Andrew

Journals
583

This seeing as a fact that blind nature exists, and the premise that ‘I’ am that same blind nature, and all the implications of this, coupled with the reports of actually free people writing that “nothing is missing”.

I am jumping out of my skin.

It’s the same type of feeling, but better, as when I was looking at the clouds the other day and wondered “what else have I been missing out on?”

The bee lands on a piece of fabric which it see emitting the correct wavelengths of light as a flower would. It just does as it’s blind nature instinct and programming impells it to do.

It’s clumsy though. Moths dying in light shades. Deer caught in the headlights.

Certainly nothing is lost if intelligence is given free reign from it’s clumsy captor.

One could stop blindly bumbling* through life.

*Bee pun!!:yum:

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584

From my notes a few days back;

Richard: “It is incumbent upon one to stand fast, as a flesh and blood body only, without moving in any direction at all … and be what-one-is. Only in this manner will the instincts reveal themselves for what they are. ‘I’ will be laid open and the core of ‘me’ will be revealed for the blind and instinctual ‘being’ that ‘I’ am. <…>”

Me a few days ago:

And so I am left feeling a loser. That I only choose this actual freedom because I can’t win the game.

Which, when I think further is an absolute pile of vile sewage. I was never equipped to win the game. Now, if I were so equipt, and still chose actual freedom, then one may make a hero out of me. It’s because I have no choice that I denigrate myself.

Yet am I not the very instinctual package which equipt me? For millions of years I had the chance to birth perfection yet I failed to do so in this being. What a rotten thing for me to do to myself. Fail to equip, then heap condemnation on myself for quitting a game I rigged against me.

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585

I’m enjoying reading your recent posts @Andrew, they are helping me see things clearer too!

2 things that I thought reading your above posts :

This isn’t me being tricky but have you attempted actually seeing that ‘you’ are that blind nature as opposed to just taking it as a premise? There could be a big difference here between taking it as a premise and then finding this out for yourself.

If ‘I’ am blind nature then what makes me think the ‘game’ that I am trying to win is built intelligently enough to have actual winners and loosers? Is the ‘game’ not equally blind?

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586

I am glad😊

Definitely, I think it will take a little time to sink in. I can intellectually see it, and certainly have acted blindly. Today was “weed appreciation day” . Just looking at how things are growing without some grand design. I was always so opposed to myself that there is a peaceful feeling about this. That blind nature isn’t the enemy. There isn’t an enemy really. I am optimistic that something will “click” soon. I spent my whole life fighting my own nature.

Yes, good point. It seems to have those but what is winning and losing in a blind game?

In a way, if reproduction is winning, then I “won” already. If survival is winning, then I “win” because I am still alive.

It’s the prizes imagined in the other areas of ‘me’ that arise out of blind nature into the glamour, glitz and glory. The promise that blind nature’s imperatives can be immortal.

Perhaps.

Still shaking this cold. Throat is sore and I am feeling lazy.

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587

Actually, the biggest change for me is that I am progressing without a PCE or pure intent.

Not that I don’t want both, and not that perhaps both are operating outside my experience either.

But that a determination and ironclad commitment are bearing fruit.

588

I saw more clearly today that I am indeed a self formed out of a blind nature instinctual package, conditioned by family and society to fulfill a role at odds with the best interests of this body.

It didn’t take anything spectacular to realise it.

I went for a walk and before I had even locked the door the salient question was in my mind.

Selfishness.

The other night I had finally seen something about my mother and her “unselfishness”.

I realised that I am the same type of being. Not exactly, but the same class of being.

Blind nature conditioned to serve. Not perfectly, I rebel a lot, but fundamentally I am nothing without “someone to love”.

Cue Jefferson Airplane.

“When the truth is found to be lies,
When all the joy within you dies,
Don’t you want somebody to love,
Don’t you need somebody to love,
Wouldn’t you love somebody to love?
You’d better find somebody to love.”

