Andrew

Journals
1309

Hi @JohnE ,

I don’t think we have “met”, but my memory isn’t the greatest for human interaction. Ha.

I am glad those comments rang a bell for you.

I have been reflecting a lot on them over the last few days. Specifically, how something so obvious, so completely obvious, could be in itself invisible to me, for the entire 12 plus years, I have been interested.

I am appreciative that Kuba could spot it and articulate it. Very much so! I bow to the Sensai! Haha.

However, it really got me on that deeper level of “shaking my head” at the absurdity of it. Thousands of hours, millions of words, and such as simple phrase “I am doing it to be loved” never occurred to me. Perhaps, somewhere someone said it to me. Certainly that topic is huge on the AFT, and as far as romantic love, that has been a solid topic over the years.

So, the “shaking my head” at this really got me contemplating what was missing in the whole “way” that I, and In fairness, thousands of others who have either bounced off, or barely stuck around in Actualism do “being interested and trying the method, et al”.

I am going to put it out there in something of a “crowd funded “ statement, I.e. feel free to build on it or whatever;

The power is in the completeness of an original and immediate apprehension of one’s being.

Otherwise said, and probably there are dozens of ways to say this;

The complete admission that “I don’t know” BUT that is completely OK, leading to the rejection of “thought out” or “parroting “ or “moralistic “ or “religious “ answers to the question “How Am I experiencing this moment of being alive?” In the context of “Enjoying and Appreciating is the only thing that makes sense” and that “I could die any second now”.

That is, when I consider that whole mental space, of not knowing what I obviously do not know, in the context of enjoying being “the ultimate “ and death’s immanence, then the “power” is in the determination to have, in that moment, a genuine apprehension of just what it is I am feeling that is in the way of, complete enjoyment and appreciation of being alive.

Before anyone thinks to act on the feeling that they are reading a version of Andrew that is somehow intellectually bypassing here, this is all an actual report of what is working.

That is, it’s better to go without any of the conversations, of the reading and thinking etc, if it’s not that moment of genuine apprehension of what it is that I am experiencing, in light of both what is sensible (enjoying) and what is factual, death immanence.

1310

So back to what Kuba pointed out, and why I was able to hear it.

There are two things I could talk about. The observation itself, “I did all of the to be Loved”, and arguably the more important topic of what I, or anyone could do to avoid 12 years of not seeing this, and what it could mean for the approach interested people take to Actualism as a whole.

I learnt a word perhaps 3 weeks ago which really “sat me on my ass” emotionally.

I haven’t looked up its dictionary meanings, but the word is “Aporia” and I was told it means the state of “not knowing “ which leads towards “ wonder”. I really should look it up, but I have zero f*cks to give about it lexical etymology, but rather the state I was told it means

“I don’t know, and that is OK”

Had I been able to say such a thing 12 years ago, this may have played out a lot differently.

That I obviously didn’t know, was mostly something I couldn’t accept, let alone be OK with.

That topic is the one which led me to be in the mental state to even read what Kuba wrote and emotionally know that it was true.

1311

So, the ongoing experience is, that “not knowing “ is OK. It’s the antidote to intellectualism driven by the need to “know”.

The further freedom is from the skill than Kuba displays and the insight that he articulated “I did it all to be Loved”.

So now I will talk about that.

Kuba, whether he meant to or not, capitalised “Love”.

That capital “L” sunk me.

I wanted to be Loved by God. Everyone; Richard , Vineeto, everyone I am talking too, is God. The ultimate source of Love. I can’t easily describe the spiritual aspect of this. God is Love, and it would take many Encyclopedic essays to describe what a psyche raised with this truth has experienced.

Maybe it’s something I will write about after I am free. That makes more sense to me now, than trying to explain it now. :sweat_smile::joy:

It has shaped everything I have ever done. Love. God. Interchangeable in my psyche.

I recall talking about this maybe 6 months ago. How I started talking to God again. Which is what brought me back to interacting here. Which is what drove me away from interacting here.

It was learning what “Aporia” is, at least the definition I was told, (yes, I looked it up, and no, it’s not what I was told).

“I don’t know, and that’s OK.”

Is there actually a word for this? Perhaps in another language?

It’s very important, at least for me. I finally experienced naivety and wonder because of it.

1312

To be frank, the “I don’t know and that’s OK” as a state of emotion, as a mental place of quiet, of an emotional place of calm, is just such a perfect “pointer” for me.

I looked up Aporia before the last post, and it sorta applies to the state, but not really.

I do wish that is really did mean “not knowing and that’s OK” .

I now understand why Richard searched for antiquated terms to resurrect.

Being emotionally OK in the intellectual state of not knowing, leads to a greater sensuousness.

I can vouch for that. It’s not “full blown” wide eyed wonder, yet.

But, as an “entry point “, saying “Aporia” to myself (with it’s special meaning) makes the clouds and trees, my emotions and thoughts, all that bit more bright, immanent and peaceful.

1313

Actually we already have a great word for such a state - naïveté :smile:

To be naive is the opposite of being sophisticated, and you have described well what a sophisticated intellect will get up to in the absence of actual knowing.

