That’s exactly my experiance. I was alywas struggling with this “naivity thing”, until I could really feel it inside of me. Like a little happy child that wants to come out to play.
Then it became the child that wants to poke holes into all kinds of things. Just out of curiosity and fun. For me naivity and curiosity are very, very closely linked.
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It was super fun this morning reading @henryyyyyyyyyy’s post and noticing that love has been seen through to an extent that I don’t know if I could believe in it anymore, it has lost its substance and become a word that refers to nothing much but various fantasies that we ascribe to it, it is a belief that seems to have vanished, at least the romantic love.
There is still a deeper more fundamental kind of love that comes from nurture itself which remains, the sort of love that would make me suffer if someone close to me died, it seems to be the very instinct of nurture itself, this seems to be something that will remain as long as ‘I’ remain.
But what has been fun is noticing how the belief in love can vanish like it did, then love is seen for what it is, a creation. What this has left in me is this hunger to find any other ‘creations’ that I still give credence to, because I have this strong confidence that they can equally dissolve.
If something as big as love can dissolve then surely all the other things I was not willing to question can dissolve also, one of those was authority which I discussed with @Andrew in the other thread. Another one is belonging and of course the daddy of all fantasies is ‘me’ 
I am primed and on the look out for them haha will see which one comes first!
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I had some resentment pop up at work today when I was asked to do a job I was not really that thrilled to do but yet I knew that ‘I had to do’.
So I did a little exploration into this resentment and noticed something interesting.
Resentment seems to exist because of the illusion that I have no autonomy, that ‘I have to do things’.
There is so many things ‘I have to do’, the more resentful people could write endless lists I am sure! :
- Pay taxes
- Go to work
- Look after myself and others
- Act in a certain way around certain people/in certain circumstances
- Etc
Now I notice quickly that the resentment is not really to do with the task itself, the tasks themselves are not that bad at all if I am feeling good. The resentment is because ‘I have to do’, I resent them for ‘making me do things’ like a little kid that is pissed off because he has to do homework instead of playing outside.
Now if I want to do a little thought experiment it is plainly obvious that I do not have to do any of those things.
When my boss asks me to do a job I do not like I can actually turn around spit on the floor and say suck on this 
Now of course I do not do this because that would be silly. So on some level I recognise that I do these things because it makes sense to do them.
We cannot get away from the fact that we exist in a world of people things and events, we are always ‘constrained’ by the factual nature of each situation we find ourselves in. So if I am driving down a road that has a left and right turn, I cannot decide to go up. Now am I to say the road is ‘making me’ only turn left or right? or is that being silly?
Now if I am working in a certain environment that requires certain things (and I have made a choice to be there) is it silly to believe that ‘I am made to do things’? I think so! 
However resentment would have me believe that my boss, the authorities in my life and society at large has stolen my autonomy! They have literally ripped it from my hands and locked it away from me and now they ‘make me do things’. The funny reality of it is that actually I was the one who willingly locked away my own autonomy because of belief, a belief in power and authority.
Our of fear and awe I locked away my autonomy and I simply went around believing that ‘I am being made to do stuff’. All the while unilaterally making the decisions to walk down whatever path it is that I am travelling.
Funny how much can change on the inside whilst from the outside I am living that same life, making those same choices and yet this whole cloud of authority, power, resentment etc is being lifted, because it makes no sense.
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Hmm, interesting.
It’s like one remembers only the bit which puts the blame on others, when one could have chosen another profession, or live with less expenses, or move to say, a house boat.
We work harder and longer because we make choices about our expenses and lifestyle.
We don’t see that bit.
I didn’t. Until the current opportunity came along and I essentially have a semi-retired lifestyle.
I don’t earn as much, so I have stopped spending so much.
It was like “oh, I don’t have to work so much?”
It was just a habit. Some of which was I am not attractive without money. I have to get more so I can get a better place to impress women.
Yeah. All of a sudden my choices are someone else’s fault. 
Nice insights.
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Something with regards to the ‘commitment to feeling good each moment again come what may’ is becoming clearer.
It seems lately I am on the precipice of living that commitment. Since the start of applying the method it was somewhat like this :
At first there was the intent to feel happy and harmless however I was completely slanted away from living this goal and completely inclined towards chasing the ‘real world dramas’. So at first it was difficult to consistently feel good because I was only committed to feeling good if A, B and C were met. I was trying to feel good consistently whilst still being fully involved in pursuing the ‘real world dramas’. When I say ‘real world dramas’ I mean all the beliefs, values, fantasies etc that epitomise living in the real world.
And looking back now it makes sense that it would not work, it is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
It is saying that I will continue living the very same values that other miserable and malicious entities are living and YET I will end up somehow being happy and harmless, how!?
