Kub933's Journal

Journals
1076

I find the below is the only means of ‘investigation’ which is ultimately required :

From Milito’s journal

Also I can say with the utmost confidence that I as ‘doer’ has been extinct since 2016. So I have not been ‘doing’ anything as such. I have been busy however BEING every single motha-effin’ feeling while simultaneously having the goal of living the PCE 24/7 for the rest of my life on my mind

This is such a powerful thing to do, not to think about one’s feelings, not even just feeling them, but ‘being’ those feelings. Because by fully ‘being’ those feelings there is no possibility to be anything but fully aware of every single aspect of the thing, this is full involvement, as far as ‘I’ can go as a feeling being. And this exquisite attention engendered by ‘being’ the feeling fully is enough to dissolve the thing over time.

The way I see it these days is like a hierarchy, initially one may only be able to intellectually approach the feeling, this is working from the greatest distance, then one begins allowing oneself to feel those feelings but there is still this split between the doer and the beer. Then one realises that one is those very feelings and experiences from there, this is the most direct and the most transformative level.

Most of the time these days when I find myself wanting to escape onto the lower rungs of that ladder, eg I find there is a pull towards intellectualisation (thinking about the feeling) or there is a drive to moralise the feelings (feeling the feelings) then I am wasting time, the thing to do which works most directly is to go ahead and ‘be’ that feeling, then this feeling is ‘me’ in operation, this is where the situation is ripe for change to take place.

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1077

Also it’s crazy that when I talk about feelings these days I am talking about tiny blips, as opposed to huge mountains that I would experience in the past. It’s like if there was a scale from 0-10, those problematic feelings never even get above say 3 on that scale, whereas in the past they would readily roar into the top numbers. I guess this is partly why I find it easier to ‘be’ those feelings, because in the past I almost had to place a bit of a buffer, otherwise it felt like I would be overwhelmed, as in like faint or go crazy or something haha. Whereas now I can go ahead and ‘be’ whatever feeling fully, as they are experienced more like a nuisance getting in the way of perfection and purity rather than a monster I am running from.

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1078

OK some more reasons why one may not be allowing oneself to ‘be’ ones feelings :

It seems there is an aspect related to maintaining control, as in the social identity wants to comment and shape these raw feelings into a story-line that is more palatable, or even a story line that ‘I’ am used to, in line with who ‘I’ am.
So for example allowing myself to ‘be’ a feeling of shame might go against the narrative that ‘I’ as social identity hold with regards to ‘my’ place in the group, an image which ‘I’ have been asserting all this time.
There is a fear that ‘I’ will find out something that ‘I’ simply cannot accept to be the case, yet this is ‘me’, so of course playing that game of deluding oneself is ultimately going to lead to hurt in one way or another. There has to be a willingness to invite change, because this new information will shift things in ways which simply do not align with the image ‘I’ have of ‘myself’ as a social identity.

There seems to be something like a radical sincerity required in order to ‘be’ one’s feelings, because then ‘I’ might as well throw any image of ‘myself’ out the window, it cannot be sustained in light of what is about to be unleashed haha. But this is a great thing actually, because one’s social identity will inevitably crumble at these experiences and one becomes more genuine.

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1079

So lately I have had these experiences of briefly seeing others as flesh and blood bodies only. It happened the other day when I was looking at some pictures of my mum, it was quite astounding to realise that I have never actually seen her. Who I saw my whole life was a phantom of my own creation and now all of a sudden I saw a fellow human being, I saw her as she actually is, super fascinating!

The other one happened in person yesterday when I briefly saw Sonya in the same way, it was like this whole cloud of stuff which I was previously relating with disappeared and indeed there was simply a flesh and blood body in front of me.
These experiences have been weird though because they are not full blown PCEs, it seems ‘I’ am still there in some degree but somehow getting a glimpse of the actual state of affairs, or perhaps it is ‘me’ commenting on the experience from the position of abeyance.

Either way the fascinating thing is that when only flesh and blood bodies remain then also all of the dramas disappear, because all of the dramas related only to those phantoms which are no longer extant. I can see how some people could see this as ‘throwing the baby out with the bathwater’ because it is an extreme solution, it goes right to the core of the problem and eliminates the very ‘entities’ that cause the problems in the first place. Then with flesh and blood bodies left there is nothing left to fight about or get sorrowful about. Looking at Sonya and seeing a flesh and blood body only there is nothing that could possibly get hooked onto with regards to sorrow and malice.

