Further, it’s because I am a better version of me with alcohol that I can consider what you are saying and what I said, and go ahead an explain it.
Normal me just gets angry and shuts down or goes into hiding in my “ivory tower “,. Tipsy me is far more interested in being engaged.
Andrew: Seriously though, I have swam with these jellyfish as a kid, threw a couple back in from the shallow water the other day, and I have never heard them say anything malicious or sorrowful.
Hi Andrew,
Perhaps this link gives you a more informative overview why imagining to be like an animal would not solve the problem of instinctual passions. (Sundry, FAQ16 – Why do you say animals are unhappy?)
Further information can be found in Richard’s Selected Correspondence on Animals (link, link).
Andrew: These scientific type statements on the AFT do my head in; a jellyfish is closer to a tree or mushroom that to me. (link)
And yet you said, only 2 hrs later –
It is not your various cells which dictate how you feel and behave, it is your social-instinctual identity who does. When you recognize and acknowledge that you either get angry or withdraw in a particular conversation, you can decide to do something to minimise these feelings with affective attentiveness and sincere intent via applying the actualism method instead of side-stepping the problem.
*
Andrew: Regarding “hedonism” I was using it in the way Peter and Richard used it, as in straight colloquial usage of pleasure. I would say that the contradiction of the definition you linked and the many colloquial uses on the AFT leave a large confusion on exactly what was being encouraged when sex is endorsed as something to be explored. In everyday speech, hedonism refers to chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Simple as that.
How was that was read as me seeking emotional “pleasure” in physical pleasure or pain, I can sorta see now that I am writing it, because I did say it. That I was leaning into uncomfortable things, including exercise.
For context, the thought was in the middle of considering Kuba’s recent reference to sex, and the thoughts were “well, that ain’t happening any day soon, but I wonder if lifting these weights could feel good?” (link)
What you overlooked when Richard used the word ‘hedonism’ “in straight colloquial usage of pleasure” that he clearly states that “actualism, being *most definitely not hedonism*”. He is clearly not encouraging “chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake” as that would be “narcissistic hedonism”.
Richard: … nowhere on The Actual Freedom Trust web site is the slightest trace to be seen anywhere whatsoever, amongst any of those millions of freely available words and writings, of either promoting and/or promulgating a ‘narcissistic hedonism’ or promoting and/or promulgating being so by ‘putting one’s own enjoyment and interests first and foremost’ (let alone promoting and/or promulgating being so ‘without much […] respect for moral principles to minimise the impact on others’ either) be it with or without an intimate connection betwixt the pristine-purity of an actual innocence and the near-purity of the sincerity of naiveté (i.e., pure intent).
On the contrary, what is promoted and/or promulgated on the web site is enjoying and appreciating being alive/ being here each moment again – that is, despite the normal vicissitudes of life – by establishing a general feeling of well-being (a.k.a. ‘feeling good’), as a bottom line of experiencing and, thereby, all the while agreeably complying with the legal laws and observing the social protocols (i.e., the many and various customs, traditions, conventions, values, principles, morals, ethics, codes, observances, etiquettes, niceties, formalities, ceremonies, rituals, and so on, as observed in many and various ways in the many and various countries around the world).
Moreover, as a central aim in all the above is the fellowship regard of an actual intimacy whereby it is impossible to not like one’s fellow human being – and given that the means to the end are no different than that end (other than affectively for the one, in the meanwhile, and actually for the other, upon the end) – then any phantasy talk about having to minimise ‘the impact on others’ is patently preposterous, as well, as to maximise ‘the impact on others’ is to facilitate a global spread of peace and harmony. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism).
I recommend reading the whole section of the above correspondence (1st selection) as this correspondent seems to be misinterpreting the actualism method in a similar way as you presently do.
Richard: ‘To feel pleasure affectively (hedonistically) is a far cry from the direct experiencing of the actual where the retinas revel in the profusion of colour, texture and form; the eardrums carouse with the cavalcade of sound, resonance and timbre; the nostrils rejoice in the abundance of aromas, fragrances and scents; the tastebuds savour the plethora of tastes, flavours and zests; the epidermis delights to touch, caress and fondle … a veritable cornucopia of luscious, sumptuous sensuosity.
