So I’ve constantly been having a few thoughts in the back of my mind that keep popping up so I thought Ill try write them down and try to figure out what’s going on with love for me.
I would say largely that love is out of the picture for me. I see to an extent that love is a double edged sword and doesn’t deliver the goods. To me, it’s a heavy, serious, sickly and always made me feel icky. I would say I’ve never fallen balls deep in that kind of “romantic” love. It would “give me the ick” when someone would fall in love with me. So, when I met Kuba and he said he wasn’t interested in love that was ideal.
Fast forward into our relationship, loving feelings of course began to develop for the first time. Being 19/20 and still figuring out alot about life, this new whirl wind of feelings hit like a tonne of bricks. Kuba and I never really fed into the loving feels but they were still somewhat there for me. Of course from it arose insecurities, expectations, control etc. I found that I was losing myself to some extent, I would do things out of love and if it wasn’t reciprocated I got upset. Each time that conflict or bad feelings would come up because of love I dismissed it and brushed it under the rug. I think cause we never really talked about it and I didn’t see the sense of it to a certain extent, it never grew past a certain point but it was still there.
I did eventuallly manage to eliminate most of it when I realised that I was getting upset and keeping love around by relating to Kuba as my ‘boyfriend’ and being in a ‘relationship’ with him. That came with all the expectaions of those roles that I put on him and myself and that included the loving feelings. I think after realising that and freeing myself from those expectations and Kuba from my expectations from him I was able to stand on my two feet a bit more and interact Kuba in a fresher way. Less expectations, more fun, light, playful. I thought the job was done.
Nope 
I was reading “A Bit of Vineeto” today when the below clicked for me
love changed into the subtler version of feeling ‘connected’
The main crux of love was largely diminished but I am still feeling connected to him. My feelings are still influenced by how he’s feeling. For a while I could say that I wasn’t in love with Kuba but there was something still there that was in the way of experiencing him directly without tinted glasses and I think it’s the feeling of being connected. I am not yet standing on my own two feet and still looking to Kuba to hold my hand.