Andrew

Journals
1309

Hi @JohnE ,

I don’t think we have “met”, but my memory isn’t the greatest for human interaction. Ha.

I am glad those comments rang a bell for you.

I have been reflecting a lot on them over the last few days. Specifically, how something so obvious, so completely obvious, could be in itself invisible to me, for the entire 12 plus years, I have been interested.

I am appreciative that Kuba could spot it and articulate it. Very much so! I bow to the Sensai! Haha.

However, it really got me on that deeper level of “shaking my head” at the absurdity of it. Thousands of hours, millions of words, and such as simple phrase “I am doing it to be loved” never occurred to me. Perhaps, somewhere someone said it to me. Certainly that topic is huge on the AFT, and as far as romantic love, that has been a solid topic over the years.

So, the “shaking my head” at this really got me contemplating what was missing in the whole “way” that I, and In fairness, thousands of others who have either bounced off, or barely stuck around in Actualism do “being interested and trying the method, et al”.

I am going to put it out there in something of a “crowd funded “ statement, I.e. feel free to build on it or whatever;

The power is in the completeness of an original and immediate apprehension of one’s being.

Otherwise said, and probably there are dozens of ways to say this;

The complete admission that “I don’t know” BUT that is completely OK, leading to the rejection of “thought out” or “parroting “ or “moralistic “ or “religious “ answers to the question “How Am I experiencing this moment of being alive?” In the context of “Enjoying and Appreciating is the only thing that makes sense” and that “I could die any second now”.

That is, when I consider that whole mental space, of not knowing what I obviously do not know, in the context of enjoying being “the ultimate “ and death’s immanence, then the “power” is in the determination to have, in that moment, a genuine apprehension of just what it is I am feeling that is in the way of, complete enjoyment and appreciation of being alive.

Before anyone thinks to act on the feeling that they are reading a version of Andrew that is somehow intellectually bypassing here, this is all an actual report of what is working.

That is, it’s better to go without any of the conversations, of the reading and thinking etc, if it’s not that moment of genuine apprehension of what it is that I am experiencing, in light of both what is sensible (enjoying) and what is factual, death immanence.

1310

So back to what Kuba pointed out, and why I was able to hear it.

There are two things I could talk about. The observation itself, “I did all of the to be Loved”, and arguably the more important topic of what I, or anyone could do to avoid 12 years of not seeing this, and what it could mean for the approach interested people take to Actualism as a whole.

I learnt a word perhaps 3 weeks ago which really “sat me on my ass” emotionally.

I haven’t looked up its dictionary meanings, but the word is “Aporia” and I was told it means the state of “not knowing “ which leads towards “ wonder”. I really should look it up, but I have zero f*cks to give about it lexical etymology, but rather the state I was told it means

“I don’t know, and that is OK”

Had I been able to say such a thing 12 years ago, this may have played out a lot differently.

That I obviously didn’t know, was mostly something I couldn’t accept, let alone be OK with.

That topic is the one which led me to be in the mental state to even read what Kuba wrote and emotionally know that it was true.

1311

So, the ongoing experience is, that “not knowing “ is OK. It’s the antidote to intellectualism driven by the need to “know”.

The further freedom is from the skill than Kuba displays and the insight that he articulated “I did it all to be Loved”.

So now I will talk about that.

Kuba, whether he meant to or not, capitalised “Love”.

That capital “L” sunk me.

I wanted to be Loved by God. Everyone; Richard , Vineeto, everyone I am talking too, is God. The ultimate source of Love. I can’t easily describe the spiritual aspect of this. God is Love, and it would take many Encyclopedic essays to describe what a psyche raised with this truth has experienced.

Maybe it’s something I will write about after I am free. That makes more sense to me now, than trying to explain it now. :sweat_smile::joy:

It has shaped everything I have ever done. Love. God. Interchangeable in my psyche.

I recall talking about this maybe 6 months ago. How I started talking to God again. Which is what brought me back to interacting here. Which is what drove me away from interacting here.

It was learning what “Aporia” is, at least the definition I was told, (yes, I looked it up, and no, it’s not what I was told).

“I don’t know, and that’s OK.”

Is there actually a word for this? Perhaps in another language?

It’s very important, at least for me. I finally experienced naivety and wonder because of it.

