Leila's journal

Journals
55

ok i went for my afternoon walk: enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive …even though i was feeling good but i noticed that my mind is running and i am just day dreaming …

i catch my self between day dreaming …it was all about me me me …thinking …and all of a sudden a loud honk of a car scared me …

i looked back there was a car with 4 boys seating in it , laughing and looking at me …my heart was beating like a bird and my mouth was open looking at them …

it took me awhile til i get back to normal …but i was still in shock …

i told myself ok remember they (henrry claudio migule srinath ) said go back to feeling good …i tried , but my mind did not let me …and started this conversation :why did they honk , why were they laughing at me ? why and why?

i noticed that i am checking myself to see if something wrong with my cloth or anything funny about it …and then telling myself : " it is silly …just let go and go back to feeling good ." …
but no i could not ,and i was day dreaming …and my mind started to say : " you have waisted 2 hours , you are not gonna make it ,you are not even gonna become virtually free .let alone to be actually free , you are not even close ,you didn’t even have any PCEs …maybe in your dreams you become actually free …

i noticed that i am rushing to come home and i am frowning …

now i have a question: since my mind talks alot , "day dream "alot …what did Geofrry and srinath do to stop this thinking and day dreaming…?

because if i dont pay attention my mind is gonna take me from here to there …i find it very hard to bring myself back to this moment of being alive most of the times …especially in the evenings …

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@leila " i find it very hard to bring myself back to this moment of being alive most of the times …especially in the evenings"

James: Asking oneself ‘haietmoba’ each moment again is very good “to bring myself back to this moment again”. I thought of this to tell you while sitting at the lake and this reminded me also to ask haietmoba. Then I asked myself haietmoba and it helped me to tune in to the purity of the universe.

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The thing is that you will fall for it again. As long a self is present you can’t fully “escape” it. But that’s not the point here. The point is to come to a level where you can just nip it in the bud, so that it doesn’t escalate any further. Your pulling the plug so to speak. The trigger level goes from 10 down to 7,5,2,1 and so on. At one point it doesn’t bother you at all. You can go happy and harmless within a few seconds.

So the main issue seems to be validation, which is tied to self-worth. If you seek validation, then the obverse is also true: You will feel hurt by criticism. So you have to find out why you seek validation in the first place to lessen the other side of the coin. Can you see that?

Leila: ‘I’ think/feel people should love me, like me, show me how good, important, cute, intelligent, tender I am etc.

But… that’s not gonna happen.
Some people will, but most will not. Why should they? They don’t need to. People are generally not like that (human condition, just lazy, busy etc). Most people will somewhat fulfill their social protocol and that’s it. They have no obligation whatsoever. And that’s perfectly fine.

Did you have any PCE yet? Because when you had an PCE you’ll immediately see that it doesn’t matter how people see you and react towards you. The whole matter of self-worth is utterly non existant. There is no self to have any worth. Worth doesn’t mean a thing. You are a sentient and reflective human beeing (intelligent per se) and that’s all there is to it. A body has no worth, it is already established, a fact. It looks out to stay healthy and goes on having fun.

If you hadn’t any PCE yet, then it’s a bit more tricky, because you have no reference point yet.
Claudiu made a really great suggestion. You have to inquire. You’ll find the culprit eventually.

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You and everyone else :slight_smile: Don’t worry because this is what we’re all working through on some level. You can fast track your progress if you can manage to have fun with investigating and observing yourself. Turn into a scientist and observe yourself like you’re studying a new species. Remember that you’ll make mistakes and misunderstandings, and that you need to walk a fine line between taking other’s advice and being your own authority. This is a part I imagine everyone struggles with, either leaning to one side or the other.

I’m so excited to have you here @leila. It’s nice to have women participating and I hope more start to become interested in Actual Freedom. I hope you find it as rewarding as I have so far.

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A useful way to look at it is ‘fascination’

You’re not to where looking at these emotions is fun, but can you find fascination with how you operate? You’re a human alive on the earth with a certain strange & interesting way of operating!

This fascination can mount & create its own momentum which can become fun

I’m really happy to hear that it’s been getting easier for you!

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:sweat_smile: no apology needed! I’m really glad we have a discussion space where you’re able to talk through your feelings and process like you did here. It’s also a good sign that even though you felt very angry, you saw how it was your reaction (“there is still anger … even though he has not hurt me”) and you were able to let the feelings subside without suppressing them. If there were actualism reward points you would get some :smiley: .

