Kuba: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this.
Kuba: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours.
It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder.
I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it!
Kuba: The below is perhaps the most wonderful description that I can think of, this is what ‘I’ desire and yet it is so weird that clearly something in ‘me’ is resisting the possibility of living this :
[Vineeto]: “Since then I experience myself as what I am, not just this physical body but with particular qualities to the experiencing which to my own surprise I called ‘what I always wanted to be/what I have always been’ even though I have never lived it. For an analogy of how I experience what I am at core I have to go into the Greek mythology where people’s imagination had populated nature with nymphs, inherent/chthonic to springs or trees or groves. This experience of myself is very light and playful, as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events. I described it as being innocence personified. Sensuosity, sensuality and sexuality are as much part of what I am just as sexuality and abundance are happening in nature everywhere. As such I am no different to a tree, a rock, a spring, a mountain or a distant star and can truly say that I am the universe experiencing itself as this flesh and blood body. I am here to play, play in this abundant effervescent universe, innocent for the first time, carefree in gay abandon, forever fulfilled and exquisitely aware each moment again of the magic of both nature and the wonderful intimacy that is possible with another human being.
Needless to say that I am having the best time of my life…” (link)
Yes, I remember experiencing this, such an amazing experience – the discovering of this magical wonderland – that was right after my guardian had abdicated and I was home free.
[Edit]: Actually, it was the description after I became fully actually free.
Kuba: Weirdly enough ‘I’ am extremely optimistic about it being possible now… Even though clearly ‘I’ do not yet know the way forward. Because now I see that there is something that ‘I’ am doing/ being which prevents it from happening, which means this “something” can be uncovered!
So in short rather than soldiering through this “desert of monumental proportions” ‘I’ can continue allowing this ‘process’ and locate the root of the resistance – of what is keeping ‘me’ from allowing ‘my’ deeply yearned for oblivion, meanwhile avoiding getting drawn into any side mission (which I have just averted this morning haha). (link)
Ah, I am glad you decided not to follow the ‘dutiful’ suggestion of your ‘controller’/ ‘feeler’ – ‘they’ are up to no good.
Kuba: Ok so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!
Bullseye!
Cheers Vineeto