Andrew

Journals
142

And so the war of the sexes continues.

Maybe i should pursue that 22 year old that likes me? Then i will be worth the attention of 47 year olds?

What a stupid game really. Utterly pathetic.

Naivete is a super power. Things become so clean and clear.

Let others live as they so choose.

Never take it personally when that choice is buying animals to fulfil their attention needs. The cat will have a pampered life. No losers there. Except of course if i am dumb enough to miss out on the shear fun of being alive now.

I think shares in a pet store is a great investment in the modern relationship market. Cute kittens and pug dogs.

There is gold in them thar hills, i tell ya!

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143

I think this explains furries too btw

“humans are so confusing, I wish everyone was like my dog!”

“I know, I’ll just be a dog!”

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144

Well, until the sexual revolution and the current 3rd gen wave of said such, the Average man was a dog.

Loyal. Faithful. Kinda funny looking. Would take a bullet for ya.

I think the real world is “deliberately” pushing for it’s destruction. The death instinct on the collective scale.

Showing itself to itself. The gods are unmasked and debased. What was already there, in true narcissistic form, WANTS to be found out. Wants to smirk at you in the court; yeah, i really did it, but you can’t prove it.

Except of course, we can. We can bring down the tyranny, because we are the tyranny.

The irony of the modern furrie child, in lieu of an actual one, echoes the debasement of the Roman empire ; give them the circus!

However, again quoting my previous god-man “these things must come, but woe to him through which they come”.

It is the drama we need to have, to see the freedom we need to have.

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145

My friend told me: “my reality is disintegrating.”

He had watched so much media, had so many contradicting ‘realities,’ that nothing made sense anymore. He could counter every one of his own thoughts.

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146

Naivete. Day, i can’t remember.

So with naivete comes optimism. With optimism come disappointment.

The things i dare not hope, think possible, a naive me dares to entertain.

And so, i see why i have pushed it down.

Naivete is that which lays all my hopes and dreams out in the open. And that can sting.

It’s not for the weak of knee, or fragile continence.

One finds out that optimism is a rare thing. Fantasy extremely common, but a real “we can do this!” is like the echoless abyss answering back.

That has smitten mine vagus verily.

Or less pretentiously, my heart gets a bit more broken every time i find i am alone in this endeavour.

Naivete dictates that such a break is a good thing. How else would i find out what i am doing to otherwise remain me?

But, it will take guts to go there. That’s ok, all i have to do is remember how much better this world would be without the ‘real’.

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147

Being realistic. Adjusting my expectations. Knowing what the score is.

In other words; being in the world as it is, with people as they are.

My exploration of what attraction is, and how they plays out in disgust vs desire, what “Sexual Market Value” (SMV) is, (how it is not a negotiation ), and how only a fool who wishes to suffer ignores it.

Of course, that fool was me for what seems forever.

As the Doobie Brothers sang “What a fool believes, he sees”.

I must be circumspect on the details (sorry, i realise context is so useful).

In short ;
All sexual relationships are a transaction based on ones relative SMV. I must emphasise, relative. There is no recognition of global exchange rates in SMV, no intermarket adjustment, or price guaranteed bonds. If one want to trade at a relatively better rate, then one moves to another market.

I realised i had completely overvalued myself. Much like many others, and what a narcissistic ego is want to do, I believed myself to be of higher value in my market, than the market is willing to pay.

As Claudiu said, it is all very simple. Attracting and being attracted is simple. Realising the overlap however means actually seeing the overlap.

It wasn’t where i would have preferred it. However, with a quick readjustment of expectations, a pain in the chest, and a few days of dejection and a good dose of naivete, i am exploring another chapter of a book i had skimmed over too quickly.

I am back with my partner, exploring what i dared never do again. Love. Jealousy. Passion.

Ah, the classics. :joy:

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148

And so it goes.

I would really like to have more one on one phone convos with actualist interested people.

I don’t really care how successfully you are an actualist. I mostly care that everything i ever learnt about life and living came through some interaction with others.

I think that this forum, and the actualism culture of isolation and individualality is not going to cut it.

Let’s get messy. Have the dramas we need. Maybe, we can crack open this whole thing.

Maybe, i just need that interaction. Words on a screen don’t cut it.

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149

Don’t know about getting messy and needing drama, I have more than enough of that around here thank you very much. But happy to interact outside this forum with you, Andrew. One-on-one though. Not too keen on party/group dialogue at this point. My door’s open for you.

150

Cool, i will DM you.

151

This encryption thing is a hurdle. I found a way to generate a “paper key”, whether I will be able to use it successfully I don’t know yet. I sent you a DM with my email address as a way to avoid the issue altogether. Or you can try shooting me another DM and I’ll see if I can punch in a new paper key successfully.

152

I keep ignoring the paper key pop up. I don’t understand it. Anyway, i think we are there now.

153

Keep telling yourself that :wink:

A good way I found to check my intentions is to ask myself if I’m going down the wide and wondrous path or not. Or to put it another way: Am I investigating love/jealousy/passion/etc because it’s pulling me off the wide and wondrous path and into humanity’s quagmire OR am I investigating love/jealousy/passion/etc because maybe I can find a way to make it work despite personal experience telling me otherwise.

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154

@solvann

Haha, i really appreciate that!!! :joy:

I think you are correct. I ended up today getting depressed by the situation.

What I thought was a good idea, regarding what i had posted about SMV, (about my own value) is not a road to feeling good.

Thanks for the frank feedback.

It seems I am acting out of fear of being alone.

155

So, out of left field, it seems that it is the case that what was also bothering me all year was that i didn’t have my own house. A stable life. The relationship drama had another whole level to it.

Losing nearly everything in divorce, having made a lot of poor decisions, it’s never been something i investigated as far as how that affects my expectations and experiences.

There was a glimpse a few days ago regarding this, and being in this rental during the current heatwave in Perth (44 degrees Celsius) and the getting back with the ex all triggered my thoughts tonight to it being my financial situation which needs to be emotionally sorted out.

In fact, there isn’t much to “sort out”. Just seeing that it was there has made me feel a lot better.

So much easier when I know what is actually bugging me.

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156

My partner is younger than me and likes to go out a lot more than I do, and I realized yesterday night that I’m really enjoying being domestic at this stage in my life… organizing shelves… burning candles… it’s not to be sniffed at lol

This reminds me of a couple weeks ago, we and @Kub933 realizing, ‘are we allergic to doing what’s sensible?’

You do it for yourself, not because ‘society tells you to.’

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157

As spotted by Solvann, it wasn’t this. Certainly not in some deliberate “i shall now explore this territory properly, using the scientific method, for the good of humanity”.

More like;, i took an ego hit, and felt the reality of having overinflated my smv, having not been prepared to accept that i, like every other person, does not get to “have it all”, and that i have to go through some blows to my delusional and fragile ego, to otherwise unravel my compliant, yet broken soul.

Feel the burn, without running this time.

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158

“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t want to try.”

Nothing particular about anyone, just an observation about life.

Having said that, the participation of those interested in actualism is piss poor. Seems to me, we need another Vietnam. No worries, i have no doubt the real world has one lined up.

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159

Trying to pin down a feeling and it disappeared.

Contemplating dying, and the world/universe rolling on forever without me.

I don’t know what this feeling is.

It disappeared.

Forever without me. Really? How could forever not need me?

160

@Andrew This sounds like it could be fear.

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161