Shank's Journal

Journals
76

Aah finally some experiential glimpse to the quality of actuality today…

Got up at 4am and was feeling pretty fresh and it was super silent and still…as it is always around this time of the day here…There is this period of super calm before sunrise when there are barely any sounds of both humans(vehicles etc activity) and animals, birds…It is as if the psychic web is at its lowest at this time…I wonder if this is the case across the globe ? I think Peter also mentioned something similar…

I wasn’t in a full blown PCE, but was in a very delightful place and there was this glimpse of stillness…outside the windows I saw these insects circling around very close to the street lamp which I experienced as such a super sweet intimacy…

Its little wonder why Richard calls this stillness as peace and also the most precious thing(“more precious than rare gemstones, relationships etc”)…it really is like an end of everything…this everything is ofcourse “me” in its entirety…from the standpoint of this perfectly still “other” world, it is literally mind-boggling what a load of total delusion everyday “reality” is each moment again…it exactly feels like a nightmare one is dreaming and upon glimpsing actuality, its like one wakes up from that nightmare !

Fast forward few hours later whilst having b’fast…my mom spoke some thing about girls n marriage…and I found myself hard to control my uprising annoyance…all that flavour of stillness lost in a matter of minutes…return of the full being which wasn’t even actually there to begin with :laughing:

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In the real world, every experience - however good or exciting or pleasurable - gets boring after repeated experiencing of the same…so the thought is that even the super cool stuff of actuality such as stillness, delight, wonder etc will get boring after a while

I know this is just “my” trickery to avoid self-immolation…because boredom is affective and it can’t remain after self-immolation hehe

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Trickery indeed! Because all it takes is a second of experiencing actuality to know by direct experience that it could never ever become boring.

I have been looking at boredom recently too and what I keep coming back to is that experience of actuality where this moment is forever fresh and always novel, it is so utterly fulfilling to experience, its exactly 180 degree opposite to reality.

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Pretty motivating short video except for that trust and believe part :

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So since yesterday evening after an incident I decided to take stock of one conveniently_swept_under_the_carpet_yet_persistant behaviour stemming from righteous anger which in turn is based on the belief in equality

Basically when it comes to dating apps, I expect that the girl must take equal interest in communicating when a match happens…some do, but many don’t and this puts me off because I find that most of these women would likely stand for gender equality, but when it comes to communication, they want me to be the guy and pursue etc…I don’t mind playing a bit of the guy’s role, but only to an extant…whatever be their reason for not communicating much, fact is that ultimately its my expectation on them based on a belief in equality thats causing me the upset… which in turn leads generally to saying something unpleasant or unmatching the person etc…which is quite plainly a malicious behaviour

For a while I even tried “letting go” and see what happens as-in let them not communicate…but this approach wasn’t exactly fruitful because the expectation and the resentment is still in place lol but there is what @Andrew calls “spiritual bypass” happening or in other words, the problem is just buried under the carpet

From the standpoint of a PCE or even feeling good, I can see that it won’t matter if the match doesn’t take much interest in communicating…enjoying my own company is key whilst still being on the lookout for the correct person

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This was the first message from the girl I’m currently dating, and she’s been lovely

I take all these ‘games’ people play as somewhat self-sorting, the more someone feels a need to resort to games, they’re likely more deeply ensconced in ‘humanity’ anyway and thus less interesting to me

By the same token, if I message someone, express interest, and they don’t reply or don’t give me much to work with, then clearly they aren’t that interested in the end… the match was merely speculative. I can see myself doing the same thing with some people that I swipe right on, too.

Something I realized a couple months back was that when there is mutual attraction, there’s not much need for all these games, both parties are just interested in eachother and thus make an effort to see one another. There is some room for leg work of sorts, but mainly my interest is doing simple things like cleaning up reasonably, and then the biggest factor in success will always be my vibe.

I was going to write this up in my journal, but this is a good place too: this evening I was around a woman I’m extremely attracted to, and I found myself making a subtle fool of myself the entire time. After some analysis I can see it was purely because I was nervous & thus leaning on ‘games’ like trying to appear confident, nonstop cracking stupid jokes, & making surface-level small talk. When I’m happy & genuinely confident around people, that’s not how I act at all. Why would it ever be attractive?

It’s not, it’s just a weak attempt that might work on some people but is ultimately not that interesting.