I also thought it might be good for me to explain more where I am coming from with the comments on the translation, so you can “appreciate” my position more (this is an interesting thing in English, “appreciate” can also mean “to fully understand” – I wonder if the new Farsi word you found can have a similar meaning?).

Now it is very possible you already translated everything perfectly, and not a single word needs to be changed. But it’s also possible that there are either mistakes, or if not mistakes, things that can be done better. And this isn’t because you are “Leila” who “makes mistakes” :sweat_smile: It’s something that’s true with anything people do. Things can generally always be improved, and it’s rare that the first or second or third version is the best version.

Even Richard and Vineeto are not immune from mistakes. I frequently have e-mailed Vineeto with mistakes I saw on the AFT site, and she corrected them. We recently found some wording on the home page that could be improved, and Srinath e-mailed Vineeto and they changed it very quickly. And even ‘big’ mistakes – around 2012/2013 or so, they literally went through every instance of using the word “pure intent” on the entire website and changed some of them to “sincere intent” or “naive intent”, to be more accurate.

Also it took me like more than 5 years to realize, over and over, that the actualism method really is just enjoying and appreciating being alive, by feeling good as much as possible. So I know how hard it can be to really understand the method and the writings fully, from my own experience.

So when I’m pointing out possible issues with translation, I’m coming at it from this perspective ^, not from a “Leila in particular doesn’t know anything” perspective :sweat_smile:

And also I didn’t know I was right. I really can’t evaluate how good your translation is, because I don’t speak the language. It is clear that you put a lot of time into it and did your best – which is to be commended – but just because you put a lot of yourself into it… doesn’t mean it’s perfect! :sweat_smile: sorry but that’s just the way things work in the world hehe.

But you can probably see how you have an ‘identity’ around the translations, you feel attached to them, you get defensive if someone even suggests a problem with it. That is all normal, nothing to beat yourself up about – but you can probably see how it actually ends up preventing you from doing the best you can (like finding a better word for ‘appreciation’ than the one you already used).

So in any case I didn’t know there was any issue with the word… it’s just that, I saw that if you hadn’t really spent a lot of time thinking about the difference of these two words in English (gratitude, and appreciation) , that it’s possible you chose the Farsi word closer to “gratitude” rather than one closer to “appreciation” (if there even are these different words). It’s not guaranteed that you did… but it was a possibility. So that is why I suggested taking a closer look :smiley: .

And also personally I don’t think there is anything ‘wrong’ with doing a translation, then improving it over time, as you learn more things or find better words etc. It can be an iterative process… doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’ from the start :slight_smile:

Yes! Same with everyone here haha. Except the actually free. We prevent peace on earth, until we don’t… seeing this is a good motivation to continue!

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Yes exactly! I was just thinking that ‘appreciate’ means something like ‘to recognize the value of’. That’s why it works for art too (appreciating art) and also appreciating a position or argument or situation etc. There’s a recognition in it. Etymologically in English it comes from Latin “to set a price to”, “ad-” to/toward and “pretium” price, as in the sense of using judgement to figure out the value of it so you can set a price to it. It looks like you found exactly the same word in Farsi :smiley:

Yes it’s like you enjoy this moment of being alive… and you appreciate this moment of being alive… as in, recognizing that it is your only moment of being alive, and valuing this moment highly. I also find you can appreciate enjoying the moment of being alive too :smiley: Like I can recognize that I am enjoying being alive, and valuing that enjoyment of being alive. Interestingly, the enjoyment itself of being alive, is the way that I appreciate the moment of being alive. The appreciation is done by the feeling of enjoyment !

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So you appreciate the feeling of enjoyment ?

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I can appreciate the feeling of enjoyment as well.

But what I was saying is that the feeling of enjoyment is the way that I appreciate this moment of being alive. The appreciation is done via the enjoyment. The “way” that I appreciate this moment of being alive… is by enjoying this moment of being alive! It goes hand in hand.

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:laughing: you can translate it… but please add a note to it that Claudiu wants it to be read with this understanding: “Please note this was written by a feeling-being who has not become actually free yet, and the most reliable reports, explanations, descriptions, advice, etc. for becoming free are to be found on the Actual Freedom Trust website: http://actualfreedom.com.au/ .”

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Take this offer from @claudiu, @leila: I don’t think you’ll get a better one :smiling_face:

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Good! :+1:

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When you want me to like your post, it seems like you’re trying to get me to, and I don’t want to! When I see something that resonates for me I like it.

It’s ok if not everything resonates. Maybe I don’t have experience with something, or maybe I disagree about something.

