Sonya’s journal

[Sonyaxx]

Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for your reply.

@Vineeto

First you report there are the feelings of upset and then blame.

Have you noticed how these are almost always come one right after the other, almost indistinguishable from each other. But they are two different feeling.

I haven’t noticed that them to be different feelings before but it makes sense that one comes after the other.

@Vineeto

Then, still feeling bad, you endeavour to fix the problem but whatever you do does not help you feeling good. Hence, at this point it would be best to first get back to feeling good yourself while it’s still emerging before complicating it further with reactive action.

Yes, I notice this tends to happen with me, if a strong emotion takes over I find myself reacting by trying to solve it immediately which has never worked so far I think I feel so uncomfortable and ashamed of being emotional again that I scramble and panic to ‘fix’ it and then of course get frustrated that I can’t fix it and then struggle to feel good again until i just stop and “let the dust settle”

@Vineeto

Yet by focussing on making the other happy you overlook/ ignore how you feel.

It’s funny cause when I read that I thought “it makes me happy to make him happy” but of course that’s just me not being in charge of my own feelings and shying from standing on my own two feet again! It’s only relying entirely on someone else to react the way I want them to which is unreliable.

@Vineeto

If you exchange “being a good employee” for “being a good wife” then you can perhaps acknowledge/ recognize that you make both the rules for the “good wife” and then enforce those rules on both you and him and recognize that those rules are “rooted in fear of punishment but also in desire for reward, whether that is popularity or praise or both”.

Im starting to see more now that I am entirely putting how I feel in the hands of someone else to praise or punish.

It’s starting to make sense.

Thank you