It is interesting to see you writing about ‘abandoning hope’, in contrast to my ‘abandoning despair’. I suppose we describe the same thing differently.[1]
The stories in the head[3] and the feelings in the heart[4] add ‘weight’ and seriousness, reinforcing that imaginary timeline, further calcifying me in locked to the timeline. Whereas, when I drop down to the passions and stay with them, it becomes much simpler and naiveté automatically comes to fore[5].
It must be thrilling (maybe fearful at times) for you to meet Sonya as she is in this moment, without any regard for past or future and thus without the ‘safety’ of any relationship. Before, I found this way of relating quite scary, but now I know that all other forms (even if euphoric[2:1]) of relating sucks. This moment is where it is actually safe. Hope & despair is where it is very unsafe.
For example, from the posts above, you write of “direct seeing into the depths of ‘my’ being”, whereas I wrote of “staying with the deep sense of being that fear [as the stark sensations in the belly]”. Where you wrote “fear - as real as it is - is not a fact” (or Peter’s “plunging into one’s own psyche and rummaging around the bottom, looking under all the rocks”), I wasn’t trying to do that at all (because I err’ed on the side of ‘not moving’ at all), but nevertheless the despair dissipated away, revealing the ‘fear of future’ to be nothing more than a feeling (i.e., not a fact). I can also relate to your “there is a certain confidence which develops to keep going no matter what as nothing can go wrong.” because now I’ve come to actually prefer[2] enjoying & appreciating this moment of being alive over any euphoric feelings (in male-female intimacy). And like you wrote “this fear had been there all ‘my’ life, in varying degrees from mild anxiety to full blown terror”, for me too this despair has existed in varying degrees (the mildest of it took the form of boredom). ↩︎
“VINEETO: […] when you see – and know with certainty – “that every feeling other than feeling good sucks” then you know you have dedicated your life to being happy and harmless.” Chrono's Journal - #160 by Vineeto ↩︎ ↩︎
“does she like me?”, “will she leave me?”, “will I end up alone?” … ↩︎
“feeling euphoric when she is affectionate”, “feeling forlorn if she wasn’t as reciprocative”, “intuiting a bleak future”, … ↩︎
By the way, has anyone noticed that naiveté is very close to the raw and titillating sexual desire (as opposed to the feeling/cognitive narrative atop)?. ↩︎