes everything easier if I’ve made committing to feeling good right now the number 1 priority. It makes sense now why I’d be more stuck in certain bad feelings in the past for a long time. It’s because that commitment had not been made. Now that it has, it’s just a matter of returning to that commitment if I notice I’m not feeling good and also figuring out why.
It is indeed a very helpful commitment to make – when ‘it just makes sense to feel good’ is not enough to counter the swings of emotion which do occur from time to time, which then put common sense is in hibernation.
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Vineeto: Do I understand you correctly – that you feel trapped because, even though you “secretly believe” you can escape death, you also know “that to unreservedly say yes to being alive right now” you need to abandon this secret belief and instead embrace the fact that you are mortal?
Above you wrote “I am willing to give up all of ‘my’ dreams” – is one of the dreams being able to “escape death”? The spiritual dream of immortality via an Altered State of Consciousness?
If that is what you are saying you have certainly hit the nail of the head – coming down to earth from lofty heights, embracing the very physicality of being alive, and as such also your mortality, is how you are able “to unreservedly say yes to being alive right now”.
Chrono: Yes that is exactly correct. My original start to the “search for peace” was when I encountered Buddhism. At the time, it looked sensible to me as it seemed to offer a solution to the Human Condition. But I did not understand that its peace was otherworldly and “somewhere else”. It seemed attractive to ‘me’ because it also offered escaping death. Which I see was the main highlight for ‘me’. ‘I’ could be “somewhere else” where ‘I’ won’t die. And the entirety of it hinged on this belief. But by actively endorsing being alive here in this moment, I know that I am mortal and will die. To actively endorse being alive right now is to give up any otherworldly otherness. The ASC of being immortal is indeed one of the dreams that I am willing to give up.
Spiritual immortality being a very popular belief and you having held it for some time, it might take some contemplating and being aware of any reoccurrence of that dream of immortality. But the more you contemplate it sensibly the less it makes sense, being only supported by the passionate desire of ‘my’ survival.
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Vineeto:
Richard: Okay … this is important, vital, pivotal: ‘I’, the thinker, know that ‘I’ cannot do it … ‘I’ cannot disappear ‘myself’. Only the ‘utter fullness’ can, and the ‘utter fullness’ is ‘calling one’, each moment again, and it is only when ‘I’ fully comprehend – totally, completely, fundamentally – that to be living this ‘utter fullness’ is to be living ‘my’ destiny will one be able ‘to answer that call’. (Richard, List B, No 25f, 18 June 2000).
If there were a connection, then ‘I’ would not have to die. To put it differently – ‘my’ logical thinking to get from ‘here’ to ‘there’ (or rather from ‘there’ to here) cannot conceive “that ‘I’ cannot do it” and that ‘I’ have to disappear for the actual world to become apparent. In fact it is impossible for ‘me’, by ‘my’ very nature, to conceive that ‘I’ will ever disappear. It can only be understood experientially in a PCE or moments of apperception – and then it is perfectly obvious.
Chrono: I think I understand and I wonder if there is a reluctance to see that this ‘utter fullness’ as my destiny has to do with death. But also maybe I am doing all this also because I have a simultaneous desire for death/ oblivion. Why is ‘my’ being so precious I wonder? What exactly is it that I am waiting for? What would make ‘me’ forsake ‘being’?
What Richard is referring to is a temporary experience this particular respondent reported. You said yourself in the second paragraph above that “I was thinking about how self-immolation only happens when I’m ready”. Obviously you are not ready for the ultimate step and need to find out more about “why is ‘my’ being so precious”. Don’t let your feeling good be spoiled with a ‘self’-created conflict of being impatient. It is just another trick of ‘me’ trying to stay in the picture. (…)
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Vineeto:
Richard: […] The hallmark of ‘peasant-mentality’ is, in a word, loyalty. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu3, 28 May 2015).
Hence your “loyalty to Humanity” has various aspects of the social identity/ peasant mentality, which you can each recognize, understand and abandon whenever they stand in the way of enjoying and appreciating being here.
Chrono: I realized that part of my loyalty to Humanity is because I think that ‘I’ can change Humanity. The same way that I thought that ‘I’ could change ‘me’ fundamentally. Very interesting.
Fascinating, isn’t it – the focus changes from changing oneself to changing Humanity instead. It’s a dead-end road which, if believed, could keep you busy for the rest of your life. The attraction is that then ‘I’ wouldn’t be alone but at what price! It is also very understandable given the misery and mayhem happening all around.
This quote from Richard’s Journal may be helpful –
Richard: My questioning of life, the universe and what it is to be a human being all started when I was nineteen years of age. I was in a war-torn foreign country, dressed in a jungle-green uniform and carrying a loaded rifle in my hands. This was to be the turning point of my life, for up until then, I was a typical western youth, raised to believe in God, Queen and Country.
Humanity’s inhumanity to humanity – society’s treatment of its subject citizens – was driven home to me, there and then, in a way that left me appalled, horrified, terrified and repulsed to the core of my being with a sick revulsion. I saw that no one knew what was going on and – most importantly – that no one was ‘in charge’ of the world. There was nobody to ‘save’ the human race … all gods were but a figment of a feverish imagination. Out of a despairing desperation, that was collectively shared by my fellow humans, I saw and understood that I was as ‘guilty’ as any one else. For in me – as is in everyone – was both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ … it was that some people were better at controlling their ‘dark side’. However, in a war, there is no way anyone can control any longer … ‘evil’ ran rampant. I saw that fear and aggression ruled the world … and that these were instincts one was born with. Thus started my search for freedom from the Human Condition.
My attitude, all those years ago was this: ‘I’ was only interested in changing ‘myself’ fundamentally, radically, completely and utterly.