But it is a weird experience, in a fascinating way, that indeed others are made of stuff only, skin, eyes, hair etc I guess you can’t get any clearer about this than “flesh and blood bodies” haha.

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1080

Recently I have been re-reading a book which I started years ago but never finished, nevertheless it made a big impression on me back then, it’s - the better angels of our nature, by Steven Pinker.

The author first lays out the gruesome history of humanity, which in itself is a great reminder of why we are all doing this thing called actualism. But then he demonstrates that there has been a consistent trend away from brutality and towards human flourishing. It’s a big book so there is alot of different transition points but the whole time I am left thinking exactly what Richard always stated. That actual freedom is the next stage in humanity’s development.

It’s interesting because more than a few times in the book the author suggests that it is difficult to explain this trend towards the ease of suffering by specific or single causes, and yet it has been happening, almost as if guided by some ‘divine cause’.

Somehow against all these handicaps humanity has been progressively moving away from brutality and towards happiness, as Richard wrote - it is amazing what has been achieved despite the human folly.

What I am left wandering at, with amazement, is that actual freedom is indeed our destiny, it is what we are all here for. And in a sense it cannot be stopped, this potential that Vineeto wrote about recently is at core our essential character, it will find a way sooner or later.

My choice then is whether I do what I can to ensure the spread of peace and prosperity sooner rather than later, it is not if it will happen, it is when will it happen.

The other thing that leaves me with such appreciation is the understanding that all through the human history there have been individuals who did what they could to elevate humanity out of this brutality, even if just by a little bit.

It is obvious to us now that burning someone at the stake is pure madness and yet there had to be the individuals who were able to somehow peek outside of the orthodox way, of what was considered normal back then. And these were not little things to accomplish, they were pioneers just like we can now be pioneers - with regards to ending sorrow and malice once and for all.
The ground has been getting laid down all this time, we are standing on the shoulders of giants. What we are doing now is a continuation of the human endeavour to end suffering, a progression which has been working away all these thousands of years.

This potential which has been behind it all, is pure intent, and now this pure intent is squarely within the human consciousness. Contemplating all this leaves me with this ‘call to action’, it’s not so much that I have the obligation or responsibility but how could I not proceed in light of all the above?

Yesterday heading to one of my hen party gigs I was contemplating all this in a state of excellence and it was quite astounding, the ramifications. I could see that what ‘I’ am is the product of all this confusion and madness which has been bubbling away for centuries, and that whatever boundaries ‘I’ have which set ‘me’ apart are ultimately arbitrary. They are actually meaningless as there is no separation in actuality. I could see then that ‘me’ dissolving would be a simple case of being seen for the illusion that ‘I’ am. It seemed this could happen quite easily and quite suddenly. When I got to the hen party though I came out of excellence, some petty worry about the group thinking I am weird did it. But I am not disheartened at all because there is no reason I cannot get back on that horse again, it seems more and more accessible now.

In fact heading back from the hen party I experientially understood what Vineeto referred to in her email to @claudiu. That being ‘me’ is experienced as a burden, I felt this burden viscerally as soon as I found myself slowly gravitating back to reality. This burden does not belong to just the lone ‘I’ though, it is carried by all of mankind, this burden is ‘me’ just as much as it is ‘humanity’. There was a choice made then, that I am done with it, that I cannot accept going back there.

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1081

This is something that I am finding in myself lately, to some degree of course as I’m not actually free (and there is some dispute as to Milito’s claim). But I have noticed that lately it’s as if my mind is becoming free to ‘do it’s thing’, and quite marvellously too.

It’s like ‘problems’ are now these areas where the mind can be directed towards and wondrously come up with novel solutions. It’s really quite amazing to experience this, and this is happening with things related to work and security, things that would usually be ridden with thick and gloomy emotions or many confusing beliefs clashing etc.

Whereas now it’s like the mind is this super cool gadget that has an absolute blast coming up with solutions to problems, and the whole thing is not experienced as a chore, it’s actually so much fun. Things only become ‘real problems’ when ‘I’ step into the picture and turn the fun game into a battle for survival.