All the while is the apperceptive wonder that this marvellous paradise actually exists in all its vast array. (Richard, AF List, No. 27, 8 Jan 2002).Richard: Hmm … I have no need of a contrast whatsoever. The perfection of this moment in eternal time and this place in infinite space is so pleasurable that people who call me a hedonist are missing the mark … hedonism is nowhere near as pleasurable as this that is my on-going experiencing. (…)
A cheap throwaway line … you have asked me before about hedonism before and I have explained it to you. I am not going to copy and paste that exchange because it is simply a waste of time. You are going to continue to run the line that Richard is a hedonist no matter what I say on the subject. So be it. You are a fool. (Richard, Konrad Correspondence, Page 15, 11 Nov 1998).Richard: I was wondering when someone would introduce the label ‘Hedonist’ into this list – and who it would be. As ‘Hedonism’ is merely the opposite of ‘Asceticism’, (which, I understand, is your current path to obtain enlightenment) it is but an example of dualistic thinking. (Richard, List A, No. 4, #No. 03)
Richard: Also, as you have titled this e-mail ‘actualism = hedonism’, the following will be informative:
• [Richard]: ‘… what I write is a report, a description, and an explanation, of what life is like in this actual world – the sensate world of this body and that body and every body; the world of the mountains and the streams; the world of the trees and the flowers; the world of the clouds in the sky by day and the stars in the firmament by night and so on and so on ad infinitum – which is the world which becomes apparent when identity in toto (both ‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul) become extinct.
In other words, the affective faculty in its entirety (which includes its epiphenomenal psychic facility) has no existence whatsoever … meaning that it is impossible to ever be hedonic (aka ‘a pleasure-seeker’) as the affective pleasure/ pain centre in the brain is null and void.
The following passage is how I have described the anhedonic actualism experience: [quote]: ‘To feel pleasure affectively (hedonistically) is a far cry from the direct experiencing of the actual where the retinas revel in the profusion of colour, texture and form; the eardrums carouse with the cavalcade of sound, resonance and timbre; the nostrils rejoice in the abundance of aromas, fragrances and scents; the tastebuds savour the plethora of tastes, flavours and zests; the epidermis delights to touch, caress and fondle … a veritable cornucopia of luscious, sumptuous sensuosity. All the while is the apperceptive wonder that this marvellous paradise actually exists in all its vast array’. [endquote].
Coupled with the inability to affectively feel pleasure is, of course, the inability to affectively feel pain (as in the pleasure/ pain principle which spiritualism makes quite an issue out of yet never does eliminate) even though most, if not all, definitions of anhedonia only say ‘the inability to feel pleasure’ … actualism, being *most definitely not hedonism*, can never be sadistic, masochistic, or sadomasochistic’. [emphasis in original]. (Richard, AF List, No. 74, 2 Sep 2004).Richard: Yes, the sex drive is an instinct … and this instinct – and other instincts – can be eliminated entirely. Then one is free to act appropriately according to the circumstances – and not out of an instinctual reaction. Instincts are not set in stone, they are simply ‘blind nature’s’ way of ensuing survival. With our thinking, reflective brain we can improve on nature in this respect, as we have done in so many other ways. Any instinctual drive can be eradicated.
Then one is free to enjoy the sexual act as a physical, sensual pleasure (not as an emotional or passionate ‘solution’ to loneliness and sorrow via love) or free to enjoy celibacy as an idiosyncratic celebration of singularity (not as a dispassionate or detached way to dissolve the ego via craftiness). It is then an act of free choice to have sex, or not have sex, just as easily in either alternative. No drive means no urge. With no urge there is nothing to have to deny, nor anything to have to indulge. Thus it is neither ‘Asceticism’ nor ‘Hedonism’ … this is an actual freedom.
I do not have any emotions to enjoy (or to dislike) as all feelings – emotions and passions – are no longer extant. (Richard, List A, No. 1).
I can only say it again for emphasis – nowhere in any of these quotes, taken from the selected correspondence on Hedonism, can I find Richard endorsing the “straight colloquial usage of pleasure”. Perhaps, if you looked up his correspondence, you overlooked the word “anhedonic” and “actualism, being *most definitely not hedonism*”.
Cheers Vineeto
Well, that will definitely mean I no longer call it hedonism.
I had a memory that the word had been used as I thought, but obviously not so. Your quotes are unambiguous.
To the point, the use of the word was that the cells of my body are not waiting on ‘me’ for instructions. They are already “enjoying “ being alive as cells do.
I couldn’t even name half the cells that exist in this beyond a general knowledge, and maybe a little bit more (I was always a fan of human biology stuff).
As to the cells producing ‘me’. You agree that they are not ‘me’. That was never in dispute, and was never my point.