It hasn’t mattered what other belief I saw through, Gods or whatever, I was set up to serve.

I actually already saw this 3 years ago. That I believed in the romantic One more than god or anything.

I could literally write an essay about this.

The depression. The yearning. The being “used”. Giving it away for free.

Honesty, thinking these days is a torrent of insights. Still sick though, but it doesn’t seem to matter.

Selfishness.

I need to look after myself. Do things for myself. Arrange my life to suit the best interests of this body.

I was trained, both as a social identity and by nature to be a “classic male”.

I am nothing without a female to serve.

Of course, I have rebelled and broken up relationships etc. Acted “selfishly”. But not enough.

I didn’t “break up” with blind nature’s dictates or social conditioning.

I remained just as much a slave no matter how many times I have ended relationships.

The key is what is in this body’s best interests. To arrange my life around maximum pleasure, maximum fun, maximum health.

Not at the expense of anyone else if course.

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589
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590

Mommy’s boy indeed.:rofl:

591

I hope to prepare a useful report of my visit to see Richard and Vineeto 5 years ago.

But, I can 100% assure you that nothing was as important as what is already explained in great detail on the AFT.

"Committing to feeling good, each moment again, for the rest of your life, come what may".

I am tempted to get this tattooed down both arms, back and chest. In multiple languages.

592

стремление чувствовать себя хорошо, каждый момент снова, до конца своей жизни, будь что будет

渴望感覺良好，每時每刻，在你的餘生中，無論發生什麼

anhelando sentirse bien, cada momento otra vez, por el resto de tu vida, pase lo que pase

längtar efter att må bra, varje ögonblick igen, för resten av ditt liv, vad som än händer

در آرزوی احساس خوب، هر لحظه دوباره، تا آخر عمر، هر چه که باشد

تتوق إلى الشعور بالرضا ، كل لحظة مرة أخرى ، لبقية حياتك ، ما قد يحدث

pragniesz czuć się dobrze, w każdej chwili, do końca życia, co może się wydarzyć

akɔnnɔ a wowɔ sɛ wobɛte nka sɛ wo ho ye, bere biara bio, wɔ w’asetra nyinaa mu, nea ɛbɛba biara

khao khát cảm thấy tốt, mỗi giây phút một lần nữa, trong suốt phần đời còn lại của bạn, điều gì có thể xảy ra

משתוקקים להרגיש טוב, כל רגע מחדש, למשך שארית חייך, ויהי מה

593

There’s some international SEO for ya.

Thanks Google.

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"I just want you to know I don’t hate you anymore,
There is nothing I could say that I haven’t thought before,

Serve the servants, oh no,

Serve the servants, oh no,

Serve the servants, oh no,

Serve the servants,

That legendary divorce is such a bore "

596

It’s one thing to rebel, it’s another to rebel all the way.

597

Haha that’s so cool read in Polish! It clicks in a different way, almost makes more sense to read in my mother language.

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598

I didn’t know you are polish.

I was out last night with a magnificent specimen of your lineage.

I was just translating into languages of my exes, and a few others that are friends.

Hebrew was for historical purposes. I was learning it as a teenager to better understand the bible.

599

I would love to hear a recording of you saying it in polish.

I love the sound of polish.

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600

Yeah I moved to the UK when I was 12 so Polish was my first language. Weirdly enough my English is better than Polish by now but that text just clicks in a different way reading it in Polish.

I’ve actually got a speech imediment that only shows itself in Polish so it wouldn’t be the best representation of the language :joy:. I can’t roll my R’s and so my Polish sounds weird, luckily though you don’t roll R’s in English so I’m all sorted there!

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601

Wow, I had never considered that different languages had different speach impediments.

I guess those “click” languages of Africa have a few unable to “click”.

Speaking of “clicking”;

I was objecting to Richard saying one can blame “blind nature”.

Damn. Mental fog. It was just there.

Billions of years, if not forever, doesn’t give up easily.

602

I should go to bed, whatever it was will come back.
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good night.