Kub933's Journal

Yea! Richard found a new word for this recently: mirific / mirificient / mirificience

Nice! Although it probably won’t assist with the below kinds of situations when I also start throwing words like mirificient about :joy:

Looking a bit more at this fear of being an alien I can see that for most part it does not matter. We are past the days where someone will call the police on me or burn me at the stake for being a little odd. I can see that for most part people can just have me down as that “kinda nice guy who keeps looking out the window and talking about mirificience” :joy: In fact most people who know me already see me as a little odd in certain ways and it’s absolutely fine.

I can see there are 2 aspects though which I am still hung up on. 1 is work, especially my weekend work, I am there to work under a certain image, I am meant to be the sexy naked butler, will I forget about or fail to carry out this role sufficiently when I am too busy with the wonder at being here. Also customer service work, will I blurt out to someone that it doesn’t matter that their mattress is not here yet, life is not a serious business after-all! Will I fail to indulge a certain level of seriousness that they crave when something has gone wrong.

2 is my BJJ training, without seriousness will I be more concerned with enjoying and appreciating rather than grinding and being seen as the best, and with this my reputation will slowly decline. And this brings me to the nature of the hang ups. Essentially I am still wanting to be valued in that ‘orthodox mode’, of course no-one can value something they do not understand/experience so they are left with boxing it into ‘weird’ and kind of putting it to the side.

So there is no genuine danger in proceeding, the ‘danger’ to me is not being held in high esteem by people who cannot understand my experience. Ending up “Nice, but kinda odd and a bit of a looser”.

Funnily enough I would probably get those description already haha, maybe sans the looser part, I am still invested in avoiding that one.

I think these concerns are mostly resolved with consideration for others involved - it’s true that usually just telling a customer that it doesn’t matter that their mattress hasn’t arrived won’t help the situation. With an awareness of them and where they’re at, you can act in a way that is most likely to give results (as far as you can tell). Where previously you have acted according to th rules of engagement, with ever-greater enjoyment you can transition to actual caring in which you are genuinely interested in their welfare.

Probably no surprise that you’ll find better results with actual caring than in just following the pre-set lip service rules.

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I find myself drawn to appreciation almost all the time now, it began with appreciating Richard and since has expanded into appreciating this universe, this body and my fellow human beings. It’s almost on constantly now, I find that there is so much that is precious all around. I am still not sure what is required for this to carry all the way through to actual freedom but I am determined to find out. For now I am focused on cranking this up as much as is humanly possible.

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Re-reading one of Richard’s latest articles had a profound effect on me, it was the one about human beings coming already equipped to actualise their destiny. I realised how precious each human being is simply by virtue of existing, what a wonderful achievement it is to even exist in the first place and to be making one’s way through the world.

I see it now whenever I observe my fellow human beings, that potential that Vinneto mentioned, it is clear how it operates even in those who are still squarely trapped within the human condition, those who are not even aware that the third alternative exists, and yet this potential is right there, it is displayed through their kindness, and how impressive it is that this potential still finds a way to be activated.

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I am daring to consider arriving at a place, whilst still a feeling being, where there is virtually only enjoyment and appreciation left, this seems to be the place for take off towards an actual freedom.

I find it interesting what Vineeto wrote about allowing appreciation and how this can melt away some of the last barriers that ‘I’ have. This is exactly what has been happening, it’s like before ‘I’ was dearly holding onto the last few aspects of ‘my’ identity, the last couple of dramas that were keeping ‘me’ glued to ‘humanity’.

Allowing appreciation into those last dramas is indeed melting them away but the fascinating thing is that without those last dramas there is only enjoyment and appreciation left. It’s pretty bizarre that this is possible, that ‘I’ can arrive at a place where whichever way ‘I’ look there is virtually only enjoyment and appreciation left. Where it’s no longer possible to even come up with reasons as to why life on earth is some kind of a sick joke apparently, sorrow and malice can no longer be sustained.

A week ago I had an experience of this, a glimpse of what life is like when there is no longer any aspect of the ‘who’ left, where I am only a what, and therefore I am no longer separated from the perfection and purity by anything that is ‘human’. Then whichever way I look there is only perfection, it’s not so much an escape from the human condition, the human condition itself is eradicated and one lives the fact that there is only perfection.

But the fascinating thing is, and I always doubted this, is that ‘I’ can arrive at this virtual freedom where although ‘I’ am still in existence, ‘I’ cannot help but enjoy and appreciate, there is just nothing else left to do, every other distraction has been seen for what it is. This seems like the place for ‘take off’ because if there is only perfection and purity left, if there is only enjoyment and appreciation to be done, then what am ‘I’ still hanging about for?