1082

There is so much else I want to write about, lately it’s like what Srinath described in a quote which I can’t find, but he wrote how prior to self immolation he would find ‘himself’ almost as if splitting into different personalities.

I find ‘myself’ as if 2 different people that take over during the day. At times ‘I’ am this ‘me’ that is bathed in excellence, ‘he’ is quite wafer thin and this is where all these cool things happen, like the mind doing it’s thing so effortlessly and with such gusto.
This can sometimes go on for hours (in varying intensity) and there are so many cool things to contemplate when in that state, wonder seems to be directed at anything and everything. This ‘me’ sees life as a wonderful activity in a magical universe, I guess naiveté is the word here.
For example I was playing Elden ring again the other day and I was almost blown away by what I was doing, how fun it was, what an adventure haha, writing it sounds kind of silly as I’m only playing a video game!

I was contemplating one of Geoffrey’s posts when in excellence yesterday, it was the ‘leathery armchairs’ post. And I got it, what he is referring to when he says :

For I had been exploring the unknown continent, its golden cities and living clouds, for weeks, without a word. When some letter found its way to me, its ink faded from the sea voyage, enquiring about matters so home-bound as to appear foreign

I got the extent of this, the magnitude of the distance between ‘reality’ and where Geoffrey is writing from, a distance so great that it cannot be breached. Of course these matters concerning ‘reality’ appear foreign, meaningless, how to even approach it, to grasp it, how to wrestle with something that is so impossibly distant and so completely meaningless?

But then there is this ‘grumpy old me’ that will take over for a few hours here and there, when there is something too dear to ‘my’ heart and the decision is made to go back into the old ways instead of remaining in excellence. It’s quite funny how from that position of the ‘grumpy old me’ everything is seen once more as a matter of life or death, living life is some kind of a chore, everything seems to take ‘effort’ and life in general is lacking this dynamic quality.

And how this can shift all of a sudden when the ‘naive me’ comes online again, now it’s like I am a kid in a playground, yet with adult sensibilities, it’s all just a fun game in a magnificent world, so effortless and so delightful.

I am finding that my recent advice regarding ‘being’ ones feelings as the only necessity for investigation is the thing that makes me go from ‘grumpy old me’ to the ‘naive me’. In fact focusing on this approach means I do not get caught up in that old dead end of ‘investigating’ for hours or days whilst actually just wasting time feeling bad.
So instead I notice I have been stuck in a rut, I decide to ‘be’ that feeling fully, before long it is seen how silly it is, and now I am back to excellence.

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1083

Re-reading that post, the last sentence caught my attention, sending tingles through the body :

For I had been exploring the unknown continent, its golden cities and living clouds, for weeks, without a word. When some letter found its way to me, its ink faded from the sea voyage, enquiring about matters so home-bound as to appear foreign: a quarrel about definitions, from the Royal Society of leathery armchairs, asking for my judgment. My ruling.

Please differentiate! they ask. Please settle our quarrel!

We wish to classify, exactly, those birds we’ve never seen!

So the golden city and the living clouds laughed and danced and sang:

"Won’t they open the windows? Won’t they bathe in the stream?

Won’t they take off their clothes, and swim through the sea?"

Damn this hits hard! indeed this is all ‘I’ have to do, take off ‘my’ clothes and swim through the sea, this is ‘my’ dissolution.

1084

IMG_1678
IMG_16782016×1512 1.47 MB

Grumpy old me :

  • Oh yeah that’s my dog poncho

Naive me :

  • What?! You mean I have this fairy-tale creature following me around all day long? Running about, playing, napping together - what a blast.
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1085

Claudiu's Journal - #166 by Kub933 - continuing this one. It seems that at some point in the past few days I pulled back from excellence due to this sense of ‘what have I got myself into’. Initially this is how I was experiencing this whole endeavour with buying the BJJ/MMA business :

So essentially things were being allowed to just do themselves, and it was all happening so easily and so marvellously, in fact I was shocked that I was doing all this without a care in the world it seemed. But it got to the point where this momentum was starting to put ‘me’ into new territory where ‘I’ have not been before. Then I remember this ‘oh shit’ feeling, like I am out of my depth here, it seems this is what made ‘me’ slam on the brakes.