‘I’ was not alone in this endeavour because ‘I’ tapped into the purity and perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe with a pure intent born out of a pure consciousness experience (PCE) that ‘I’ had during a peak experience in 1980. Pure intent is a palpable life-force; an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself. Once set in motion, it is no longer a matter of choice: it is an irresistible pull. It is the adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage of exploration and discovery; to not only seek but to find. And once found, it is here for the term of one’s natural life – it is an irreversible mutation in consciousness. Once launched it is impossible to turn back and resume one’s normal life … one has to be absolutely sure that this is what one truly wants.
Eighteen years ago ‘I’, the persona that I was, looked at the natural world and just knew that this enormous construct called the universe was not ‘set up’ for us humans to be forever forlorn in with only scant moments of reprieve. ‘I’ realised there and then that it was not and could not ever be some ‘sick cosmic joke’ that humans all had to endure and ‘make the best of’. ‘I’ felt foolish that ‘I’ had believed for thirty two years that the ‘wisdom of the real-world’ that ‘I’ had inherited – the world that ‘I’ was born into – was set in stone. This foolish feeling allowed ‘me’ to get in touch with ‘my’ dormant naiveté, which is the closest thing one has that resembles actual innocence, and activate it with a naive enthusiasm to undo all the conditioning and brainwashing that ‘I’ had been subject to. Then when ‘I’ looked into myself and at all the people around and saw the sorrow and malice in every human being, ‘I’ could not stop. ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ had just devoted myself to the task of setting ‘myself’ and ‘humanity’ free … ‘I’ willingly dedicated my life to this most worthy cause. It is so delicious to devote oneself to something whole-heartedly – the ‘boots and all’ approach ‘I’ called it then! [Emphasis added]. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Foreword).
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Vineeto: I understand you were appalled by realizing how remaining a “denizen” you are actively supporting ‘Humanity’, and it is no wonder ‘I’ come up with the most potent and threatening counter-argument to leaving humanity – that you will go insane. But as you more and more realise, the alternative to sanity is not insanity but the salubriousness of being less and less of ‘me’, in other words, being felicitous and innocuous and appreciative of being alive. When you understand this, then chipping away at your loyalty to humanity is no longer such a scary big deal.
Chrono: I can see this now. Now instead of the fear of going insane, it has turned into a feeling of loneliness.
The above quote also answers your question of loneliness.
Richard: “‘I’ was not alone in this endeavour because ‘I’ tapped into the purity and perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe with a pure intent born out of a pure consciousness experience (PCE) …”
Once you get the knack of connecting to pure intent and experience the benignity and benevolence inherent to the purity and perfection of the infinitude, i.e. of pure intent, then there is no room for loneliness. When you experienced what you described as “another bout of overflowing feeling good” there was no loneliness, even though no one else shared the same experience. The following quote might also help –
Mark: I have chosen not to tell acquaintances of this happening [health wise] as I have no wish to invoke pity, sympathy or such that would only serve to strengthen the ‘giver’ and ‘receiver’ of same. Two ‘selves’ live in totally different worlds so any sharing (of fear, grief, love) is not actually possible anyway! I have never before felt so at ease with aloneness (engendered by the gradual falling away of the shared beliefs of the ‘real’ world).
Richard: Aye, when loneliness ends, and one stands on one’s own two feet, this independence is a relief … yet there is more. Even aloneness can end. Where you wrote (Part One) that ‘all I can do is proceed, with pure intent, to continue to nibble away at ‘me’, I can only recommend proceeding with all dispatch. When ‘I’ self-immolate in ‘my’ entirety, the separative entity’s isolation disappears too … and an actual intimacy emerges that beggars comparison. This is because a person’s isolation is formed by the essence of their ‘being’… and ‘being’ itself is the root-cause of all the ills of humankind. (…)
With apperception, what one discovers, time and again, is that the personal boundaries that one feels so safely protected by, are made up of ‘my’ accrued beliefs as to who ‘I’ am. This is ‘my’ outline, as it were, shaped by other people’s description of ‘me’ … a construct which gives ‘me’ asylum in each different group into which ‘I’ wish to enter. Yet the outline of this construct creates, simultaneously, an enormous distance between ‘me’ and the world outside. At those times of peak experience, the distance disappears all of a sudden as ‘I’ vanish and this world is right here, so close that there is no distance any more. This is closer than any affective intimacy ‘I’ have ever longed for. This is serendipity indeed. This is a direct experience of actuality … and I have always been here like this … so safely here. The outline, the boundary that created the distance, was all in ‘my’ reality. ‘I’ created a substitute security for this original safety … a safety which has never known any threat, nor ever will. This genuine safety has no need for precautions. (Richard, AF List, Mark, 18 Feb 1999).
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Vineeto: Above you said “I am stunned at how long it has been” – to thoroughly and experientially understand how the human psyche works is a gradual process, and you are daily reaping the rewards.
Chrono: I am most definitely reaping the rewards more now and it is fascinating seeing all the workings of ‘me’. (link)
Ha, every word you write confirms that. It is a pleasure to follow your process to more and more feel good.
Cheers Vineeto
I’ve been on a break but am back to writing now. Mostly I had kept hitting a wall of resistance which I can’t seem to get a look into. I figured maybe it may present itself if I just allow myself to do something else for a while but still not entirely. The resistance is of a psychosomatic nature. Like the trunk of the tree which makes up ‘me’. Only recently I saw it as being made up of loyalty. And it’s like the loyalty to the Human Condition itself if that makes sense. I’m finding that standing on my own two feet in the sense of feeling good come what may is bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel. Others meaning everyone in my life and even what I read on the news. Maybe I should return to the question “can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?”. Or perhaps it’s a storm to simply weather?