My point got lost in reference to jellyfish. What I was saying is that none of the cells that make up me are waiting for my next survival plan. They “want” to live intrinsic to be what that are. The neurons, the smooth muscle cells of my heart, to the fibre of my ligaments and so on, are already alive.
I can’t even name them all. There are cells that I will never know the name of. Let alone know what they do, or how many there are of them.
That was the point of the posts. Jellyfish were something that appealed to me because I have been throwing a few back in the river, and I see them daily.
These were the types of references I had in mind with allowing pleasure;
PETER: What I came to see was that any resources I used or possessions I owned I had to pay for which meant I had to work for – i.e. sell my time to someone else in return for money. This realization was a slow dawning but I did have the sense to have a vasectomy after having two children, and soon adopted the quality-not-quantity approach to possessions. After meeting Richard I pushed the envelope a bit more, eventually trading my car for a new-age typewriter and reducing my work hours to a minimum in order to devote myself to the business of actualism as much as possible. Nowadays I find myself living a life of indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism yet at a level that would be easily be possible, sustainable and feasible for all human beings on the planet. To be an actualist is to become an ideal and model citizen of the world.
(Emphasis mine)
https://www.actualfreedom.com.au/actualism/peter/selected-correspondence/corr-hedonism.htm
Andrew: Well, that will definitely mean I no longer call it hedonism. (link)
Hi Andrew,
There is nothing wrong with using the word ‘hedonism’ if that is what you choose as your modus operandi. If you intend to be “chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Simple as that”, then hedonism is the exact word for this MO.
To just say you will no longer “call it hedonism” is not the issue – that is merely changing the label, not the action. The issue is rather, if you want to chase pleasure for pleasure’s sake, i.e. experience the ‘good’ feelings, push away or suppress the bad feelings under the guise. I only wanted to make it clear that this is not the actualism method.
Andrew: These were the types of references I had in mind with allowing pleasure;
‘Peter’: What I came to see was that any resources I used or possessions I owned I had to pay for which meant I had to work for – i.e. sell my time to someone else in return for money. This realization was a slow dawning but I did have the sense to have a vasectomy after having two children, and soon adopted the quality-not-quantity approach to possessions. After meeting Richard I pushed the envelope a bit more, eventually trading my car for a new-age typewriter and reducing my work hours to a minimum in order to devote myself to the business of actualism as much as possible. Nowadays I find myself living a life of indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism yet at a level that would be easily be possible, sustainable and feasible for all human beings on the planet. To be an actualist is to become an ideal and model citizen of the world. [emphasis by Andrew]. (Peter, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism, 28.5.2000).
(link)
Was it this ‘attractive option’ of “indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism” what coloured your understanding when you read Peter’s correspondence?
Of course, if one only focuses on feeling being ‘Peter’s’ experiential description one has to ignore that his experience was the result of practicing the actualism method which he described elsewhere, for instance –
‘Peter’: The essential method was to undertake a total investigation into anything that was preventing me from being happy and harmless now – after all, the point of living is to be happy and harmless now, not at some time in the future, or at some time in the past. The question to ask myself was, ‘How do I experience this moment of being alive?’ Now is, after all, the only time I can experience being happy. Any emotion such as anger, frustration or boredom that is preventing my happiness now, has to be traced back to its cause – the exact incident, thought, expectation or disappointment. At the root of this emotion is inevitably found a belief or an instinctual passion. The ruthless challenging, exposing and understanding of these beliefs and instinctual passions actually weakens their influence on my thoughts and behaviour. The process, if followed diligently and obsessively, will ultimately cause the beliefs to disappear completely and the instinctual passions to be greatly minimized. The idea, of course, is to eliminate the cause of my unhappiness, ‘me’, so that I can experience life at the optimum, here, now. (Peter’s Journal, Introduction).
And because you referred to Kuba’s recent message about sexual enjoyment (2 April 2026) “for context” here is another snippet of Peter’s report –
‘Peter’: So, it was obvious that the sex drive was the problem and the problem was in me. As an experiment, I decided to plunge fully into both masturbation and fantasy, to allow myself to push beyond the feelings of guilt and shame that had plagued me since my teenage years. I kept going beyond self-indulgence; and something curious began to happen. It became clear to me that this was just plain silly, stupid, mad and destructive. Here I was with a willing woman, to whom I was sexually attracted, and there was this drive in me that prevented me from being with her as a real woman. When I was with her sexually I would be thinking of other women, and I knew this to be a common male situation. When I saw other women I would be sexually attracted to them and fantasise about them. Facing this squarely in myself and contemplating it led me to a devastating conclusion. This sex drive within me is not concerned with me being happy with one woman; in fact, it is actively conspiring to prevent it! (Peter’s Journal, Sex).