It’s funny because I was always afraid of allowing actuality because I thought ‘I’ was needed in order to ‘perform at a high level’ whatever that means lol. But it seems ‘I’ have slammed on the breaks because things were happening too well without ‘me’ in the driver’s seat. So well that it seems ‘I’ have experienced some kind of stage freight, this reminds me a little of Devika pulling from the out from control virtual freedom she was living, this sense of no longer being able to live up to all that she wrote and spoke about. I thought to myself “am I really going to naively step into this new situation without a care in the world?” This seemed too ballsy, like “who am I to operate like that? Will I be shown to be a fool after all?”.

In fact this is exactly what the fear has been all along. I can see when in excellence that this perfection and purity allows life to be lived so magnificently, so magnificently in fact that ‘I’ am afraid, it’s all too smooth, too delightful, too magical, too carefree. ‘I’ dive back for control because it’s all too marvellous ahead, it’s too far from ‘my’ MO.

It was the same the other day when I got to the hen party job and I pulled from excellence, ‘I’ just couldn’t allow that ‘I’ could be in such a professional setting but experiencing life so marvellously. Like ‘I’ would be sticking out like a sore thumb, or doing something I am not meant to. So in short it seems that the fundamental feeling is one that says “living in perfection and purity is taboo” a sort of ‘we don’t do that around here’ kinda vibe.

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1086

I remember last week when in excellence that I was finding myself doing things and saying things that were out of character for me. So basically the gym I train at has been in a bit of a rut for a long time, and it seems everyone involved in the operations is completely content at things forever remaining the same.

Usually I would kind of sit back out of fear of ‘stirring the waters’ but all of a sudden I found myself naively going ahead and shifting the whole situation about, like I was shamelessly doing what needs to be done, whether it would stir the waters or not.
Like Geoffrey mentioned in the zoom chat you can do the big work project no problem, and with no fear of what others will think, you see something is sensible - you do it, or more precisely it happens.

Same for my work situation, all of a sudden I found myself being able to conceive of these new ways that I can operate within the company, and somehow having the balls to naively present these suggestion to the guys in charge, and the outcomes have all been great so far. This is the funny thing, this naive ‘me’ can get shit done so easily, whereas the ‘grumpy old me’ struggles so hard to get the basics done lol for ‘he’ is carrying a heavy burden.

So this fear of moving further into perfection and purity is a fear of it all going too well, it’s like will the rug eventually get pulled out from under ‘my’ feet and ‘I’ will land on my ass looking like a fool. Will ‘I’ make the fatal mistake of naively wandering too far from the ‘group’ and pay a dear price when all crumbles in the end?

Sounds like an atavistic fear to me haha!

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1087

This reminds me of Srinath’s report of becoming free :

I had to graciously bow out like a clumsy, incompetent old fool who had bumbled through life just about holding on to his job out of dumb luck. He realised that he had to hand over the reins to super-smart and infinitely better qualified young man.

So I am seeing now that indeed this new thing that lays ahead is a ‘super-smart and infinitely better qualified young man’. I can’t excuse things anymore with this belief that ‘I’ am needed for things to run optimally. In fact ‘I’ am afraid of just how smooth the operations can be on the other side.
It’s that the way this new consciousness would operate no longer functions within the rules and boundaries of ‘reality’, which is a good thing, for those ‘rules and boundaries’ are the very burden which makes ‘me’ so incompetent.

I can see that I am invested into all of ‘my’ insecurities, those ‘good reasons’ which apparently make life so difficult, they are excuses that ‘I’ can use to justify ‘my’ incompetence. And at the same time ‘I’ pull back when it is seen that life can live itself so successfully, that it becomes taboo to even consider living it.

It’s a clash, as in there is this entire personality that sprung up to deal with this fundamental burden of ‘being’, and now this new consciousness gayly hops around transgressing all those rules and boundaries, and yet doing a much better job.

But this is a big change, it makes me think of how people tend to experience stress when there is a substantial change in their life, whether it be negative or positive. It’s the change that matters, all those patterns which were solidified into a set system, a static picture of ‘me’, no longer apply.

