Andrew

Journals
607

So, last night I was sensible and stayed indoors. Drank orange juice and whiskey, watched a movie.

Had an interesting time delving into doubt and despair. The question of “why?” spiralling around.

Then I started to think a very interesting thought.

What if ‘i’ am quite simply ‘humanity’. ‘i’ am ‘you’ , and every ‘one’. I am the perpetrators and the victims and everyone in-between.

But why?

Well, what if I don’t really want to know the answer?

What if I don’t like the answer?

What if, like being born in an individual life, with self awareness gradually dawning on me after 18 months. ‘i’ am ‘that’ which self awareness slowly dawned on. Same same.

The movie I watched was called “Predestination”.

The main character is both her/his own mother and father, a time travelling detective stopping a bomber who is , yep, also him/herself.

‘i’ was that brutal tyrant, the vicious rapist and child abuser etc, whilst ‘i’ was also the starving and abused masses, and the discarded victims in the gutter.

Does this answer “why?”. Strangely, it actually does. Do I like it?

If ‘i’ am ‘humanity’, all that suffering I lament was ‘me’ doing it to ‘myself’.

‘humanity’. What if there is truly only ‘one’?

It truly does mean it has always been up to ‘me’.

I woke up this morning feeling good.

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608

This entire journey is really a case of;

“Stop hitting yourself”.

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609

The implications are enormous.

The Glamour, Glitz and Glory are also ‘me’ venerating ‘me’.

‘I’ want to be a real boy!

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610

I’m both the one perpetrating cruelties out of selfish desire, and the one saying “bad boy!”

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611

Richard talks about licentiousness in one of the taped dialogues.

We remain ‘selves’ because we can justify anything.

Like I saw the other night, “right & wrong” all depend on how I am feeling.

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612

Why try to have insights when I could have just read carefully?:rofl:

613

R: A realisation is not always a fact; realisations can be a stepping-stone to evince a fact. A person has an existing mind-set and a realisation is a way of fitting whatever we discuss into that real-world paradigm.

Q(1): Yes, I can’t go beyond that at each step.

R: Given the grip that the pre-existing mind-set has on one’s reality, a realisation is a way of accommodating a new concept. Then maybe a week, a fortnight or a month later a practical actualisation occurs and that particular realisation has been the preparation ground for that consummation to happen. The realisation creates a preparedness in the old mind-set to receive the actuality.

One of the biggest worries is that one will lose all sense of direction and become like a leaf blowing in the wind."

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614

Personality change.

I keep hanging on to a version of myself, and not changing.

For example, general enthusiasm for doing things. I remain generally not enthusiastic for doing things.

So, realisations are a way of fitting new information into an existing mind-set.

They won’t change me.

I have to change me.

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615

I.e. Actions.

616

Mission accepted.

617

Don’t blame the victims. Don’t reveal in the victors.

A virus currently infects this body. 3 weeks now.

A virus, if Fred Hoyle is correct, began me, and anytime it could end me.

10 seconds.

It’s all we ever had. The gap between our heart ceasing to beat and blackout, forever.

How is your moment of being alive going?

618

You have 10 seconds to answer.

619

For the record, I reread every single post in this journal.

I have immense respect for many, if not all, here.

What puzzles me is why any of this should be so hard.

I wished, and did everything I could to have that one beside me on this journey.

I failed.

Srid is a soul precious to me, assuming he is still alive. Along with Alan. I knew them somehow.

I was them. I am them.

Sickness stalks all.

My father was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer when I was 17. It’s actually amazing how much he did for me. He separated himself from the family for our benefit. He knew long before the sickness, that ‘he’ was sick.

Heroes don’t always have a story. They die in whatever way they do. As Jon said, give them a break. They are playing the game they believe they can win. Sometimes that game was for our benefit. Altruism.

Do you win?

Your silence is deafening.

Is my insolence offensive?

One choose the ‘safe’ path, and condemn billions to suffer.

It’s obviously more than Ok. Nothing ever depends on us. We have the opportunity to be remarkable.

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620

Hey @Andrew … I guess you could check into a clinic or a hospital ? A few months back, I had a severe case of diarrhoea with a fever that touched 102 and there was no sign of recovery for a while…was kinda half dead like, so checked into a hospital…they ran all the tests n took good care of me with all the stuff they do…

Take a good rest n speedy recovery to you !

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621

Thanks @Shashank

I am sorry, I haven’t slept probably in days and getting drunk is the only thing that stops the coughing. I went too far.

It was my fault. It’s a cold, but I still kept going out.

I think 3 years of not getting a cold has left me with weak immunity.

622

How am I feeling about the actual world now?

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623

Chatting with @Kiman , and realising I was being preachy, then thinking “how can I be more helpful?” lead me to talking about coming from a religious background and automatically looking for the rules.

Rules are everywhere in religion.

Funnily, after posting my tongue in cheek list of rules, I realised how relevant it was for the very thing I was journalling about; my relationship to my ex and women in general.

It unlocked something further to the previous insights into my mother.

She is a life long, very devout Christian. Follows the rules to a tee. Smiling, loving, extremely generous, kind to everyone. Went through hell being the perfect wife to a very imperfect husband.

Then it clicked. I keep circling back to thinking about my recent ex because she didn’t follow “the rules”.

Infact, it’s a summary of all my relationships. I expect the woman to essentially be like my mother, following very definite ways of behaviour; the classic Christian virtues of faithfulness, kindness, generosity, unselfishness et al.

However, the dark side is, I followed a mixed path. Without a father fulfilling his equivalent set of rules, I was in a sort of limbo. Experiencing my mother’s piety, whilst witnessing my father’s licentiousness.

I’ve said it before, but I absolutely love this forum!

@Kiman Thanks for posting, and I hope I can be useful to your journey!

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624

Ironically, it was my “imperfect” father who started me on this journey of seeking.

It was him who dragged the family out of the Anglican church, into the charismatic pentacostal church I did my growing up in.

It was that momentum, of him seeking a better answer, a more direct experience of god, which inexorably, has brought me here.

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625

As I was pondering more this evening, I had the imagination that my ex is with someone else and is working up the feelings until she can love him.

She is, simply put, deciding to love someone else.

It struck my as funny. It even changed the atmosphere of the room, I got a glimpse of the direct sensation I have had a few times before.

Considering she used to love me, and that did nothing to make me happy, and others before her have loved me, and again it didn’t result in happiness, the thought was instantly there

“I don’t want her love!”

There was zero rancour, sour grapes, or anything like that. It was instantly funny and freeing at the same time.

I saw the silliness of it!

What’s more, it also solved the other rumination that had been going on; she will inevitably get back in contact when love fails, and I was worried about it. I thought it was me wanting validation, and it may be a bit of that, but it was all gone (it seems for now anyway) when that thought occurred.

Of course I can be kind and friendly!

I was holding on to her love for me as if it were something precious. And conversely, holding onto love for her.

As always, I guess this will cycle back around to reveal more.

In related news, despite still being quite sick, I started noticing what may just be “pure intent”.

It like thoughts will pop into my head, and there is this determination which arises before I can think “I should look into that”. A part of me is already one step ahead. Almost like being on one of those moving sidewalks at the airport. There is momentum that isn’t to do with my own commitment directly.

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626

To be more accurate, the silliness of it was instantly there.