Another feeling that is coming more to the fore is this feeling of weariness. I’m wondering what its cause is. It’s almost like the complete opposite of that sweetness. Now I’m thinking that this feeling is because I’m not able to get past the “storm” of doubt mentioned previously. I am now thinking that this goes back to the previous post where the wall of it is that ‘I will go insane’. And when I look at what this “insane” is composed of, it’s imagery of me not being able to take care of myself or being put in a state of danger. Not having any control.
I’ve also been sometimes getting a brief and random experience of what I can only describe as “richness” (as per gradations of intimacy) but more of a nature experience variety. I’m not sure what I’m doing to trigger them. It reminded me of how I used to get more of these experiences when I was younger. Like the universe is ‘in my face’. There’s a while smorgasboard of delight that I’m missing out on every moment. One time I looked at my partner and I started wondering how I can bring this experience with her and really with anyone. What’s in the way is my anxieties but I’m feeling a renewed invigoration to have it happen. If only this part of me that is feeling this storm of doubt and anxiety would subside or come to terms with it then this experience could possibly happen much more. But I’m feeling an increased willingness to divulge what stands in the way.
Chrono: I’ve been on a break but am back to writing now. Mostly I had kept hitting a wall of resistance which I can’t seem to get a look into. I figured maybe it may present itself if I just allow myself to do something else for a while but still not entirely. The resistance is of a psychosomatic nature. Like the trunk of the tree which makes up ‘me’. Only recently I saw it as being made up of loyalty. And it’s like the loyalty to the Human Condition itself if that makes sense.
Hi Chrono,
Welcome back.
It’s excellent that you identified this obstacle as “loyalty” and more so “the loyalty to the Human Condition itself”. You probably remember Richard saying that –
Richard: The hallmark of ‘peasant-mentality’ is, in a word, loyalty. (Richard, List D, Claudiu3, 28 May 2015)
So there you have all the ingredients in one, the loyalty in regards to “what others feel”, who are not only the people who you are in contact with, but in the end all of ‘humanity’. You realise with startling clarity that if you continue you will be a traitor to humanity and its addiction to suffering. Everyone has the same genetic make-up of the instinctual passions and of their social identity and everyone desperately wants to remain within the fold. But when fully understood that ‘I’ am ‘humanity’ and ‘humanity’ is ‘me’ you really are a traitor to your ‘self’ by your endeavour to leave your ‘self’ behind.
Here is a poignant paragraph from Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty on what ‘humanity’ means in the real world (I recently read that article again and found it extraordinary in its eye-opening brilliance) –
Richard: One’s psychological existence is so precarious that one needs constant endorsement, so as to feel that ‘I’ am alive, that ‘I’ still exist. When the ‘whole’ accuses one of being selfish – which it relentlessly does by extolling the virtues of duty, obligation and responsibility – one can then chastise oneself, thus maintaining one’s sense of being a social identity. With suitable remorse, one has then been coerced, cajoled and shamed into having one’s usefulness to the community restored … and one feels needed again. Nonetheless, one is actually crazy to chastise oneself because ‘I’ am selfish by ‘my’ very created nature … and ‘I’ will always be self-centred. Self-castigation only serves to crystallise ‘me’. It is essential to the community’s ‘well-being’ that ‘I’ remain selfish. Because the ‘whole’, having created ‘me’ so as to perpetuate its own existence – and being utterly selfish itself – desperately needs self-centred members. ‘I’ readily invest, morally, in the community for there one recognises one’s ilk … ‘I’ am a lonely soul and it is essential that ‘I’ have a sense of belonging to the like-minded ‘whole’. It is an illusion of togetherness designed to assuage the feeling of aloneness that both oneself and the community experiences … ‘I’ and ‘humanity’ feel lost and lonely in what is perceived to be the vast reaches of space and time that make up an empty universe. The search for extra-terrestrial life is but one outcome of this feeling of separation. (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty).
Here is something more to ponder at a quiet moment –
Richard: … in order to successfully escape one needs to abandon the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods, so that the energy one is frittering away fruitlessly is available for the unknown path, the unfamiliar path, the path that does deliver the goods.
James: I don’t know if the unknown path delivers the goods because I don’t know what it is.
Richard: Is not the reason why ‘I’ do not know if the unknown path delivers the goods – or why ‘I’ do not know what the unknown path is – none other than because ‘I’ will not abandon the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods?
James: I only know that the known path does not deliver the goods.
Richard: And why will ‘I’ not abandon the known path that does not deliver the goods … even when ‘I’ know that the known path does not deliver the goods?
James: The known path is ‘me’. That is who ‘I’ am.
Richard: As ‘I’ am suffering and suffering is ‘me’ then ‘my’ path is the path of suffering … which is humanity’s path is it not? And, as humanity is suffering and suffering is humanity, is it not equally true that humanity is also addicted to suffering?
And further to that point … have you ever noticed that humanity reveres its addiction so much that escape is taboo? (Richard, List B, James3, 5 Nov 2002).Richard: As ‘I’ am suffering and suffering is ‘me’ then ‘my’ path is the path of suffering … which is humanity’s path is it not? And, as humanity is suffering and suffering is humanity, is it not equally true that humanity is also addicted to suffering? And further to that point … have you ever noticed that humanity reveres its addiction so much that escape is taboo?
James: Interesting. It does make sense that humanity is addicted to suffering but I am still not sure if it is addiction to suffering or if it is fear of not surviving. The fear of ‘me’ not surviving could be causing the addiction to ‘me’ suffering.
