Sonya’s journal

[Sonyaxx]

@Vineeto

Good. Now that you see it a bit clearer, can you understand that someone has to stop the tit-for-tat blame-game if you both want to live in peace and harmony? And because the only person you can change is yourself – the buck can stop with you, if you choose to.

Yes, I actually noticed when I began to blame the other day. It was actually the time that @Kub933 wrote about when the drink was accidentally knocked over the back of the sofa. He went to blame and I went to blame right back . I quickly noticed there was the anxiety and fear of punishment that was bubbling up which propelled me to retaliate. When I noticed I was doing the tit for tat blame game again I shutup and consciously decided to stop right then and there. I saw there was no point, and that actually there was no punishment that was coming so why am I continuing on this game? There was still tension as we both did still start the game but it dispated quickly, luckily for my friend who was sat in the room with us and got slightly caught in the cross fire

@Vineeto

This is certainly more clear, and again, the onus is on you to change this kind of relationship, unilaterally. After all, as you said “the one that doesn’t actually exist but I feel it to be real” and therefore you can choose to aim for a different kind of relationship. You can, gradually, stand on your own two feet, don’t expect to be protected and provided for and can relate with your partner in a more amicable basis.

Over the past two days there has been an excitement and anxiety as I’ve been contemplating actually standing on my own two feet. I feel as if I have stepped away from hiding behind Kuba but not quite yet taken the step further to stand entirely on my own two feet. Almost like im staying very close, just incase I need to dart back to the “safety” .

@Vineeto

This is an excellent discovery and good news – to finally have the appropriate label for the conglomerate of feelings (good and bad feelings) that you experienced “for the past 5 or so years”. It is easy, especially when familiar with actualism writings to kid oneself that one is forewarned and forearmed. And yet love itself is a strong instinctual and social conditioning that because of being forewarned love can easily go unnoticed. In that case only rigorous sincerity will bring it out in the open. Usually the negative side-effects of love such as possessiveness and jealousy, wanting to change the other according to one’s own image and similar domineering feelings and behaviour finally give it away.

I’ve been starting to notice and pick up on the loving feelings that come up. Noticing the good feelings of love have been quite eye-opening and being able to pick up on the behaviour I display to chase those good feelings. This has also led me to notice the bad feelings that come into play very quickly when the good feelings aren’t nurtured. Yesterday, Kuba said jokingly “why are you so far away from me, you don’t like me anymore”. Although he was joking, I immediately felt responsible for making him feel better, I felt the urge to immediately go comfort him and prove to him that of course I still like him so I felt secure again and resentment then followed quickly. Funny how I’ve been blind to it for so long.