No amount of likes on posts will cause either of us to become free, it takes something else. I prefer for it to be genuine because then a more genuine conversation can happen.

I don’t have any ill will for you - I want the very best for you! But I thought I might explain :slight_smile:

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How are you feeling now, @leila ?

I appreciate that you wrote out what you wrote, I can see the sincerity in it

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Hi Leila,

Something that might help here… … is to see that you are your feelings, and your feelings are you. Even though you might experience yourself as something other than your feelings, as an entity that “has” feelings… the fact is that you actually are those very feelings. Your feelings don’t ‘want’ anything separate from what ‘you’ want… what your feelings want is what you want. And you can deny this but that doesn’t change the fact :smiley:

So if I were to re-write your post here with this in mind it would look more like this.

If you think of it more like this… then it might be clearer what it is you want and why you want it!

About “i want to get rid of me”, I can relate to this feeling, but… you can’t get rid of yourself! It’s simply impossible. So… you just have to learn to live with yourself :slight_smile: . We can read the reports of people who have successfully self-immolated, and know that it’s possible to be conscious without a ‘self’, but… that isn’t done by ‘me’ getting rid of ‘myself’. It’s something else that happens.

So until that happens… given that you are ‘forced’ to live with yourself, 24/7… it makes sense to try and be your own best friend, to be on good terms with yourself, treat yourself with kindness, don’t be so hard on yourself, etc… You won’t ‘lose’ anything of value by doing it.

This is basically being ‘harmless’ to yourself. (being harmless is very crucial and it consists of both being harmless to yourself and being harmless to others). And because of this being harmless to yourself, you’ll be a lot happier! And by being happier, you will have better interactions with the people around you, and they will probably be happier too, and more harmless, etc…

I hope it helps!

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That’s good! When you’re feeling ok is a good time to go back in and try and analyze the difficult feelings from yesterday. You may find that it’s easier to make sense of the situation today

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There is no need to be ashamed, these are all things that we all experience and get up to. It’s the baseline of where we all start from

There is nothing for it but to get going toward feeling good, however you can do that. Continue toward understanding yourself, as I’ve seen you doing. Little by little you’re figuring it out :raised_hands:t2:

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The things we’re looking for are really pretty simple… love from the group, validation that’s we are ‘good’ so that we can feel safe

But it’s never enough, even when they give us validation we go looking for more and more

And we don’t need it anyway… we are safe, these modern times are quite safe. We’re just instinctively wanting it. We don’t have to do it anymore

It’s very challenging, but the possibility is there. Life can be wonderful, even more wonderful, without needing and depending on that for happiness.

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i realized that i am addicted to think about the past , and not being here [now] !!!
last night i was sitting upright in my bed , looking at the window and the sky , i realized that instead of being here , all my attention is on what i wrote here , or what i did before , the things that i had written , and so on , so that i giggle or i feel ashamed or even to feel being cute , to have bad or good feelings ! instead of being here [ now ] !

maybe that is why i made or i make a lot of dramas !?because i relive in the past ! i was telling myself " but i can not have any PCEs if i don’t be here [ now ] ! imitating the actual means living this moment , or let this moment live you [ now ] …
and at that time of this realization i could say that " i am actually my feelings and this is me that keeps me away from here [ now ] , by making stories , that who said what and why he did not say hi …i am addicted to escape from here , from now …because i feel now is not enough .me does not want now …it wants to perpetuate sadness …the hurts , the endless suffering of the past , because it is itself sadness …
i see that this me is keeping me busy with these fantasies , with these schemes , these stories !

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It’s very simple basically, but it feels much deeper of course. Validation means beeing seen, beeing heard, beeing accepted. This in return means security within a group. People will stand up for you, protect you and later even your offspring. Without validation we don’t really know where we stand. If it’s secure for me in this “harsh world”. Basically you are raising your survival chances and that feels good, right, correct. Feelings arise, but they don’t last for too long. So we go on seeking it from others. The next click, the next dose, the next high. It’s a addiction that a vast number of people share today. Especially prominent in the internet social age. You have seen this correctly. But this is nothing to be ashamed of at all. It’s something to keep in mind and be observant of while doing it. Look at your feelings, look at your body movements when your hand reaches your phone etc. Be aware of it in real-time. It feels funny, but it is helpful to see this whole process happening in front of your eyes. Do it by any means. But be aware of it while doing it and check your emotional responses. This might give you some insights into it. Be patient and kind to yourself. It takes time. Don’t jump the gun here.

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