This is to demonstrate that despite ‘Peter’s’ exuberant expression of “living a life of indulgent consumption that borders on hedonism”, it is not a philosophical advice but the lived description of the result of successfully applying the actualism method.
Just for completeness, because you seemed to have stopped looking after you found Peter’s quote – here are two examples of feeling being ‘Vineeto’s’ comment on hedonism –
‘Vineeto’: Those who overlook the second half of the phrase ‘happy and harmless’ often confuse actualism with hedonism and thus completely miss the point. You might be advised to check the topic of hedonism in The Actual Freedom Trust library – you will find that hedonism is diametrically opposite to an actual freedom from the human condition. (Vineeto, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism, 8.10.2003)
‘Vineeto’: Becoming free from the Human Condition of malice and sorrow means to pursue becoming happy and harmless. Whereas traditional Hedonism like the Charvakas have tried to suffocate or at least balance human sorrow by indulging in pleasures and avoiding pain, actualism aims to eliminate the root cause of malice and sorrow, one’s very ‘self’ – the animal instinctual passions with one’s overlaying social identity of beliefs, morals and ethics. (Vineeto, Selected Correspondence, Hedonism, 22.7.2000)
I only present this, plus the series of Richard’s quotes in my last message, to say there was no need for you to misunderstand actualism being equivalent to hedonism, unless you chose to and then hold actualists responsible for leaving a “large confusion” –
Andrew: Regarding “hedonism” I was using it in the way Peter and Richard used it, as in straight colloquial usage of pleasure. I would say that the contradiction of the definition you linked and the many colloquial uses on the AFT leave a large confusion on exactly what was being encouraged when sex is endorsed as something to be explored. In everyday speech, hedonism refers to chasing pleasure for pleasure’s sake. Simple as that. [Emphasis added]. (link)
As a final clarification a quote from Richard in the Actual Freedom Library –
Richard: … and quite another to delightedly enjoy the ripples of pleasure that this body is patently capable of manifesting whilst actualizing benignity and blitheness.
These organic waves of sensational pleasure are usually constrained by the demands of the entity for emotional and passionate feelings … which are the synthetic compensations for the supposed indignity of having to be here at all as this despised body. When the psychological – and psychic – entity willingly abdicates its sovereignty and takes its leave, the senses can act in their optimum manner … just as when a normal person becomes blind, for instance, all the other senses are heightened. The result is a phenomenal increase in the pleasurable sensitivity of being a corporeal body in this very physical world. The resultant benevolence produces easy good-will, kindness and benevolence, for one is living in a friendly world … made all the more amiable because of the innate munificence and magnanimity of the purity of the perfection of the infinitude of the universe as is evidenced only at this moment in time.
This is important to comprehend, for under different conditions thoughtful people are prone to jumping to the conclusion that one would then be an out and out hedonist – an unfortunate appellation for I rather like the term and wished it received far better press – yet as a matter of fact and actuality, one is demonstrating one’s appreciation of all that the universe can offer by being here in a palpable and tangible sense. Instead of standing back and expressing a feeling – an emotion or passion – about this world, one is saying yes to existence in the most evident and obvious way … with tactile approbation and sensibly discernible relish. One is fully committed, for one has realised that life is inherently perfect … and it is possible to live that perfection all the time. Then – and only then – is one being here. Being here is a direct experiencing of the actuality of this moment that is hanging in time and is vastly superior to ‘me’ as an identity ‘living in the present’. When one is actually being here, one is totally immersed, completely involved in living. One is no longer ‘holding back’, saving oneself for Something after death or Someone who is deathless. One is out from control; no more is one keeping part of oneself in reserve, for this moment is freely living me … and I am all of me. Being here as an actuality is to be doing what is happening with the full endorsement of one’s entirety. [Emphases added]. (Actual Freedom Library, Hedonism)
It would be more beneficial and crowned with success to not put the cart before the horse – in other words, first removing the obstacles to feeling good as they occur, such as resentment or anger or hurt (hiding), rather than artificially creating pleasure via practicing hedonism, using alcohol and imagination. When those obstacles occur, you can look squarely at the feeling on a ‘deep feeling level’ (24 March 2026) as in ‘I’ am my feelings and my feelings are ‘me’, and recognizing this you can see how silly it is to waste this precious moment of being alive by being resentful, angry or hurt, and be feeling felicitous/ innocuous instead.