1312

To be frank, the “I don’t know and that’s OK” as a state of emotion, as a mental place of quiet, of an emotional place of calm, is just such a perfect “pointer” for me.

I looked up Aporia before the last post, and it sorta applies to the state, but not really.

I do wish that is really did mean “not knowing and that’s OK” .

I now understand why Richard searched for antiquated terms to resurrect.

Being emotionally OK in the intellectual state of not knowing, leads to a greater sensuousness.

I can vouch for that. It’s not “full blown” wide eyed wonder, yet.

But, as an “entry point “, saying “Aporia” to myself (with it’s special meaning) makes the clouds and trees, my emotions and thoughts, all that bit more bright, immanent and peaceful.

1313

Actually we already have a great word for such a state - naïveté :smile:

To be naive is the opposite of being sophisticated, and you have described well what a sophisticated intellect will get up to in the absence of actual knowing.

And this state of “I don’t know and that’s ok” is what sets the scene for a fascinated contemplation to reveal the actual facts of the matter. Such contemplation also opens the door to wonderment and amazement. Then it is more than just “I don’t know and that’s ok”, it can become “I don’t know and I am fascinated to discover”.

Richard has spoken about seminal questions which were asked in such a way as not to provide a thought out answer but rather leave one wondering and thus inviting actuality to reveal itself.

Isn’t it amazing when these things click experientially, for me too! Vineeto did recommend many times on this forum in the past year to experiment a little with living life without a plan, to be ok with not knowing what will happen etc.

It’s a fascinating topic for me too because I am discovering over and over lately that it’s not just this particular query around Love or my ecological BJJ training or what have you - It is that life itself is like this. I notice more and more how ‘I’ would twist ‘myself’ into a knot trying to create plans and systems and schemes and then to try to make life fit into those, but always failing.

And then I am discovering the fun, the delight, the freedom of living life in such a state - “I don’t know and I am fascinated to discover”. Richard has written that this particular moment has never happened before, there is no way to tell for sure in which way it will happen, how much more stimulated can one be?

And what we are talking about is in this very direction, and I find that it is not only safe and effective but also engaging and fun to live in this manner.

And then I think back to those questions I would be asked at school or an interview etc - Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Well right now I look into ‘the future’ and I notice it’s rather non existent :laughing: It simply has not happened yet, when it does it will be now. How amazing that the biggest planner of them all can no longer even see ‘his future’ 10 minutes ahead. And what a joy to actually discover each moment again.

I’ll end with a quote from Richards Journal :

At this moment the park is but a faded memory and my residence a vague intention. Only this moment actually exists, for there is no lasting ‘I’ present which would make the past and future real The freedom from enduring over a time known as the past, the present and the future, leaves one completely able to appreciate the impeccable purity of being here now. This appreciation is evidenced by being alive right here and just now as apperceptive awareness, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself.

Indeed naïveté is the precursor to actual innocence.

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1314

Cheers. I suppose I needed to discover “I don’t know and that’s OK” to start to contemplate “I wonder what IS happening?”

A precursor to a precursor, if you will🥹

The other thing which was significant, was discovering that the immense guilt I felt in relation to the death of my daughter, my father, my brother, then my other brother was this;

Guilt is a lot easier to feel, than powerlessness.

That no matter what I had done, I was never in control of the human/animal condition.

I was then, and remain, powerless to save, or change others.

It may be useful to others to explain that further, but for me, I am glad that there is a “space” in my feelings “below” guilt. Powerlessness.

I haven’t as yet realised the full importance of this. Together with seeing the doorway out of doing everything for “Love” , finding as you say “naïveté “ in this space is still to fully happen.

I, in my “best mood” which alcohol sometimes provides, a sort of playful thing which isn’t determined to be sad, but rather social, shared two of my songs that I wrote a long time ago with my mother. It was funny, as she didn’t understand them, and I was completely OK with that.

I had hidden these songs in “plain sight” as some sort of “cry”. Both published on a public place. One written when I was 16. One, when I was 30. Both about infatuation with a girl/woman.

Both are prophetic and spiritual.

I was glad to joke with her. This being that had given birth to me, who was unimpressed with them, but also amused by my playful state.

I have been, in my life, infatuated with women, God, and myself. A potent combination to say the least.

