Vineeto: I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep or something else?
Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway
Kuba: OK so this has indeed been revealing itself, it’s interesting how nothing at all can/will remain hidden. It is certainly not a seed from the last thought/ feeling before going to sleep, initially I wanted to say that it is resentment and it is a similar flavour to this. It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’, the burden of living ‘my’ life, it is interesting that something like this still remains.
Hi Kuba,
This is fascinating. So my curiosity has indeed produced something hidden.
What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion.
‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba.
Kuba: It seems that each day I successfully manage to get back to riding the wave of enjoyment and appreciation after this initial bump but it seems the root cause of it has remained unaddressed, the question is why is there this bump to get over in the first place.
A good way I could describe this feeling (and this mirrors what Henry discovered in himself recently) is the difference between a “holiday atmosphere” and ‘my’ normal life. The difference between gay abandon and ‘surviving’.
Indeed this word has been on my mind a lot lately, in that ‘my’ core function is to be ‘surviving’ ‘my’ way through life, this is 180 degrees opposite to living in gay abandon.
‘I’ instinctually feel threatened and so ‘I’ am consistently dealing with ‘threats’, this is why life in the real world is a grim and glum business.
Well, all this gay abandon during most of your day makes it more and more clear to ‘you’ that ‘you’ keeping up the “weight” and “the burden of living ‘my’ life” is a purpose-less effort, an unrewarding task, an ultimately useless enterprise. And this insight is not merely a cognitive realisation but deeply felt at the depth of ‘me’. It appears, that with a bit of experiential reassurance (as you describe below is happening) ‘I’ can be confident that it won’t do any harm to the flesh-and-blood body Kuba when ‘I’ indeed lay down ‘my’ burden and let the universe live Kuba’s life.
In other words, ‘I’ am ready and willing, in fact eager, to cooperate with ‘my’ demise. The fight has ended.
Kuba: What I experienced this weekend gone was a peek into where I am proceeding, into what is possible. This week it seems those things which prevent experiencing life like so have been brought out into the open. As in it is clear that ‘surviving’ and living in gay abandon are in 2 different directions.
All in all experiencing these feelings now is nowhere near as intense and dramatic as it was a few weeks ago, it’s like those intensely passionate reactions have worn themselves out, ‘I’ cannot go back to resisting things in the same way anymore. ‘I’ am now just a nuisance to what would otherwise be a thoroughly delightful existence.
A handful of times this week I experienced / was the “utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness”, each time it happened without any prompt. It is always amazing that no matter how good things are for ‘me’ when that “last layer” is peeled back it is as if a whole new dimension has taken place. The difference between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and actuality is so huge! I am reminded of what Richard wrote in that actuality has never known any threat nor ever will.
I can see now so clearly that all of the dramas that ‘I’ went through, they were simply the instinctual passions in operation, whatever specific way in which ‘I’ played those out was ultimately irrelevant, they were the screams of a dying ‘entity’ . And indeed this is how all ‘feeling beings’ operate, at core all the same, going about and blindly/automatically/instinctually becoming threatened by this or that. By the time ‘I’ as the thinker come into the situation those instinctual reactions have already happened, whatever explanation ‘I’ come up with at that point is ultimately meaningless.
It is neat to see this so clearly because that is why the actualism method works, by tracing back to the initial moment ‘I’ became triggered rather than spiralling around in those post facto explanations one is able to get back to feeling good. All of that ‘investigation’ that one is doing whilst feeling bad is just ‘me’ marinating around in sorrow and malice .
This is a wonderful report. And it all happens of its own accord.
Just remember that ‘I’ am now an ally.
Kuba: The other thing related to this is that I have become aware recently of just how much ‘human’ interaction happens on a level that has nothing at all to do with the ‘thinker/ doer’, and it is the vast majority. It is quite breathtaking actually, and the weirdest thing is that as an identity one is largely blind to this. It makes complete sense now why for an actually free person the human condition is all out in the open, the various ‘me’s’ can try to hide it but ‘they’ cannot haha.
So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning, the middle and the end. (link)
Yes, that is correct in a general sense, and that was the very reason feeling being ‘Vineeto’ always felt uneasy when interacting with Richard – as I told you a while ago –
Kuba: Oh I will just add, Vineeto, when I wrote the other posts there was some fear/ anxiety as to how you would respond – So yes clearly ‘I’ had something to hide, ‘I’ was afraid of ‘my’ hiding place being exposed.
Vineeto: This is very perceptive of you.
Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was often afraid for the same reason, that Richard would discover something ‘she’ wasn’t even aware ‘she’ was hiding. Despite our long acquaintance, this anxiety never completely disappeared until shortly before ‘she’ disappeared as a contingent ‘being’. However, the more ‘I’ became exposed, the less fear there was because there was less and less to hide. (link)
In actuality, an actually free person only meets flesh-and-blood bodies. Furthermore, pure intent guarantees one’s actions to always be benevolent and beneficent regardless of any ‘hidden secrets’ revealed.
Cheers Vineeto