Cheers Vineeto
I’ve been back and forth and for the most part have been feeling neutral to good. There was one day where I was more in the feeling bad zone but that also didn’t hit the lows that it would have. I have been wondering about this committing to feeling good and its ramifications. With committing to feeling good, it means feeling good no matter the situation or circumstances. My life looked like it’s going in a different trajectory. I would be “giving up” a big part of who I currently thought and felt I was. I was wondering this for most of the day. At one point the feeling came back again that I would be punished. The thought of what my dad said of ‘I would be found out and tortured’ or ‘I wouldn’t be feeling good when they torture me’. And I had this realization that I would only be tortured because of ‘me’. All of the ‘me’ in every body. This was the nature of Humanity. To pull everyone down to its miserable depths. And this feeling went away right after.
Then the next day I was thinking about how self-immolation only happens when I’m ready. Why make it a hard effort? I started thinking about the irrevocability of it. I got some strange discomfort in my head and chest that I’ve gotten before. It’s like ‘I’ have a locality, like I’m hidden somewhere inside the body, but not actually there either. Why do I hide and what am I hiding from? What is it to be here fully? I can’t seem to remember the exact details but I had this realization that what I’ve been trying to do is change ‘me’ (as in purify ‘me’ to be un-corrupt) and that ‘I’ cannot change ‘me’. ‘I’ am all of the feelings waiting to happen. ‘I’ am the very corruption. As long as this ‘me’ is in place, ‘I’ could become anything. Then the discomfort stopped and this was like great news because it meant that ‘I’ did not have to try to change ‘me’. And that is so effortful. I didn’t need to “solve” ‘me’. I just need to feel good.
What followed was an another bout of overflowing feeling good. I was talking with my co-workers and to customers. There was almost no self-consciousness and the conversation was effortlessly fun. I spoke completely unrehearsed. There were no favorites and there was heightened sensuousness. I noticed how I was feeling good and felt even more good. I experienced the dynamic and energizing nature of this moment. I experienced this dynamicness as me. I saw the universe as it occurs right now is always in motion. Always dynamic. Always new. Always interesting. Almost like always being at the edge of my seat. I occur only right here in this moment of being alive. Inseparable from being this flesh and blood body. I saw other people and they too were living this actuality but completely not noticing it. Or rather those flesh and blood bodies were living this actuality perhaps. This experiencing was again other to ‘me’. ‘I’ could never be like this. It is actually occurring. There could be no doubt or comparison. There were ripples of delight flowing throughout my body. It continued from work til I got home. And each moment I am missing out on this.
Hi Vineeto,
Yes it makes everything easier if I’ve made committing to feeling good right now the number 1 priority. It makes sense now why I’d be more stuck in certain bad feelings in the past for a long time. It’s because that commitment had not been made. Now that it has, it’s just a matter of returning to that commitment if I notice I’m not feeling good and also figuring out why.
Yes that is exactly correct. My original start to the “search for peace” was when I encountered Buddhism. At the time, it looked sensible to me as it seemed to offer a solution to the Human Condition. But I did not understand that its peace was otherworldly and “somewhere else”. It seemed attractive to ‘me’ because it also offered escaping death. Which I see was the main highlight for ‘me’. ‘I’ could be “somewhere else” where ‘I’ won’t die. And the entirety of it hinged on this belief. But by actively endorsing being alive here in this moment, I know that I am mortal and will die. To actively endorse being alive right now is to give up any otherworldly otherness. The ASC of being immortal is indeed one of the dreams that I am willing to give up.
I think I understand and I wonder if there is a reluctance to see that this ‘utter fullness’ as my destiny has to do with death. But also maybe I am doing all this also because I have a simultaneous desire for death/oblivion. Why is ‘my’ being so precious I wonder? What exactly is it that I am waiting for? What would make ‘me’ forsake ‘being’?
Yes it’s interesting how cunning ‘I’ can get in maintaining or resurrecting some good or bad feeling. All of ‘my’ way of operating revolves around survival. And actively feeling good goes against ‘my’ essential nature.
I realized that part of my loyalty to Humanity is because I think that ‘I’ can change Humanity. The same way that I thought that ‘I’ could change ‘me’ fundamentally. Very interesting.
I can see this now. Now instead of the fear of going insane, it has turned into a feeling of loneliness.
I am most definitely reaping the rewards more now and it is fascinating seeing all the workings of ‘me’.
Hi Chrono,
What you can also include in your considerations is that when you are feeling good, your intelligence and common sense works much, much better than when you are overwhelmed by feelings. As such, when feeling good, you are much more likely to act intelligently and give others no reason at all for “‘I would be found out and tortured’” or any such atavistic scares passed down the ages to keep people in line.