Grant, a long ago friend of Richard, once remarked that I was “a little too enamoured “ with my own insight. Ha, as only a wannabe enlightened man could comment.

He wasn’t wrong though.

1315

I’m not sure, I’m new to the forum even though I’ve seen it before but never felt any reason to start interacting here.

I’m curious how this will change over the coming weeks/months. My experience is that I have moments like this when I hear or read something and all of a sudden everything makes sense. It’s then easy to go in and put alot of weight meaning behind that only to see that the insight or understanding is no longer there even though I say and read the same thing. I’ve always attributed this to a release of something I’m attached to or hold on to.

When I can admit to myself that I am seeking approval (more than love maybe, even though love is also approval) then I’ve opened up a part of myself that was hiding this and I feel free. But that release will disappear later and I won’t get the same feeling of ease and effortlessness from it.

Not sure if this makes sense, but maybe there’s something there that does?

1316

Ah yes, the insights have a “high” which will wear off. Been here plenty of times.

What I am definitely enjoying is the “being OK with not knowing “ because it’s nothing to do with anything specific. It reads to Kuba as “naïveté “, which is cool by me.

So today, I was running through this precursor method, and I found it effective to create greater sensuousness be literally repeating the entire 3 part thought “under my breath”.

Something like “I am feeling OK about not knowing, and still I want to know how it is going in this.moment, knowing that for sure, each breath is not guaranteed, and how I can choose to enjoy it more?”

Basically, turning the decades of mental “self talk” into a narrative about the entire situation.

And in all of that, there is this emotional choice. A choice is being made. As apposed to somebein “applied”.

I am alive, and I am aware of it. I feel things, I am Sensing things. It only make sense to be choosing enjoyment. I could die right now. Choosing to enjoy this moment is what I am already doing.

Already doing is the thing which the feeling of “not knowing and feeling OK” is. Naïveté, I am told.

More to come.

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1317

Quitting smoking has been like a relationship breakup. Once the physical dependency is over, the rest is pure emotion and habit.

Moving on to quitting alcohol now. Hehe

2 Likes
1318

Thoughts from feeling out who ‘I’ am really.

I am the source of all the wars? This is such a swirling feeling, with a sickening depth to it.

It requires a “enlightened “ type of capacity. To swirl around that nauseating mind space.

No, I wasn’t drunk. I haven’t been drinking for a couple of weeks. Or smoking. Or nicotine patches, or anything other than cups of coffee.

I have been contemplating all the extra anger I feel. Like continuously angry, frustrated and bored.

Which is what lead me to contemplating such thoughts as “I am the Source of War”. In that god-view “I am that” sense.

I am God. Which is why my sacrifice is so important. It’s nothing for an individual to sacrifice themselves. We expect that as par for the course. Individuals sacrifice themselves all day long. But a God?

I am riffing on the thought for effect, but it’s actually that train of thought that let’s me bypass guilt and “feel” that swirling anger, that disgusting yet intimate “source “ of ‘I’.

1319

https://discuss.actualism.online/t/journal-de-henry/

Turns out, ‘I’ pre-date god!

The discussion with Vineeto about all the ingredients of god and religion essentially existing before any of the religions or belief systems happened, was both very freeing and fresh, but also surprisingly obviously the case!

So, ‘I’ have had all the aspects of what later where “codified “ in religious fear and guilt, love, compassion, sin, etc… long before anyone had imagined the first “handing down” of commandments or any such thing. Even before my favourite “bicameral “ people theory, all the passionate energy of ‘who’ I am “really “ ; blind nature’s rough and ready survival and reproduction “programs”, was there! Fully intact and in full flight!

It’s a remarkably freeing fresh feeling to know this is a fact. I feel it! I feel it in a very direct down to earth way,. It’s the same “flavour “ as my previous “one with god” illumination years, but without anything between the freshness and the knowing of it. When I have felt this before, it was in the context of new age, “I am god” imaginations et. al. There was that colouring of supernatural power is “around the corner “, and walking on water was inevitable.

This is just feeling the fact of ‘being’ ‘myself’. ‘I’ know what I am!’.

Me? I know who I am! I am a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude!

Simple. :joy:

1320

Andrew: Turns out, ‘I’ pre-date god!
The discussion with Vineeto about all the ingredients of god and religion essentially existing before any of the religions or belief systems happened, was both very freeing and fresh, but also surprisingly obviously the case!

