Thank you both very much for you thoughtful responses @Vineeto and @claudiu, these are really helpful. I don’t feel denigrated at all; I came to actualism after I started having lots of experiences like these because amidst all the chaotic overlays that existed in both the positive and negative experiences, I recognized the core truth in the writings as aligning with key parts of the experiences. But almost none (maybe none honestly) of my experiences have been fully “clean”, so it’s helpful to talk with people who are deeper into this and help tease apart what is real and what is my psyche resisting reality.
I think part of the reason I ask about this in the first place is because I have felt things going further recently, becoming more and more aware of this quiet on the constant periphery of my experience which, if I start to surrender to it, I find in any given moment that all is good, and my senses take the forefront and become sharper and more enjoyable. But then my mind often snaps back and looks for something “wrong” or distracts me with some other pursuit. So I think my mind clings to these past horrifying experiences as warnings that scary things might await if I go too far and go off the deep end.
But Vineeto you are right in your assessment that I want to escape “‘I’ as pain” and my hyperanalysis and fixation on these experiences is part of it. I am scared of going from my current amount of psychological pain towards more pain too. Your responses are very encouraging that these depths of pain, fear and disorientation are not related to becoming actually free and aren’t necessary parts of getting in touch with reality.