Bubs b2wf journal

[bub]

I realise one common factor among the effective (and innefective) methods is this emphasis on feeling good.

Tranquil Wisdom Insight meditation (TWIM) has a major focus on feeling that metta. Their big shtick is that the Budda mentions mindfulness breathing in his original works a handful of times, but says the metta bhavana word around 140 times (or so I remember).

Metta could have similar outcomes, but is a richer word than harmless.

Metta includes that warm hearted benevolence towards others.

By stopping engaging in thought trains of annoyance, I realise that there’s space for only one overlying emotion, and that’s probably related to thought, and that’s related to what I focus on.

It’s an enlightening journey to see what a large percentage of my thought content is negative. Some judgement and resistance about the world around me.

And there’s either space for that junk food kinda thinking, or appreciating the physical world around me.

I wrote about how exquisite my life felt at this point in time, but that’s all just a fantasy.

The the practical real world that’s a tiny bit more real.

The greenery comes alive, the sky and the sun through the clouds, feelings as I interact with people, and time just slows down. Or I seem to have developed a lot more patience. Waiting always used to make me uncomfortable. But now its just the now moving inexorably onward.

Panta rei.

So once I change my focus when I have draining thoughts, or avoid dealing with draining people, that empty space rapidly gets filled up with a higher percentage of ‘positive’ thoughts.

Though best still is not to get lost in thoughts and feelings, but come back to the real physical world. But hey, where’s the fun in that?!

In other news, I’m telling my housemate that it’s too expensive to pay him, but happy to take care of rent, food and some expenses. And he says that’s more than enough. He’s happy that no matter what I got his back. That there’ll be a roof over his head, and food in his tummy.

In return, we’re working out a system where he helps me sort out the shit I have to sort out. It’s simple stuff like chase a parking ticket fine (that I had paid the parking fee for), a couple of small claims court applications (I don’t like getting fucked over, but have rarely had a habit of standing up for myself).

I’d really like to clear up the RAM in my headspace, and see what (hopefully good stuff) comes in.

Everything else in my life is on autopilot. But my journals keep wanting me to build a daily routine, or and that’s made me (or at least one thought that decides its me) decide let’s give this body-mind organism what he’s begging for through all those journals. It’s not too much. 20 minutes of meditation a day, 10-20 minutes of exercise, and 25 minutes of admin a couple of times a week.

I’d like to add in us learning IT so courses like web development (udemy has a great Angela Yu full stack web dev course), and Charles Severance’s free Python4Everybody course - alternating both an hour a da y in the evenings, with maybe weekends, or sunday’s off.

I’d really like to cash in on the AI wave. The world as we know it is soon going to end. The technological singularity is here. Some might say it’s already happened. But now change is going to be unpredictable over a period of months, weeks, days and maybe hours. Once we get AI that’s more intelligent than any human who’s ever lived. Looks like ChatGPT5 or 6 latest. Then AGI (general) after that, and then ASI (super) intelligence after that. Who can predict what the heck the next few years are going to be like, forget decades down the line.

[bub]

What keeps me from happiness?

My focus on useless, draining trains of thought like
annoyance (resulting in irritability),
justification (some random thing I do that I justify in my head to imagined criticism),

I’ve stopped engaging in above thought patterns.

So what’s now coming up is this ‘solve problems, solve problems, solve problems’ repeated refrain.

I feel I HAVE to solve problems, because it’s impossible to feel happy for any sustained length of time if I dont address issues that are likely to blow up.

Then I’ve ALWAYS had background problems my whole life and been happy - but have I really been happy? The answers actually yes.

I still had the problems last week and felt amazing.

So yeah, fuck the problem solving, if it happens, it happens. If it doesnt, it doesnt.

Maybe add problem solving as another thought pattern that shouldn’t be encouraged.

BUT voice comes up saying, nope bro, these issues HAVE to be addressed.

I have to sack my manager, because he’s unreliable.
I have to link up with my new business accountant and make a solid way to get paid, because now I’m just transferring money to my personal account from my limited co bank account and saying it’s salary or dividends, when this is just a loan and I’ll have to pay everything back unless I pay myself by the book.
I have to link up with my website lady to upload videos and spruce it up.
I have to chase my old job to allow me to login because there’s 8-10 court reports so around £10k that I have to invoice and get paid.
A parking ticket fine that I paid the parking fee for. OR I get adverse credit and a County court judgement.
Another fine I need to pay. I rented a watch, and updated my card details, but they screwed up. I have to pay the fine (the debt company bought the money I’m supposed to owe) and then chase the original company for fucking things up. So yeah, if I dont pay the debt company, then another CCJ is likely.
And other similar jobs that are taking up open loops and eating up my headspace/RAM.

These are all high priority high consequence (positive and negative).

Solving problems makes me feel great.
My feeling great then is conditional on solving problems.
My happiness is then conditional.
How can I be happy without solving those issues - sure they are all just stories in my head and not real but really they are real with ‘real’ life consequences.

And the answer that comes up is a counterintuitive, fuck happiness, I have a baseline of feeling amazing no matter what the fuck happens.

Over and over again, the answer comes that all I need is 1-2 hours a week to address ALL my high priority high consequence issues.

Its IMPOSSIBLE to be happy if I have all these issues I’m avoiding, that have to be addressed (sure baseline happiness is there, but feels like a false economy).

Its like Nero playing the fiddle whilst Rome burnt.

Fuck happiness, bub, I’ll always have a baseline of feeling pretty darn good. But to feel balls to the wall fantastic all the time, I’ll have to slot in 1-2 hours a week to address shyt.

So let’s see what comes up.

Hypothesis:
Real balls to the wall fantastic happiness isn’t possible with avoidance causing multiple open loops eating up headspace and RAM.
Open loop closing (at least the most important ones) will result in RAM and headspace opening up.

Points to consider:
Will I keep creating open loops, and problems will keep cropping up to be addressed or will these be permanently addressed with a 1-2 hours a week commitment.
Will I be B2WF happy if I do solve these or will I keep adding things to be addressed. Then stick with the hard limit of 1-2 hours a week to address them.

