Kub933's Journal

[Vineeto]

@Kub933

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your replies, I have been contemplating on what you wrote.

@Vineeto

I am reading this sentence again and I am wondering why you would want to “swallow” this “big one” – which is the insight that you are “narcissism”, and that “under the words it was ‘Me’, ‘Me’, ‘Me’”. Wouldn’t it be more sensible to not look at it from the identity’s point of view (integrate this into your identity /swallow it, i.e. make ‘him stronger because ‘he’ could handle such a crisis) but rather see it from the perspective of what you are aiming for, and celebrate that you can safely and felicitously /innocuously leave behind this particular chunk of ‘my’ ‘self”-importance and be naïve instead?

Yes I see your point completely, this sense of “regaining ‘my’ equilibrium” after such a seeing is to swallow the insight into ‘my’ worldview and disable its potential. A couple of days after this seeing it was as if the ‘controller’ came back with a vengeance I think because those various narratives (of the controller) were exposed for what they are - self-centrically spinning around in circles. So I experienced this operation of ‘me’ as the ‘controller’ in a raw and jarring way.

Since then the above has stopped and I have been able to contemplate without distraction on Peter’s report and your follow up suggestion. I don’t know if I can say much other than that I have been having intimations of what you are pointing to. For example this morning I woke up and I could see ‘me’ as if loading up, and ‘I’ was seen to be this extra happening which has no relevance at all over life as it actually happens. That this self-centric bubble in which ‘I’ exist/which ‘I’ am is completely superfluous/redundant/irrelevant/outmoded etc. Initially I want to say that ‘I’ have no purpose left now other than to suffer for sufferings sake but indeed ‘I’ am pivotal in something still, which is to set this body free. (link)

Hi Kuba,

I appreciate you can see the point I was making.

As for agreeing to live without the controller in charge you already done a ‘dress-rehearsal’ –

Kuba: All in all I have never found myself so effortlessly happy and harmless and it is all so right, so correct, living like this. I am kind of in two minds about posting this, wary to potentially invite the ‘controller’ back into the picture and yet I wanted to share this so here we are.
Looking back as well I see that the me that I am now is nothing like the me that was in the (even recent) past, it’s a qualitative change in terms of how life is experienced, I could say that virtually I am only here now where this moment is happening, I don’t find myself to exist across the past-present-future like I did in the past, with the “virtually” qualifier definitely applied though.
Oh and another thing! Perhaps part of / the reason for what changed recently, interestingly enough this is how ‘Vineeto’ stepped out from control. Which is that I dared to fully enjoy sex and sexuality, and since then it’s like something opened up, this doorway to a totally naive enjoyment of life. Now knowing that I can fully enjoy sex and sexuality I have nothing else that could possibly be missing. The thing that I realised is that under the guise of ‘actualist morality’ I had been repressing my sex drive, and the other day I remembered something that Richard wrote under the correspondence on sex, that one starts where one is, which as a feeling being it is to ‘be’ that sex drive and thus enter the ‘sexual dimension’ that way, then of course there is the possibility of actuality peeking through. (2.4.2026)

Now that you know experientially that the ‘controller’ “is completely superfluous/ redundant/ irrelevant/ outmoded etc.” – why not do it again, as in the previous ‘dress-rehearsal’, allowing, and thus ensuring being-out-from-control, to be open-ended this time?

Here is ‘Vineeto’s’ as told to Claudiu –

Vineeto: The only way to counteract this falling back will be if you make the deliberate decision, when feeling excellent and experiencing pure intent comes along, to commit to living out-from-under-control from then onwards. When ‘Vineeto’ got out-from-under-control after many ‘ums and ahs’ it was delicious but a few days later ‘she’ fell out of it and accepted this as a matter of course. But Richard didn’t. When ‘she’ told him about it, he said jokingly something to the effect of “stand in the corner until you are back into out-from-under-control”!
So post-haste ‘Vineeto’ invited Peter into the bedroom and after some delicious intimacy soon was back where ‘she’ had been, and then was more watchful and determined to in fact stay out-from-under-control. It worked. It does need your active and decisive input – until an actual freedom happens, then you can’t fall back. (link)

Cheers Vineeto