Richard: I should have put scare quotes around the word humanity as the word itself can refer to two different things: in its all-humankind meaning it is a more comprehensive word for what the word group refers to (which ranges through family, band, clan, tribe, race, nation and species) and, just as the group’s survival traditionally takes precedence over an individual’s survival, the group’s fears of not surviving have priority over an individual’s fears of not surviving. When fear comes into the picture, however, the word humanity no longer refers to all people collectively but takes on a life of its own, as it were, and becomes an entity in its own right in the same way ‘I’ am an entity inside the flesh and blood body.
And just as ‘I’ suffer because ‘I’ exist (suffering is ‘my’ very nature) ‘humanity’ suffers because it exists (suffering is very nature of ‘humanity’) and thus a virtue is made out of suffering because the survival of ‘humanity’ is at risk … hence the taboo on escape.
Yet ‘humanity’ has no existence outside of the human psyche. (Richard, List B, James3, 7 Nov 2002).
Chrono: I’m finding that standing on my own two feet in the sense of feeling good come what may is bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel. Others meaning everyone in my life and even what I read on the news. Maybe I should return to the question “can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?”. Or perhaps it’s a storm to simply weather?
A while ago you were wrestling with guilt of being selfish, and it still seems to linger, as in “bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel”. It is pertinent to understand that the goal – and the method – of actualism is to diminish the ‘self’, i.e. the inherent ‘self’-centricity of being a feeling being –
Richard to Martin: Do you see how almost all of that paragraph you wrote as a lead-up to your query about being harmless – as in “but do you simply mean it as an absence of malice and sorrow?” that is – stems from or revolves around that hoary religio-spiritual practice of putting each and every other ‘self’ before one’s own ‘self’ (a.k.a. being an unselfish ‘self’) so as to counter selfishness?
Yet the topic on the web page which Claudiu linked to (Richard, Audio-Taped Dialogues, Putting the other before Oneself). is essentially about being self-centred – with especial attention upon that term referring to each and every ‘self’ being both ego-centric and soul-centric – and not about being selfish.
As being harmless does not feature in religio-spiritual practice – peace-on-earth is not on the religio-spiritual agenda – then the sooner that nonsense about being an unselfish ‘self’ is abandoned the better. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, Martin, 2 Aug 2016).
This whole specific correspondence is worth re-visiting.
So when you understand, really understand, the difference between “being an unselfish ‘self’” and being happy and harmless (aiming to be less and less ‘self’-centric) then your “feelings of doubt and anxiety” in this regard may fall by the wayside.
Chrono: Another feeling that is coming more to the fore is this feeling of weariness. I’m wondering what its cause is. It’s almost like the complete opposite of that sweetness. Now I’m thinking that this feeling is because I’m not able to get past the “storm” of doubt mentioned previously. I am now thinking that this goes back to the previous post where the wall of it is that ‘I will go insane’. And when I look at what this “insane” is composed of, it’s imagery of me not being able to take care of myself or being put in a state of danger. Not having any control.
Yes, in other words, fear.
What you are aiming for – an actual freedom from the human condition – has been classified by professionals in the field as insanity because it lies entirely outside the human condition and is entirely new to human consciousness. “Insane” is the only category the denizens of the real world can think of when they encounter something which does not fit into their paradigm. Just look up Cognitive Dissonance and you will see that far less radical and subversive innovations have been vehemently opposed by the majority of people for centuries until it eventually trickled down that it might be beneficial.
It does indeed require nerves of steel to be a pioneer in human consciousness – but you already have experienced excellent results and insights, and are feeling much better than before, which can give you the courage to persist. Plus, there is the experience of the PCE, of the already always existing actual world, which has guided you to this point.
Chrono: I’ve also been sometimes getting a brief and random experience of what I can only describe as “richness” (as per gradations of intimacy) but more of a nature experience variety. I’m not sure what I’m doing to trigger them. It reminded me of how I used to get more of these experiences when I was younger. Like the universe is ‘in my face’. There’s a while smorgasboard of delight that I’m missing out on every moment. One time I looked at my partner and I started wondering how I can bring this experience with her and really with anyone. What’s in the way is my anxieties but I’m feeling a renewed invigoration to have it happen. If only this part of me that is feeling this storm of doubt and anxiety would subside or come to terms with it then this experience could possibly happen much more. But I’m feeling an increased willingness to divulge what stands in the way. (link)
This is excellent. You might discover that the “storm of doubt and anxiety” might lose its power when you explore remnant or lingering morals of a “religio-spiritual agenda” regarding being an “unselfish ‘self’” and finally throw them on the rubbish heap where they belong. These ideals had 5000+ years of implementation by people trying to live those unliveable morals and ethics, and yet all the wars and rapes and murders and suicides and child-abuse are still going on unabated.
Regarding your “richness” or excellence experiences they are not triggered by ‘you’ but happen whenever ‘you’ step back and allow them to happen, whenever you are felicitous/ innocuous and more naïve, less serious. With the same happy/ harmless and sensuous naïveness you can experience them when you are with your partner and they can be contagious.
I am pleased to hear that there is “a renewed invigoration” and “an increased willingness to divulge what stands in the way”.
Cheers Vineeto
Hi Chrono,
Good! The main advice I’d give you is to recognize – sincerely recognize – that whatever ‘obstacles’ are coming up, is nothing other than you & your very own doubts, fears, and anxieties about the situation.
What I mean is just to sincerely accept that you are the one resisting, being doubtful, anxious about it, weary, fearing insanity, etc.
The reason I say it is that from reading what you write it sounds like you’ve somewhat detached ‘responsibility’ for these things – you’re keeping them at arms distance, hoping they subside on their own and go away so you (the ‘real’ you?) can get back to making progress
But that’s the point, all of it is you! Sincerely accepting and coming to terms with it, as soon as you can, really makes the whole thing much easier, and feels very good once you are able to do it!