Should I be happy no matter what the fuck is happening in my life i.e. unconditionally OR do I have to address issues. Can be happy no matter what is happening, yes, BUT not quite b2wf.

Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.

I still feel it’s impossible to be truly happy without the chopping wood and carrying water.

If I was on a boat in the middle of nowhere, I would still have to empty out the water in the loo, bring in new water to put into the toilet, a system for having a shower, getting soap, food has to be bought and cooked, light bulbs to be replaced, electricity bills to be paid, or solar panels installed.

There’s a whole host of issues that need to be addressed to keep the body-mind lifestyle going.

There simply is no avoiding that.

The problem is my constant focus on getting jobs done, when maybe just set the 1-2 hours per week time, and slot it into the schedule. Never done that, despite wanting to. But lets try.

So set the 1-2 hour time slot, and forget about getting things done outside those times. And hopefully watch the feeling happy transition into feeling b2wf.

All I know is I don’t know what will happen, and what is likely to happen is going to be a complete surprise and not foreseen here, BUT will be a good lesson learnt to take forward into the future.

[bub]

Once I decided on a plan to address stuff, my headspace just opened up. Sure, it’s still waiting to get that bit of relief by actually carrying it out.

Current plan:
5 minutes of writing or updating issues that have to be addressed.
20 minutes of meditation in the evening.
10 minutes of exercise in the AM before I get ready for work.
One high priority task a day (they call it the MIT - most… )

That’s a bare minimum schedule I think I should be able to manage. When he get’s back we’ll add in an hour in the evenings to get high level learning done like a full stack web dev course and alternate that with a python course the next evening and do this 6 days a week.

The meditation is for the specific effects of pumping my mood up, increasing intuition and insight quality, much much less useless mind chatter, not sweating on the trivial shyt, improving focus, improved tranquility, improved energy levels, improved communication and rapport and a non screen windown from the day before sleep.

The exercise is for pretty much similar outcomes. Big problems appear small (this used to be my biggest motivation to exercise - being unaffected),

Tranquility, being on top of the world with high level motivation feels like it would be a heady combo.

Harmlesness is dead easy.

Happiness is easy to. But Joy - that’s a whole different beast.

Happiness one can just latch onto no matter what is happening. All once has to do is remember one is unhappy and reset.

But Joy - joy you have to Work for.

Here’s looking to maximise that.

Maybe throw in a ton of play in - do a fair bit already - but just finding things I most enjoy doing and do more of them.

I understand I’m doing this all the wrong way - I’m trying to control circumstances, there is no free will, how can there be self control without a self, my happiness is conditional, theres too much egoic contraction etc etc etc.

But the lesson isn’t in getting this done, but what lessons crop up on the other side.

Sure, maybe the end goal is lost in apperception in the now - right now, I can’t manage more than a few seconds at a time. But that’s AF - for me, I’m far better with my end of seeking goal. Just watch the world unfold. However it may.

Currently the plan appears to be moving to set a baseline of tranquility. That’s more important than happiness.

Set the foundation or environment for the good stuff to come in.

Clear RAM. Regular exercise and meditation with all their effects.

AND after that my personal holy grail - creativity. Whether it’s writing, developing products, apps, video courses, anything. One at a time, of course. But that’s the goal - to move towards a life where my Now is spent creating.

But for now, today’s high priority task is to sack my manager. sigh.

[bub]

I’ve had an absolutely magical day. Sunday at home, and I got my MIT done by sacking my manager. It was a peaceful conversation, and I was honest about my very reasonable 3-4 reasons for sacking him and we wished each other well.

I only want to play the ‘me’ game as little as possible. Because it’s a dangerous beast to play with. I’m hoping that giving this body-mind organism the absolute barest minimum that it keeps clamouring for i.e. a bare minimum daily routine with a high return on investment, then let’s give it to him.

I did my ten minutes of exercise today, and feel great after. My MIT was sack manager. Just completed my evening meditation (first time using brain.fm for meditation and I think I went far deeper than I ever remember). Looking forward to my last week in this job. With no idea where I’ll be next Monday. The uncertainty is something I can live with and I find exhilarating.

Binge watched Fool Me Once and it just drew me in and it’s my ideal series where I don’t know what’s happening, and there are twists and turns ending with a satisfying twist in the tale.

I’ve told myself not to watch series, and just films but Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad are special parts of ‘my’ life.

I can’t focus on sensate apperception for any extended length of time. I swiftly lose interest. But lost in a movie, or book, or with friends or family or in exhilariting experiences.

I realise appreciating my life and where it’s going to take me is great but that’s fantasy.

Whats around ‘me’ is ‘real’. And it deserves to be fully engaged with. Not as a chore, but as a source of joy.

I know the score. There is no bub. There are thoughts that come up from awareness where they will go back into. One thought says forget about solving problems, the key is remaining worry or fear free in the present moment. Another thought appears to say there is only the Now, spend it losing sense of space, time and that sense of ‘me’. Another that thinks lets give this body mind organism what it wants. Another saying baseline of tranquility. Another clamouring for creativity. Another saying play the ‘me’ game as little as possible and get lost in the actuality of whats in front of me and around me. Another saying just one post in here a day. All of them thinking they belong to ‘me’. But ain’t no me, and never was.

The body will type. But there’s no typist. And there is just THIS oneness unfolding inexorably in the flow of life.

A stream of thoughts just passing through. A stream of feelings to go along with them.

So thats the score. Or rather my view of the ‘reality’ around me.

I’m just fooling myself into thinking let’s act as if there is a me, as if we have free will to automate this last little bit. I might or probably will end up with egg on my face, but it’s the lessons after that will carry me forward.

My goal is to just have that baseline of tranquility and use the present moment to be lost in experiences. That I most enjoy. And in that time, lose sense of an ‘I’, and space and time. And do this as much as possible.

Spend as little time lost in thought or inside my head. And as much time as I can in peace and joy.

The ‘real’ world is outside. And deserves most engaging with.

I signed up for a Hygge pursuit of happiness diploma course, and started watching in and it’s like synchronicity that I felt drawn to it now.

