Yeah I have solid memories of the me who comes out to play every now and then, he lives in a solid confidence. A confidence that does not come from being faultless but rather from being me as I am, without pretence.
This confidence seems organic as opposed to generated.
I remember Srinath writing that there is a certain ‘que sera sera’ aspect that comes with actual freedom - this is what this confidence/safety seems to be based in, that ultimately nothing can go wrong and that life is complete as it is right now.
You have a way with words. It’s organic definitely.
Some people have a far better natural disposition which is that organic aspect coming through, whilst others are far more contrived, constantly checking in with the inner measure of “am I good enough?”.
However, whatever level of apparent organicness is there, it’s all a show.
There is a gentleness that one must be towards oneself. An extreme nurture. To walk willingly and happily into the bright flame of oblivion.
I just came across 30 grams of mushrooms. So if you want to “get there first” you have perhaps 3 days. 
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Think you got your third alternative right there.
Also, its not at all about not giving a fuck, its about the exact opposite - caring (in the sense that Srinath felt was the missing link). But in a healthy way that doesnt get in the way of feeling good.
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I am on all 30 grams of those shrooms right now.
Identity every second with yet another feeling into infinity.
How boring!!!
Yet boring?
That doesn’t make sense does it?
Another feeling!!!
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Enjoying is the only thing that makes any sense at all!!!
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So many cool explorations surrounding the social identity today, I thought I would jot down a few :
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The reason why ‘I’ need constant reassurance from others is because ‘I’ am a fake. As ‘I’ am a fake ‘I’ need constant endorsement from other fakes, this is called bonding.
The downside of this set up is that ‘I’ depend on others for ‘my’ very existence, so whenever ‘I’ find myself estranged from the group and its values in whichever way, life looses meaning, ‘I’ fall into a depression etc. -
Related to the above, ‘I’ only know life through the framework (values, beliefs, principles etc) which ‘I’ took on as ‘my’ own and have been imitating since.
Which means that ‘my’ happiness is inevitably tied in with ‘my’ function as a group member. Consistently enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive necessitates a stepping out of this identity - no longer living life through this framework. -
This framework that ‘I’ took on, which is ‘me’, is completely faulty. Why? because it is principles which are not current to this moment which is happening now, principles that in themselves are not actual, therefore any imitation always misses the mark - ‘I’ live in a constant fear of failing to live up to these unliveable principles. ‘I’ then tie ‘myself’ in such elaborate knots to sell this dream, one that can never work - this is what a mature adult has got very good at doing, but at what cost!
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Simultaneously this living through the framework makes life bland, empty, flat. Why? Because the very act of living through the framework means a stepping back. Each situation is simply a reshuffling of the various beliefs and principles which are already in place, it is living life separated through a filter. What’s more is that ‘I’ then make plans and schemes which are nothing but grander structures made from the same material. All of it is separated from the direct experience of life as it is - and the direct experience of life as it is is where the dynamic, vital aspect is found, where I am the doing of what is happening - completely involved.
Therefore consistent enjoyment and appreciation necessitates a stepping outside of this framework so that each moment is attended to afresh. -
‘I’ resent the burden of being ‘me’ for the reasons above. ‘I’ am expected to make an impossible situation work and to continue trying no matter what - this is the social commandment.
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The funny thing is that as a social identity ‘I’ swallow the entire package of beliefs mainly out of fear of being cast out. However the very fear of loneliness is a belief in itself! I never saw this one before. They used a core, fundamental fear to make me comply with swallowing the rest of the package of beliefs.
Of course ‘my’ whole life ‘I’ go around thinking “I can’t openly challenge these beliefs because I will end up alone” and now I see that this fear of ostracisation is a belief in its own right lol. Guess what actually happens when I stop being a believer - nothing. Whereas I deeply believed they would burn me like a witch at the stake. -
Responsibility and obligation is forever at war with enjoyment and appreciation, this is part of the commandment. ‘I’ do not allow enjoyment and appreciation because ‘I’ believe that this gets in the way of ‘me’ fulfilling ‘my’ oath as a group member. Consistently enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive necessitates a stepping out of responsibility/obligation - this is made possible by pure intent.