Also it’s not that this is a ‘bad’ thing. This is… the thing! The human thing. That’s entirely how actualism works, is recognizing this all and then effectuating the change.
Re: the doubt and the insanity, you know how some people have an ‘identity crisis’? Like they’ve been working same job for 20 years and are now laid off, and don’t know what meaning their life has, because they were so entangled with that job as their identity… actualism basically makes you identity-crisis-proof, via… sort of triggering and instigating little “identity crises”, in a controlled way, as things come up 
It’s basically seeing what you are ‘caught up’ with, and freeing yourself from that, to allow yourself to enjoy and appreciate more smoothly.
But it can feel and be rocky especially as you get to more and more core stuff. Pure intent is key here, as well as rememorating the PCE, the experiences of “richness” you describe, and even, just rememorating a time you were feeling good, I find helps as well.
So, doubts and fears of insanity are totally par for the course, the key is that there is safety on the other side of it, as you have now experientially seen. So you know the destination (or at least the direction from ‘here’ to there) and you can use it as your compass, it’s safe to proceed even if road seems rocky or waters churny.
Cheers,
Claudiu
Kuba: At first it began as something like “could ‘I’ really?” as in could I actually proceed in that direction, of no longer being ‘anyone’ in particular, of no longer ‘being’ at all. I followed that curiosity to realise that this is what I always wanted to be as an actuality. That in that blessed anonymity is an actual innocence, but ‘I’ can never ‘be’ that, because ‘I’ am an identity. (link)
Chrono: Mostly I had kept hitting a wall of resistance which I can’t seem to get a look into. (…) Only recently I saw it as being made up of loyalty. And it’s like the loyalty to the Human Condition itself if that makes sense. I’m finding that standing on my own two feet in the sense of feeling good come what may is bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel. Others meaning everyone in my life and even what I read on the news. Maybe I should return to the question “can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?” (link)
Hi Kuba, hi Chrono,
This morning, I read again a correspondence which I figured you, and in fact everyone, could gain possibly insight from – the “quaint little wonder-land tale” Richard told to Rick.
First, it was fascinating to read Rick’s long question where he described in comprehensive detail life in the real world – all its pain and trouble of belonging, the alluring carrots of reward (of being accepted and approved of) and the crushing duty and responsibility in order to gain or those carrots or being punished for not doing enough.
Then continue to read Richard’s response, condensing Rick’s tale of woe to the central problem of self-worth, or rather ‘self’-worth – “and self-worth as derived from others’ opinion at that”.
He then masterly described, in the same masterly perfection as he once produced the pottery when ‘he’ had allowed the pottery to make itself – how at the exhibition and sale of this pottery “self-esteem and all its associated vanity and humility vanished out of my life forever”.
It becomes glaringly obvious that when one can abandon the ‘carrot’, which Rick so eloquently described, i.e. one’s very relationship to humanity and its accompanying highly conditional ‘good’ feelings, then that is the end of all loyalty, duty and obligation towards humanity as well.
This can be done born of the confidence based on one’s PCEs, active pure intent and the memory of previous moments, where one stunningly recognises when for some short moments life was living itself.
Richard’s “quaint little wonder-land tale” is a perfect example how the ‘good’ feelings keep the ‘bad’ feelings in place, and when you realize that this ‘carrot’ is in fact without any worth whatsoever, then all the anxiety and heavy lifting obtaining it is equally useless.
Enjoy. (Richard, List D, Rick, Re: Humanity: My God)
Cheers Vineeto
Also a reinforcement in regards to feeling good, it’s the tracing back to the trigger (and before) which can restore feeling good and not going into the feeling to fix it. The trigger sets off the feelings.
Thank you Vineeto and Claudiu for your guidance and clarifications. I have been reflecting on your responses and re-reading some correspondence.
Ah I’ll give a re-read of that chapter and also the correspondence again. Just reading this section I understood and “connected the dots” more than before. I realize that each person I am talking to in the real world is an emissary of Humanity. I was able to identify the “walls” where feeling good gets halted due to that self-castigation. But I also saw that I am likewise the same. I too am “Humanity”. But when I look for “Humanity”, it does not exist on its own.
I see ‘my’ path has been chasing the Good (feelings). Humanity’s path (the known path) is an eternal battle against the “Bad”. In every instance that I don’t feel good, it seems to be the case (in the background) that there’s a belief or expectation from the chasing after the Good feeling.
In staying with this, I realized all of ‘my’ escapes were conditional. By chasing the ‘Good’ (unwittingly and inattentively), I always end up back to where I was at. And what if I didn’t chase the Good? Then I experience a barren and stark reality. I feel this as ‘my’ foundational reality as it is the reason that any Good feelings need to be chased at all. Yet I do as if I have to make sure that the “Good” really does not deliver the goods. But when I acknowledge that I have been going in circles, the fear becomes more intimate. Staying with the fact that it is this moment, I experience sometimes a sudden pull and then a backing off. Why I back off I don’t know, but there’s a feeling behind it.
It’s like there are 2 ‘mes’. Going from a stark reality to a sweetness. It’s like oil and water that never mix. There’s a secret here that I can’t seem to fully see into. Literally in the blink of an eye, from stark reality to that sweetness. I think ‘I could just enjoy and appreciate this all the time’, but in the background I feel ‘others’ pulling me down. Now perhaps I consider that ‘others’ are really ‘me’. This persistence of ‘me’ is very related to myself and others.