An earthy cosiness and comfort spent with friends, no tech, enjoying food and drink. Can use it for my CPD.

Netflix. Learning. Social connection. Creativity. Exercise. Meditation. Sleep. Enjoying work. This is where I’d like to spend my Now. I can’t be stay focused on apperception for more than a few seconds, feels too much like work to me. Might change in the future.

I want my body to engage with the world around me to create joy. Marie Kondo’s spark joy cleanup or Danish Hygge.

Basically create the environment where the good stuff can come rushing in. All I have to do is feel good. Or as Abraham Hicks calls, be in the Vortex.

I’d also like to engage more with this body-mind organism. Especially the body and will sign up for regular somatosensory therapy.

I’d like to think there’s a bare minimum enlightenment which is the felt realisation that there is no me, and that there is only the now. Successful bare minimum enlightenment (for me) is spending as much time as possible being present in the present. In that non contracted space.

Final enlightenment (for me) is the end of seeking where if there is seeking, it’s from a place of exploration and wonder rather than lack or fixing, where everything feels on autopilot and in flow, sitting back and watching the world unfold. Not resisting anything or anyone, and accepting everyone as they are. Drawn into a delightful real time appreciation of the world.

This morning, I was neuroticising about sorting out problems, when all that voice needed was a plan.

I used to avoid doing shyt at work, and this used to give me spectacular amounts of stress, but now that I have systems in place for work, work stress is pretty much zero with my jobs getting completed everyday and backlog zero.

Need to do the same at home and with personal stuff, complete the stuff that if I don’t do will land me in the shit. And to have a bare minimum system to get there.

The issue isn’t problems in the background, or avoiding them, the issue is worry in the present moment detracting from my feeling good.

I realised that I had to do was the bare minimum exercise, meditation, tick one thing off high ROI routine the body-mind organism has always seemed like it was clamoring for.

That’s about as much of the ‘me’ game as I’d like to play.

And when out and about, go a step above harmlessness, and give benevolence a shot.

But yeah a fantastic day where I lost in food, drink, cooking, netflix, learning, chatting with friends, with very brief periods of the ‘I’ or space/time thoughts creeping in. Just an all round joyous day.

[bub]

I’ve been feeling pretty good all the time.

Apart from when I’m traveling. This is when my mind runs free with useless thoughts and feelings.

I try to be apperceptive, but never managed that for any length of time.

But day was good, and I was being benevolent, and kind hearted.

And I noticed the number of times I felt like responding. To angry emails etc.

And I thought let me respond to them peacefully.

A couple of times I was annoyed recounting incidents to a couple of colleagues. But had told them of my new commitment to not encourage annoying trains of thought. And changed the topic soon enough.

This evening however, I snapped at somone. It was a police officer who rang me from a no caller ID, I saw it and didn’t pick it up. And the guy actually rang again.

He had previously rung me on Saturday morning on my weekend off asking me to fill a form (which I had wanted to speak to him before I filled it and he took several days to respond).

Sent me an email about it this morning.

And now rings me outside work hours at 8pm, twice from no caller ID - two calls means emergency. BUT that’s also a known trigger for me. Two calls in a row over trivial shit. I’ve previously snapped at people for this. Or at the very least, made sure to tell them the next day.

It’s exception reporting circumstances in the UK if we’re called out of hours, or even have to stay back after work.

He started talking and I stopped him and said this is unacceptable ringing at these hours. And he asked what hours would you like me to ring? I said you emailed me this morning, give me some time, I have a busy job and… I said let’s stop here. He looked like he wanted to ramble on about something else.

I said I dont want to talk right now and we ended the conversation.

There’s multiple prior triggers that intersected.
No Caller ID calls.
Two calls in a row makes me think emergency. It being about a trivial issues is a trigger.
Being repeatedly asked to do something in double quick time. I am top of my paperwork and take 24-48 hours at most to do jobs that most others in my job ask for weeks for.
Being repeatedly asked to do something trivial and meaningless like this form.
And a lack of insight about any of this. Lack of insight into messing up is a trigger (probably a mirror too).

I want to write tomorrow to his line manager because they shouldn’t put another fellow professional through this.

Add that it spoilt half an hour of my evening (longer because I’m writing about it as it’s an ‘event’ where I crossed the harmful line and I thought this would be a relatively easy line to stay on the right side of).

Sure, I didn’t do it out of spite or malice, and it was an immediate reaction. And appropriate looking back.

But it was unkindness to a fellow human being.

What’s anger? It’s not only someone crossed a boundary, but that we want to hurt them for it. The second part is the ugly bit.

And that will be the purpose of the letter to his line manager. But it’s just more drama. And it happened. Its’ in the past. I just have to sit with the feelings till they dissipate. I ignore them, they come back to bite me in the butt.

So yeah, that’s me. Great day with just this one hiccup. It’s already in the past.

And I shouldn’t let it affect my present moment. BUT have to sit with the feeling for a while longer. Might as well enjoy being annoyed for a while then. Hah, wanted to write in the letter that it spoilt half an hour of me evening, and likely half an hour of his evening too. But these clueless guys often lack a conscience.

Ahh, annoyance and anger. Those compelling addictive drugs that give a quick high and linger with ugliness.

Sit with staying annoyed for 30 minutes, and life will go on (anyway).

[bub]

My wobble post the incident with the police officer lasted about an hour and was then back to happy and harmelss in the present moment.

I wroete to him yesterday. Saying this - should have used chatGPT who compiled a fantastic professional letter.

Please accept my apologies for my irritability yesterday.

I was wondering if calls to professionals could be kept to within working hours (I received a call from you on Saturday morning, and again last night (two calls from no Caller ID which makes me assume emergency).

Please also reconsider repeated reminders as I was rung on Saturday AM, email reminder yesterday and another out of hours call last night.

My daily exercise and meditation is on track, and so are my daily tasks and this is reducing background stress to almost zero, and my reaction to everything that occurs is usually good, sometimes dark, humour.

