Andrew: All day today however, I have been questioning more, as in an ongoing pondering, on how to get out of “neutral” more, but it hasn’t so far been obvious. Now you ask the question;
Vineeto: Was there perhaps already a build-up of frustration?
Andrew: That definitely rings a bell. I will look at this more tonight. Though my initial thoughts are that I would rather be very many other places than stuck in traffic then attending 8 hours of work (although I do like my job) then stuck in traffic again.
Thankfully, my broken ribs have healed enough that I could ride my motorcycle to work, which is naturally more enjoyable (whilst not being a pleasure as such, the freeway is not naturally a pleasant ride).
Good, that is a practical solution. However, there is more …
Andrew: On the topic of built up frustrations,
I had been, until last week end pushing myself to improve “my lot” with the goal of not being so financially dependant on a “9-5” job. The recent success of feeling mostly neutral, with pockets of good, and minimal bad, gave that goal some needed mental space.
I am thinking far clearer than I was before.
However, such an endeavour, however successful it may eventually be, isn’t the answer for “now”. I was investigating a lot of time and energy into it, and it became clear last night that there was a lot of hope and scheming in it. With that reduced now, I have seen ways to improve the plan I had. However, before getting back into that plan, I need to dig into my current situation and improve my mood regardless of any future changes in my living conditions. Now is when I am alive, and tomorrow will most likely come, and so will the freeway, and work!
That is a very good outcome of contemplation. When you attempt to “to improve ‘my lot’” the way you have done so far, i.e. with pushing yourself and generally in a ‘fighting the world’ mode, the outcome is likely to be frustration, exhaustion, and building-up anger and anxiety.
Can you see a way to do it by being friendly with yourself – and others – and by allowing yourself to enjoy the things you have to do, or you want to do, and by appreciating this moment of being alive? Perhaps even a bit more in a naïve way?
Richard’s approach to make enjoyment easier might also appeal to you –
Richard: I did everything possible that ‘I’ could do to blatantly imitate the actual in that ‘I’ endeavoured to be happy and harmless for as much as is humanly possible. This was achieved by putting everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis. That is, ‘I’ would prefer people, things and events to be a particular way, but if it did not turn out like that … it did not really matter for it was only a preference. ‘I’ chose to no longer give other people – or the weather – the power to make ‘me’ angry … or even irritated … or even peeved. (Richard, List B, No. 12a, 16 Jul 1998)
Andrew: It may be eventually that a “sea change” is part of the solution. A physical move to an environment more naturally conducive to well being.
Even though you have a long-term goal but that doesn’t need to exclude you in the meantime from enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive.
Andrew: As it is, my days are vastly more enjoyable at a constant “neutral” with pockets of “good”, and very little “bad”. However, I will need to dig deeper, as it is obvious enough that greater dedication to uncovering built up frustrations, social identity beliefs etc is needed.
These days of “a constant ‘neutral’” are clearly worth of investigation. They still indicate being a product of habitual dis-association or bulging the carpet, under which some unwanted feelings are hiding.
Here I found a succinct description of the actualism method –
Richard: What I can say is this: as the many and various emotions/ passions are the same affective energy, at root, then directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/ innocuous feelings (that is, ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being, which is ‘being’ itself), via minimisation of the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings and maximisation of the happy and harmless feelings, will have the effect of involuntarily radiating felicitous/ innocuous vibes and currents as a matter of course. (Richard, List D, No. 25c, 29 Oct 2013
Andrew: The main conclusion I came to through the day was what Claudiu suggested about “remembering” the fresh feeling I had described as a way of tracking back to feeling good. That and leaning into pure intent when that feeling of well-being is there. I am feeling a freshness when I do that, and as I am well aware that a steadfast connection to pure intent is essential before “whittling away” at any otherwise important to keep ‘me’ in check socialisation.
That was the direction of the pondering today, leaning into and remembering that fresh feeling, and learning what it is to have a connection with pure intent (learning obviously what it is to begin with!)
That is an excellent suggestion from Claudiu.
Andrew: I am learning to nip in the bud any meandering theorising and stick with a few very clear recent successes. (My feelings are not informing me of facts about the world around me, and there is a distinct experience that happens when something “hits home”, being the two that are the most easily remembered).
Be careful though, not to confuse ‘nipping in the bud’ with suppressing unwanted feelings –
Richard: The phrase ‘nipping them in the bud’ is not to be confused with either suppression/ repression or ignoring/ avoiding … it is to be consciously and deliberatively – with knowledge aforethought – declining oh-so-sensibly to futilely go down that well-trodden path to nowhere fruitful yet again. (Richard, AF List, Rick, 24 April 2005)
Even though “feelings are not informing me of facts about the world around me” they nevertheless inform you about how you feel, and if it is not feeling good, it informs you that there is something to look at and to dismantle the obstacle (once you get back to feeling good) – so that it does not happen again and again.
Andrew: I think at the moment, a decent reading session of the AFT is in order. So much of our recent conversations could be more productive on my part, if I were to go through and use this latest success to read “with my eyes open”. (link)
This is an excellent plan. Claudiu produced a search engine specifically for the AFT website, accessible on the homepage (icon at the top right hand corner).
Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ found that each time, after making some progress, ‘she’ found more hints and clues in Richard’s writing, even though ‘she’ had read the pages before. It does take a while to take it all in – after all, actualism is a new paradigm, and as feeling being one tends to read a lot through one’s previous template of beliefs, principles, morals and ethics, and all the rest of one’s conditioning.
Cheers Vineeto