But the stark reality persists only where there is no seeing that it is this moment. There’s a disbelief behind it. Like it can’t be true. Why? Because then everything I have ever known is false. And I wonder what are the ramifications of that?
When I experience the delight that it is this moment (which experiencing is occurring as I am typing), I feel that I could just sit here and do nothing forever and never get bored. I am almost fixated on “this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive”.
I will re-visit again. Yes I am thinking now that “being an unselfish self” or “putting the other before oneself” encapsulates the “Good”. I think I’ve explored the “Bad” without entirely seeing its opposite face. I see now that the purpose of the “Good” is to battle the “Bad” and that is what is happening in all interactions with ‘me’ internally and externally. The (inherent) belief behind it is that the “Good” has the power to bring about peace-on-earth. And I find it’s a matter of power itself. The belief is that it is the power to influence (through vibes and currents perhaps in that psychic web) which can bring about beneficial changes. So when I think about not ‘being’, does ‘my’ absence have any effect on this psychic web?
I find this reservation quite funny because chasing the “Good” has never worked in my life and only has served as a source of self-aggrandizement. First when I reflect on my relationship with my partner via the bond of love. Relationships themselves everywhere seem to have behind them the deep desire to be affirmed, acknowledged, admired, and/or adulated. It is there in all interactions. It’s the “carrot” to assuage the foundational reality. Not chasing after this “carrot” is backed by accusations of being selfish.
Hmm actually I think if I can be happy and harmless with everyone that I come into contact with, that will be the “proof” I need.
Ah and behind that accusation of being selfish is the fear of being insane. Yes I think that was right on the ball with the doubt and anxiety being related to those lingering morals of spirituality. Again I am confronted with the ubiquity of spirituality.
That’s a timely reminder as it’s really only difficult if I’m being insincere and my approach unwittingly operates from a place of having ‘taken a step back’ when the thing I am taking a step back from is itself me. This leads to the experience of not having any control and being a ‘victim’. Usually when this happens I am fighting against myself. Something may have triggered off a “good/bad” feeling and instead of seeing the trigger or returning to feel good, I end up approaching it in a ‘I’ trying to “purify” ‘me’ way.
This made me think that if a large portion of people were virtually free or actually free then maybe there won’t be any rocky or churny waters. But someone has to pave the way (me) haha.
Hi Chrono,
Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed the post.
That is a very fascinating thought! It reminds me of a quote from Geoffrey which Leila posted recently :
That’s quite a thing to contemplate… In the final analysis is that all it will come to be? “A dream which in fact never was” to borrow Geoffrey’s words from another private correspondence.
Which this brings me to another point you made :
I was thinking this the other day when reading some of the correspondence on the forum, how beneficial it is to see other fellow human beings walking the path. Each person proceeding is puncturing some more holes in ‘reality’, that ‘psychic landscape’ is changed with every person slowly abandoning that “dream which in fact never was”. It is a pioneering business and it is a unilateral business and yet the ramifications go way past just the individual.
Just to add to the above, I was thinking about this with regards to me and Sonya, that it is simply “how things are” now when we are together that there is a lack of conflict and a mutual liking. That it would be ‘weird’ to operate in the way which would be classed as ‘normal’. As in those felicitous and innocuous vibes are the norm, to relate in sorrow and malice would now be the outlier.
Chrono: Also a reinforcement in regards to feeling good, it’s the tracing back to the trigger (and before) which can restore feeling good and not going into the feeling to fix it. The trigger sets off the feelings.
Thank you Vineeto and Claudiu for your guidance and clarifications. I have been reflecting on your responses and re-reading some correspondence.
Hi Chrono,
Just for emphasis – this is an excellent summary of how to get back to feeling good real quick. After that you can look at the trigger and determine if it has a pattern, is linked to a belief or concept, a staged drama with a hidden purpose or simply a habitual response which can be easily declined.
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Vineeto: Here is something more to ponder at a quiet moment – (snipped correspondence re addiction to suffering)
Richard: And just as ‘I’ suffer because ‘I’ exist (suffering is ‘my’ very nature) ‘humanity’ suffers because it exists (suffering is very nature of ‘humanity’) and thus a virtue is made out of suffering because the survival of ‘humanity’ is at risk … hence the taboo on escape.
Yet ‘humanity’ has no existence outside of the human psyche. (Richard, List B, James3, 7 Nov 2002).
Chrono: Ah I’ll give a re-read of that chapter and also the correspondence again. Just reading this section I understood and “connected the dots” more than before. I realize that each person I am talking to in the real world is an emissary of Humanity. I was able to identify the “walls” where feeling good gets halted due to that self-castigation. But I also saw that I am likewise the same. I too am “Humanity”. But when I look for “Humanity”, it does not exist on its own.
I see ‘my’ path has been chasing the Good (feelings). Humanity’s path (the known path) is an eternal battle against the “Bad”. In every instance that I don’t feel good, it seems to be the case (in the background) that there’s a belief or expectation from the chasing after the Good feeling.
In staying with this, I realized all of ‘my’ escapes were conditional. By chasing the ‘Good’ (unwittingly and inattentively), I always end up back to where I was at. And what if I didn’t chase the Good? Then I experience a barren and stark reality. I feel this as ‘my’ foundational reality as it is the reason that any Good feelings need to be chased at all. Yet I do as if I have to make sure that the “Good” really does not deliver the goods. But when I acknowledge that I have been going in circles, the fear becomes more intimate. Staying with the fact that it is this moment, I experience sometimes a sudden pull and then a backing off. Why I back off I don’t know, but there’s a feeling behind it.