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The bottom line is that life as it actually is is intrinsically enjoyable, this is what I had a taste of as a naive child and also have confirmed for myself since starting on the wide and wondrous path. The entire structure of ‘me’ as an identity diverts this intrinsic enjoyment and appreciation into something which has to be earned through sweat and tears. Then even once earned it is tainted in a way that can never match the purity of the actual. ‘I’ then live a life of shuttling from boredom/meaninglessness into anxiety/insecurity, interspersed with some ‘good’ feelings here and there to keep ‘me’ on this wheel forever.
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I got into a nice circular thing earlier which pointed to the fact that ‘my’ entire frame of reference is based on this framework handed down by society - it is all ‘I’ know and all ‘I’ am…
I am afraid of getting things ‘wrong’ (a belief) because I am scared of what will happen to me (a belief) when I fail to live up to the tenets (beliefs) of society. Seeing the entire package as false means there is no actual repercussions for stepping out, also stepping out is eminently sensible.
I think that’s it for now 
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So this seeing has been developing, I am experiencing more and more the what I am vs who I am, as in the line between the 2 is becoming clearer and clearer.
The main thing about the who I am is that he in his totality is the end product of conditioning, he is the conditioning, it’s kinda cool seeing this so clearly. But also funny because I have noticed that not only is it that my beliefs, values and basically my entire worldview is a borrowed picture but even my fears as to the various doomsday scenarios are equally a borrowed picture. I just saw this a minute ago that I couldn’t even come up with an original fear lol, that all of those scenarios which I am afraid of happening are just as corny and lacking in originality as the rest of my world view.
Thinking about it now it is kinda obvious, it just never clicked so well. That if I look around everyone is going around afraid of the same things, there is a clue there…They are the same because they are the images that have been conditioned into each individual, this clue is important because it shows that these things have nothing to do with fact. It’s like we have this limited amount of scenarios we managed to dream up - A,B,C…Z, these are conditioned into me in a way that life can only be considered through their lens. But being pre-cooked images they can never align with the actual, they are incorrect by their very nature. And all my fears are like this, which means none of it is genuine.
And of course everyone undergoes very similar conditioning so really there is only so much variety and apparent originality even when it concerns the things we fear haha.
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This is actually very hilarious the more I look into it! As an identity I really cannot do anything original. Getting offended, being afraid, planning and scheming it’s all equally copied from the same image.
Like we’re all plagiarising from the very same source and put in a little change of words here and there to make it appear original. Meanwhile the very structure of the piece is the same across the board.
And it’s not like the ‘original piece’ was ever an accurate depiction of what is actual to begin with!
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It’s like the pieces of Tetris are coming together here. It reminds me of what Geoffrey talks about in his report of becoming free - that we are all playing this enormous game that is completely ridiculous, how could it even be entertained. When those very values and beliefs come from the ancestors who divided the world into these categories based on completely primitive understanding. And I have spent my entire life pursuing and battling within this system. A system that is like Richard says - worse than puerile…
The various identities - man/woman, master/disciple, the good/evil etc it’s crazy that this stuff is entertained to the extent that it causes such chaos.
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All this leads me to the next line of questioning which has been there in the background for a while.
My question is - in a world free from belief, from this primitive depiction of what life is, could ‘I’ sustain myself as a feeling being.
Bearing in mind that the feeling being itself is a sense of self arising from the instinctual package, does it require all of this belief, all of this misunderstanding in order to continue existing? Is it that ‘I’ as a rudimentary self attach ‘myself’ to all these concepts in a desperate attempt to be real, to have more substance. And is it that with a total absence of belief, ‘I’ could not continue playing the same game.
It is a fascinating question because it is like the more I look into the worldview which is reality, the more I realise that it is all made of nothing but illusion, but no matter how far I dig in there is never a core ‘me’ to be discovered, of course.
Does ‘my’ existence as a feeling being require the continued existence of this primitive worldview? Do ‘I’ dissolve in the absence of belief?
I guess the reason I am drawn to this is because looking into how to self immolate there seems to be different possible paths so far. The one of ‘me’ trying to self immolate seems kinda faulty because it somehow re-affirms the very thing I am trying to dispose of.
It is ‘me’ trying really hard to accomplish something using the tools which themselves are faulty, the tools arise from within the illusion.