Here’s the evolution of my thinking-
HAIATMOBA.
Present moment filled too much with annoyance - dont engage with annoying streams of thought.
Background stress from personal jobs not being addressed - barebones system of one task a day.
Happiness is easy - let’s pump the mood up to joy - barebones daily routine of exercise and meditation.
Harmlessness is easy (takes me from -10 to zero) - let’s step it up (from zero to +10) to a genuine benevolence or good heartedness.
One off incident of irritability - address all wobbles in the day with EFT/EMDR to get charge down to zero.

Present moment awareness continues. Moment to moment joy continues. Peace building up rapidly in background with MIT, exercise and meditation.

Feeling pretty good pretty much all through my present moment.

ONLY time I’m not feeling super good, is riding into work, when I’m lost in thought and not engrossed in something.

[bub]

Thought I’d put up a maximum of one post up here a day. Wrote this first part a couple of days ago and didn’t update it.

There’s one issue that keeps repeatedly cropping up and it’s related to my (previous) constant annoyance.

I sometimes forget to stop encouraging the annoyance trains of thought.

Annoyance related to people not respecting very reasonable boundaries, showing no insight or unable or unwilling to grasp this when it’s brought up with them.

For example.
Posting on here with a very reasonable request about let me follow my own journey, and multiple people saying NO, you have to do it THIS way or the highway i.e. leave the forum.

A police officer with multiple emails and phone calls, treating a routine form like an emergency when they themselves (per usual with my police dealings through work) had postponed chasing it for yonks.

My accommodation sourcing agent not respecting boundaries - multiple messages in the evening, ringing me at work, pushing me to ring her, pushing me to view properties I’m clearly not interested in and refusing to take no for an answer. I saw a shitty property and dont want to waste my time like that again, and she said she wanted to show me another property (she didn’t turn up as her train was late - not her fault). And I said I need to sign up and know about viewing a property and not just be taken for granted.

This seems like I’m sweating small stuff but it’s not being listened to for a very reasonable request. Like with acco agent, it’s clarity - please accept my no on properties I dont want to view, and show me properties I’ve signed up for viewing.

This doesn’t seem to be a projection/mirror because I go out of my way to listen to people and address their requests.

[bub]

I wrote the above post a few days ago, and am writing this one today.

Started a new job, that’s an absolute dream.

The commute to work is an hour from home, but I’m such a lazy entitled spoilt bastich that I’ve got accommodation a few minutes from work.

I’ve realised over the years that the only stress in my life comes from the pressure I put on myself to do even more than I’m doing AND any source of conflict in my life that’s not well handled i.e. without me losing my rag and maintaining good humour and rapport.

I’ve decided that there’s a zero tolerance policy to conflict at work i.e. others can give me shit, but I absolutely cannot give anyone else shit. There’s only two things expected from me at work i.e. be safe and dont fight with anyone and I’ve decided NOT to do the latter bit at all.

That leaves only one source of stress - putting pressure on myself to do even more than I’m doing.

Now I can let myself off the hook and say I’m doing a phenomenal amount of work with my life, but I can’t fool myself - I do avoid addressing a few high priority issues in my life.

I was feeling great with the daily exercise, but stepped off the gas with the new job, and new place.

So yeah, instead of focusing on exercise, or patting myself on the back thinking I’m doing enough - I’ve started doing what I’ve been avoiding.

An hour a day in the morning on high priority work (which is work if isn’t done, lands me in a bit of soup down the line and not mad validation seeking tailchasing) has been working an absolute charm.

I do one module of web development learning a day and this two pronged approach of doing an hour of high priority tasks a day, and about the same of high priority learning in a day leaves me glowing all day.

That’s really all this body-mind organism that’s called Bub has been pleading for all through his journals - dont fight with people, and doing avoid doing important shyt. Bonus points for learning high end concepts that will drive my life forward.

That’s me pretty much sorted.

I’m paying my flatmate a decent salary and he’s been an absolute star in getting things done, so this will move my business forward too.

Looking to find jobs for him to complete, has me completing them myself.

Told him the aim is to get all the monkeys off my back the rest of this month, and autopilot my way into the next stage of my life.

This is the sort of effortless joy that I’ve been looking for, sure I’ve been happy no matter what happens BUT happiness is cheap, joy takes work and I’ve been getting to joy with the work I’ve been doing recently.

Yep, that’s me sorted. Been feeling on top of the world pretty much ever single day since my last post anad don’t really see myself dropping off (unless I fight or argue with people (which was 1-2 times a month at most) or get back into avoiding confronting high priority work).

Also looking forward to me starting somatosensory therapy and will address this issue of avoidance which has been a huge part of my life.

It’s like I’ve had this feeling of discomfort when I try to address the issues I’ve been avoiding, and I’ve told myself it’s the discomfort that’s what’s been stopping me so will be great to see what happens when this discomfort disappears on being listened to and addressed.

Excited for my first sesh tomorrow.

[bub]

One sentence I’ve been using repeatedly over the past few days is ‘I’m in heaven’, and I really feel I am.

I’m working in the best place I’ve ever worked in, and have started working with older adults (where the focus is on actually helping clients and families) vs the risk management slant of adult work.

My colleagues and workplace are off the charts fantastic and I never realised it was actually possible to have a genuinely and constantly joyful experience at work.

Maybe this might be the first (second - as I’ve worked with older adults before) time I’m actually being the good guy vs the agent of social control right wing authoritarian cog in wheel.

I find I’m finding it hard to get this across on here but saying it one last time, I never expected it was possible to have a wall to wall positive experience with any job, and have it supremely fulfilling, but here we are.

When I do my morning address outstanding issues (i.e. things if not addressed will cause me problems downstream vs external validation seeking issues), then I feel on top of the world.

But when I don’t, I get stressed again. And I realise that this only happens because I step out of TMOBA.

If I do the morning admin, great. If I don’t, then park it till the next day and keep being timeline focus on the present moment.

However, I have to be honest with myself and accept that no matter how much I might delude myself into focusing on the now, gratitude, appreciation, what not - the background anxiety WILL build up with avoidance.