So I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, as in I did not want to change myself and yet I expected a different result. I wanted to continue ‘being in the rat race’ whilst not playing by the same rules as other entities are playing!
But of course each time it always circled back to the same realisation (sooner or later) that it was ‘me’ who was the problem and who needed to change.
With each component of those ‘real world dramas’ being investigated and eventually eliminated I then began inclining myself more and more towards enjoyment and appreciation as a MO and away from the ‘real world dramas’.
I can see this commitment dangling in front of me now, it is that shift towards finally and wholeheartedly stepping out of the ‘rat race’. Most of those ‘dramas’ I was involved in, they went round and round until I was basically sick of it all and decided to stop, it’s funny really but this is how they all disappeared, it wasn’t some momentous realisation that would eradicate them in one fell swoop, it was more a process of gathering all of myself to finally admit that going down this path is pointless and sucks 
, very much down to earth.
So there is all these ‘paths’ that I have no interest in travelling down anymore, I simply had enough of them and I have no inclination of going there again.
There is this one path though dangling in front of me that does deliver the goods, the wide and wondrous path! The path of enjoyment and appreciation. It seems at this point there is nothing but walking it fully, although it is like I still have an emotional hangover from those real world dramas, like I am holding back out of fear of ‘something out there’ even though every time I check there is nothing of substance there.
It’s actually kind of funny to observe because those dramas that used to be so very concrete are like bits of rubble now, however ‘I’ will still desperately try to piece the bits of rubble together and go “look there is something you need to worry about here!”
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Nice!
Yes, it’s making a huge difference to regard that commitment as ironclad, without considering there is any failure as long as that is continually remembered.
A single stake in the ground, and a tether to it. One can pull oneself back to it when I am searching in the rubble.
It’s working in my everyday thinking. I let myself think whatever I want, but immediately notice when I am wandering off into the same old useless areas. Usually one-sided things about the ex at the moment.
As soon as I do that, just get back to that “stake in the ground” I remember that I have already seen the way to feel good “come what may” regarding that aspect of the situation.
I was thinking just now that in lieu, temporarily, of pure intent (the actual kind, palpable) this is working a treat.
It’s like I just came across Actualism a few days ago, happened to read that single phrase, and went from there.
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Can you give an example of those values where you were trying to have your cake and eat it too?
It seems you’re at a point where you could ‘nip in the bud’ whenever you are re-tempted by those dramas… you’ve been there already and gotten the answers
Yes so for example one of the ones that took forever to get anywhere with was with regards to my coaching martial arts.
How I used to obsess over every class that I taught, thinking over and over whether I was living up to the expectations of each and every student there, whether I was in alignment with the overarching ‘role’ that I must live up to as the ‘sensei’.
Essentially I was saying that I want to feel good as long as I tick all of those (often contradictory) ideals such as :
- wanting every single student to get exactly what they wish for in the class (impossible as each student might have different wants and desires)
- appearing that I have an answer to every single question and that my martial arts knowledge is complete and impeccable (this is simply not in alignment with facts)
- being able to completely dominate each and every student in sparring in order to demonstrate my unwavering power as the ‘sensei’
- etc
So I wanted to feel good but only under the umbrella of still living up to my ‘role’ as this perfect martial arts master. And of course this always lead to conflict as I can never meet all of those ideas all at once. Trying to do so is exhausting and just not possible, and yet I am driven to continue trying this impossible feat.
There is still some sort of pull towards living the unlivable.
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This makes sense, thanks!
It becomes an increasingly clear choice between one and the other
So writing this something also became clear. The answer seems a lot more cunning than it looks at first.
The reason I want to continue to live the unlivable is because I want to set myself apart as special. After all if I was to ‘give away the recipe’ then how can I have something that no one else has. By manipulating how others see me I am able to be ‘that’, it is like what Richard writes about the ‘mystique’ that the essential ingredient of any mystique is that it forever remains unexplained.
I need to somehow project an image which fools others (and myself) into believing that I am truly ‘that’, which means I must forever twist myself in knots in order to live up to the ideal (I never do though, it is just a question of how well I convince myself and others that I am ‘that’) this essentially requires for me to continue being a fake - hence the anxiety and overthinking.
If I was to be genuine then there is no mystery anymore. Then I can no longer claim that ‘special’ thing.
I have been getting frustrated with this, why am I still playing that game? What I am seeing is that it is not enough for me to be happy and harmless, I need to be ‘good’ because in being ‘good’ ‘I’ am set apart and acknowledged by others as special.
I keep getting these flashes of what life is like before this game. Of simply living my life, of being me, as opposed to living a life of a continual scanning and assessment of how well I am living up to the tenets of society so that I can have my place as someone ‘good’.
The game continues for now…
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I was just re-reading my above post and looking at this whole thing. I am reminded of (I think Geoffrey) writing that beliefs fall away when there is something better available.
