This is the best kinda girl to date in my expereince too …atleast in the initial phase…like my last long term relationship where there was a sense of equal interest in moving things further
Lol yes I’ve been through this too…its the classic “psychological man;s” role that I try to fill up…but over the years I’ve gotten quite good at spotting this
Yeah, a lot of this falls down ultimately on the vibe…its interesting that I find too many profiles saying “We’ll get along if we vibe”…@claudiu’s mushroom hive mind theory seems on the roll lol
Yeah…the reason why I put the “atleast” is that it gets things started smoothly but later along the road identity issues (which are largely gender identity based) invariably start surfacing…but regardless of the outcome, I have always found what’s lurking beneath due to such interactions…which in turn gives a chance to fix it up !
Yesterday eve 2 small triggers happened…nothing too big…quickly seen n nipped in the bud…perhaps these triggers even registered because I was already primed up with a mild grumpiness coming from my IBS flareup earlier in the day
The seller at a bakery called me “bro” whilst a much younger girl besides me was addressed as “madam”…making me wonder why I’m not being adressed as “sir”…pretty petty issue
At the ATM, an elderly person was stuck with some card issue and he addressed me as “son” before asking for help…making me feel patronized and therefore weak…authority issue here
But good thing…both issues were pretty much gone in a short while…but still these small issues can’t be swept under the carpet hehe
Read this today n felt the familiar tinge of sorrow cum compassion arising from nurture instinct…it sounds very cold n cruel but none of my feelings sitting here at another part of Earth is going to help him…the “good” is where the Human Condition sticks around deeply :
A few days back I could once again get a glimpse of the magical perfection of actuality whilst riding in a cool electric bus and getting fascinated by the blinking lights in the adjacent trucks on the highway…the “toyland” is fascinating to say the least !
But after that glimpse, I could understand one link which had been missing. I was not sure as to what it is about this perfection that there is a large reluctance to experience it…It stems from authenticity of experience.
Here it goes :
As a baby, one grows up and learns to be dependant on other people(primarily parents)…from this fundamental dependancy, stems an addiction to always be dependant on people for happiness…i.e other people are one’s ultimate source of enjoying life…hence the debilitating feeling of loneliness when not having people to have fun with…so this ultimately confers authenticity to the happiness because of other people…
Now in comes the enjoyment of the magical wonderland perfection of actuality which has nothing whatsoever to do with other people…so the experience of actuality appears like an inauthentic happiness because one has always learnt to consider enjoying with other people as the authentic happiness
Its a strange one to see because as the body experiencing actuality should be what is authentic while reality is where ghosts do stuff lol
One of the most significant posts I have ever read. I have been contemplating something similar but not so perfectly put for weeks.
I keep thinking about my ex, knowing full well it was not some fairytale relationship, and not a source of the perfection I remember from years ago. Yet still, the longing comes back.
It is also mixed in with feelings about money. About not being good enough because I am too “lazy” to pursue the success which will make me popular. I stood out the back yard, which is far from attractive, and reminded myself that the perfection I desire isn’t found because of well manicured lawns, but is available all the time.
The deeper truth is what you point out; it’s far more fundamental than a “love affair”; everything is socially conditioned from birth. I am not allowed to enjoy that happiness because I am alone.
Yet, the most significant peak experience was alone.
Which leads into the feeling of being a “rat deserting the ship”. That finding that happiness/perfection on one’s own is a betrayal of others, of the social contract, and worse is admitting that one is a “loser”.
There will never be social validation for those moments of perfection. Not even here.
It also makes sense that from the point of view of the identity it is reality which always seems authentic over actuality, because ‘I’ am as fake as ‘it’ is, it’s like that saying - real recognises real lol.
‘I’ intuitively recognise reality as the truth because ‘I’ am made up of the same illusory stuff.
Although it seems that with actualism this balance can tip over time, where Actuality goes from being entertained as some far away concept/memory to something that cannot be seen as anything else than a fact.
This lake near my house with these old n broken type trees right inside water…the circular ripples and the gentle splashing sounds…it’s quite a still n magical type atmosphere
There is still this lingering thing where I think I have to find a partner and only then become actually free or rather that’s the way to become actually free…this has kept me under constant vacillation
Iow becoming actually free isn’t the primary obsession but getting a partner to become actually free has been lol
The solution seems simple but perhaps will take the energy of all nukes on earth - focus primarily on being free…if someone worthy comes along, well n good…
…atleast in the initial phase…like my last long term relationship where there was a sense of equal interest in moving things further