Hi Andrew,

I am pleased it had this effect on you, and your opening line is quite correct – ‘I’ as the identity formed from the swirl of instinctual passions certainly pre-dates god.

Richard: As I understand it, in the on-going study of genetics the germ cells (the spermatozoa and the ova) have been classified as being of a somewhat different nature to body cells. This has led to speculation that each and every body is nothing but a carrier for the genetic lineage … that the species, therefore, is more important than you and me or any other body. Now, whilst that theory is just a typically ‘humble’ way of interpreting the data, it did strike me, some years ago, that this genetic memory could very well be the origin of the immortal ‘me’ at the core of ‘being’ (as contrasted to ‘I’ as ego who will undergo physical death). Hence it occurred to me that the source of ‘who ‘I’ really am’ could very well be nothing more mysterious than blind nature’s survival software.
I have always had a bent for the practical explanation … and solution. (Richard, AF List, Vineeto, 30 Sep 1999).

Richard: Speaking personally, in my investigations I first started by examining thought, thoughts and thinking … then very soon moved on to examining feelings (first the emotions and then the deeper feelings). When I dug down into these passions (into the core of ‘my’ being then into ‘being’ itself) I stumbled across the instincts … and found the origin of not only the affective faculty but the psyche itself. I found ‘me’ at the core of ‘being’ … which is the instinctual rudimentary animal self common to all sentient beings (which ‘original face’ is what gives rise to the feeling of ‘oneness’ with all other sentient beings). This is a very ancient genetic memory; being born of the biologically inherited instincts genetically encoded in the germ cells of the spermatozoa and the ova, ‘I’ am – genetically – umpteen tens of thousands of years old … ‘my’ origins are lost in the mists of pre-history. ‘I’ am so anciently old that ‘I’ may well have always existed … carried along on the reproductive cell-line, over countless millennia, from generation to generation. And ‘I’ am thus passed on into an inconceivably open-ended and hereditably transmissible future.
Hence: ‘I’ am ‘humanity’ and ‘humanity’ is ‘me’. (Richard, List B, No. 33a, 15 Oct 1999).

Andrew: So, ‘I’ have had all the aspects of what later were “codified” in religious fear and guilt, love, compassion, sin, etc… long before anyone had imagined the first “handing down” of commandments or any such thing. Even before my favourite “bicameral” people theory, all the passionate energy of ‘who’ I am “really”; blind nature’s rough and ready survival and reproduction “programs”, was there! Fully intact and in full flight!

I’ll butt in here before you go on and insert a feeling, and a fresh identity, into this remarkable insight. I suggest to linger a bit longer in this pre-identifying gap, if you can, and allow some further fascinated reflective contemplation regarding the ramifications and consequences of having been able to shed the wrath and grace of god, and ponder how you can enjoy and appreciate this freedom, and if it is worth to do whatever necessary to maintain such enjoyment of freedom.

Richard: One starts to feel ‘alive’. Being ‘alive’ is to be paying attention – exclusive attention – to this moment in time and this place in space. This attention becomes fascination … and fascination leads to reflective contemplation. Then – and only then – apperception can occur. An apperceptive awareness can be evoked by paying exclusive attention to being fully alive right now. This moment is your only moment of being alive … one is never alive at any other time than now. And, wherever you are, one is always here … even if you start walking over to ‘there’, along the way to ‘there’ you are always here … and when you arrive ‘there’, it too is here. Thus attention becomes a fascination with the fact that one is always here … and it is already now. Fascination leads to reflective contemplation. As one is already here, and it is always now … then one has arrived before one starts.
The potent combination of attention, fascination, reflection and contemplation produces apperception, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself. (Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive).

Andrew: It’s a remarkably freeing fresh feeling to know this is a fact. I feel it! I feel it in a very direct down-to-earth-way. It’s the same “flavour” as my previous “one with god” illumination years, but without anything between the freshness and the knowing of it. When I have felt this before, it was in the context of new age, “I am god” imaginations et. al. There was that colouring of supernatural power is “around the corner”, and walking on water was inevitable.
This is just feeling the fact of ‘being’ ‘myself’. ‘I’ know what I am!’.
Me? I know who I am! I am a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude!
Simple. (link)

Have you noticed, once you condensed the insight into a feeling and as such into a belief, and then collate it with those feelings of a familiar flavour, similar to previous affective experiences, that the original insight instantly loses its freshness and poignancy? You even conclude (erroneously) “just feeling the fact of ‘being’ ‘myself’. ‘I’ know what I am!’”