For me, I’ve found yeah, I can fool myself into thinking I feel good, and even feel like I’m in heaven everyday, but there has to be that progress towards counteracting the natural entropy that will develop in my life. Otherwise life descends into chaos, and I’m fucken Nero fiddling away in la la land.

I know some peeps here might say then your happiness is conditional, so your approach doesn’t count. But when I am convinced of anyone with unconditional happiness, I’ll more than happily be disabused of that notion.

Until then, I’ll be happy everyday as I’ve always been, but not really truly happy if I’m avoiding dealing with the natural buildup of entropy in my life.

I had my first somatic experiencing session.

It absolutely blew my mind away.

I’m flabbergasted as to how much of a no brainer listening to emotions is and how unskilled I was at it (despite allegedly being super competent at it due to my profession).

Just sitting with the emotions, and listening to them took me on a journey that mimicked my life story and themes down to a T.

In brief.
Multiple issues causing background anxiety.
Issues HAVE to be addressed or will compound with consequences.
Anxiety below these feelings. Anxiety tells me I cant get rid of it, I’ve tried several therapies, brain training, but I need the anxiety to address stuff. “I’m here to help you, yo”. And I wont survive without it. Or at least that’s what it said.
I am strong. Even stronger than the significant strength I already give myself credit for.
Solve it with strength. But not a rah rah strength, but a harmonious strength.
Feeling in throat. A block (I have a stutter).
Scared of speaking my truth with people because of responses. Also a source of fear from attack in relationships.
But people cross super reasonable and simple boundaries (like on the forum here - let me do me, please being met with…).
Then a torrent comes out of my mouth. Lashing out.
Followed by guilt, shame, regret - for days, weeks, sometimes years.
Feeling comes up in throat again. This feeling says it’s the solution.
This feeling runs away to my left flank and when I catch it it says - dude, you’re a part of Oneness. Just watch the show unfold.

So all of the above was a summary of all the issues I’ve ever discussed in my journal here, and pretty much all the issues I have in my life.
And ALL the insights, or realisations were just me listening to my body and nothing where I was actively generating thoughts - I just sat back and listened and saw what came up.

Then the feeling in my throat came - that oneness is what I usually feel is the solution isn’t the solution.
Then what is - I sat curiously waiting for the answer.

You’re sad, bruv. You’re sad, lonely and isolated.
Just last night, you were scrambling around on your phone desperately trying to speak to someone and no one answered.
In your dreams you’re falling in love with someone or the other, and even in your lucid dreams, the first thing you do is have sex.
It showed me an image of a boy building a beautiful sandcastle - and kids playing in a group nearby. He’s out of the group and saying fuck em. BUT he can always join the group and they would happily have him.
A girl’s playing in the sand. She’s been through a few up and down relationships, and has had enough of all that and just wants someone who can give her kindness, and who will be there for her. And has a bare minimum standard that she won’t throw shit at them, and wont have shit thrown at her i.e. someone just like me.
And I thought, that’s what I would love - to be able to come home to someone who was nurturing, kind and supportive.

That was the end of the session and I can’t wait for the next one.

I guess I’m on here (this forum) because this seems like a post enlightenment methodology.

I have a bare minimum standard for enlightenment - there is no bub, never was. And there’s only the Now.

Focusing on ATMOBA, showed me that there are feelings that get in the way of my happiness. And whilst it’s easy and even tempting to demonise them, these are valuable emotions that are desperate to teach me the most valuable lessons and insights of my life.

I read about Guy Smith, who got to enlightenment with non duality and he realised it wasn’t all that, and there was till work to be done after that and he espoused somatic experiencing i.e. relating to the body-mind organism.

Absolutely fascinating how the body has all the answers, and all I had to do was just listen. Equally fascinating was realising how unskilled I was in the most basic of tasks - listening to my emotions.

Even now, I’ve tried it without the therapist and make little progress on my own.

Enjoyed it so much, and found it so valuable, I’ve signed up for twice weekly sessions.

[claudiu]

@bub

But people cross super reasonable and simple boundaries (like on the forum here - let me do me, please being met with…).
Then a torrent comes out of my mouth. Lashing out.
Followed by guilt, shame, regret - for days, weeks, sometimes years.

Ahh so interestingly after my post in October (Bubs b2wf journal - #58 by claudiu), right around when I posted it I was feeling a psychic tension (as in a psychic current)

Then soon after I posted it — not sure if it was the same day or the next day — I felt an intense deep feeling of regret through the psychic web.

I was rather sure it wasn’t coming from me as I didn’t regret anything I posted (after going through it many times with a fine-tooth comb), and also it wasn’t ‘sticky’ in the way my own feelings relating to my own issues are.

It faded pretty quickly but I gathered that the exchange was over — which turned out to be right.

It’s good to get confirmation that it is what happened. One of the benefits of accepting the reality of vibes and psychic currents and being proficient in the actualism method is starting to be able to viscerally feel others’ emotions and passions and to be able to limit the effect it has on me (although it can never be zero).

It reminds me of my experience with Richard and Vineeto in the airport as I was leaving after my first trip. They were completely unaffected by the palpable psychic currents and vibes swirling all about. And it’s not that they were ignorant or or oblivious to them — to be ignorant of something it has to exist to them be ignored. It simply was clear that they didn’t exist and thus passed through them as their non-existence could not affect that which actually exists.

It made it clear that quite unlike Enlightenment, which is transcending the human condition while remaining rooted in it (and thus capable of being affected by it), actual freedom was about eliminating the human condition in its entirety.

‘tis truly bizarre, the human condition! Thus becoming free from it can be bizarre as well.

Cheers,
Claudiu

[Kub933]

This is quite fascinating, it makes me think to similar situations that I have experienced lately. For example when I come in contact with my house-mate there is usually this palpable feeling of uneasiness. It’s a weird one because whenever I have tried to investigate into myself to find the root cause of it, I can’t find anything substantial. And I have been wandering to what extent I am simply picking up his uneasiness.

