Vineeto: You feel vulnerable because with the sophisticated ‘doer’ being descendant you can no longer automatically rely on your socio-cultural inwit, a.k.a. conscience, to not get into trouble, hence you now need to orient yourself to, and rely upon, the compass of pure intent.
Kuba: So as I was driving to work today I was contemplating on the conversation we had and something quite incredible happened. I saw the ‘guardian’, it was like this blanket that had been covering ‘me’ forever and up until today it was invisible, but invisible in the way of “hiding in plain sight”. But this wasn’t that a certain belief or moral was seen, it was that the entire structure of the conscience was seen.
When I saw it there was this sense of a burden being greatly reduced, because this guardian is a collection of all the various moral truths. It also consists of the shame, the fear of ostracisation, isolation, punishment, damnation etc. as well as all the various “worst case scenarios” that will apparently happen when/if ‘I’ fall out of line. Essentially all that has been inculcated into ‘me’ in order to control the instinctual passions. This guardian is a little like a strict parent that will only accept straight A’s across all subjects or the child is a failure. It is not an intelligent process and as such it is not capable of consideration.
However when I saw this construct I was actually quite glad to find it! Because it was seen with absolute certainty that this thing needs to be in place unless pure intent is active. That it is no joke what can happen if the instinctual passions are allowed to run amok.
But then at the same time I saw that this guardian has been ruling with an iron fist. That any time ‘I’ did not conform perfectly to the moral dictates that a whole mechanism would swing into action, and various nightmare scenarios would seem as if guaranteed! It’s like if I got to the end of using a self-checkout machine and realised that I did not scan a plastic bag (which costs 30p), and ended up just taking one. As I am walking past the security there are scenarios being played out of police arrests, and courts and being fired from my job etc. And it’s funny but this is literally how ‘I’ have experienced it ‘my’ whole life.
This is the kind of control that the guardian enforces.
So this is why when I saw the entire structure of my conscience there was this feeling of a burden being released, because I saw that actually such ruling by an iron fist has not been needed for a long time and yet ‘I’ have been punished by it day in and day out.
It was almost like that child that has only known the strict and unforgiving parents finally being told that “you are doing great”.
With this feeling of the guardian being as if “lifted off” a little, there was also this incredible sense of pure intent being accessible, like a broadband connection had just opened. When I arrived at the hen party I was able to spend 2 hours with them with my conscience being as if irrelevant. I was operating outside of the dictates of my conscience. (link)
Hi Kuba,
Whilst it is illuminating to see “the entire structure of my conscience” and had the effect of “this feeling of the guardian being as if ‘lifted off” a little”, it nevertheless might be beneficial at some point to identify the specific aspect which started the whole sequence. You said in the previous message –
Richard: The identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago was wont to say, whenever ‘he’ would get a bit cocky about being on top of it all, that an everyday life situation would invariably tap ‘him’ behind the knees, so to speak, and bring ‘him’ back down-to-earth … and that, furthermore, life was very good at doing just that. (Richard, AF List, No. 68d, 17 Oct 2005)
Kuba: But just to put more context to this, this is why those 2 situations shook me like so, because one was a training partner getting injured in training and another was a complaint from a customer. And it was like “oh shit” maybe ‘I’ am going to be dangerous. And it was the same kind of theme around Christmas last year, this sense of “maybe I have got it all wrong” and that if ‘I’ don’t resume control ‘I’ will be dangerous.
Actually I’m not sure if it was that ‘I’ would be dangerous or in danger. It seems like both, in that operating outside of sanity seems like it could get me in trouble as well as be dangerous for others. If anything this shows just how successful the social/ moral conditioning is, and perhaps for good reason. (link)
According to your report two incidents caused you to question if you are “going to be dangerous”, which in itself is a worthwhile subject for investigation for these specific incidents. But because those incidents themselves caused “shame, the fear of ostracization, isolation, punishment, damnation etc.” and then escalated, as feelings tend to do, into imaginings of “all the various “worst case scenarios””, you never had an opportunity to get back to the original trigger. This situation of strong doubt and fear you then “followed by a general contemplation that “operating outside of sanity seems like it could get me in trouble as well as be dangerous for others” in order to de-escalate those feelings. Yet these contemplations still left you at arm’s length of the original feelings by placing them into the overarching category of ‘sanity vs. insanity’ and the workings of conscience in its general structure.
Now that those strong feelings have subsided and “this incredible sense of pure intent being accessible”, it is beneficial to trace the situation back to its origin so that a similar situation won’t be tapping you “behind the knees” again, as Richard said.
Specifically, you might want to ascertain if have you been in fact careless to contribute to the two incidences, or you perhaps just blame yourself just-in-case because you were not sure?
I had a similar question running after I had become newly free –
Vineeto: Personally, when I negotiated my way towards freedom from the (overall well-meaning but now inadequate) ‘guardian’ (i.e. the social identity), the main question was – will I be able to be safe and harmless without the guardian watching over me? So I checked myself out in interactions, in various social situations with the intent to determine if I would be safe, and harmless, without the rules and regulations (morals and ethics), preconceived notions and automated behaviour patterns and eventually determined that I will be. (Actualism, Actualvineeto, Srinath, 1 Jan 2019)
As shame was your initial feeling for unleashing a ‘feast of fears’ I also recommend Richard’s correspondence with Jonathan on this topic from August 2013 after Jonathan’s visit to Australia – (Richard, List D, Jonathan, 4 Aug 2013).
Cheers Vineeto