It’s so obvious that when I’m really close to purity my own fascination does everything necessary… I am genuinely interested in the other person, and with not much of a stake at all - both extremely attractive attributes in a person.

I’ll see how I am tomorrow :slight_smile:

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This is the best kinda girl to date in my expereince too :sunglasses:…atleast in the initial phase…like my last long term relationship where there was a sense of equal interest in moving things further

Lol yes I’ve been through this too…its the classic “psychological man;s” role that I try to fill up…but over the years I’ve gotten quite good at spotting this

Yeah, a lot of this falls down ultimately on the vibe…its interesting that I find too many profiles saying “We’ll get along if we vibe”…@claudiu’s mushroom hive mind theory seems on the roll lol

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I have found “have you ever done psychedelics?” one of the best lead-ins to talking about actualism topics.

But perhaps that’s just what the mushroom wants me to say…

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Also… this is an interesting thing to say… :eyes::eyes:

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Yeah…the reason why I put the “atleast” is that it gets things started smoothly but later along the road identity issues (which are largely gender identity based) invariably start surfacing…but regardless of the outcome, I have always found what’s lurking beneath due to such interactions…which in turn gives a chance to fix it up !

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Lol I’ll have to think about this for sure…because of not wanting to appear like a secret junkie or something

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Definitely no way to avoid that happening in some form or another, we are all identities after all

I just try to find the most sincere, naive people I can & try to go from there…. very much a work in progress but there have been encouraging signs.

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No doubt, I pick my spots

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Yesterday eve 2 small triggers happened…nothing too big…quickly seen n nipped in the bud…perhaps these triggers even registered because I was already primed up with a mild grumpiness coming from my IBS flareup earlier in the day

  1. The seller at a bakery called me “bro” whilst a much younger girl besides me was addressed as “madam”…making me wonder why I’m not being adressed as “sir”…pretty petty issue

  2. At the ATM, an elderly person was stuck with some card issue and he addressed me as “son” before asking for help…making me feel patronized and therefore weak…authority issue here

But good thing…both issues were pretty much gone in a short while…but still these small issues can’t be swept under the carpet hehe

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90

Read this today n felt the familiar tinge of sorrow cum compassion arising from nurture instinct…it sounds very cold n cruel but none of my feelings sitting here at another part of Earth is going to help him…the “good” is where the Human Condition sticks around deeply :

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A few days back I could once again get a glimpse of the magical perfection of actuality whilst riding in a cool electric bus and getting fascinated by the blinking lights in the adjacent trucks on the highway…the “toyland” is fascinating to say the least !

But after that glimpse, I could understand one link which had been missing. I was not sure as to what it is about this perfection that there is a large reluctance to experience it…It stems from authenticity of experience.

Here it goes :

As a baby, one grows up and learns to be dependant on other people(primarily parents)…from this fundamental dependancy, stems an addiction to always be dependant on people for happiness…i.e other people are one’s ultimate source of enjoying life…hence the debilitating feeling of loneliness when not having people to have fun with…so this ultimately confers authenticity to the happiness because of other people…

Now in comes the enjoyment of the magical wonderland perfection of actuality which has nothing whatsoever to do with other people…so the experience of actuality appears like an inauthentic happiness because one has always learnt to consider enjoying with other people as the authentic happiness

Its a strange one to see because as the body experiencing actuality should be what is authentic while reality is where ghosts do stuff lol

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Wow!!!

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One of the most significant posts I have ever read. I have been contemplating something similar but not so perfectly put for weeks.

I keep thinking about my ex, knowing full well it was not some fairytale relationship, and not a source of the perfection I remember from years ago. Yet still, the longing comes back.

It is also mixed in with feelings about money. About not being good enough because I am too “lazy” to pursue the success which will make me popular. I stood out the back yard, which is far from attractive, and reminded myself that the perfection I desire isn’t found because of well manicured lawns, but is available all the time.

The deeper truth is what you point out; it’s far more fundamental than a “love affair”; everything is socially conditioned from birth. I am not allowed to enjoy that happiness because I am alone.

Yet, the most significant peak experience was alone.

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Yes, this nails it - it’s the social conditioning(leading to addiction) which has made me consider one form of happiness as authentic over another

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Which leads into the feeling of being a “rat deserting the ship”. That finding that happiness/perfection on one’s own is a betrayal of others, of the social contract, and worse is admitting that one is a “loser”.

There will never be social validation for those moments of perfection. Not even here.

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