So I’ve been thinking about this and I think the answer is that for me as a woman, part of my ‘super power’ is the nurture. It’s how ‘I’ can relate to people. When I was younger it was being nurtured and now as I am getting older it is to do the nurturing. It places me in society, if I am nurturing i’m a ‘good’ woman, so ‘I’ have a vested interest in keeping the nurture around, it makes ‘me’ feel safe to be considered a ‘good’ woman to society. On the flipside, if ‘I’ am not nurturing, im cold, a bitch, etc… Although by ‘normal’ standards I’m not a overtly nurturing person and most people wouldnt describe me as nurturing, and yet no one has described me as cold or a bitch either. So this knee jerk reaction of fear that without nurture I’m going to be an evil robot is silly. It’s the same concern that came up when questioning love. It’s not an either or, it’s the third alternative.
I think the reason why I also want to keep ‘feeling connected’ is so I’m not soley responsible for my own happiness. So, I can rely on Kuba if I am happy or not, If he’s upset, then i subsequently get upset and can easily blame him for me being upset. It’s getting easier to grab it by the throat and look at it now when the feeling comes up. It’s the fear of standing on my own two feet and being accountable for my own happiness, without ‘feeling connected’ who can I blame when I am being upset?
I had my best friend visit me over the weekend, she knows I don’t prioritise love and she can experientally see that I still care for here and have not become an evil robot. I’m frank with her about actualism whenever she asks and I really enjoy spending time with her. She is someone apart from Kuba whom I’m not scared to be transparent with. Yet there is still a bit of ‘sisterhood’ that I am not quite letting go of yet, I know I don’t love her, she knows that as well and accepts that care and consideration is a priority for me over love for her. And with each little step of progress that I make I am taking a step away from sisterhood and into something much more substantial, that isn’t the ‘doom and gloom’ or the spiritual ‘mystery’ of being a ‘woman’ or ‘womanhood’. It is relating that is more than that. I don’t see the benefit of staying in the ‘sisterhood’ with its flipside, it isn’t ‘safe’ and it isn’t reliable. And I know that I won’t be an evil robot without it. It also doesn’t mean that I have to never interact with my female friends 