For the record: my most obvious PCE is from a long time back: Srid’s PCE & EE reports – Sridhar Ratnakumar
Context, contd.
When I set out 3 days ago to just allow PCEs, and use that as lodestone going forward, I had also given up everything (including ‘actualism method’) I was doing in the name of ‘actualism’.
Nevertheless, almost every moment I find myself automatically asking “What is preventing the PCE from happening right now?”. And the answer immediately reveals to be whatever is occupying me: a feeling, belief or attitude. Then I look into what that is. If it is too strong, I stay with the underlying passions to ‘calm’ the affective/cognitive overlay. Eventually I can ‘look around’ that overlay, and glean just what those beliefs underlying my social identity are. All of this is done with the only goal of having the PCE happen sooner than later. What I find interesting is that this way I can actually get to the bottom[1] of my social identity, rather than intellectually wank at the surface[2].
EE (center-less)
Having finished my swim, I walked to the bus stop. I got somewhat upset at the fact that the next bus wouldn’t arrive until 15 minutes later (which is unusual for this time). So, I lingered at the stop, strolling back and forth under light snow, (passively) listening to music. For important context, I should say that the euphoria[1:1] based hope/despair was still operating as an undercurrent.
At one point, I must have been completely ‘zoned out’ despite standing upright and pacing around (like an automaton). I realized that this was happening only as full awareness came back, but when it came back: it was more of a center-less awareness (I was looking at a building ahead and the snow in between us). Even though I couldn’t tell if it was PCE, the expression ‘the universe experiencing itself’ came to my mind. I realized that the “I” that I had been being (with “his” desire for euphoria[1:2] thus hopes/despairs and the attendant preoccupations) was no more because perception had virtually no ‘center-point’ anymore. I thought “Wow, this is cool. Is it as simple as this? “I” – even if the social “I” – simply had to step back and let the moment ‘happen’? Then I can just sit back and relax?”
Thereon, I allowed and appreciated this center-less way of perception because it would be silly to ‘go back’ even if that were possible. I stepped onto the bus, and the enjoyment & appreciation increased without me even trying. This was a busy period, so the bus was full, and people usually are tired due to returning from work. My visual perception was very ‘soft’[3]. There was no intense focus (like a predator scanning) anywhere; it was just great to be here and very refreshing and energetic (not in a frantic way). I enjoyed listening to music to the nth degree; it was no longer playing ‘passively’.
I made the decision to ‘stay’ in this way for being for as long as possible. And if/when I regress, I’ll aim to find my way back.
Last two years, I was largely overcomplicating things. Once I stayed with despair, I was able to pinpoint the exact beliefs involved. I located two of them: a)
woman is attracted to man => woman 'values' man => man feels 'valued'. This intuited ‘value’ was the source of my ‘self-worth’ (incidentally, this is a common experience for normal men too) . b) Loneliness: absence of that euphoric-bond with woman => alone forever. I’ve also identified a covert form of hope, which is this desire for euphoria itself, which kept the hope/despair loop alive albeit in a milder form. ↩︎ ↩︎ ↩︎I discovered that reaching out to traumas are useless in my case. Nor do I have to analyze how my parents behaved to the younger me. The bulk of my ‘thinking’ (which is really rumination in disguise) about social identity has been a huge distraction. ↩︎
Richard: “one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes” ↩︎