In other news, I went on a date with a psychologist. It’s interesting how I can morph from relating to materialists, to spiritualists, to humanists.
The question is of course, who the heck am I?
Hardly an “actualist”. More a sub-cult of actualism; a groupie actualist.
What makes you not an actualist?
I’ll reserve that title for when I have a PCE.
"An actualist is someone who is actively, intently, stubbornly, full bloodedly, whole-heartedly and totally consumed in the pursuit of an individual actual freedom from the Human Condition. An actualist is concerned with action not advocacy, and with practical implementation and radical change, not theoretical observation and superficial adaptation.
An actualist is a relentless pursuer of what is factual and what is actual.
An actualist is one who devotes his or her life to actualizing peace on earth in the only way possible and gets to have the adventure of a lifetime on the way."
But of course it’s up to you what labels you choose to affix to yourself 
Casual Actualist, retired.
Dating has knocked me sideways actually.
I am completely empty of any hope.
It’s like everything I ever saw or learnt disappeared.
At the very least, I go to the gym.
It feels like I have all this responsibility, without any reward.
That I must continue on existing, because to not be here would be so selfish.
I carefully avoid expressing anger at those who desperately need to have their world destroyed.
I lamented months back that I am the “tip of the iceberg”, just another of the Seething Masses.
Looks like plenty of stuff to explore here!
Luckily there is no hope required in actualism, can you find and walk the third alternative to either hope or despair?
Is this ‘who’ you are? The one who is somehow obligated to provide, to save, to be responsible for others etc Is this where ‘your’ purpose lies? Hence the feeling of hopelessness when there is no longer a need/ability for you to provide? Can you see how this role is intrinsically self-deprecating?
Can you see that all this has been taken on? These roles that you feel are your very purpose in life. Can you contemplate that there is so much more to what you are beyond these roles? Do you dare to find wayyy more to life than merely saving others?
Hmm, I would like to think that my motivation is something as selfless as that.
It seems to be more that I can’t let others help me. Something like what you are saying, as it seems that the identity is that, but the real issue is I am scared all the time.
I’ve been reflecting on what draws me to value the relationship I had with the recent ex. There was a lot of rejecting going on. To be fair, it was roughly mutual. In very different ways, but still rejection.
I think it is something that I need to remain me. To put myself in a position I can reject, but also be rejected.
I am trying to be level headed in my thoughts about it. Because I have done my share of rejecting.
In happy news, I was lamenting life on the couch, and a friend rang me up. I had a great chat with him about where I am at. It means a lot.
Indeed, it means a lot to have yourself and others respond to my posts.
I imagine that I should be better than who I am.
Chatting with my friend, he encouraged me just to enjoy dating and getting to know people.
I think it’s definitely something close to what you are saying, a very strong identification with having to be something for everyone else.
It feels like I am mixed up. That there is a selfishness which some can navigate, which I can’t. I do feel responsible for others at the expense of myself.
It’s murky stuff.
Thanks for the encouragement.
At the moment, it seems that going to the gym is the most sensible thing. To improve my health.
Is this referring to saving others? If so it may be good to look into this because this is a dead end. To have one’s purpose in life to save others is just the religious/spiritual viewpoint again. This is what Richard was investigating so heavily, why did he find himself on an odyssey to be the latest saviour of humanity and why this was a dead end.
Yes you cannot let others help you because you have already decided to accept second place, to help others but to forever remain imperfect yourself. In short you have decided to be a martyr.
Yes this is more of the same worldview, that looking after yourself means - selfishness and self-deprecating yourself so that you can fulfil the role of saviour is selfless. I guess in the real world terms those things are correct, but there is more to be seen here.
The reason I wanted to write and also why I am writing with a fair bit of confidence even though I am not in your head is that I notice in you something similar to what I notice in my mum (of course I realise a lot of this might be off somewhat). It seems some mixture of being a parent and also taking on saving others as a virtue and as ones purpose in life, equally there is a putting down of yourself, these go hand in hand.
This role is very limiting to your own well being and actually in the end it does nothing to assist others in eliminating their own suffering. Because if you cannot demonstrate that you have eliminated your own sorrow and malice how can you ever assist others? Being a martyr is to perpetuate suffering.
@Andrew It helped me when I saw that I was psychologically needy (who I am) The body itself (what I am) doesn’t need others and this and that to be happy.
Yes, I think you have nailed it.
I hadn’t thought that at all.
I can see that martyrdom myself, mixed with the malice and sorrow.
It reminds me that I have been noticing how I just can’t care, like it’s all so forced.
But it’s me I don’t care about. Which is why I feel anger towards others, especially the women I had committed myself too.
Which is why this whole dating thing has really put a stick in my spokes.
Or, as Richard would probably say, I am actually just starting when I try to have a relationship.
I feel betrayed before anything can start.
Yet, this makes sense, because I already betrayed myself.
Ok, so now we have established I am your mum, when are you going to give me grandkids??
Actually, I just was messaged by a women whom I had a brief relationship with. Probably the naturally happiest person I ever met.
She recently had a baby.
Whilst texting (she is in Sri Lanka), I was noticing and thinking about this topic of who I am to people.
It struck me that I am someone to her just because I exist, that I am who I am, and was the best I could manage when we were together.
She sent photos of her son. She otherwise values that I still exist.
The same with the mate who rang earlier.
I don’t have to save either one. I just exist and do my thing, and say whatever, and they like that I exist.
There is definitely something that spirals around in a very pessimistic way. That I just can’t let the world sometimes be a naturally happy place.
Always looking for weakness. For “what is really going on”
What if I took everything at face value? Said whatever I think needs saying, without that guilt of taking on others feelings?
I do do that. A lot!!!
Hmmmm…
Yes, yes, yes!
That is it!
I feel responsible to somehow be an actualist when talking about actualism with women.
I have been told a few times, in the 17 year marriage, and in the 3 committed relationships after that, something to the tune of “you prove it!”.
That is, the interplay of my own religious drama, other rejection dramas, Sexual drama, and a lot more, has congealed into this mess.
I need friends. I need a partner who is able to talk and generally explore.
It’s a very weird swirling set of thoughts and feelings.
I really just want to let me guard down. I mean, the relationships all failed anyway. It’s not like I have anything to lose.
I’ll give you the same answer I gave my mum. It’s not happening, soz 
Yeah I have had similar experiences, it can be scary to peel back this role because there is a fear that I will be ostracised and left behind by all. That without anything to offer I will be invisible, but what I actually find is that people like me end of haha. This is what I mean about daring to peel back the role and see that there is so much more.
Ah, right.
Yes, I get it.
I think.
Hmmmm. As I feel it out, there seems to be a core of rejection.
Like I am trying to protect others from it, but otherwise it comes out anyway.
That’s the feeling. I am unfamiliar with what this is. Sorta a draining thing. It takes so much effort to keep it at bay.
Hmmmm.
Time to try out our new trick and really feel it.
I haven’t felt a feeling like a ball in my solar plexus for a very long time.
Yeah it can be quite a ride, what I noticed lately is the times where things shifted the most towards clarity and ease were directly following the times where I was able to ‘go for it’, in terms of experiencing those very real and very intense emotions and really exploring them fully.
This is a very sensible thing to do…Richard said something like “Do whatever you know to activate delight…”…Geoffrey also said in the legendary zoom video call “A better use of my time is to go for a walk…”…Personally, I also find that sometimes I just need to do some activities otherwise the feels train keeps looping in on itself non stop
Btw this also reminds me of this popular meme circulating among men … but heck why not…seems like a good plan to me !