It’s a funny one to deal with also, it seems that in order to limit the extent to which I am affected by others’ vibes, I must look into why I still have the antennae set to detect them. Why I still insist on looking out for this particular dimension, what is the investment of feeling others out in this way? Or what is my investment into this particular feeling? Eg someone socially awkward might have the antennae cranked up all the way in order to avoid embarrassment etc.

It seems to me that the antennae is switched off once that particular emotion is truly done with. As in there is 100% confidence that there is no point going there in any regard, even in terms of feeling someone else experiencing this particular emotion.

[claudiu]

@Kub933

It seems to me that the antennae is switched off once that particular emotion is truly done with. As in there is 100% confidence that there is no point going there in any regard, even in terms of feeling someone else experiencing this particular emotion.

Yea you’re onto something there. I always think of the example of a small child having a screaming anger tantrum. Surely this creature will be emitting lots of angry vibes, yet as an adult not involved it can actually just be funny and amusing that they are upset over something so trivial. So the ‘antenna’ indeed isn’t always on!

[Kub933]

Yeah exactly, I have had situations since applying the method where for example I’d have some kind of interaction with others and straight after they would say something like ‘god that was awkward wasn’t it’ and to me this dimension of the experience simply didn’t happen, as in I could not relate at all, I did not feel it.

It’s such a freeing experience actually, because then I can have complete confidence in seeing the interaction for what it was, equally I can have complete confidence that they were indeed being silly.

[claudiu]

@Kub933

Yeah exactly, I have had situations since applying the method where for example I’d have some kind of interaction with others and straight after they would say something like ‘god that was awkward wasn’t it’ and to me this dimension of the experience simply didn’t happen, as in I could not relate at all, I did not feel it.

Ya! And last thing that this prompted is that I’ve learned that just because I didn’t experience it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen for other people. It’s the distinction of naive vs gullible. I used to think if I didn’t feel offended that the other person didn’t mean offense even if others around me did. But now I see that it’s sensible to both be naive as I’m not be offended but still fully understand the situation and that others were say offended and why etc. So there’s no downside, you are happy and harmless and you don’t lose any understanding or capability of being in the world, to the contrary you end up being able to function better.

[bub]

@Kub933

It’s such a freeing experience actually, because then I can have complete confidence in seeing the interaction for what it was, equally I can have complete confidence that they were indeed being silly.

I do have this experience, but still get drawn into it as a feeling being.

And regret my reactions or responses esp if they are ‘uncool’.

As regards how I’ve been on this forum, there’s close to zero guilt or regret.

The things I do feel some guilt about was calling son_of_bob a dimwit and I immediately said I felt I crossed a line there.

And also pulling you (kub) into my AF criticisms i.e. taking advantage of your engaging with me, and twisting it into an anti AF slant.

Just those two things. Everything else I’m super chill with. Okay, maybe a third was getting my panties twisted a couple of times and showing my annoyance or reactivity i.e. ‘uncool’.

But yeah, maybe there’s my lesson in my first sentence in this post - see others as being silly or even unreasonable, but temper my feeling being responses i.e. be like the Fonz i.e. be cool.

[Kub933]

I’ve been thinking about this one, I cannot see this experientially yet and I think this is why I am still on the look out for certain vibes, eg with my house-mate. I feel that in some way I need this mechanism in order to operate safely with others.

I do have experiences just like you’ve described, where no longer being pulled side to side by various vibes I am able to look at the situation in front of me from a clearer vantage point. I can see that maybe this person is upset or they are acting in this or that way and the fact that I am not caught up in their vibes is a blessing not a curse because I am able to operate sensibly and also quite surprisingly at times, kind of like what you described with the family situation recently.

It reminds me of what Richard writes that his responses are impeccable at all times and sometimes to his own surprise, there is a taste of that when I am able to operate sensibly.

[bub]

It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and thought I’d update with how I’ve been.

AF was wonderful for me, because it kickstarted me on a new journey and clarified certain basic ideals I should strive for mainly appreciating and enjoying this moment of being alive AND being happy and harmless (or like they say Dont be a Dick).

I feel better now than I ever have - not that I feel great all the time, or even most of the time - but that I’m more accepting of the ups and downs of life.

Like the 9th Buddhist fettter says about restlessness - this arises from an underlying dissatisfaction of inability to fully settle into the present moment. And reflects a not so subtle clinging - often to doing, achieving, fixing or resolving something.

And the natural human tendency to try to suppress it, indulge it, or distract from it only perpetuate the cycle.

Buddhism states that the path to liberation isn’t about suppressing restlessness but about allowing it to arise without resistance. And when restless is met with open curiousity, and understanding that it’s not personal, but a conditioned response, and like all phenomena is impermanent, and when fully accepted as such, it loses it’s power to dominate experience and I’m no longer bound by it, even if it does arise and it WILL.

And when I stop trying to get rid of this restlessness and settle into a radical acceptance, it ceases to dominate, and even if it arises, it doesn’t cause agitation or compulsion and to sit with it naturally without seeking or fleeing.

Over time, this restlessness becomes just another passing sensation, no more significant than any other.

It’s about embracing restlessness as part of the human condition, and allowing it to rise and pass without resistance.

This is easy to say, but maybe for me at least, the goal is to understand that I’m living God’s perfect plan, and even my most wonderfully Perfect life isn’t anywhere near as good as God’s warts and all naturally Perfect plan.

I got things wrong before, by trying to feel good all the time and ‘ruthlessly address what’s not making me feeling good’ with lists, setting systems in place and reviewing them.

This only meant my present moment came second best to some arbitrary future moment, where I have ALL my shit shorted out, when whatever I aimed to achieve or did achieve would pass in the impermanence of all things. Whatever I aim for and get WILL pass no matter what I do.

Sure, feeling good is a worthy goal - but feeling good without trying to fix, fight, or free should be the way. And feeling good can often be nothing more earth shattering than gratitude and appreciation of the now.

And the frustration, restlessness and self judgement that arises from failing to meet impossible standards is more likely to entrench my suffering than alleviate it.

And to feel good all the time, goes against the very nature of the world against life’s natural flows that have good, and not so good. There’s beautiful sunshine, but even the rain, storms, snow, and even natural disasters have their value.

