Vineeto: Indeed, it does take some time but what it really takes is action. Observing is not enough and they won’t fall away by themselves. Actualism is not the neo-buddhistic ‘noting’ which is nothing but a dissociation practice.
Scout: Good pointer, thank you. I definitely still retain some degree of buddhist passivity.
What it takes is paying diligent attention whenever you notice a diminishment of feeling good, you take note of the trigger and then investigate the cause of the trigger – sometimes it is an old habit which you can decline, sometimes it is something deeper which needs further exploration. Don’t remain passive, which is obvious an acquired habit which only serves to keep you miserable.
Vineeto: Presently you merely proved to yourself that your addiction to suffering is indeed unchangeable and therefore justified. Do you recognize the trick you play with yourself? You simply changed suffering about your own pain (which is too difficult to look at because of an underlying fear) to suffering for other people’s sake, especially in situations in which you can do nothing and where your own sympathy, empathy and compassion can offer no practical assistance. It only makes you suffer on their behalf on top of suffering on your own behalf so that you can feel less ‘selfish’.
Scout: Also true!! And it’s hard to let go of too because of tribal allegiances, because compassion and self-sacrifice is a high moral virtue within my family (who I am very close with). I’ve actually started questioning the tenets of compassion and martyrdom with them in the past and they bristled rather strongly so I dropped it.
Ah, there you have uncovered one reason for maintaining this habit of remaining passive – loyalty. Excellent.
There is no need to “questioning the tenets of compassion and martyrdom with them”, you only need to question those “tenets of compassion and martyrdom” with yourself. Be courageous to leave the nest because remaining in the fold of “tribal allegiances” has only served to keep you imprisoned with their demands of “suffering together” (com-passion).
You do not need, nor can you change others. The only person you can and need to change is yourself.
Scout: I guess their compassion, like mine, is limited in scope and does not extend its mercy to those who don’t subscribe to a similar world view. At any rate, it definitely doesn’t help anyone to linger in pain just because other people are in pain, for whatever reason. (link)
Ha, that is a high prize for receiving a sense of allegiance, don’t you think?
Here is a snippet of conversation feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had with Richard on that very topic in 1997 –
R: I remember you and I having a conversation about loyalty the second or third time you came here. You were realising that you had loyalty to hold you back.
Q2: Yes, it took a while for me to work through. It is a feeling of belonging, and when I dismantled what loyalty is made up of then it loses its virtue.
R: It is connected with belonging? To a particular group? So all these group therapies that people do, they would not question that loyalty, would they? Because they belong to that very group that is running the therapies. The whole thing of the commune.
Q(2): It’s a new loyalty – away from the family and toward the commune.
R: Whereas I am only interested in being rid of loyalty altogether – however strange that may initially seem. [Emphasis added].
(Richard, Audiotaped Dialogues, Compassion Gained through Forgivenness Binds).
There are more details on this topic in “Basic to Full Freedom” if you are interested.
Be courageous and begin to take your life into your own hands. You already made the first step in discovering what is presently holding back.
Cheers Vineeto