So as I was driving to work today I was contemplating on the conversation we had and something quite incredible happened. I saw the ‘guardian’, it was like this blanket that had been covering ‘me’ forever and up until today it was invisible, but invisible in the way of “hiding in plain sight”. But this wasn’t that a certain belief or moral was seen, it was that the entire structure of the conscience was seen.
When I saw it there was this sense of a burden being greatly reduced, because this guardian is a collection of all the various moral truths. It also consists of the shame, the fear of ostracisation, isolation, punishment, damnation etc As well as all the various “worst case scenarios” that will apparently happen when/if ‘I’ fall out of line. Essentially all that has been inculcated into ‘me’ in order to control the instinctual passions. This guardian is a little like a strict parent that will only accept straight A’s across all subjects or the child is a failure. It is not an intelligent process and as such it is not capable of consideration.
However when I saw this construct I was actually quite glad to find it! Because it was seen with absolute certainty that this thing needs to be in place unless pure intent is active. That it is no joke what can happen if the instinctual passions are allowed to run amok.
But then at the same time I saw that this guardian has been ruling with an iron fist. That any time ‘I’ did not conform perfectly to the moral dictates that a whole mechanism would swing into action, and various nightmare scenarios would seem as if guaranteed! It’s like if I got to the end of using a self-checkout machine and realised that I did not scan a plastic bag (which costs 30p), and ended up just taking one. As I am walking past the security there are scenarios being played out of police arrests, and courts and being fired from my job etc 
And it’s funny but this is literally how ‘I’ have experienced it ‘my’ whole life.
This is the kind of control that the guardian enforces.
So this is why when I saw the entire structure of my conscience there was this feeling of a burden being released, because I saw that actually such ruling by an iron fist has not been needed for a long time and yet ‘I’ have been punished by it day in and day out.
It was almost like that child that has only known the strict and unforgiving parents finally being told that “you are doing great”.
With this feeling of the guardian being as if “lifted off” a little, there was also this incredible sense of pure intent being accessible, like a broadband connection had just opened. When I arrived at the hen party I was able to spend 2 hours with them with my conscience being as if irrelevant. I was operating outside of the dictates of my conscience.