Snow teaches me stillness, rain teaches renewal, wind teaches impermanence, and disasters as painful as they are, teach resilience and perspective. And each moment, no matter how challenging, contributes to the tapestry of life’s perfection.

The world operates in cycles, light and shadow, growth and decay, pleasure and pain and to try to step outside these cycles is to deny their intrinsic value and beauty.

It’s like the zen idea of ‘just sitting’ (shikantaza) restlessness or not - all experience is embraced without resistance.

Even single celled organisms have sensate valency - and it’s simply unnatural to expect a life where I feel good ALL the time.

Maybe my escape key isn’t to feel Good all the time, but embody good aspects like goodness, kindness i.e. happy and harmless and don’t be a dick.

And as regards getting rid of the ‘self’, there is no self to get rid of, there never was. And who is the ‘self’ getting rid of another ‘self’. That seems like a tautological fallacy.

Even if I attempt to delete the social construct or identity, because even after years of psychotherapy it might be impossible to uncover AND dissolve the thousands of ‘programs’ I might be running, most set up before I was even 5.

Social conditioning might include allegiance to a football team, a country, religion, philosophy, family, job, money, survival, a gazillion other things I will never ever have even the slightest clue about and even shame can hide my ability to even notice them.

Rather than striving to erase every trace of conditioning, perhaps the answer lies in trusting the divine dance of Leela and embracing life as it unfolds—while striving to be kind, compassionate, and harmless.

The futility of chasing a ‘problem free life’ has been replaced with a reframe where I’m seeing challenges and restlessness as integral parts of a fulfilling life rather than barriers to happiness.

Maybe life isn’t about solving everything all at once, or achieving some final state of perfection, but gradually cultivating gratitude, kindness, and presence, all while being comfortable with discomfort and impermanence.

As regards my unhappiness, I can’t be unhappy with myself for doing or not doing anything, because everything set out at the beginning of time and can’t be unhappy with anybody because there is nobody in there to be unhappy with.

And emotional discomfort for me is the most magical route to feeling good ironically.

Short term feeling good leads to long term feeling bad.

Short term feeling bad i.e. exercise, working on stuff can lead to long term feeling good.

I shouldn’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.

Maybe what I was previously seeing as bugs, are actually features of a perfect system.

Valency, whether sensate, emotional or instinctual isn’t an obstacle to overcome but a fundamental driver of life. To help us navigate this world, form connections and survive. And stripping away this ‘valency’ would strip away the very essence of aliveness.

Life’s spectacularly beautiful as it IS. Warts and all. Better than my wildest dreams could imagine. Why, why, why do I have to keep fighting God’s perfect plan?

And it’s about living life fully, not escaping it. This warts and all life is more perfect than any utopian fantasy that my peabrain could ever imagine, and I realise when I stop resisting and idealising, life becomes an adventure rather than a problem to solve.

The sun feels warmer, the rain more refreshing, and even the thorns in my side carries meaning when embraced with curiosity and openness.

As long as I don’t forget, life, warts and all, is already Perfect.

[Kub933]

Hey @bub your post came at a good time, because I was writing about this just yesterday :

This moment has no duration - #133 by Kub933 :

The problem with reason alone is that without the grounding of fact it turns to affect to fill the gaps. In fact most people’s world views ‘make sense’ to them logically, they can string together a bunch of affective constructs in a way that seems infallible and yet as you mentioned with the right perspective it is really laughable.

Hence as Richard wrote “it is impossible to combat the wisdom of the real world”, it has been woven so intricately, with each belief having reference to another so seamlessly, the end product appearing so reasonable. And yet the PCE shows the whole lot to be incorrect.

Can you see that your entire post is essentially mental/psychic gymnastics designed to make that which you know is imperfect seem perfect. You are essentially saying that as you can’t change human nature you might as well accept it for what it is. This is the way of spirituality, based on the original resentment of being here and then seeking to turn this into Beauty in order to make it palatable.
You can call it gods plan but the fact remains that as long as ‘I’ remain in existence life will not be experienced as perfect.

But really isn’t this simply accepting second best? Not daring to aim for pure and unadulterated perfection but rather straining to make ‘reality’ perfect (which it can never be).

As I wrote in my post the PCE can show you in an instant that the worldview you propose in your post is simply incorrect. That in actuality there is neither good nor bad, there is only perfection and purity, that there is absolutely no need for acceptance or beauty in order to make life more palatable.
No need for any mental gymnastics to prove the perfection and purity as it is being lived with 100% certainty. It is a life changing experience because it shows all the ‘human wisdom’ that came before to amount to coping mechanisms.

If you can remember a PCE then you can have certainty that actual perfection and purity is possible. If you cannot remember a solid PCE perhaps you can throw your memory back to your childhood, do you remember a sense of magic that seemed to be infused into the very world you existed in back then? Can you remember this sense that life was a fairy-tale like experience? Something that you were later locked out of when you became an adult.

If you can recall this flavour, if you can taste it to any degree then you can discover for yourself the perfection which has never known imperfection. This is not a case of transcending the good and the bad, it is rather about discovering a place where the good and bad never existed in the first place. In actuality all is pristine and so there is no need for Beauty to rise over the Ugly, the perfection which you aim for as an actualist is completely untainted by anything that exists in ‘reality’ and thus it does not require any mental/psychic gymnastics to make it palatable.

[bub]

Kub, beautiful soul,
AF not for me bub.
PCE not for me. I skydived a couple of weeks ago - felt like a PCE. Still remember every little detail of the incident.

All you guys have been wonderful to me - once I know what a PCE is like then I’ll be converted - but I’ve had 5-meo-dmt - completely lose sight of myself, and get lost in becoming the visuals in a non dual sense. ayahuasca a few weeks ago when every leaf on the trees appeared to be shimmering and time stood still as ecstacy filled my being.

I can reverse uno Richard’s quote you sent my way, throw mental gymnastics back at you but for what. You’re a beautiful soul with a beautiful journey.

Let me be happy and harmless. Thank you for your ever present kindness.

