Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Kuba: Oh I will just add, Vineeto, when I wrote the other posts there was some fear/ anxiety as to how you would respond – So yes clearly ‘I’ had something to hide, ‘I’ was afraid of ‘my’ hiding place being exposed. (link)

This is very perceptive of you.

Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was often afraid for the same reason, that Richard would discover something ‘she’ wasn’t even aware ‘she’ was hiding. Despite our long acquaintance, this anxiety never completely disappeared until shortly before ‘she’ disappeared as a contingent ‘being’. However, the more ‘I’ became exposed, the less fear there was because there was less and less to hide.

Ah well this is good to learn! And this is exactly how it is for me - ‘I’ don’t even know what it is that you might discover which ‘I’ am hiding haha. I have noticed though that when I am being naive this anxiety does not feature much, then my discoveries and writings have a confidence to them which is rooted in my connection to pure intent, then it’s more of an excited anticipation and it’s a lot of fun to converse.
But when I enter a more intellectual mode, when I am trying to work out what is ahead by moving my finger along the map, then when I write it’s a bit like I am a lamb leading myself into slaughter Perhaps because deep down I know that during those times I am not being naive and so pure intent is not active.

@Vineeto

It is natural to first perceive it as “some kind of a “telling off”” and I am glad you could recognize that this is not the case. The more you become familiar with this ‘pattern’ and recognize the furphy (furphy (Austral. Slang): a false report or rumour; an absurd story. (Oxford Dictionary)) it actually is, the quicker you can abandon it.

Yes it clicked yesterday that to go into blame is to miss an opportunity to find out about ‘myself’ and this is very useful to see clearly. And really this is the same way that I would approach the situation when talking to another. I remember there was a particularly sticky aspect of man-woman relation that I spoke to Sonya about, probably over a span of 6 months or so. And it was exactly this, that perhaps each time she would see 1 extra aspect of the situation and then go back to circling, and this would happen over and over. One day the conversation happened again (over text) and she messaged me all of a sudden and said that she saw it, she saw the whole edifice fall, it was amazing! And she hasn’t been the same since. So it was all worth it, all this circling and coming back and circling some more eventually had the whole thing crumble. So indeed there is no need for blame in any of this. I can see this is another benefit of being actually free from sorrow and malice, that it is possible to engage like this with another and for there to be nothing dirty to complicate further what is already a great challenge for the other. Because talking with Sonya ‘I’ would inevitably get somewhat passionately involved and this only made things harder for her, nevertheless it was all worth it in the end.

As to this “doing nothing”, I will bunch the relevant quotes below as they all seem to point in the same direction :

You are still trying to do something – you have already seen (and remembered) the “echo playing on repeat” . Nothing more to do – be here and enjoy and appreciate letting the universe live you. It must be one of the hardest things for you to do. …

What part of the term ‘allow the universe to live you’ is it you misunderstand?..

There is most likely something that prevents you from “being just here, right now”, without pushing, acting, doing – just being here now. Richard has good reason to call it a challenge…

I suspect, and I might be wrong, your greatest challenge is to do nothing and let “this enormous passionate energy” of felicitousness and innocuousness accumulate and let the universe live you whilst keeping the connection to pure intent via your deep desire to be innocence personified.

It seems this is exactly what I was trying to get at when I wrote about “rising to the challenge of being here as the universe’s experience of itself”, except that instead of rising to the challenge ‘I’ first tried to do some problem-solving to prove to ‘myself’ that it is safe to do so.

Richard: Now, it is ‘me’ who is responsible for an action that results in ‘my’ own demise – without really doing the expunging itself (and I am not being tricky here) – as it is ‘me’ who is the initiator of bringing about this sacrifice in that ‘I’ deliberately and consciously, and with knowledge aforethought (from the PCE), set in motion a ‘process’ that will ensure ‘my’ demise (‘I’ do not really end ‘myself’ in that ‘I’ do not do the deed itself for ‘I’ cannot end ‘myself’ ). What ‘I’ do, voluntarily and intentionally (cheerfully and blessedly), is press the button which precipitates a, oft-times alarming but always thrilling, momentum which will result in ‘my’ irrevocable ‘self’-immolation in toto. What one does is that one dedicates oneself to the challenge of being just here, right now, as the universe’s experience of itself … peace-on-earth is the inevitable result because it is already always existing (‘I’ was merely standing in the way of it being apparent). [Emphases added]. (Richard, Abditorium, Altruism)

This makes sense now more than ever before, the ‘process’ which Richard mentions is the apperceptive seeing which ends ‘me’. So ‘I’ (the last piece of pizza) do not do it, rather by rising to the challenge of being here as the universes experience of itself ‘I’ invite this ‘process’ to happen to ‘me’.

What seems to be stopping ‘me’ from initiating this ‘process’ is this “feeling rudely raw about the prospect of being here now”, this is what ‘I’ was trying to solve by those prior deliberations.

@Vineeto

Yes, the social constraints to being naked, and sexuality in general, provide the first barrier, on the social identity level, to be “naked and exposed” but it is the existential exposure of having nothing to hide which is the more frightening, and you are presently having fun exploring this challenge and discovering the delight of being more and more intimate.

So this is exactly how ‘I’ experienced it working a hen do yesterday, the initial social identity barrier was removed but underneath it was exactly that - “feeling rudely raw about the prospect of being here now”. And this feeling it seems it cannot be reduced anymore, it is that very core of ‘me’. At times yesterday this feeling did indeed subside and I found myself here more and more, and completely at ease.

So it seems it is about proceeding in this direction, of experientially sussing out how to rise to this challenge. The way ‘I’ experience it is that proceeding in this direction it is as if ‘I’ am forgetting something very important, ‘I’ am screaming to go back to this thing that is apparently critical for ‘my’ safety. It’s like that feeling of “oh shit I left the oven on” when one leaves the house, amplified x10 It’s urging ‘me’ to go back, to check one more time that all is safe. But of course ‘I’ will do that forever hence the circling. So ‘I’ cannot wait until the waters are completely calm before proceeding in this direction, then it would never happen.