And this state of “I don’t know and that’s ok” is what sets the scene for a fascinated contemplation to reveal the actual facts of the matter. Such contemplation also opens the door to wonderment and amazement. Then it is more than just “I don’t know and that’s ok”, it can become “I don’t know and I am fascinated to discover”.

Richard has spoken about seminal questions which were asked in such a way as not to provide a thought out answer but rather leave one wondering and thus inviting actuality to reveal itself.

Isn’t it amazing when these things click experientially, for me too! Vineeto did recommend many times on this forum in the past year to experiment a little with living life without a plan, to be ok with not knowing what will happen etc.

It’s a fascinating topic for me too because I am discovering over and over lately that it’s not just this particular query around Love or my ecological BJJ training or what have you - It is that life itself is like this. I notice more and more how ‘I’ would twist ‘myself’ into a knot trying to create plans and systems and schemes and then to try to make life fit into those, but always failing.

And then I am discovering the fun, the delight, the freedom of living life in such a state - “I don’t know and I am fascinated to discover”. Richard has written that this particular moment has never happened before, there is no way to tell for sure in which way it will happen, how much more stimulated can one be?

And what we are talking about is in this very direction, and I find that it is not only safe and effective but also engaging and fun to live in this manner.

And then I think back to those questions I would be asked at school or an interview etc - Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Well right now I look into ‘the future’ and I notice it’s rather non existent :laughing: It simply has not happened yet, when it does it will be now. How amazing that the biggest planner of them all can no longer even see ‘his future’ 10 minutes ahead. And what a joy to actually discover each moment again.

I’ll end with a quote from Richards Journal :

At this moment the park is but a faded memory and my residence a vague intention. Only this moment actually exists, for there is no lasting ‘I’ present which would make the past and future real The freedom from enduring over a time known as the past, the present and the future, leaves one completely able to appreciate the impeccable purity of being here now. This appreciation is evidenced by being alive right here and just now as apperceptive awareness, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself.

Indeed naïveté is the precursor to actual innocence.

1 Like
1314

Cheers. I suppose I needed to discover “I don’t know and that’s OK” to start to contemplate “I wonder what IS happening?”

A precursor to a precursor, if you will🥹

The other thing which was significant, was discovering that the immense guilt I felt in relation to the death of my daughter, my father, my brother, then my other brother was this;

Guilt is a lot easier to feel, than powerlessness.

That no matter what I had done, I was never in control of the human/animal condition.

I was then, and remain, powerless to save, or change others.

It may be useful to others to explain that further, but for me, I am glad that there is a “space” in my feelings “below” guilt. Powerlessness.

I haven’t as yet realised the full importance of this. Together with seeing the doorway out of doing everything for “Love” , finding as you say “naïveté “ in this space is still to fully happen.

I, in my “best mood” which alcohol sometimes provides, a sort of playful thing which isn’t determined to be sad, but rather social, shared two of my songs that I wrote a long time ago with my mother. It was funny, as she didn’t understand them, and I was completely OK with that.

I had hidden these songs in “plain sight” as some sort of “cry”. Both published on a public place. One written when I was 16. One, when I was 30. Both about infatuation with a girl/woman.

Both are prophetic and spiritual.

I was glad to joke with her. This being that had given birth to me, who was unimpressed with them, but also amused by my playful state.

I have been, in my life, infatuated with women, God, and myself. A potent combination to say the least.

Grant, a long ago friend of Richard, once remarked that I was “a little too enamoured “ with my own insight. Ha, as only a wannabe enlightened man could comment.

He wasn’t wrong though.

1315

I’m not sure, I’m new to the forum even though I’ve seen it before but never felt any reason to start interacting here.

I’m curious how this will change over the coming weeks/months. My experience is that I have moments like this when I hear or read something and all of a sudden everything makes sense. It’s then easy to go in and put alot of weight meaning behind that only to see that the insight or understanding is no longer there even though I say and read the same thing. I’ve always attributed this to a release of something I’m attached to or hold on to.

When I can admit to myself that I am seeking approval (more than love maybe, even though love is also approval) then I’ve opened up a part of myself that was hiding this and I feel free. But that release will disappear later and I won’t get the same feeling of ease and effortlessness from it.

Not sure if this makes sense, but maybe there’s something there that does?

1316

Ah yes, the insights have a “high” which will wear off. Been here plenty of times.

What I am definitely enjoying is the “being OK with not knowing “ because it’s nothing to do with anything specific. It reads to Kuba as “naïveté “, which is cool by me.

So today, I was running through this precursor method, and I found it effective to create greater sensuousness be literally repeating the entire 3 part thought “under my breath”.

Something like “I am feeling OK about not knowing, and still I want to know how it is going in this.moment, knowing that for sure, each breath is not guaranteed, and how I can choose to enjoy it more?”

Basically, turning the decades of mental “self talk” into a narrative about the entire situation.

And in all of that, there is this emotional choice. A choice is being made. As apposed to somebein “applied”.

I am alive, and I am aware of it. I feel things, I am Sensing things. It only make sense to be choosing enjoyment. I could die right now. Choosing to enjoy this moment is what I am already doing.

Already doing is the thing which the feeling of “not knowing and feeling OK” is. Naïveté, I am told.

More to come.