Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your reply, I agree with the main thrust of your message however just with regards to the below :Kuba: And so at one moment I had 2 words in mind – “myself” and “a self”, I realised immediately that they are referring to 2 vastly different things, one refers to a fact and the other to a belief/ illusion. In that an actually free person might very well use the words “myself” when referencing the very flesh and blood body in question, whereas “a self” is what ‘I’ am as an ontological ‘being’, a ‘thing-in-itself’.
And then there was this seeing that this ‘thing-in-itself’ is completely and utterly an illusion, in that not only does it not actually exist, it never existed in the first place. This was not ‘me’ doing the seeing but rather it was happening to ‘me’.
Vineeto: Then you attempt to overcome the gulf between the real world and the actual world by convincing yourself that “‘thing-in-itself’ is completely and utterly an illusion”. The reason I wonder if this ‘seeing’ was anything more than a red herring is because until you become actually free ‘you’ are very real, passionately (and cunningly) so. As you contemplated yourself in your next message …
Kuba: There was no convincing myself, those 2 words came to mind and then the seeing happened as a result of a fascinated attention – this is the most accurate way I can describe what happened. Perhaps it appears that way as I wrote about what happened after the fact and was trying to make sense of it.
Hi Kuba,
I much appreciate your clarification. I now understand better what happened. I will rephrase my cautionary note then.
Self-immolation can not happen from a moment of apperception or from a PCE, or even several PCEs in a row, it is a definite job ‘I’ have to do, as an identity, when all of ‘me’ is in agreement with ‘my’ final demise. Hence my emphasis that ‘I’ need to be an all-inclusive ally in this task – the only and most important task of one’s life. Hence ‘your’ job involves channelling all your affective energy (your libido for instance) into felicitous and innocuous affective energy via naïve enjoyment and abundant appreciation.
Kuba: But the main thrust of what you wrote I can see – in that I have been side-stepping those uneasy feelings around intimacy. And an imagined flight into ‘actual intimacy’ is how I can kid myself that something productive is being done, whilst those feelings remain unresolved.
So it is more that I need to go “through” rather than “around”.
I am very pleased you can see that. It’s also useful to keep in mind to differentiate between the felicitous feelings and the ‘good’ feelings, which you called “addicted to the high” (link). It helps to put everything that happens on a preference basis –
Richard: A general rule of thumb is: if it is a preference it is a self-less inclination; if it is an urge it is a self-centred desire. (Richard, AF List, 25d, 14 Jan 2004)
Kuba: I am seeing where the thing with the sex drive is coming into the picture, it’s because I am unable to be intimate (due to those uneasy feelings that I have been avoiding) that I go for the high provided by the sex drive instead. (link)
It’s fortuitous that you can see that “those uneasy feelings” make you “go for the high” because you already know what prevents you from being naïvely intimate. Via actualistic awareness and attentiveness you can choose, each moment, between pursuing the high, or enjoying and appreciating the sexual intimacy with the fellow human being you are closest to. With a bit of practice and courage you will find it increasingly easy to choose the latter – it is way, way more delightful, enjoyable, and naively and exquisitely intimate. When adding the appreciation of being physically intimate, with the person who chooses to spend her life with you, there is simply no comparison. Perhaps you can refresh your memory from Richard’s description (List D, 20, 9 Dec 2009) how supreme sexual enjoyment needs no drive or libido to be utterly exquisite, once you dare to care.
Richard: Put succinctly, this intimity [intimate quality], this most intimate of intimacies, has been beyond the ken of humankind since forever! (Richard, List D, No. 46, 7 Feb 2016)
It’s yours for the taking.
Cheers Vineeto