It’s useful to keep in mind that in the old (spiritually-based) paradigm, being in God’s grace (in Western religion) or being/ becoming God (in Eastern spirituality) has been hailed as the noblest meaning of human life. The opposite of that is experienced as empty, “barren and stark reality”. As you say, the chasing of ‘good’ feelings is often to stave of the experience of that stark reality coupled with the fact “humanity reveres its addiction so much that escape is taboo?” as Richard pointed out to James. (Richard, List B, James3, 5 Nov 2002). As such your “backing off” is very understandable.
And yet, when apperception happens and you experience that now is the only moment you are alive and it is always now, there is no room for any stark reality, which is in fact a feeling-induced reality in order to keeping ‘me’ alive.
Chrono: It’s like there are 2 ‘mes’. Going from a stark reality to a sweetness. It’s like oil and water that never mix. There’s a secret here that I can’t seem to fully see into. Literally in the blink of an eye, from stark reality to that sweetness. I think ‘I could just enjoy and appreciate this all the time’, but in the background I feel ‘others’ pulling me down. Now perhaps I consider that ‘others’ are really ‘me’. This persistence of ‘me’ is very related to myself and others.
There is only one ‘me’, who is a lost, lonely, frightened and very cunning entity, doing whatever ‘you’ can to prevent your escape. Because you say “I could just enjoy and appreciate this all the time” I understand this “sweetness” as an excellence experience or as pure intent being dynamically active, when you poke a hole into the commonly accepted reality and get a glimpse outside of the human condition – let me know if I understand this correctly.
Now it looks like when the fear of the “barren and stark reality” is not sufficient to discourage you from exploring the “sweetness” of pure intent, then reinforcement (for ‘me’) is summoned via reminding you of your relation to “others”, i.e. ‘humanity’.
Chrono: But the stark reality persists only where there is no seeing that it is this moment. There’s a disbelief behind it. Like it can’t be true. Why? Because then everything I have ever known is false. And I wonder what are the ramifications of that?
When I experience the delight that it is this moment (which experiencing is occurring as I am typing), I feel that I could just sit here and do nothing forever and never get bored. I am almost fixated on “this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive”.
Well, disbelief means there is/was a belief and that belief is what you now experientially question. Just because everyone believes that time is fleeting, racing from past to future, does not mean it is a fact. Your very experience being factual, dislodges both belief and disbelief.
Richard: Actuality is not to be confused with any Other-Worldly Reality in some Timeless Dimension … actuality is here-and-now and on-the-ground. Actuality is physical, not metaphysical. It is perennial, not Timeless. It is perpetual, not Spaceless.
Pure contemplation is absolutely free from any pre-conceived concepts … it lies beyond ‘human’ beliefs and ideals. There is a dare in pure contemplation … daring to expect the utter best. Actual freedom is far superior to anything ‘I’ can aspire to; it makes ‘me’ and ‘my’ world obsolete. The actual world has nothing to do with ‘me’ and ‘my’ machinations: ‘my’ hopes, ‘my’ dreams, ‘my’ ideals, or ‘my’ longings. All these things come from the heart … and the heart has led humankind astray for countless centuries. Passion, coupled with imagination, can only produce variations on that Timeless Reality so beloved by the Religious, Spiritual and Mystical peoples. Being ‘human’ is a feeling; being Divine is a passion. Feelings – emotions and passions – are a liability to one who is going to be actual. In actual freedom I am neither ‘human’ nor Divine, for I am not metaphysical. I am the third alternative: this very actual body. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Fourteen).
You might enjoy this one too –
Richard: What I do have, in actuality, is sufficient time to achieve all that needs to be done. It is one of the many charming characteristics of life that emerges spontaneously when one is activated by pure intent. Pure intent is not to be confused with being a ‘do-gooder’, or being full of ‘righteousness’, or being ‘moralistic’. Pure intent is the quality that encompasses what morals and ethics aspire to but never reach. ‘Good’ fails to reach its desired goal because it opposes ‘Bad’ … the fight between Good and Evil has raged for centuries. Pure intent enables one to be liberated from both Good and Evil. This freedom from perversity is a guarantee of success. By perverse I mean not only being corruptible and corrupted, but obstinately persisting in being corrupt. Absence of perversity enables one, each moment again, to perform in the optimum manner; be it physically or psychologically. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Four).
You’ll find more excellent quotes in Richard’s Selected Writing on Time.
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Vineeto: So when you understand, really understand, the difference between “being an unselfish ‘self’” and being happy and harmless (aiming to be less and less ‘self’-centric) then your “feelings of doubt and anxiety” in this regard may fall by the wayside.
Chrono: I will re-visit again. Yes I am thinking now that “being an unselfish self” or “putting the other before oneself” encapsulates the “Good”. I think I’ve explored the “Bad” without entirely seeing its opposite face. I see now that the purpose of the “Good” is to battle the “Bad” and that is what is happening in all interactions with ‘me’ internally and externally. The (inherent) belief behind it is that the “Good” has the power to bring about peace-on-earth. And I find it’s a matter of power itself. The belief is that it is the power to influence (through vibes and currents perhaps in that psychic web) which can bring about beneficial changes.
The difficulty arises because you perceive the world in the real-world structure of power – in this case “the power to influence” others. It is another form of the battle of ‘good’ vs ‘evil’. ‘I’ want to stay in control so that ‘I’ can influence others and they can appreciate ‘me’ in turn.
