I was going to say then; what specific thing can you circle about that incident as a “flashing red light” to avoid this drama next time?
Actually I am more interested in taking this a step further. As in using this particular incident to become progressively more aware of this feature - of feeling others out and then the subsequent reactionary responses which arise from this.
Demarcating this mechanism successfully means it can be contrasted with and separated away from that which is actual.
Right now I can experientially hold up 2 modes of existing as a human being :
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There is the ‘me’ as feeling being who is forever trapped in this drama with no way out. ‘He’ can become progressive more aware of ‘his’ inner workings and how they will never deliver the goods.
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Then there is the experience of purity which shows a place where those issues simply do not exist.
Right now I am this kinda split personality conglomeration that bounces from one to the other 
So actually it is kinda difficult right now to answer a question following like the standard actualism procedure of - find trigger, set alarm, nip in bud.
It seems mostly for me right now its a case of seeing where pure intent is not operant and then getting out of the way again - then I am in that place where all is easy once more.
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Hehe this happened a few times with me with my partner. I was sure they were mad at me for something I did. I was worried, resentful of them, upset … and later found out they were concerned about something that had nothing to do with me.
It felt so real and like it must be true and my resentfulness and anger felt so justified … yet it was completely wrong, a completely false structure/edifice.
After a few times I learned to simply not take any credence in such things and that it’s silly to worry about it, and that I let my partner voice an issue if they have one. Works much better!
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Hmm, maybe don’t water it down so much.
What if you could indeed “nip it in the bud”.
It’s an awkward metaphor from a generation twice removed from yourself, but what it is describing is ultimately self-immolation.
I am, of course, theorising from my faux suede couch; I have more than just a “bud” to nip here!!.
Yeah this is what always fascinates/ slightly concerns me lol
There is also this :
And also your posts which paint a picture of someone who feels themselves to be a kind of - provider, protector, martyr for others, especially the younger generation.
@Andrew… Are you trying to be my dad? 
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Luke, I am your father.
I am still doing all the normal stuff though, things are still noticed, questioned, nipped in bud etc But it is just that this seems to be quite habituated now and sorta always going on in the background and the main focus is moving towards allowing purity. That’s the best way I can describe what it’s been like for a while now.
On a less serious note; I am going to going to beat you to the finish line, if I have anything to do with it.
I am reminded of Srinath, how he knew he had to “get a run up” because he knew that all the normal demands were going to make it hard to “do it”.
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Not if you want to be a true protector, then I will need to go first and you stay behind 
Ah, I already know I am no one’s father,
I am a “nebulous blob” which somehow became an identity.
Haha, he actually said he thought he would, not that this was necessarily the case 
Go straight for freedom ‘vertical ascent’ fashion. A prolonged period of virtual freedom might be appropriate for some, but in my busy life it may increase the risk of my losing momentum or getting out of it – or so I thought at the time.
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Hmm. Well, I await your report so I can mis-quote it too.
For me this whole thing was a bit of a thorn in my side for ages actually.
The problem was that I always believed that actualism is some form of discipline. Why because everything else I had ever done took that format.
So there was this neurotic obsession of - did I follow all the steps of the recipe in the precise order they should go in? Even when I was already feeling good! I would start worrying about the fact that I didn’t get to feeling good by using the exact recipe, and I would make myself feel bad about it
When I spoke to Geoffrey on zoom I was actually kinda scared to ask this question, I thought he would out me as a fake actualist “oh you mean you been doing step 1, 3 and 5 but not step 4? unacceptable” lol.
But of course he reminded me that the method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, it can be that simple.
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Right!!!
That is going to be the exclusive focus of this weekend’s mushroom trip.
I saw that I was a feeling. There was an identity that formed around me to justify that feeling.
There really only is that complete enjoyment which could possibly undo me.
To happily give up being an identity, it to give up that feeling.
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The entire theme of the last part of 2022 and so far this year has been seeing that Richard was being absolutely explicit in what he described.
The “identity that lived in this body all those years ago” isn’t a turn of phrase.
Give up one’s identity; self-immolate.
Hehe yes all literal descriptions
This is the key realisation for me.
I keep swinging between two worlds, one the egoic neurotic fixing even suffering seeking world and the pristine, pure world of enjoying and appreciating this present moment of being alive and being happy and harmless.