Chrono: Then the next day I was thinking about how self-immolation only happens when I’m ready. Why make it a hard effort? I started thinking about the irrevocability of it. I got some strange discomfort in my head and chest that I’ve gotten before. It’s like ‘I’ have a locality, like I’m hidden somewhere inside the body, but not actually there either. Why do I hide and what am I hiding from? What is it to be here fully? I can’t seem to remember the exact details but I had this realization that what I’ve been trying to do is change ‘me’ (as in purify ‘me’ to be un-corrupt) and that ‘I’ cannot change ‘me’. ‘I’ am all of the feelings waiting to happen. ‘I’ am the very corruption. As long as this ‘me’ is in place, ‘I’ could become anything. Then the discomfort stopped and this was like great news because it meant that ‘I’ did not have to try to change ‘me’. And that is so effortful. I didn’t need to “solve” ‘me’. I just need to feel good.
This is an excellent insight and worth remembering whenever you are about to fall back into making “a hard effort” to purify ‘you’, the identity, instead of connecting to pure intent and feeling good. The “strange discomfort in my head and chest” is the psychosomatic reaction to the chemicals triggered by the feelings about ‘my’ survival being under threat.
Chrono: What followed was an another bout of overflowing feeling good. I was talking with my co-workers and to customers. There was almost no self-consciousness and the conversation was effortlessly fun. I spoke completely unrehearsed. There were no favorites and there was heightened sensuousness. I noticed how I was feeling good and felt even more good. I experienced the dynamic and energizing nature of this moment. I experienced this dynamicness as me. I saw the universe as it occurs right now is always in motion. Always dynamic. Always new. Always interesting. Almost like always being at the edge of my seat. I occur only right here in this moment of being alive. Inseparable from being this flesh and blood body. I saw other people and they too were living this actuality but completely not noticing it. Or rather those flesh and blood bodies were living this actuality perhaps. This experiencing was again other to ‘me’. ‘I’ could never be like this. It is actually occurring. There could be no doubt or comparison. There were ripples of delight flowing throughout my body. It continued from work til I got home. And each moment I am missing out on this.
What a wonderful description of an excellence experience or PCE.
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Vineeto: Even though it looks as if you are inching your way forward in answering your question “what is at stake” you gather the experiential answer each time you pose this question. And because you have followed your common sense that committing “to feeling good come what may” makes perfect sense, to abandon everything that stands in the way of feeling good also makes perfect sense.
It’s a pleasure to read of your success – and all because your promise to yourself borne of common sense “to feeling good come what may”. Then everything else is of less importance and willingly given up.
Chrono: Hi Vineeto,
Yes it makes everything easier if I’ve made committing to feeling good right now the number 1 priority. It makes sense now why I’d be more stuck in certain bad feelings in the past for a long time. It’s because that commitment had not been made. Now that it has, it’s just a matter of returning to that commitment if I notice I’m not feeling good and also figuring out why.
It is indeed a very helpful commitment to make – when ‘it just makes sense to feel good’ is not enough to counter the swings of emotion which do occur from time to time, which then put common sense is in hibernation.
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Vineeto: Do I understand you correctly – that you feel trapped because, even though you “secretly believe” you can escape death, you also know “that to unreservedly say yes to being alive right now” you need to abandon this secret belief and instead embrace the fact that you are mortal?
Above you wrote “I am willing to give up all of ‘my’ dreams” – is one of the dreams being able to “escape death”? The spiritual dream of immortality via an Altered State of Consciousness?
If that is what you are saying you have certainly hit the nail of the head – coming down to earth from lofty heights, embracing the very physicality of being alive, and as such also your mortality, is how you are able “to unreservedly say yes to being alive right now”.
Chrono: Yes that is exactly correct. My original start to the “search for peace” was when I encountered Buddhism. At the time, it looked sensible to me as it seemed to offer a solution to the Human Condition. But I did not understand that its peace was otherworldly and “somewhere else”. It seemed attractive to ‘me’ because it also offered escaping death. Which I see was the main highlight for ‘me’. ‘I’ could be “somewhere else” where ‘I’ won’t die. And the entirety of it hinged on this belief. But by actively endorsing being alive here in this moment, I know that I am mortal and will die. To actively endorse being alive right now is to give up any otherworldly otherness. The ASC of being immortal is indeed one of the dreams that I am willing to give up.