Now, a feeling can never be a fact as a feeling cannot experience, let alone know, “what I am”. What you are is the flesh-and-blood body only, as experienced when the ‘self’ is temporarily in abeyance. Whereas the feeling “of ‘being’ ‘myself’” is a passionate feeling born of the instinctual passions – and it not only changes according to your fluctuating moods but, as you already discovered, can also be changed by choice for your benefit and the benefit of those around you.

Now that you determined (believe) that you are “a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude” – what are you going to do with this feeling? Do you want to live like those ‘dudes’ in the video you attached (Yuri Wong “I am a Dude”), driven by passion, or perhaps be inspired by a more happy and friendly way of life? Such as –

Richard: It is all so simple, in the actual world; no effort is needed to meet the requisite morality of society. I have no ‘dark nature’, no unconscious impulses to curb, to control, to restrain. It is all so easy, in the actual world; I can take no credit for my apparently virtuous behaviour because actual freedom automatically provides beneficial thoughts and deeds. It is all so spontaneous, in the actual world; I do not do it … it does itself. Vanity, egoism, selfishness … all self-centred activity has ceased to operate when ‘I’ and ‘me’ as ‘being’ ceased to ‘be’. And it is all so peaceful, in the actual world; it is only in actualism that human beings can have peace-on-earth without toiling fruitlessly to be ‘good’. The answer to everything that has puzzled humankind for all of human history is readily elucidated when one is actually free. The ‘Mystery of Life’ has been penetrated and laid open for all those with the eyes to see. Life was meant to be easy. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Mark, #peaceful)

Cheers Vineeto

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Chrono's Journal
1321

Hi @Vineeto , by this does Richard mean the feeling of being an immortal soul comes from the fact that the germ cells have carried forward from the origin of life? And there is a feeling of endless continuity vecause of that?

Cheers

Ian

1322

Vineeto to Andrew:
Richard: As I understand it, in the on-going study of genetics the germ cells (the spermatozoa and the ova) have been classified as being of a somewhat different nature to body cells. This has led to speculation that each and every body is nothing but a carrier for the genetic lineage … that the species, therefore, is more important than you and me or any other body. Now, whilst that theory is just a typically ‘humble’ way of interpreting the data, it did strike me, some years ago, that this genetic memory could very well be the origin of the immortal ‘me’ at the core of ‘being’ (as contrasted to ‘I’ as ego who will undergo physical death). Hence it occurred to me that the source of ‘who ‘I’ really am’ could very well be nothing more mysterious than blind nature’s survival software.
I have always had a bent for the practical explanation … and solution. [Emphasis by Ian]. (Richard, AF List, Vineeto, 30 Sep 1999).

Richard: Speaking personally, in my investigations I first started by examining thought, thoughts and thinking … then very soon moved on to examining feelings (first the emotions and then the deeper feelings). When I dug down into these passions (into the core of ‘my’ being then into ‘being’ itself) I stumbled across the instincts … and found the origin of not only the affective faculty but the psyche itself. I found ‘me’ at the core of ‘being’ … which is the instinctual rudimentary animal self common to all sentient beings (which ‘original face’ is what gives rise to the feeling of ‘oneness’ with all other sentient beings). This is a very ancient genetic memory; being born of the biologically inherited instincts genetically encoded in the germ cells of the spermatozoa and the ova, ‘I’ am – genetically – umpteen tens of thousands of years old … ‘my’ origins are lost in the mists of pre-history. ‘I’ am so anciently old that ‘I’ may well have always existed … carried along on the reproductive cell-line, over countless millennia, from generation to generation. And ‘I’ am thus passed on into an inconceivably open-ended and hereditably transmissible future. Hence: ‘I’ am ‘humanity’ and ‘humanity’ is ‘me’. (Richard, List B, No. 33a, 15 Oct 1999).

Ian: Hi Vineeto, by this does Richard mean the feeling of being an immortal soul comes from the fact that the germ cells have carried forward from the origin of life? And there is a feeling of endless continuity because of that?
Cheers
Ian (link)

Hi Ian,

I left in the whole quotes for context and highlighted the part that was in your question.