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Very interesting! If you have indeed dealt with the last dramas that tie you to humanity, ‘you’ might not be hanging around for long! What you describe sounds like the last days of ‘Vineeto’.

I thought I was there once, for a few weeks in 2021, but it turned out I was still placing a few conditions on life that came back to bite me hard and taught me that a seemingly virtually free ‘me’ is still a complete ‘me’ that can come roaring back to life.(a valuable lesson in itself).

Why say this to you now? Not to be a downer, but rather, if you find yourself in a place so good it doesn’t seem to matter if you go the final yards… it does :smiley:

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So just to be clear the dramas have not been eradicated yet but there is movement on this front, whereas before they seemed to be locked in place and would not budge. And there is movement because I am daring to allow appreciation to permeate into every aspect of ‘my’ life. As in no longer being content to place any conditions, or play that game at all.

As Vineeto wrote it is kind of overwhelming at times, because those last boundaries are so dear to ‘me’ and allowing appreciation to be poured over them is dissolving them. If I do allow it though there is something very magical that happens, there is something so precious there.

For some reason this post of Geoffrey’s has been popping up into my mind :

RICHARD:I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity.

Who is that ‘me’, if not humanity?
‘I’ am humanity. And as such, ‘my’ destiny can be achieved.
“Pleasant and wholesome” could become a refuge, a hiding place, for an individual ‘I’, a special ‘I’, fortified in dissociation from the dark soil of humanity by its acquired ‘actualist identity’.
If one is to be humanity, then nothing of humanity shall be foreign to one.
“The psyche is a frightful place” indeed.
What is it that Richard admires about ‘me’? Daring, and audacity.

There is something so admirable in this whole state of affairs that we find ourselves in. I guess this is the potential that Vineeto wrote about. This potential is already in ‘me’ and also in ‘humanity’.

Just to be clear there is nothing admirable about the wars and the rapes and the suicides, it is this potential which is precious and what is admirable is that it finds a way to be activated even as ‘me’.

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Sounds brilliant. Nothing to say but
:appreciation: :hibiscus:

It is so lovely when these things come together, Richard’s article has been on my mind a lot - Marvelling At How Well-Equipped Human Beings Are.

and now looking at Geoffrey’s post it makes sense :

RICHARD:I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity.

Who is that ‘me’, if not humanity?
‘I’ am humanity. And as such, ‘my’ destiny can be achieved.
“Pleasant and wholesome” could become a refuge, a hiding place, for an individual ‘I’, a special ‘I’, fortified in dissociation from the dark soil of humanity by its acquired ‘actualist identity’.
If one is to be humanity, then nothing of humanity shall be foreign to one.
“The psyche is a frightful place” indeed.
What is it that Richard admires about ‘me’? Daring, and audacity.

In short both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ are equipped to actualise our birthright and destiny. But this will not be done by an individual ‘I’, a special ‘I’, fortified in dissociation from the dark soil of humanity by its acquired ‘actualist identity’.

‘I’ am ‘humanity’ and as such ‘my’ destiny can be achieved.

So… guess what this post is going to be about? :joy: More appreciation!
It’s really fun inserting appreciation into ‘my’ dramas and then seeing what becomes of them.

This thing that clicked now makes me think back to that typical science vs religion thing where apparently without God the universe is an empty place, that if you reduce the universe to physical phenomena only, it makes it somewhat less interesting or less meaningful.

But actually it’s the other way around, it is inserting this story of a god who made the earth in 7 days etc that is less interesting. If one considers the mind blowing complexity and the immaculate simplicity that exemplifies the workings of this universe, this makes the ‘god story’ pale in comparison. The metaphysical explanation actually robs one from being able to fully appreciate the wondrous workings of this universe.

And I notice ‘I’ am equally robbing enjoyment and appreciation by inserting ‘myself’ into each situation. ‘I’ arrogate responsibility and in the process ‘I’ obscure the wondrous workings of life. I notice this when ‘I’ want to know how a situation will play out before it happens, ‘I’ want to know the solution without having first encountered the problem. It is probably some security seeking aspect of the instinctual programme but the outcome is a lack of actual involvement and hence a lack of fulfilment.

This is somewhat alluded to when people say “it is not about the destination but the journey” what they are trying to get at is the fact that when ‘I’ am only concerned with placing another feather in ‘my’ cap, in order to grow ‘myself’ even larger and thus generate more ‘security’ then ‘I’ miss out on experiencing first hand the wondrous workings of life - and this is where fulfilment is to be found, in the actual living out of life which must by definition entail a full involvement - the solution cannot be known before the problem is tasted, this would indeed lead to an imperfect universe, an empty one, a boring one, and luckily we find ourselves in a perfect one.

