Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for sharing the quote, this resentment that I carry though it has a slightly different flavour, or that’s what it looks like to me anyways… It’s like – “meh, everything is stupid”.
To give an example, the other day I was excitedly telling Sonya how the cool art pieces she made with her friend look great on the wall, and as I sat back on the sofa to do so I knocked a cup of tea that was on the arm rest, an accident.
But I do not leave it as just an accident, rather it was a result of a “stupid system”, and off I went to create a more “efficient system” for the cups to rest on the sofa. Now the sofa has 2 wooden trays fixed to the arm-rest…
Although writing this now it’s something like this – I am uncomfortable with the feelings which arise when an accident happens or a mistake is made and in an attempt to escape those feelings I desperately try to create these “perfect systems”, it’s like a coping mechanism. Of course this is far from living naively, and I am not like this all the time but rather when something happens to trigger anxious feelings. Not to turn this into a therapy session but my mum was indeed severely punishing of mistakes made when we were young.
So although this looks different initially it is still the same mechanism as what Richard described, the hurt which I am nursing is the fear of punishment at a mistake made, and my mission for justice is to turn the world into a well-oiled machine where no mistake will ever be made and so I will be safe from ever being punished.
Hmm, I do recall exactly that feeling when the cup fell, it’s the anticipation of punishment and very quickly I flip this around into finding the fault with the set up, and then I can desperately design a system where no fault will ever be made. And after a lifetime of doing this I have now projected that drama onto the world, now “everything is stupid”.
But it does all seem to be a rather elaborate scheme to avoid the feeling of blame from another, it’s why I emotionally reacted to Sonya’s post the other day too. It’s like I am allergic to being blamed! That feeling of being blamed carries a promise with it… that something bad is to happen.
Aah and now I understand why I have always appreciated talking with you so much Vineeto, it’s like I said a while back that I know you will never ever ‘bite’. This 'bite’ is terrifying to me it seems. (link)
Hi Kuba,
You are right – men in general tend to want to fix problems often before assessing all the causes, including the feelings which might have caused the problem.
Richard: Thus, by asking ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ the reward is immediate; by finding out what triggered off the loss of feeling good, one commences another period of enjoying this moment of being alive. It is all about being here now at this moment in time and this place in space … and if you are not feeling good you have no chance whatsoever of being here now in this actual world. (A grumpy person locks themselves out of the perfect purity of this moment and place). Of course, once you get the knack of this, one up-levels ‘feeling good’, as a bottom-line each moment again, to ‘feeling happy’. And after that: ‘feeling perfect’. These are all feelings, this is not perfection personified yet … but then again, feeling perfect for twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes a day is way beyond ‘normal’ human expectations anyway. Also, it is a very tricky way of both getting men fully into their feelings for the first time in their life and getting women to examine their feelings one by one instead of being run by a basketful of them all at once. One starts to feel ‘alive’ for the first time in one’s life. (From ‘Richard’s Journal’ © ‘The Actual Freedom Trust’ 1997; pages 257-258).
Once you are aware which feeling is causing your feeling bad when ‘accidents’ happen (label it), the next thing is to look for the pattern. The way you describe your symptoms it sounds like it’s time to abandon your internal ‘mother’, in other words, the moral and ethical rules, dogmas and concepts, which she has both inherited and passed onto you. It would also explain what you called being a ‘high achiever’ and perhaps why you have difficulty to both be a friend to yourself and to put everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis.
The resentment is the result of the fact of never, ever being able to be perfect. But wherefrom comes the demand of having to be perfect. And why do you still value this rule/ concept when it keeps making you miserable? Again, it’s to look at both sides of the equation – the bad feelings you don’t like and ‘good’ feelings you want to hang onto.
Kuba: [Addendum]: Looking at the above I can see that I initially intellectually understood what Richard’s quote was pointing to. Then I first thought that my resentment was unique, but even as I typed out the post it became clear I was describing the same thing.
But then the main ingredient was still missing – which is acknowledging the fact that I will never physically be a child again. Those hurts along with my reactionary responses are echoes from the past, they have no relevance in my life now other than the one I habitually give them. (link)
Indeed, your physical mother will not punish you anymore but you have already internalised her moral and ethical values to the extent of now doing the punishing (blaming) of your own accord. Someone else’s blame is not the original problem, it only aggravates your own pre-existing blame.
Blaming the system is a variation on the theme of blaming the fact that humans are born with instinctual passions (the biblical original sin) and therefore can only ever try to be morally good and ethically right but overall are bound to fail whilst being alive – unless/until you cease ‘being’. In the meantime there is a way to by-pass all this serious judgemental business –
R: One woman accused me, years ago, of being judgemental. I said: ‘Of course I am, I do not hold that belief.’ I am neither a New-age aficionado nor a Christian so I can be as judgemental as all get-out … not that I use the word, personally. Try ‘appraisal’; that will get you away from the moralistic overtones. One does an appraisal of a person, a thing or an event: ‘That’s useful; that’s not. That is silly; that is sensible’. Of course one does this. How on earth can one conduct one’s affairs without appraising, without reviewing, in some way?
It is helpful to rid oneself of the concept of ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ and utilise ‘silly’ and ‘sensible’. You will be a lot better off. For example: It is silly to be unhappy, it is sensible to be happy.
Q(1): It’s using the same word for ‘Good and Bad’ and ‘Right and Wrong’.
R: Not at all. It is not moralistic; it is about the workability of something, the usefulness of whatever it is. I am talking about a very practical thing: It is sensible to be happy; it is silly to be unhappy. It is silly to feel rotten; it is sensible to feel well. You see, it is not self-righteous at all – it is a matter-of fact appraisal.
Q(1): No, I wouldn’t use moralistic for that – about being happy.
R: Nor for anything. Please, do not use ‘silly’ and ‘sensible’ as a substitute for moralistic values … that would defeat the purpose. It is a practical, everyday, common-sense thing: ‘How am I feeling at this moment?’ or ‘Am I feeling good?’ or ‘Am I feeling bad?’ … ‘Oh that’s silly, I’ll do something about myself until I feel good’. Simply, it is sensible to feel good. This is my moment of being alive – I am not alive five minutes ago, nor am I alive five minutes ahead. This is my only moment of being here. How am I experiencing this moment? If I am not experiencing it well now, when will I? It will be a ‘now’ moment when I do, so why not make this ‘now’ moment … this one that is happening right now. Why waste it by feeling rotten? Why not enjoy it?
It works! I am not merely talking theory, this is what I did back in ‘81. I have not missed a moment for sixteen years … it is always this moment. What a misspent life, to waste each moment waiting for a future happiness … to sit around feeling rotten, berating oneself, feeling guilty, and so on.
And another way to be rid of … Do you want me to go on?
Q(1): I’m digesting, I’m listening.
R: On a slightly different track … another way of operating is to put everything on a ‘it does not matter’ basis – you know, where you prefer to do something rather than have to? (Richard, Audio-Taped Dialogues, Silly or Sensible).
Cheers Vineeto