Andrew: Thanks Vineeto.
Your insights are truly remarkable.
I enjoy re-reading the writing of Richard, especially as I have read it before but not had any connection with them; having them stand out to me like this is lovely.
Hi Andrew,
That’s good to hear. There is a plethora of information how to feel good, feel better and feel excellent on the Actual Freedom website – I won’t be around forever to present you with appropriate quotes. But I am pleased to read they are of use to you.
Andrew: Your links between “my” generation and Buddhism, repetitive musical motifs, focusing on suffering, are remarkable. They are like “water to a fish” to me; I was tangentially aware, but having it pointed out? Wow.
Indeed you have expressed the theme of “life is fundamentally disappointment and suffering” often enough to see the connection but when you introduced the video as “one of my favourites over the last decade” I became obvious. Now that you know that it’s religion, albeit Eastern religion, you have inadvertently practiced, are you ready to wipe the slate clean like you did with guilt a couple of weeks ago?
Andrew: I have been wondering how my mother remained so insulated from self-reflection. Christianity is a hell of a drug, it would seem.
I am tempted to see something of the overall “tone” of rebellion in my feelings towards the moments I remember.
In all of this, it’s very obvious I don’t “know” as you pointed out a few posts back. These ideas are all interesting, I “think” some are close.
Did you fully understand when Richard said –
Richard: It soon became increasingly apparent, thereafter, how those childhood hurts had been vital to the maintenance of the righteous indignation which fuelled ‘his’ plaints of injustice (a.k.a. ‘unfairness’) and, thus, ‘his’ mission to bring justice (a.k.a. ‘fairness’) to the world. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Aggression, 21 Jan 2016).
Now, that you described what you remember your mother did to instil this ‘instant perfectionism’ in you – did that make any difference in your attitude and behaviour towards succeeding? Or was it just a realisation to be filed away for telling a good story some time? You said –
Andrew: The particular thing my mother was drawing when I was two years old, was a stylised “dog” character with a bow tie. A cartoon that many would memorise and replicate. When I could not replicate it, (obviously I am two years old!) I refused to even pick up a pencil for a long time. My mother recounts she deliberately did not draw at all for months before I would touch a pencil again.
To paint a cartoon might not require much skill. Do you still believe that this is the standard of quality you have to/ want to follow, with the prerogative to do it instantly? Trusting authority can be a crippling belief/ attitude but you are no longer two years old, and will never be again. Unless you deliberately and joyfully let go of your childhood hurts, and with it the parent-child authority, nothing will change in your life.
Here is how Richard approached producing art –
Richard: For what it is worth: whenever I came across somebody who had already accomplished what I wanted to achieve I unabashedly set out emulate them – avidly reading every word they wrote/listening intently to what they had to say (colloquially known as ‘picking their brains’) plus being generally appreciative that they be willing to pass on experience and information – inasmuch at the beginning of the path which led to me becoming a practising artist in my own right, for instance, in the area of the fine arts I slavishly copied, imitated meticulously, acquiring the necessary skills along the way, until the moment came where everything pertaining to that aspiration had became second-nature to me.
Then I let go of the controls … and it all happened of its own accord. (Richard, AF List, No. 30, 7 Jul 2005).
That means unless you learn the skill of the craft first, meticulously and patiently, you cannot have “it all happened of its own accord” and art will never eventuate. No amount of expensive equipment can make up for lack in skill and patient training.
Andrew: One of the obvious things from this whole interest in buying musical equipment is how I desire it, but reject it at the same time! I would have no such qualms about buying a car. There is something socially acceptable about even going into a lot of debt to own a car, but even say, $6000 spent of a few high quality musical goods is bringing out all sorts of feelings towards the world and myself. (…)
I can only suggest to keep it simple – start with your own objections to feeling good.
Andrew: I feel both proud and embarrassed about this whole thing. So utterly “bourgeoisie” to be even discussing some “slight” from an otherwise first world upbringing. Still, I am glad that at least something is happening which is of a different type to the past decade plus, which was marked with lots of thinking and posting, and plenty of drama.
I suppose what you said once holds true; once we start on this path we are going to have the drama we have to have! (link)
Well, the emotional drama only diminishes when you get tired of being a willing participant/ instigator. Underneath all the attraction to drama and victimhood there is something called common sense – when you give it room to operate …
Cheers Vineeto