The way which I find myself drawn to instead is to continue coming across the what I am and to continue exposing the who I am. To continue ‘making the case’ as Srinath wrote until there is an inevitability to it all, where it can no longer be denied and something must happen now. Then ‘I’ am not needed for it to happen, it is just that ‘I’ fully agree to proceed down this path.
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It seems a bit circular to me, living completely without belief is just clear seeing / apperception. As long as there’s a ‘self’ of any kind (including shadow identity in newly-free), there’s some clouding. ‘self’ ‘Self’ creates an alternate world that it then lives in, ignoring the actual
Yes I can see this too, in seeing the facts ‘I’ can’t believe in ‘myself’ anymore and the whole thing stops
What ‘I’ do is allow myself to keep investigating, allow myself to experience more purity, allow myself to see what’s possible as well as the silliness that is ‘Me’
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“Pure contemplation … is the brain’s ability to make sense of the physical world as directly experienced by the senses, free of any imagination, affectation, concepts, traditions or beliefs. The universe is clearly seen as infinite, eternal and perfect with no ‘outside’ to it. Contemplation, when guided by pure intent and a relentless commitment to what is factual and actual, will inevitably free one from the grip of the instinctual passions of fear, aggression, nurture and desire that nestle in the bosom of every human being.”
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So looks like it is option 2 perhaps I wonder if something ‘extra’ has to be done though or if the process simply culminates in self immolation - as long the there is the intent to go all the way which was and is always there for me.
I always think about Alan, why is it that after such a prolonged state of virtual freedom it never carried through to actual freedom. This is what makes me wonder about something ‘extra’.
It seems when I was first getting to grips with actualism I was happy to ‘tick some boxes’ first before aiming for self immolation. Have some PCEs, actualise being happy and harmless in my day to day life, understand the ‘human condition’ thoroughly etc. It’s like nowadays the boxes are sufficiently ticked if I really want to look at it that way. So is it a case of continuing in the same way, chipping away or does something else have to take over completely 
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Part of this I think has to do with the shift from ‘the actualism method’ (the ‘doer’ doing the method) and ‘the actualism process’ (the ‘beer’ allowing the universe to carry one toward the end)
So yeah as long as you find yourself ‘doing,’ then you’re still in stage 1 which means you still have something to do. At some point the pure intent + experiential success gets to a point that it can be allowed to do its thing. It seems that for Geoffrey & Srinath this was a pretty short period of time.
I’ve been looking into this process a lot lately, it seems I’m teetering on the edge of some kind of virtual freedom, not quite ready to ‘allow it to happen.’
I feel I’m in exactly the same place. What’s left to do? I’ve been ramping up my obsession to find where my weak points, doubts, & remaining hangups are. Reading the AFT on every possible angle I can find. Experimenting with different approaches & running with whatever is working. It has been taking on a background ambience of thrill lately, like a big momentum is starting, but ‘I’ still have a part to play.
Increasing connection to pure intent has been absolutely the biggest difference maker for me this year, but the specifics of what you or anyone else need to do may be different
I’m thinking of an analogy of a surfer, when you start you have to paddle like hell, then as you pick up speed the paddling gets easier, then the wave starts to take you and it gets even easier and it’s obvious there’s help coming from ‘outside,’ and then the wave itself is propelling you, you stop paddling & just enjoy the ride
It is an interesting question with Alan, I wonder if he was really in Virtual Freedom? And of course in-control Virtual Freedom is a different animal than out-from-control
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Just really go for it — ramp it up way more!!! And by it I mean allowing pure intent. Just dive right in. Revel in it. Undo all the scaffolding you have placed in your mind that prevents it from being experienced more fully. And see what that looks like !!
It feels safe to stay where you are and chip away , but I think at some point you gotta continue and keep going in the direction you haven’t been in before , it will feel unfamiliar and new at first …
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Plus more pure intent makes any ‘chipping’ easier anyway!
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Nice @claudiu I think this nails it, it is my default mode now, as someone else wrote a while ago, to pick up another shiny rock. And it’s not bad as far as things go, clearing up yet another bit, getting closer to that 99% but maybe that’s as far as that can go. At some point the whole scaffolding needs to be torched up haha. To move into that unfamiliar territory, that’s interesting. I was thinking that just before I read your post, that I can continue investigating bits and bats or I leave those tools behind somewhat and move fully towards purity. It’s almost like leaving that last bit of my identity behind - the actualist.
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