Spiritual immortality being a very popular belief and you having held it for some time, it might take some contemplating and being aware of any reoccurrence of that dream of immortality. But the more you contemplate it sensibly the less it makes sense, being only supported by the passionate desire of ‘my’ survival.
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Vineeto:
Richard: Okay … this is important, vital, pivotal: ‘I’, the thinker, know that ‘I’ cannot do it … ‘I’ cannot disappear ‘myself’. Only the ‘utter fullness’ can, and the ‘utter fullness’ is ‘calling one’, each moment again, and it is only when ‘I’ fully comprehend – totally, completely, fundamentally – that to be living this ‘utter fullness’ is to be living ‘my’ destiny will one be able ‘to answer that call’. (Richard, List B, No 25f, 18 June 2000).
If there were a connection, then ‘I’ would not have to die. To put it differently – ‘my’ logical thinking to get from ‘here’ to ‘there’ (or rather from ‘there’ to here) cannot conceive “that ‘I’ cannot do it” and that ‘I’ have to disappear for the actual world to become apparent. In fact it is impossible for ‘me’, by ‘my’ very nature, to conceive that ‘I’ will ever disappear. It can only be understood experientially in a PCE or moments of apperception – and then it is perfectly obvious.
Chrono: I think I understand and I wonder if there is a reluctance to see that this ‘utter fullness’ as my destiny has to do with death. But also maybe I am doing all this also because I have a simultaneous desire for death/ oblivion. Why is ‘my’ being so precious I wonder? What exactly is it that I am waiting for? What would make ‘me’ forsake ‘being’?
What Richard is referring to is a temporary experience this particular respondent reported. You said yourself in the second paragraph above that “I was thinking about how self-immolation only happens when I’m ready”. Obviously you are not ready for the ultimate step and need to find out more about “why is ‘my’ being so precious”. Don’t let your feeling good be spoiled with a ‘self’-created conflict of being impatient. It is just another trick of ‘me’ trying to stay in the picture. (…)
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Vineeto:
Richard: […] The hallmark of ‘peasant-mentality’ is, in a word, loyalty. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu3, 28 May 2015).
Hence your “loyalty to Humanity” has various aspects of the social identity/ peasant mentality, which you can each recognize, understand and abandon whenever they stand in the way of enjoying and appreciating being here.
Chrono: I realized that part of my loyalty to Humanity is because I think that ‘I’ can change Humanity. The same way that I thought that ‘I’ could change ‘me’ fundamentally. Very interesting.
Fascinating, isn’t it – the focus changes from changing oneself to changing Humanity instead. It’s a dead-end road which, if believed, could keep you busy for the rest of your life. The attraction is that then ‘I’ wouldn’t be alone but at what price! It is also very understandable given the misery and mayhem happening all around.
This quote from Richard’s Journal may be helpful –
Richard: My questioning of life, the universe and what it is to be a human being all started when I was nineteen years of age. I was in a war-torn foreign country, dressed in a jungle-green uniform and carrying a loaded rifle in my hands. This was to be the turning point of my life, for up until then, I was a typical western youth, raised to believe in God, Queen and Country.
Humanity’s inhumanity to humanity – society’s treatment of its subject citizens – was driven home to me, there and then, in a way that left me appalled, horrified, terrified and repulsed to the core of my being with a sick revulsion. I saw that no one knew what was going on and – most importantly – that no one was ‘in charge’ of the world. There was nobody to ‘save’ the human race … all gods were but a figment of a feverish imagination. Out of a despairing desperation, that was collectively shared by my fellow humans, I saw and understood that I was as ‘guilty’ as any one else. For in me – as is in everyone – was both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ … it was that some people were better at controlling their ‘dark side’. However, in a war, there is no way anyone can control any longer … ‘evil’ ran rampant. I saw that fear and aggression ruled the world … and that these were instincts one was born with. Thus started my search for freedom from the Human Condition.
My attitude, all those years ago was this: ‘I’ was only interested in changing ‘myself’ fundamentally, radically, completely and utterly.
‘I’ was not alone in this endeavour because ‘I’ tapped into the purity and perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe with a pure intent born out of a pure consciousness experience (PCE) that ‘I’ had during a peak experience in 1980. Pure intent is a palpable life-force; an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself. Once set in motion, it is no longer a matter of choice: it is an irresistible pull. It is the adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage of exploration and discovery; to not only seek but to find. And once found, it is here for the term of one’s natural life – it is an irreversible mutation in consciousness. Once launched it is impossible to turn back and resume one’s normal life … one has to be absolutely sure that this is what one truly wants.