It seems that a large aspect of this is a fear of operating outside of the boundaries which others know me through. I remember Srinath writing that the first day at work after becoming free he was concerned that he would be called out for having so much fun, it’s that kind of fear. The belief is that there is a static ‘me’ that others relate with, and that I am somehow bound to operate within this picture.

It’s kind of like when I was young and would turn up at school with a new haircut, or holding hands with a girl or anything that somehow shook up those set boundaries, it was as if the eyes of others would pick up on this immediately and they would immediately seek to ridicule.

So I can see as a response to this I retreated into a set of firm boundaries that would remain more or less unchanged going forward, this was ‘my’ attempt at generating security against this ridicule, as long as ‘I’ remained within this static picture, ‘they’ would leave ‘me’ alone. And this static picture is the ‘story of my life’, the one that ‘I’ am invested into repeating over and over, translating each event in line with those hang ups and insecurities which make up the story.

So the fear is about operating outside all of that, so much so that it is then no longer possible to step back and relate what is happening to this overarching ‘story of my life’. Then I can no longer be proud at having accomplished this or that, there is only enjoyment and appreciation left.

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1088

So lately I have been having these relatively frequent flashes of perfection, they always serve as a reminder of what is possible and where I am now in relation to that. A few times recently it happened when I was playing Elden ring, for those who know it’s a pretty difficult game and it can get somewhat tense at times, albeit in a very fun and stimulating way. But nevertheless that undercurrent of stress or tension to whatever degree gets in the way of the possible enjoyment and appreciation.

And so a few times I experienced this flip, from this fun but slightly tense ambience to one of utter perfection. Then the game is just as difficult, but there is only enjoyment and appreciation at the fact that I get to do it all in the first place.
All of sudden nothing matters in the long term, “will that boss kill me and I loose all my runes?” this no longer matters because it is the magical quality of being here in the first place and doing this business called being alive which is precious beyond compare.
When these flashes happen they serve exactly as reminders, it’s like the universe is going “look you have got yourself into a dead-end again, stressing over ‘what will happen’ when this perfection is all there is”.

And I notice it is the same with everything else, I was just studying some BJJ material and the same procedure went on, ‘I’ got all wrapped up in this quest, still fun, still exciting, but some kind of an undercurrent of stress there.
And it’s almost like I don’t realise this undercurrent is there until it is removed completely, then all of a sudden the slate is wiped clean and I am here, having a magical time learning how to choke someone with this new technique.
There is no stress, no concern about ‘what will be’, no need to control anything in relation to some ‘big picture’. And I find I am just as effective at carrying out whatever quest is in front of me, but now there is only enjoyment and appreciation left at getting to do it in the first place.

And it seems it is all related to no longer having a need for this ‘big picture’. This is what allows such enjoyment and appreciation, it is delighting with gay abandon, like Richard wrote - no longer saving myself for some special time or place. It seems the ‘big picture’ is the realm where ‘I’ play out ‘my’ fears and battle for ‘my’ security, and so ‘I’ can never fully enjoy and appreciate being here now.

It’s interesting because as much as the experience of perfection is just as fresh and delightful every time, it has now gone from a ‘wow’ to an ‘of course’. As in of course everything is perfect, of course I know this, of course I am this body, of course ‘I’ am but a phantom.
I went to the shops this morning to buy some tobacco and walking back to the car ‘my’ very core faded back for some time, again it was utterly delightful but there was this ‘of course’ more than the ‘wow’ dominating the scene.
It was a very smooth and stable experience, it was the simple joy of being a body, unencumbered by any ‘being’ inside. Then from that position of being utterly unencumbered anything and everything could be delighted in, non-stop. Rather than some blissful state it is a freedom to delight, as in now that the shackles are off I am free to delight. It is such a silent contentment also, not something that I would need to shout from the rooftops, but rather this perennial contentment at being alive.

Driving home I was still very much in a magical land but with ‘me’ kind of phasing in and out. I remember looking around at the colours, it has been raining here recently and the grass near the road was such a deep and lush green, it was like the whole world was an oil painting. But again there was this sense of ‘of course’, as in of course only the sensate world genuinely exists, of course all of this is actually here.