I’m about done with the first draft of a book, it was initially called The Way of the Open Hand, Effortless Joy beyond the Self that seeks suffering and now thinking of renaming it The End of Seeking - effortless joy beyond…
The Way of the Open hand referring to the relaxed non resistant people as they are the world as it is mindset versus the self contracted chasing seeking wanting changing resistant mindset.
The ego is primed to seek suffering if we take two definitions of suffering - one being resistance to the present moment, and the second being I dont like how things are, and want to change things.
And almost every thought of mine I realised was one of those two modes.
There are two parts of me I dislike the most, one is the irritable snappy me, the other is the insecure, neurotic me continually replaying scenarios wondering if I had fucked up and how to address the situation so it doesnt occur in future. I would layer neuroticism as a massive part of a larger unattractive lack of masculinity that would drive the self flagellating knife in deeper.
Going on this journey has made me realise that I should accept people as they are, the world as it is.
And stepping out into past or future, replaying them to gain insights (usually self flagellatory or neurotic) is a counterproductive process from the get go.
Couple of things I have been neurotic about recently was speaking too much and possibly being a little critical at a couple of team meetings, one where the big shots of the hospital were present.
What comes up for me is that you, like me, are a people pleaser. You werent a cunt in any way to the person, and it was your way of reviewing things to find out if indeed you could or should trust your intuition, and see how best you could serve them in future.
Whilst this thinking can at times be practically useful, when taken to an extreme by thinking about it for more than a few minutes, is where it can get counterproductive.
Maybe something you did did piss him off, maybe I did piss off the big shots at the meeting by being critical or maybe he stubbed his toe, and they appreciated my candour.
Who gives a fuck either way?
The end result is it comes in the way of appreciating and enjoying the preesent moment (this past or future is a harsh mistress if we repeatedly make our home in them, resisting the present moment, the world as it is, people as they are (including ourselves), wanting to change things from this (perfect) set of conditions to a different set of conditions that more to our liking (thank you Claudiu)).
The end result is it comes in the way of happiness, and is a form of self harm.
When I was writing my book I came to the conclusion that all that was expected of me was kindness to myself and others, and practical self care towards myself and others i.e. happy and harmless. And it was good to read Srinath’s realisations that care was a big part of his final self immolation in AF.
And maybe whats more important than what was troubling stubby toed guy, or my big shots, is stepping back into our priorities when we veer off course or swing into the less preferred of the ego - purity extremes.
Back on track to realising this is affecting my happiness, its not harmless. Let me practically care for myself and appreciate this present moment of being alive. If there are emotions or beliefs to be dismantled, then do it in a focused targeted manner, versus being lost in them for hours, days or weeks.
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Yes indeed, people pleasing, highly self critical and neurotic would do well in describing the core themes of my life. It’s funny how this kind of personality would often hide under the guise of ‘I’m just a perfectionist’ when really it is insecurity in disguise, it is the fear of allowing an error that defines the perfectionist.
I wonder though if these themes would apply to all people, kinda like the statements that a mind reader would use, statements that simply apply to all personalities - eg “you tend to keep people at a distance at first before allowing them to get closer” lol.
Either way they certainly apply to me, it seems like where they come from is a double edged sword, because as much as I am liable to fall into perfectionism/neuroticism I am also quite perceptive and persistent in getting to the bottom of things no matter what.
It seems that the difference between neuroticism and a keen intellect is emotion. As in it is because I am already feeling bad that my already super active mind is now emotion fed too. This same mind is capable of some pretty incredible things when it is not under the assault of emotion.
What I have found is that the answer to being a perfectionist cannot be to “stop giving a fuck” that is merely jumping from one identity to its opposite. It is about finding the third alternative, that option which exists outside of the dichotomy of perfectionist vs careless.
Although this one has not been found yet, tis an intricate mess to untangle 
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I have noticed that “jumping between identities” aspect a lot lately.
Ye Olde “swinging to the opposite”.
In quite a few interactions lately, when I have been feeling frustrated at being the latest scapegoat in others incompetence, I realised that it was exactly because of the others incompetence that there was factually nothing to worry about; I just had to play the game until it was over.
Because part of flipping to another version, the not giving a fuck me, only played the antagonist to the " lump it all on the contractor" game to start with.
I had already gone down the “I don’t care” route to counter the already in place “I absolutely care” habit.
Yet, there was always the alternative of going down neither route. Sticking to the facts.
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