Eighteen years ago ‘I’, the persona that I was, looked at the natural world and just knew that this enormous construct called the universe was not ‘set up’ for us humans to be forever forlorn in with only scant moments of reprieve. ‘I’ realised there and then that it was not and could not ever be some ‘sick cosmic joke’ that humans all had to endure and ‘make the best of’. ‘I’ felt foolish that ‘I’ had believed for thirty two years that the ‘wisdom of the real-world’ that ‘I’ had inherited – the world that ‘I’ was born into – was set in stone. This foolish feeling allowed ‘me’ to get in touch with ‘my’ dormant naiveté, which is the closest thing one has that resembles actual innocence, and activate it with a naive enthusiasm to undo all the conditioning and brainwashing that ‘I’ had been subject to. Then when ‘I’ looked into myself and at all the people around and saw the sorrow and malice in every human being, ‘I’ could not stop. ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ had just devoted myself to the task of setting ‘myself’ and ‘humanity’ free … ‘I’ willingly dedicated my life to this most worthy cause. It is so delicious to devote oneself to something whole-heartedly – the ‘boots and all’ approach ‘I’ called it then! [Emphasis added]. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Foreword).
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Vineeto: I understand you were appalled by realizing how remaining a “denizen” you are actively supporting ‘Humanity’, and it is no wonder ‘I’ come up with the most potent and threatening counter-argument to leaving humanity – that you will go insane. But as you more and more realise, the alternative to sanity is not insanity but the salubriousness of being less and less of ‘me’, in other words, being felicitous and innocuous and appreciative of being alive. When you understand this, then chipping away at your loyalty to humanity is no longer such a scary big deal.
Chrono: I can see this now. Now instead of the fear of going insane, it has turned into a feeling of loneliness.
The above quote also answers your question of loneliness.
Richard: “‘I’ was not alone in this endeavour because ‘I’ tapped into the purity and perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe with a pure intent born out of a pure consciousness experience (PCE) …”
Once you get the knack of connecting to pure intent and experience the benignity and benevolence inherent to the purity and perfection of the infinitude, i.e. of pure intent, then there is no room for loneliness. When you experienced what you described as “another bout of overflowing feeling good” there was no loneliness, even though no one else shared the same experience. The following quote might also help –
Mark: I have chosen not to tell acquaintances of this happening [health wise] as I have no wish to invoke pity, sympathy or such that would only serve to strengthen the ‘giver’ and ‘receiver’ of same. Two ‘selves’ live in totally different worlds so any sharing (of fear, grief, love) is not actually possible anyway! I have never before felt so at ease with aloneness (engendered by the gradual falling away of the shared beliefs of the ‘real’ world).
Richard: Aye, when loneliness ends, and one stands on one’s own two feet, this independence is a relief … yet there is more. Even aloneness can end. Where you wrote (Part One) that ‘all I can do is proceed, with pure intent, to continue to nibble away at ‘me’, I can only recommend proceeding with all dispatch. When ‘I’ self-immolate in ‘my’ entirety, the separative entity’s isolation disappears too … and an actual intimacy emerges that beggars comparison. This is because a person’s isolation is formed by the essence of their ‘being’… and ‘being’ itself is the root-cause of all the ills of humankind. (…)
With apperception, what one discovers, time and again, is that the personal boundaries that one feels so safely protected by, are made up of ‘my’ accrued beliefs as to who ‘I’ am. This is ‘my’ outline, as it were, shaped by other people’s description of ‘me’ … a construct which gives ‘me’ asylum in each different group into which ‘I’ wish to enter. Yet the outline of this construct creates, simultaneously, an enormous distance between ‘me’ and the world outside. At those times of peak experience, the distance disappears all of a sudden as ‘I’ vanish and this world is right here, so close that there is no distance any more. This is closer than any affective intimacy ‘I’ have ever longed for. This is serendipity indeed. This is a direct experience of actuality … and I have always been here like this … so safely here. The outline, the boundary that created the distance, was all in ‘my’ reality. ‘I’ created a substitute security for this original safety … a safety which has never known any threat, nor ever will. This genuine safety has no need for precautions. (Richard, AF List, Mark, 18 Feb 1999).
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Vineeto: Above you said “I am stunned at how long it has been” – to thoroughly and experientially understand how the human psyche works is a gradual process, and you are daily reaping the rewards.
Chrono: I am most definitely reaping the rewards more now and it is fascinating seeing all the workings of ‘me’. (link)
Ha, every word you write confirms that. It is a pleasure to follow your process to more and more feel good.
Cheers Vineeto