Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your replies, I have been contemplating on what you wrote.

@Vineeto

I am reading this sentence again and I am wondering why you would want to “swallow” this “big one” – which is the insight that you are “narcissism”, and that “under the words it was ‘Me’, ‘Me’, ‘Me’”. Wouldn’t it be more sensible to not look at it from the identity’s point of view (integrate this into your identity /swallow it, i.e. make ‘him stronger because ‘he’ could handle such a crisis) but rather see it from the perspective of what you are aiming for, and celebrate that you can safely and felicitously /innocuously leave behind this particular chunk of ‘my’ ‘self”-importance and be naïve instead?

Yes I see your point completely, this sense of “regaining ‘my’ equilibrium” after such a seeing is to swallow the insight into ‘my’ worldview and disable its potential. A couple of days after this seeing it was as if the ‘controller’ came back with a vengeance I think because those various narratives (of the controller) were exposed for what they are - self-centrically spinning around in circles. So I experienced this operation of ‘me’ as the ‘controller’ in a raw and jarring way.

Since then the above has stopped and I have been able to contemplate without distraction on Peter’s report and your follow up suggestion. I don’t know if I can say much other than that I have been having intimations of what you are pointing to. For example this morning I woke up and I could see ‘me’ as if loading up, and ‘I’ was seen to be this extra happening which has no relevance at all over life as it actually happens. That this self-centric bubble in which ‘I’ exist/which ‘I’ am is completely superfluous/redundant/irrelevant/outmoded etc. Initially I want to say that ‘I’ have no purpose left now other than to suffer for sufferings sake but indeed ‘I’ am pivotal in something still, which is to set this body free.