Yes, basically you got it right.

I will just point out the difference between what is fact-based and what is feeling-based.

What Richard says it that “‘me’ at the core of ‘being’” is genetically anciently old and hence the feeling one has, the deeper one probes into the core of one’s psyche, that ‘me’ has always existed and will always exist. Therefore, those who probed deeply into their psyche, ended up enlightened – until Richard managed in October 1992 to poke a hole into this ‘glass-ceiling’ via ‘self’-immolation of the psyche itself. I found the history of the dismantling of ‘his’ (aggrandised) psyche a fascinating read. (link)

Fact is that “germ cells have carried forward” the instinctual programming. The deep-seated “feeling of endless continuity” is how the individual psyche emotionally interprets/ feels this chain of umpteen of thousands of years old ongoing genetic event (when psychically connecting with all psyches that ever were and ever will be as in a psychic web through space and time, also called the apotheosised field of consciousness). This, of course, is not a fact, but originates in the passionate and imaginary faculty of the soul.

As such ‘I’ am psychically connected with all feeling beings as long as ‘I’ (and ‘me’) exist. Hence, ‘I’ am humanity and humanity is ‘me’.

Glad to see you chat again.

Cheers Vineeto

PS. Today an inquisitive striated heron (link) walked into my parlour, through a narrow gap in the glass doors at the stern of the boat. I only noticed it when it was already in the middle of the room near my feet. But once I got up to open the doors wide it became distressed, and tried to escape by a closed window but could eventually be steered out and gladly flew into the wide open space.

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1323

Indeed, I can heed these words quite willingly. I am very much enjoying some of the ramifications. For one, driven the freeway each morning and night is usually a huge annoyance. However, being as you say, a feeling and not a fact, (I will remember this, very useful and easy to remember) I see other drivers just doing what any person driven by the exact same blind program will do, variations on a theme, and actually amazing that we all get where we are going, the vast majority of time.

It was so much easier to see my own anger, and it all be pre-morality. All happening before morality was even a thing, in the modern sense. I felt it is a lightweight manner, as the feeling and the knowledge where immediate. I wasn’t trying to “not be angry “, I was angry, but was not exploding because I was not repressed. It was definitely the beginning of fascination. It was interesting. Feeling myself, watching others.

It seems all so much easier .

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1324

Vineeto: I’ll butt in here before you go on and insert a feeling, and a fresh identity, into this remarkable insight. I suggest to linger a bit longer in this pre-identifying gap, if you can, and allow some further fascinated reflective contemplation regarding the ramifications and consequences of having been able to shed the wrath and grace of god, and ponder how you can enjoy and appreciate this freedom, and if it is worth to do whatever necessary to maintain such enjoyment of freedom.

Andrew: Indeed, I can heed these words quite willingly. I am very much enjoying some of the ramifications. For one, driven the freeway each morning and night is usually a huge annoyance. However, being as you say, a feeling and not a fact, (I will remember this, very useful and easy to remember). I see other drivers just doing what any person driven by the exact same blind program will do, variations on a theme, and actually amazing that we all get where we are going, the vast majority of time.
It was so much easier to see my own anger, and it all be pre-morality. All happening before morality was even a thing, in the modern sense. I felt it is a lightweight manner, as the feeling and the knowledge were immediate. I wasn’t trying to “not be angry “, I was angry, but was not exploding because I was not repressed. It was definitely the beginning of fascination. It was interesting. Feeling myself, watching others.

Hi Andrew,

Yes, it is generally “morality” incorporated into one’s own identity and the accompanying self-image which stands in the way of acknowledging the feeling which is happening. But once “the feeling and the knowledge were immediate” and you know that this is ‘me’ in action, then it is easy to choose to be in a more pleasant and harmonious manner – voilà, you are instantly more happy and harmless. And thus there is room for fascination and contemplation. Life is amazingly fascinating when ‘I’ don’t insist of having an emotional opinion/ reaction to everything that is happening.

That’s why I ‘butted in’ before you proceeded (in the last message) to make “a fresh identity” which would consolidate whatever you feel into a substantial (seriously important) event demanding protection and defence of this freshly created identity.

