Andrew

Journals
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It was a joke, although I knew that “confessions” could be related to shame or embarrassment because of its relation to religions. But I used the word thinking that it was another way in which @JonnyPitt and @Andrew were exposing their egos.

Maybe you are right and they meant it in the sense of admiring selflessly the work done by themselves, but at least in MY case that is not usually the motivation: my taste for rereading what I wrote tends to generate known feelings of pride, vanity, etc (when I am still in agreement with what I wrote, of course). So it was this interpretation which amused me.

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Interesting. I would usually not confess, or would in a self-effacing way, because of pride.

However, there was definitely something light-hearted about rereading my journal last night. Like i was reading someone else’s journal.

Pleased rather than proud. I normally would be embarrassed / cringing that i hadn’t done what i said i would, but this time, i actually have been doing what i said i would.

I was reflecting on how much preaching i had done on actualist chat platforms over the years. How many times of was “out of line” and advising people, not being kind. Also, how many times i shared more than i should have about my relationships. In a way, it’s a good thing from that perspective we don’t have the gitter/zulip/ slack chats easily (or at all) accessible, no one need read some of the stuff i wrote.

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I kind of look up to the way you live life: just exploring without any staked out course. This is the way I prefer to live also.

Just wanted to say that I like the context you provide and then having it meet actualism. It really brings “real life” into the picture. The AFT often lacks in context, examples and backstory, which makes the investigation very conceptual.

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@solvann

I was smiling to think you have a picture of me you “look up to”. It’s something i wish i was. Maybe a surfer dude in a combi van, drifting with the seasons and going with the flow. :rofl:

I am, in reality, many things no one would aspire to sensibly. Of course, with that definition, i am a veritable poster boy for millions.

Funnily enough, you are in my echelon of mysterious European types which are just down right cool.

How are them apples? :joy:

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@solvann

I hear what you are saying about context and the AFT.

It’s somewhat of a shame Richard didn’t pursue his inspiration to write more in fiction and tell stories. I think he could have built quite a few characters and expressed his discoveries.

What happens, quite sensibly, is that our lives have actual / real people in them, and the details of our lives are intertwined with those who aren’t “down with” sharing all the details. Sensibly so. The internet and information can be a dangerous place.

I would prefer to have closer personal contact with other actualists so the context can be given in more detail without it being stored “forever” on the net. Some context could i think set us free very quickly.

A frank and open phone call is worth hundreds of thumb warrior posts IMO.

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I will continue this here, at the risk of convolution.

So, back to Naivete.

Something else very interesting came up in the conversation with her last night: one night stands.

This is the third time i have been subtly mocked because i have never deliberately gone down the casual sex route.

It has a veiled accusation in it. That being, “i can get sex, can you?”.

The actual answer is yes. I can get sex, even at nearly 46, whenever i go out, there are clearly women that flirt with me. So, i wonder, why this particular threat / competition / comparison?

Validation.

Ego/Self driven, I am ‘someone’ through getting sex and attention. Narcissistic Bombast.

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And so the war of the sexes continues.

Maybe i should pursue that 22 year old that likes me? Then i will be worth the attention of 47 year olds?

What a stupid game really. Utterly pathetic.

Naivete is a super power. Things become so clean and clear.

Let others live as they so choose.

Never take it personally when that choice is buying animals to fulfil their attention needs. The cat will have a pampered life. No losers there. Except of course if i am dumb enough to miss out on the shear fun of being alive now.

I think shares in a pet store is a great investment in the modern relationship market. Cute kittens and pug dogs.

There is gold in them thar hills, i tell ya!

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I think this explains furries too btw

“humans are so confusing, I wish everyone was like my dog!”

“I know, I’ll just be a dog!”

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Well, until the sexual revolution and the current 3rd gen wave of said such, the Average man was a dog.

Loyal. Faithful. Kinda funny looking. Would take a bullet for ya.

I think the real world is “deliberately” pushing for it’s destruction. The death instinct on the collective scale.

Showing itself to itself. The gods are unmasked and debased. What was already there, in true narcissistic form, WANTS to be found out. Wants to smirk at you in the court; yeah, i really did it, but you can’t prove it.

Except of course, we can. We can bring down the tyranny, because we are the tyranny.

The irony of the modern furrie child, in lieu of an actual one, echoes the debasement of the Roman empire ; give them the circus!

However, again quoting my previous god-man “these things must come, but woe to him through which they come”.

It is the drama we need to have, to see the freedom we need to have.

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My friend told me: “my reality is disintegrating.”

He had watched so much media, had so many contradicting ‘realities,’ that nothing made sense anymore. He could counter every one of his own thoughts.

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Naivete. Day, i can’t remember.

So with naivete comes optimism. With optimism come disappointment.

The things i dare not hope, think possible, a naive me dares to entertain.

And so, i see why i have pushed it down.

Naivete is that which lays all my hopes and dreams out in the open. And that can sting.

It’s not for the weak of knee, or fragile continence.

One finds out that optimism is a rare thing. Fantasy extremely common, but a real “we can do this!” is like the echoless abyss answering back.

That has smitten mine vagus verily.

Or less pretentiously, my heart gets a bit more broken every time i find i am alone in this endeavour.

Naivete dictates that such a break is a good thing. How else would i find out what i am doing to otherwise remain me?

But, it will take guts to go there. That’s ok, all i have to do is remember how much better this world would be without the ‘real’.

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Being realistic. Adjusting my expectations. Knowing what the score is.

In other words; being in the world as it is, with people as they are.

My exploration of what attraction is, and how they plays out in disgust vs desire, what “Sexual Market Value” (SMV) is, (how it is not a negotiation ), and how only a fool who wishes to suffer ignores it.

Of course, that fool was me for what seems forever.

As the Doobie Brothers sang “What a fool believes, he sees”.

I must be circumspect on the details (sorry, i realise context is so useful).

In short ;
All sexual relationships are a transaction based on ones relative SMV. I must emphasise, relative. There is no recognition of global exchange rates in SMV, no intermarket adjustment, or price guaranteed bonds. If one want to trade at a relatively better rate, then one moves to another market.

I realised i had completely overvalued myself. Much like many others, and what a narcissistic ego is want to do, I believed myself to be of higher value in my market, than the market is willing to pay.

As Claudiu said, it is all very simple. Attracting and being attracted is simple. Realising the overlap however means actually seeing the overlap.

It wasn’t where i would have preferred it. However, with a quick readjustment of expectations, a pain in the chest, and a few days of dejection and a good dose of naivete, i am exploring another chapter of a book i had skimmed over too quickly.

I am back with my partner, exploring what i dared never do again. Love. Jealousy. Passion.

Ah, the classics. :joy:

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And so it goes.

I would really like to have more one on one phone convos with actualist interested people.

I don’t really care how successfully you are an actualist. I mostly care that everything i ever learnt about life and living came through some interaction with others.

I think that this forum, and the actualism culture of isolation and individualality is not going to cut it.

Let’s get messy. Have the dramas we need. Maybe, we can crack open this whole thing.

Maybe, i just need that interaction. Words on a screen don’t cut it.

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Don’t know about getting messy and needing drama, I have more than enough of that around here thank you very much. But happy to interact outside this forum with you, Andrew. One-on-one though. Not too keen on party/group dialogue at this point. My door’s open for you.

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Cool, i will DM you.

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This encryption thing is a hurdle. I found a way to generate a “paper key”, whether I will be able to use it successfully I don’t know yet. I sent you a DM with my email address as a way to avoid the issue altogether. Or you can try shooting me another DM and I’ll see if I can punch in a new paper key successfully.