Scout: Thank you both very much for you thoughtful responses Vineeto and Claudiu, these are really helpful. I don’t feel denigrated at all; I came to actualism after I started having lots of experiences like these because amidst all the chaotic overlays that existed in both the positive and negative experiences, I recognized the core truth in the writings as aligning with key parts of the experiences. But almost none (maybe none honestly) of my experiences have been fully “clean”, so it’s helpful to talk with people who are deeper into this and help tease apart what is real and what is my psyche resisting reality.
I think part of the reason I ask about this in the first place is because I have felt things going further recently, becoming more and more aware of this quiet on the constant periphery of my experience which, if I start to surrender to it, I find in any given moment that all is good, and my senses take the forefront and become sharper and more enjoyable. But then my mind often snaps back and looks for something “wrong” or distracts me with some other pursuit.
Hi Scout,
You might still be influenced by your previous meditative training in that you blame ‘wrong thoughts’ on the way you feel, when you say – “then my mind often snaps back and looks for something “wrong”“. What most likely alerts you to something being “wrong” is that feeling good has diminished or disappeared. Then you look for the trigger, get back to feeling good (just the basic feeling good) and then you can work out what this “something wrong” is all about be it a habit, a pattern or something else. This is exactly the way, which has worked for many here, how to diminish the psychological pain you so urgently want to escape from.
Scout: So I think my mind clings to these past horrifying experiences as warnings that scary things might await if I go too far and go off the deep end.
These past experience should indeed be a warning, especially if you are contemplating taking DMT to rush into the next out-of-the-ordinary experience. The point is that there is already a groove, a mental-emotional highway, so to speak, which your mind presently gravitates to – possibly originating from previous meditation/ dissociation training or the fact that you are trying “have contact with infinity” (link) in order to escape “‘I’ as pain”. This is most likely ‘you’ trying to have contact with infinity, which is an impossibility. ‘I’ can never “have contact with infinity”. ‘I’ would have to go into abeyance for this to happen and it cannot be forced. It will only make you susceptible to imaginary passionate altered states.
The more reliable and enjoyable way is to activate delight (link) from which to progress into feeling excellent and from a state of enjoyment and appreciation you can invite /allow a PCE to happen.
Ian had some excellent suggestions in his post to you suggesting “Start with being kind to yourself” (link).
Scout: But Vineeto you are right in your assessment that I want to escape “‘I’ as pain” and my hyper-analysis and fixation on these experiences is part of it. I am scared of going from my current amount of psychological pain towards more pain too. Your responses are very encouraging that these depths of pain, fear and disorientation are not related to becoming actually free and aren’t necessary parts of getting in touch with reality. (link)
These experiences you described are certainly not part of becoming actually free – on the contrary. The reason we label them ‘actuality mimicking ASCs’ is because the identity tricks you into believing that this is actuality in order to scare you and convince you that you need to stay as ‘you’ are and then the passionate ‘I’/ ‘me’ can stay in control of your life. Attentiveness can help you to recognize these very tricks and decline.
Hence the actualism method starts from where you are at, being attentive to how you feel in this very moment of being alive, and seeing how silly it is to waste this precious moment, now, the only moment you are actually experiencing by being scared, angry, sad, resentful, or fighting the feeling you feel.
You know it is possible, you have already done and reported it on January 17 –
Scout: My previous focus had been on just giving attention to every moment regardless of what was coming up. But no emphasis on appreciation. this resulted in me feeling like coming to the present moment was a painful experience a lot of the time, and avoiding it.
Now I emphasize savouring it. Even in the presence of pain, I find aspects of whatever is happening to cherish. It makes the pain much more manageable. And it’s led to me taking better care of myself which has reduced the bodily discomfort I’ve been experiencing. (…)
Amidst upwellings of fear and sadness and mania, my baseline has become pretty much good. I think I can be ok even if I’m sick. But working on retraining my brain to appreciate whatever’s going on seems like it might actually physically help my illness too.
I will keep applying the method. I feel like I love my life again. I feel so curious to know myself deeper. And grateful that I can return to a grounded appreciation within myself again and again if I keep reminding myself to. (link).
It’s certainly worth continuing on this path to feeling good with patience and perseverance – and also continuing to appreciate what you have already achieved.
Cheers Vineeto