Here it is explained more fully –

Richard: The actualism method – enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive – that was first put into action in 1981 is a potent method specifically aimed at experiencing a condition of uninterrupted apperception … which means that the peace-on-earth that is already always here – now – will become apparent.
When one first becomes aware of something there is a fleeting instant of pure perception of sensum, just before one affectively identifies with all the feeling memories associated with its qualia (the qualities pertaining to the properties of the form) and also before one cognitively recognises the percept (the mental product or result of perception), and this ‘raw sense-datum’ stage of sensational perception is a direct experience of the actual. Pure perception is at that instant where one converges one’s eyes or ears or nose or tongue or skin on the thing. It is that moment just before one focuses one’s feeling-memory on the object. It is the split-second just as one hedonically subjectifies it … which is just prior to clamping down on it viscerally and segregating it from pure, conscious existence. Pure perception takes place sensitively just before one starts feeling the percept – and thus thinking about it affectively – which takes place just before one’s feeling-fed mind says: ‘It’s a man’ or: ‘It’s a woman’ or: ‘It’s a steak-burger’ or: ‘It’s a tofu-burger’ … with all that is implied in this identification and the ramifications that stem from that. This fluid, soft-focused moment of bare awareness, which is not learned, has never been learned, and never will be learned, could be called an aesthetically sensual regardfulness or a consummate sensorial discernibleness or an exquisitely sensuous distinguishment … in a word: apperceptiveness.
In that brief scintillating instant of bare awareness, that twinkling sensorium-moment of consciousness being conscious of being consciousness, one apperceives a thing as a nothing-in-particular that is being naught but what-it-is coming from nowhen and going nowhere at all. Apperceptiveness is very much like what one sees with one’s peripheral vision as opposed to the intent focus of normal or central vision. One experiences a smoothly flowing moment of clear experiencing where one is interlocked with the rest of actuality, not separate from it. This moment of soft, ungathered sensuosity – apperceptiveness – contains a vast understanding, an utter cognisance, that is lost as soon as one adjusts one’s mind to accommodate the feeling-tone … and subverts the crystal-clear objectivity into an ontological ‘being’ … a connotative ‘thing-in-itself’. (Attentiveness, Sensuousness, Apperceptiveness)

Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ never paid much attention to this article, ‘she’ found it too dense, but now I can see how much information it contains for understanding and achieving apperceptiveness right from the beginning. I am reminded of Peter talking about looking from the front of one’s eyeballs.

Peter: Something Richard said that I found useful was to practice bringing my visual awareness to the very front of the eyeballs. I found this is the best ‘I’ can do to mimic ‘self’-less seeing – there is less of the feeling of ‘me’ looking through the eyes and more of the feeling of the eyes seeing. In this way you also avoid the risk of becoming ‘the observer’ watching ‘the observed’, but more closely mimic what you actually are – the universe sensately experiencing itself as a thinking and reflective corporeal human being. (Actualism, Peter, AF List, No. 52, 22.9.2003).

Andrew: It seems all so much easier. (link)

It is indeed “much easier” and a marvellous way of living naïvely. This is wonderful.

Cheers Vineeto

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Thanks Vineeto,

It’s been great having an experience that can indeed be related back to that article!

It was a favourite article back when I first was introduced to Actualism by the Dharma Overground forum.

I have had the ongoing feeling that the entire background has changed. Twice, there was a ever so slight shift in perception, just upon realising something fresh with this new knowledge of ‘I’ preceding the entire mess of religion.

The sky sort of blinked a slightly different colour today when walking to get some lunch. And also, this morning whilst watching cars “cut in” front of me, there was a definite sense of choice happening and a slight shift in perception.

Almost like neither happened, but the feeling was as if ‘I’ could shift altogether out into the world.

The choice to feel good isn’t always obvious though. That seems that I need to sort out some logistics in my life. Practical things in my living space, as they are an ever present excuse to feel frustrated.

I will read that Apperception article again.

Thanks

Andrew

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Andrew: Thanks Vineeto,
It’s been great having an experience that can indeed be related back to that article!
It was a favourite article back when I first was introduced to Actualism by the Dharma Overground forum.
I have had the ongoing feeling that the entire background has changed. Twice, there was an ever so slight shift in perception, just upon realising something fresh with this new knowledge of ‘I’ preceding the entire mess of religion.
The sky sort of blinked a slightly different colour today when walking to get some lunch. And also, this morning whilst watching cars “cut in” front of me, there was a definite sense of choice happening and a slight shift in perception.
Almost like neither happened, but the feeling was as if ‘I’ could shift altogether out into the world.