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I find the below is the only means of ‘investigation’ which is ultimately required :

From Milito’s journal

Also I can say with the utmost confidence that I as ‘doer’ has been extinct since 2016. So I have not been ‘doing’ anything as such. I have been busy however BEING every single motha-effin’ feeling while simultaneously having the goal of living the PCE 24/7 for the rest of my life on my mind

This is such a powerful thing to do, not to think about one’s feelings, not even just feeling them, but ‘being’ those feelings. Because by fully ‘being’ those feelings there is no possibility to be anything but fully aware of every single aspect of the thing, this is full involvement, as far as ‘I’ can go as a feeling being. And this exquisite attention engendered by ‘being’ the feeling fully is enough to dissolve the thing over time.

The way I see it these days is like a hierarchy, initially one may only be able to intellectually approach the feeling, this is working from the greatest distance, then one begins allowing oneself to feel those feelings but there is still this split between the doer and the beer. Then one realises that one is those very feelings and experiences from there, this is the most direct and the most transformative level.

Most of the time these days when I find myself wanting to escape onto the lower rungs of that ladder, eg I find there is a pull towards intellectualisation (thinking about the feeling) or there is a drive to moralise the feelings (feeling the feelings) then I am wasting time, the thing to do which works most directly is to go ahead and ‘be’ that feeling, then this feeling is ‘me’ in operation, this is where the situation is ripe for change to take place.

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Also it’s crazy that when I talk about feelings these days I am talking about tiny blips, as opposed to huge mountains that I would experience in the past. It’s like if there was a scale from 0-10, those problematic feelings never even get above say 3 on that scale, whereas in the past they would readily roar into the top numbers. I guess this is partly why I find it easier to ‘be’ those feelings, because in the past I almost had to place a bit of a buffer, otherwise it felt like I would be overwhelmed, as in like faint or go crazy or something haha. Whereas now I can go ahead and ‘be’ whatever feeling fully, as they are experienced more like a nuisance getting in the way of perfection and purity rather than a monster I am running from.

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OK some more reasons why one may not be allowing oneself to ‘be’ ones feelings :

It seems there is an aspect related to maintaining control, as in the social identity wants to comment and shape these raw feelings into a story-line that is more palatable, or even a story line that ‘I’ am used to, in line with who ‘I’ am.
So for example allowing myself to ‘be’ a feeling of shame might go against the narrative that ‘I’ as social identity hold with regards to ‘my’ place in the group, an image which ‘I’ have been asserting all this time.
There is a fear that ‘I’ will find out something that ‘I’ simply cannot accept to be the case, yet this is ‘me’, so of course playing that game of deluding oneself is ultimately going to lead to hurt in one way or another. There has to be a willingness to invite change, because this new information will shift things in ways which simply do not align with the image ‘I’ have of ‘myself’ as a social identity.

There seems to be something like a radical sincerity required in order to ‘be’ one’s feelings, because then ‘I’ might as well throw any image of ‘myself’ out the window, it cannot be sustained in light of what is about to be unleashed haha. But this is a great thing actually, because one’s social identity will inevitably crumble at these experiences and one becomes more genuine.

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So lately I have had these experiences of briefly seeing others as flesh and blood bodies only. It happened the other day when I was looking at some pictures of my mum, it was quite astounding to realise that I have never actually seen her. Who I saw my whole life was a phantom of my own creation and now all of a sudden I saw a fellow human being, I saw her as she actually is, super fascinating!

The other one happened in person yesterday when I briefly saw Sonya in the same way, it was like this whole cloud of stuff which I was previously relating with disappeared and indeed there was simply a flesh and blood body in front of me.
These experiences have been weird though because they are not full blown PCEs, it seems ‘I’ am still there in some degree but somehow getting a glimpse of the actual state of affairs, or perhaps it is ‘me’ commenting on the experience from the position of abeyance.

Either way the fascinating thing is that when only flesh and blood bodies remain then also all of the dramas disappear, because all of the dramas related only to those phantoms which are no longer extant. I can see how some people could see this as ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ because it is an extreme solution, it goes right to the core of the problem and eliminates the very ‘entities’ that cause the problems in the first place. Then with flesh and blood bodies left there is nothing left to fight about or get sorrowful about. Looking at Sonya and seeing a flesh and blood body only there is nothing that could possibly get hooked onto with regards to sorrow and malice.

But it is a weird experience, in a fascinating way, that indeed others are made of stuff only, skin, eyes, hair etc I guess you can’t get any clearer about this than “flesh and blood bodies” haha.