I think it is clear that this situation persists because I haven’t found this something better. As it stands I do not have a firm alternative so I am stuck playing the game, I only know to be ‘special’ or to be a ‘no-one’.
Either I win the ‘game’ or I am a looser, the third alternative remains unseen, time to firmly locate it.
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You could reinvent what it means to be a “Sensei”.
Go all Yoda on them.
Hide in plain site like Richard did as an “Artist”. People would excuse his “out there” attitude because that’s what artists are; eccentric.
The best thing I ever learnt from aikido was; don’t get into fights. 
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I am off to party. Chat later.
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Yeah but this is still playing some sort of a game, still playing to a role, so it will bring up its own set of problems sooner or later.
Only being genuine can guarantee the end to the anxiety, because there is nothing fake that needs to be upheld.
It seems that it needs to become experientially clear that being me is actually better off for all concerned (including myself) than living the role of ‘that’. I do not see this as it stands.
Also this thing is not just evident in the martial arts, it’s there at all times, a persona that has to be sustained.
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So some progress on this front already, what I am seeing today is that to be genuine entails being here. I cannot plan and scheme how I will be genuine in a ‘future scenario’ that is literally 180 degrees opposite of what the word means.
Being genuine is to be current with whatever is happening right now and responding accordingly, it cannot be practiced or planned, it can only be lived.
So it is quite cool really, because I finally get to stop the scheming, but this will only happen when I have complete confidence that being genuine is the best I can be. The goal right now is to confirm this experientially.
The objections that are coming up right at this moment are to do with whether being genuine is suitable in all situations, to give an example I am later on today doing one of my hen party gigs. When I usually arrive I put on a certain ‘mask’ of a ‘professional’ with all that it entails. Now the fear is that if I am to be genuine in such a performance/work scenario, will I act in a way that simply doesn’t align with what my employer/agency/clients want? This seems to be a simple fear that has to be proved to be incorrect by doing so we will see.
I do remember many EE’s and even PCE’s when I was doing these hen party gigs and I was always a delight to be around, I know this cos all the girls kept talking about it after, so clearly it’s not that when I stop playing to a role I swing the other way to being some degenerate.
How crazy is it that simply being me without any veneer to hide behind can be so damn terrifying, reminds me of something Richard wrote that it can seem more raw than taking one’s clothes off in public, although I am kinda doing that already 
Also reading this makes me see just what sorta crazy high bar I am setting haha, so I want to go up, get naked and perform in front of a bunch of girls at a hen party without a dime of any sort of pretence to hide behind, let’s go!
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If you want to be special, you still can… by becoming free you’re 1 in a billion (and 1 in 10 billion that have ever lived).
I see what you are getting at but I don’t see this for myself as a clean motivation. The reason I say this is because for the persona to be special ‘he’ needs to set himself apart from other entities, his ‘specialness’ is only possible as being special OVER others, this inevitably creates the hierarchical power structure that Richard found in the whole master/disciple situation. Because how can I be truly ‘special’ if someone is equally as ‘special’ as me. This is clearly observable for example in sports or in martial arts, the ultimate dream is to be the GOAT (greatest of all time) because in this way this entity ensures his place as forever set apart from others, a God.
And enlightenment is the ultimate way for the persona to be set apart as ‘special’, it is a self centred pursuit. Me self immolating right now in order to be special (in the way that as an identity I wish to be special) is equally a self centred pursuit. The goal must be to be a fellow human being, how else can I give ‘myself’ up, who would I be doing it for?
If I self immolate that is special in a sense, but I would rather use the word remarkable, because landing on the other side I am a fellow human being only, this flesh and blood body cannot set itself apart from others in that same way that the entity desired (as being more special than ALL the other entities, somewhat towering above them in ‘my’ ‘specialness’) This I remember from PCEs and it is actually a very important feature because it ensures equity and peace.
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I am looking forward to the “becoming actually free whilst being naked at a hens party” report.
There’s a headline for the Google ads in there somewhere too!.
I think there’s an interplay here between wanting to use the most pure motivations possible to go directly to freedom, and using ‘whatever motivations one has already’ to go in ‘the direction of freedom.’
Either are OK depending on where one is at, from my experience the dividing line is if there’s motivation lacking or there’s insincerity or one still feels quite divided, there’s no harm in using the motivations one has to ‘go in the right direction,’ no matter how impure they may appear at first sight. Every ‘impure’ motivation has its ‘pure version.’
For example, if one is very selfish, the pure version of that is the drive for autonomy, freedom, happiness. If one is a pushover in all situations, the pure version of that is wanting peace and harmony with other human beings. It takes some trial and error and experimentation to move toward the more perfect version, and I think it only makes sense to use the motivations one already has.
That said, I have no disagreements about the ultimate lack of specialness; I am simply one living thing on the earth. No one in particular.
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