Repeat what I’ve repeatedly said. Constant PCE or getting rid of feeling being not for me.

If any of you ever truly find what you’re seeking, I’ll be curious to hear about it and learn from your journey.

Happy and harmless. Sensate apperception. Appreciating and enjoying this moment of being alive. Absolutely yes.

Again, no chase for some future shangrila.

No mental gymnastics in appreciating the ups and downs in the now with non resistance/acceptance.

This world as it is now, is spectacularly beautiful enough for me.

Me, as I am now, and you as you are now are spectacularly beautiful.

The worst things to have happened to me, the people who have been the worst to me - absolutely magical. I see the immensely rich lessons they taught me. All parts of consciousness playing their part to get all of us Home.

What more can I ask for?

[bub]

Maybe I should respond with authenticity.

Post enlightenment - which for me is two bare minimum standards of realising there is no ‘me’ never was, and there is only the now - I thought there is something here - these feelings.

I know AF progress comes when there is a deep dislike for this feeling being.

So yes, I thought there is no me, never was, but these feelings are there, and let me connect with them with somatic experiencing therapy.

So for the past few months, I’ve been connecting deeply with this feeling being - and it’s been a magical and wonderful journey. It’s the absolute highlight of my week.

What happens is for the first 10-15 minutes, I connect to feelings.

Like for example, now I’ll have a range of feelings.

I just thought I’d post an update on here with where I am.
Be as respectful as possible and not diss AF or the forum members.
I then hear you quote Richard as saying people can string logic together, but PCE shows that’s all bollocks.
I think I’ve had a ton of PCE’s, but if I go into them, then people will say no PCE.
Then a thought comes up, it’s important for me to realise PCE - if I’m not convinced then it’s not PCE.
I realise, nope, skydiving or ayahuasca not PCE to me.
But 5-meo-dmt for fricking sure - because I BECOME the non dual awareness absolutely in love with the visions - in fact, i am the visions and the thought of Bub is so far away it’s not even accessible. Drowning in bliss, and unable to even get access to my identity even if I wanted to for those few minutes - that should be a PCE.
Next thought - I can’t convince anyone here I had a PCE and that I didn’t think it was all that.
Then I hear mental gymnastics and I think no me to get rid of me, but some me steps back and hands over control to some other me and then says get rid of me and me then disappears and all this isn’t mental gymnastics?
Thinking police officer berating me, I’ll be late, have to do something, so I start crying, but not crying but facsimile of crying isn’t mental gymnastics.
But dont say anything.
I give the most kind response I can muster.
I then think my response saying when one of you get there, then I’ll reconsider was passive aggressively mean. That one sentence digs at me. And there is guilt with that. I then change sentence to if any of you get there, I’ll be happy to hear of your journey.

So yes, I listen to feelings for the first 10-15 minutes, then the most magical thing happens - my feelings start speaking to me as if they were a separate person.

Saying things like:
You say you’re happy, but how can you be happy if you’re always annoyed or anxious.
I say I need some anxiety to get stuff done - to hear, I dont need anxiety to get my work stuff done 100%. to use that same professionalism with my personal stuff.

I say I have a ceiling of self worth and deservedness and they say, bollocks, you are a greedy so and so and want the best of everything. Your issue isn’t self worth and deservedness, it’s really sitting with emotional discomfort. The people you respect the most have succeeded mainly because they have sat through emotional discomfort.

They say the girl you want doesn’t exist, and go for a girl who you feel like sleeping with multiple times a week and I do that. And it goes awry, and they then say, don’t go for love, that’s looking for childhood wounds to get healed. Go for a ‘boring’ girl - the girl who’s been dumped by boyfriends or dates thinking she was too boring, she will give you the love you want, and vice versa.

I could go on and on, but connecting with these feelings, or feeling-being if you must, and communicating with them has been one the most beautiful and enriching experiences of my life.

It’s like having the wisest, most compassionate and understanding soul guiding me and helping me navigate life.

And I could never ever dream of getting rid of this wisdom.

I don’t think one can achieve a constant PCE - once I meet someone who has (including Srinath) then I’ll definitely reconsider.

Here’s me being as honest and helpful as I can be - it might come across as dissing AF, and I am to be fair. But it’s as helpful as I can be.

Look at the criticisms -
Overcomplicating an allegedly simple process.
If things were simple, Vineeto wouldn’t need to corrrect experienced members on basic thoughts on an almost daily basis.
Self immolation - no clear cut guide to get there. I know, I looked, and looked and looked. If it was clear, more than 3 people (original founders) would have gotten there.
Getting rid of social conditioning - thousands upon thousands of programs to be gotten rid of. Heck, I have a few deep seated programs I would love to get rid of. Even this emotional discomfort before gym would change my life drastically.
I’d think how egotistical or grandiose I would sound if i ever told anyone I knew that I had gotten rid of ALL social conditioning.
The process isn’t simple, or clear - or Vineeto wouldn’t be having to clariy things on a daily basis and people would actually be having a better success rate than 0%.
But if not better than 0%, then at the very least what about feeling a PCE for longer than a few minutes?

So for me, I see the lack of success with PCE’s, the mental gymnastics, the rationalisations, the frustrations despite no lack of tremendous tremendous effort and think let someone else get there first and I can reconsider.

For now, stick with what demonstrably works - happy and harmless, appreciating and enjoying this moment of being alive, sensate apperception, and yes, deep genuine caring, which Srinath said was a major driver for his success.

PCE showing the perfection of life and destroying duality - 100%. But you dont need a constant PCE to get there, if in your heart you genuinely believe there is no duality and it’s all absolutely perfect as it is.

Why a constant search for a constant PCE, and have a chronic dissatisfaction with the present moment coming second best to some arbitrary post self immolatory post feeling being post social conditioning future? Which no one other than original founders have gotten to.

There are far better worlds than this - I point you to Actuality, ladies and gentleman.

Absolutely perfect actual now. That can’t get any better than it is (the only way it can get better is with my growing gratitude appreciation of it’s absolute perfection). Driven by the LOVE that characterises EVERY single aspect of existence.

How does it get better than This?