Hi Andrew,

This is excellent and I am pleased you had a different experience to the article than you had years ago when you were still reading it from the DhO-paradigm. Pay attention to that “ever so slight shift in perception” because this is the beginning to your experiential understanding of what actualism is – doing whatever you can to imitate the actual world. And having discovered the “definite sense of choice happening” is your guide to change feeling bad, for whatever reason, into feeling good and enjoying and appreciating being here in this only moment you can experience being alive.

Then you can begin to also apply this “sense of choice” to minimise the ‘good feelings’ as well –

Richard: “the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting), along with the hostile and invidious emotions and passions (those that are hateful and fearful)” “so that one is free to feel the felicitous and innocuous feelings (those that are delightful and harmonious) and thereby make a pure consciousness experience (PCE) more likely”. (Richard, AF List, Jonathan, 4 Jan 2006).

Andrew: The choice to feel good isn’t always obvious though. That seems that I need to sort out some logistics in my life. Practical things in my living space, as they are an ever-present excuse to feel frustrated.

When the choice to feel good is not obvious, there may be some good feelings as well as some valued beliefs you don’t want to give up and/or, as you say, some required action in regard to “sort out some logistics in my life” which you might have so far shied away from.

In any case, this new “ever so slight shift in perception” which now gives you a “definite sense of choice happening” is an opening to change your life for the better.

Andrew: I will read that Apperception article again.
Thanks
Andrew (link)

It is a pleasure to read your feedback. It bodes well for imminent beneficial changes for increasing feeling good.

Cheers Vineeto

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I don’t like the feeling of being better than others. I want everyone to be special, and to enjoy that. I don’t like people being left behind. I don’t enjoy being infatuated, but to be honest, I do enjoy people being infatuated with me, for a moment at least, because then it’s in my power to be nice to them. To enjoy their blind desire towards me.

I am only thinking of a single person when I wrote that last part! Haha

Edit: no, I just experienced really strongly once. I do get it day to day. I like being nice to people who ‘desire’ me, because usually I see them feeling they need me somehow.

Musing aside, I realise that I am perpetually stuck on a single issue.

It’s related to the above musings, but more towards how I can’t motivate myself anymore. I don’t have any answers for this central issue of motivation.

In context, everything that motivated me was , as Vineeto touched on, a fight or flight, eat or be eaten, reproduce and survive type of life.

Even my precious music!

All of it.

In other news, there has been far more moments of just being a human, “pre-religion” in the last few weeks.

I really wanted to ask a question, but I forgot what it was I wanted to know as soon as I started typing.

Asking others for help has always been a huge problem for me. I feel I should be helping everyone else, but I just don’t have anything to give anymore.

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I guess I can do better than that.

The last few weeks, after Vineeto pointed out that all me religious fears were essentially the “eat or be eaten” fears of blind nature, I had the experience of “popping out” the other side of the bulbous growth that religious belief is in my life.

Like some vine infected along its length with a parasite, all that heightened dramatic and complex Dante’s circles of hell, was seen as an inflammatory response.

My question is; how does one care enough about oneself to do anything about one’s happiness?

Edit; I really can’t remember if that was the question, It’s very weird what happens as soon as I go to type here, I loose whatever clarity I had.

Very frustrating.

It’s something about how I can completely want someone else to be free, I really hate seeing people suffering, but when it comes to me, I would easily just kill myself.

I am not suicidal, or contemplating killing myself. It’s just the feeling that anything that could move me to be in a place where my happiness matters, is a courage I don’t have.

In the moment. I can’t shift towards this type of happiness, or naïveté, or even get a step towards it.

It’s been nothing more that a good feeling attached to a realisation. That’s all. 12 years of that being the pinnacle.

Haha. I was watching the cursor blink and remembered talking my Russian girlfriend into staying in our relationship after starting the message with “I am watching the cursor blink…”

If only I was so passionately inclined into talking myself into what is I am involved in discussing here!

I would have done it years ago!! Haha