Here are two relevant quotes from Richard’s Journal which might help –
Richard: The esteemed goal within each group is to reach for the leadership. There lies, seemingly, more power, more love, more acceptance and more individuality. There, it appears, ‘I’ can finally be myself. Supremacy, be it found in Spiritual Enlightenment, Religious Illumination, Mystical Union, or Philosophical Truth, is the Ultimate goal of the largest group within humankind: the Metaphysical Group. The Master, the Saint, and the Sage have all achieved the rewards of leadership: power over others, loving worship, fame and adulation … and, quite often, wealth. Their sense of identity has fully expanded into identifying as a Divine Self. (…)
The cause of loneliness and aloneness is not, as is commonly believed, alienation from others. The single reason for being alone and lonely is from not being me as-I-am. By not being me, but being, instead, an identity, ‘I’ am doomed to perpetual loneliness and aloneness. ‘I’ am fated to ever pursue an elusive Someone or Something that will fill that aching void. When I am me, there is no void. By being me as-I-am, I have no need for others; hence I also have no need to place the burden upon them to fulfil that what was lacking. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Ten).Richard: I have no sovereignty whatsoever; accordingly I have no power over anyone … including myself as there is no identity to have power over anyway. I am not an Authority and Power … hence I correspondingly have no Omniscient Puissance. All in all, I am completely free from suffering, for there is no ‘being’, ‘presence’ or ‘spirit’ … or ‘Being’, ‘Presence’ or ‘Spirit’. Suffering is simply impossible in actual freedom … I never know sorrow or malice at all.
An actual freedom is refreshingly simple. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Twenty-Seven).
The third alternative is to decline/ defuse any power-battle and become naïve and innocuous.
Richard: … the whole point of activating the third alternative to either feeling powerless or feeling powerful – i.e., feeling harmless/ innocuous (as distinct from turn-the-other-cheek pacifistic behaviour) – is to dynamically defuse that entire power-structure/ power-battle way of life, which is so endemic in the animal realm, and thereby actively enable intimacy.
(After all, as ‘I’ am the ‘other’ – for each and every ‘me’ who is ‘other’ to ‘me’ – ‘I’ thus intimately know what it feels like, for those who are ‘other’ to ‘me’, to be such an ‘other’ upon each and every interaction). (Richard, List D, Claudiu, 14 Jan 2016).
Chrono: So when I think about not ‘being’, does ‘my’ absence have any effect on this psychic web?
Yes, it has wide-spread ramifications (as Kuba already spelt out: “puncturing some more holes in ‘reality’” link). Just think, The Actual Freedom Trust website exists due to one person daring to becoming actually free. This forum exists because enough people are interested and fascinated by the possibility of an actual freedom being possible and replicable, and everyone’s reported success in becoming more happy and harmless is encouraging others to dare to do the same. But should you be seduced by the “power to influence” as in “the esteemed goal within each group is to reach for the leadership” then it will back-fire and only strengthen ‘me’ and my ‘self’-centredness.
Chrono: I find this reservation quite funny because chasing the “Good” has never worked in my life and only has served as a source of self-aggrandizement. First when I reflect on my relationship with my partner via the bond of love. Relationships themselves everywhere seem to have behind them the deep desire to be affirmed, acknowledged, admired, and/or adulated. It is there in all interactions. It’s the “carrot” to assuage the foundational reality. Not chasing after this “carrot” is backed by accusations of being selfish.
Hmm actually I think if I can be happy and harmless with everyone that I come into contact with, that will be the “proof” I need.
Indeed, that temptation to be chasing the ‘good’ is two-fold – both for your own “source of self-aggrandizement” and assuaging the fear of being marked as a traitor to humanity. And yet your factual experience is that it is a dead-end street and nothing happy and harmless at all. When you pay close attention to how you feel in this moment of being alive and see the slightest beginning of another round of doubt or of “chasing the ‘Good’”, you can sensible decline.
Here Richard puts in a plug for being selfish –
Richard: Good … because unless ‘you’ are so ‘selfish’ as to want peace on earth, in this lifetime, as this flesh and blood body, then nothing will happen to even begin to bring to an end all the wars and murders and rapes and tortures and domestic violence and child and suicides. And in case you think I am just being funny … I was told last year on this Mailing List that I was selfish to want to save my ‘six-foot flesh and blood body’!
If only each and every person was so ‘selfish’ there would be a global peace-on-earth. (Richard, List B, No. 33a, 11 Oct 1999).
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Chrono: Another feeling that is coming more to the fore is this feeling of weariness. I’m wondering what its cause is. It’s almost like the complete opposite of that sweetness. Now I’m thinking that this feeling is because I’m not able to get past the “storm” of doubt mentioned previously. I am now thinking that this goes back to the previous post where the wall of it is that ‘I will go insane’. And when I look at what this “insane” is composed of, it’s imagery of me not being able to take care of myself or being put in a state of danger. Not having any control.
Vineeto: Yes, in other words, fear.
What you are aiming for – an actual freedom from the human condition – has been classified by professionals in the field as insanity because it lies entirely outside the human condition and is entirely new to human consciousness. “Insane” is the only category the denizens of the real world can think of when they encounter something which does not fit into their paradigm. Just look up Cognitive Dissonance and you will see that far less radical and subversive innovations have been vehemently opposed by the majority of people for centuries until it eventually trickled down that it might be beneficial.
It does indeed require nerves of steel to be a pioneer in human consciousness – but you already have experienced excellent results and insights, and are feeling much better than before, which can give you the courage to persist. Plus, there is the experience of the PCE, of the already always existing actual world, which has guided you to this point. (…)
Chrono: Ah and behind that accusation of being selfish is the fear of being insane. Yes I think that was right on the ball with the doubt and anxiety being related to those lingering morals of spirituality. Again I am confronted with the ubiquity of spirituality. (link)
Indeed, spiritual-derived values lurk in every nook and cranny of real-world morality, hence the necessity of becoming aware of one’s beliefs (often called truths) whenever they are the trigger for a diminishment of feeling happy and harmless.
Cheers Vineeto