Andrew

[Miguel]

(I take advantage of the fact that @Andrew is sleeping to hack his diary )

You mean that in Polish there is also the difficult and rare sound of “multiple r” or “strong r” of Spanish? Like this one: HOW TO ROLL "R" IN POLISH // ItsEwelina - YouTube?

If it’s the same sound I had trouble pronouncing it too when I was a kid, but it was enough going to a speech therapist. I still remember some of the exercises/tongue twisters aimed at improving it! Like:

“Erre con erre guitarra,
erre con erre barril,
rapido ruedan las ruedas del ferrocarril”

(“Erre con erre guitar,
erre con erre barrel,
fast the wheels of the railroad roll”)

This is what a similar version sounds like: Tongue Twister erre con erre - YouTube

[Kub933]

Yes that’s exactly the one! That’s interesting, I often wondered if I could correct this at my age but never really bothered because I don’t need it in English

[Kub933]

Just listened to the tongue twister, man I would be doomed if I moved to Spain!

[Andrew]

Say no more.

[Andrew]

So, last night I was sensible and stayed indoors. Drank orange juice and whiskey, watched a movie.

Had an interesting time delving into doubt and despair. The question of “why?” spiralling around.

Then I started to think a very interesting thought.

What if ‘i’ am quite simply ‘humanity’. ‘i’ am ‘you’ , and every ‘one’. I am the perpetrators and the victims and everyone in-between.

But why?

Well, what if I don’t really want to know the answer?

What if I don’t like the answer?

What if, like being born in an individual life, with self awareness gradually dawning on me after 18 months. ‘i’ am ‘that’ which self awareness slowly dawned on. Same same.

The movie I watched was called “Predestination”.

The main character is both her/his own mother and father, a time travelling detective stopping a bomber who is , yep, also him/herself.

‘i’ was that brutal tyrant, the vicious rapist and child abuser etc, whilst ‘i’ was also the starving and abused masses, and the discarded victims in the gutter.

Does this answer “why?”. Strangely, it actually does. Do I like it?

If ‘i’ am ‘humanity’, all that suffering I lament was ‘me’ doing it to ‘myself’.

‘humanity’. What if there is truly only ‘one’?

It truly does mean it has always been up to ‘me’.

I woke up this morning feeling good.

[Andrew]

This entire journey is really a case of;

“Stop hitting yourself”.

[Andrew]

The implications are enormous.

The Glamour, Glitz and Glory are also ‘me’ venerating ‘me’.

‘I’ want to be a real boy!

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

I’m both the one perpetrating cruelties out of selfish desire, and the one saying “bad boy!”

[Andrew]

Richard talks about licentiousness in one of the taped dialogues.

We remain ‘selves’ because we can justify anything.

Like I saw the other night, “right & wrong” all depend on how I am feeling.

[Andrew]

@claudiu

For the most part, the only reason to ‘hide’ an aspect of yourself is from fear of how the other person will react. Men always remark about how women are ‘perceptive’ and can sniff these things out… I think it simply comes down to being invested and interested in intimacy, which women are more stereotypically prone to do, while men are more stereotypically withdrawn. Be that as it may, when being intimate with someone, part of that is getting to know them intricately, and it becomes easy to spot inconsistencies.

Being evasive (as opposed to forthright) is certainly going to mar and put a stopper on intimacy fully flourishing.

Likewise it is a highly desirable trait when somebody - and this is not exclusive to actualists - knows what they want, do not feel bad about wanting what they want, and do not impose any will or requirements on others to fulfill what they want. This is a self-sustaining person, standing on their own, without sticky dependent binds reaching out and ensnaring people around them. This is a person that it is much easier to be yourself around, and therefore much easier to have fun with.

Some people won’t want this in a partner - they want someone they can control, or they want somebody that ‘needs’ them so they feel needed, etc… this is a person that will not want a relationship with an actualist. And it would be silly for an actualist to pursue a relationship with such a person. But there will be those people that do want this, very much, in a partner… and those people, whether they are actualists or not, will likely enjoy and appreciate being in a relationship with an actualist.

Why try to have insights when I could have just read carefully?

[Andrew]

R: A realisation is not always a fact; realisations can be a stepping-stone to evince a fact. A person has an existing mind-set and a realisation is a way of fitting whatever we discuss into that real-world paradigm.

Q(1): Yes, I can’t go beyond that at each step.

R: Given the grip that the pre-existing mind-set has on one’s reality, a realisation is a way of accommodating a new concept. Then maybe a week, a fortnight or a month later a practical actualisation occurs and that particular realisation has been the preparation ground for that consummation to happen. The realisation creates a preparedness in the old mind-set to receive the actuality.

One of the biggest worries is that one will lose all sense of direction and become like a leaf blowing in the wind."

[Andrew]

@Andrew

A person has an existing mind-set and a realisation is a way of fitting whatever we discuss into that real-world paradigm.

Personality change.

I keep hanging on to a version of myself, and not changing.

For example, general enthusiasm for doing things. I remain generally not enthusiastic for doing things.

So, realisations are a way of fitting new information into an existing mind-set.

They won’t change me.

I have to change me.

[Andrew]

@Andrew

a practical actualisation occurs and that particular realisation has been the preparation ground for that consummation to happen

I.e. Actions.

[Andrew]

@Andrew

general enthusiasm

Mission accepted.

[Andrew]

Don’t blame the victims. Don’t reveal in the victors.

A virus currently infects this body. 3 weeks now.

A virus, if Fred Hoyle is correct, began me, and anytime it could end me.

10 seconds.

It’s all we ever had. The gap between our heart ceasing to beat and blackout, forever.

How is your moment of being alive going?

[Andrew]

You have 10 seconds to answer.

[Andrew]

For the record, I reread every single post in this journal.

I have immense respect for many, if not all, here.

What puzzles me is why any of this should be so hard.

I wished, and did everything I could to have that one beside me on this journey.

I failed.

Srid is a soul precious to me, assuming he is still alive. Along with Alan. I knew them somehow.

I was them. I am them.

Sickness stalks all.

My father was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer when I was 17. It’s actually amazing how much he did for me. He separated himself from the family for our benefit. He knew long before the sickness, that ‘he’ was sick.

Heroes don’t always have a story. They die in whatever way they do. As Jon said, give them a break. They are playing the game they believe they can win. Sometimes that game was for our benefit. Altruism.

Do you win?

Your silence is deafening.

Is my insolence offensive?

One choose the ‘safe’ path, and condemn billions to suffer.

It’s obviously more than Ok. Nothing ever depends on us. We have the opportunity to be remarkable.

[Shashank]

Hey @Andrew … I guess you could check into a clinic or a hospital ? A few months back, I had a severe case of diarrhoea with a fever that touched 102 and there was no sign of recovery for a while…was kinda half dead like, so checked into a hospital…they ran all the tests n took good care of me with all the stuff they do…

Take a good rest n speedy recovery to you !

[Andrew]

Thanks @Shashank

I am sorry, I haven’t slept probably in days and getting drunk is the only thing that stops the coughing. I went too far.

It was my fault. It’s a cold, but I still kept going out.

I think 3 years of not getting a cold has left me with weak immunity.

[Andrew]

How am I feeling about the actual world now?