It is so funny that now this seesaw is constantly going, I’m constantly zipping from ‘you gotta stress about the big picture!’ to ‘oh man there is only enjoyment and appreciation left’. It’s like an instant shift where what ultimately matters shifts from that which is ‘out there’ to that which is immediate. The funny bit is that they are both kind of fighting it out for primacy. There is this pull towards investing in something ‘out there’, some thing which promises eternity, and then there is the pull into a world where the immediate is the ultimate. It’s like a battle between instinctual security seeking on one hand and delighting with gay abandon on the other.

So the question seems simple and right in front of me. Do ‘I’ allow this body to delight with gay abandon, to only enjoy and appreciate this magical world OR do ‘I’ choose to continue carrying the burden of ‘being’ and for what? What objection do ‘I’ still have which keeps ‘me’ carrying the burden? Like @claudiu wrote, where I am experiencing from right now the only objection seems that it feels dangerous to proceed into perfection, it is not a specific thing but rather the very force of ‘my’ being.

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1089

What seems different lately is that I seem to have a very good grasp of the nature of what I am going for. This is somewhat entailed in this ‘of course’ sense in which actuality is being glanced. It seems very obvious now, things are coming together experientially. As in I understand what being an identity is all about and I also have a clear grasp of what it means to exist as a body only.
There is this sensate world which actually exists and in which this body exists and there is the world of calenture that ‘I’ exist in. The distance which needs to be bridged is so minuscule, in fact it does not actually exist at all.
Actuality is all that exists and it is not so weird either, as in it could not be any other way, hence when ‘I’ fade back there is this sense of ‘of course’. Just past this thin veil of ‘me’ is this enormous stillness, like a hush that is all around, and everything exists within/is supported by this stillness. ‘I’ resist the movement into this stillness because in there there is no longer any space for ‘me’, ‘I’ no longer have agency in that place.
Allowing this body to exist in actuality means ‘I’ relinquish any control/agency. I think part of the problem is that ‘I’ confuse agency for will. As in ‘I’ feel that once ‘I’ relinquish control there will be some kind of a zombie left behind. Like this body will become a leaf blowing in the wind, so ‘I’ desperately try to remain in control, to steer it towards safety it seems?
It’s like once ‘I’ take ‘my’ foot off the break pedal there will be a motion that ‘I’ am no longer able to control, which is to say life will live itself. It does feel like boarding on a train that continues to speed up and cannot ever be slowed down again. Yet a lack of agency does not mean absence of will, life living itself does not mean life living itself blindly.

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1090

I’d put it like this. You don’t have to proceed any further than that point in order to stabilize being at that point. You may be doing what I was doing which is to try to go forward and self-immolate from that point, then fail or shrink back and go back to normal.

The reason it doesn’t work is you aren’t yet comfortable enough to proceed past that point.

But you don’t have to! You’re already comfortable enough to reach that point.

So my advice to you is to go back to that point and then commit to staying there. Don’t try to go any further for now, just explore and see if it is safe to stay precisely there. I started to do this shortly before I went out-from-control and I found it very easy to do. You already have everything you need to be able to do it.

Then you will have the luxury of always being at least at that point and you can more freely and easily explore things from there.

Cheers and best regards,
Claudiu

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1091

Ah yes that is great advice, because this is exactly what I have been doing, as soon as I get to that point I’m screaming “ok now, you gotta do it now!” Haha.

So this is something that I was considering a while ago, to get to a point where I can be in that ‘inbetween place’ more or less all the time. And by ‘inbetween place’ I mean this dynamic state where ‘I’ am no longer in stark reality and yet it is not all the way through to actuality either, it’s like I am on the cusp of actuality at all times, it’s all around and yet there is this tiniest/flimsiest bit in the way. So the goal would be to accustom myself to remain there, that seems doable.

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1092

And remaining in that ‘inbetween place’ is the same as saying allowing pure intent to dynamically work. Which once committed to fully becomes an out from control virtual freedom.

So first accustom and then dare to commit fully. @claudiu man I’m gonna be nipping at your heels soon! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

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The interesting thing is that I was on this over a year ago when I wrote the below post :

You replied with the below :

And I wonder if you were essentially incorrect here, by proposing that allowing pure intent is merely a function of facilitating enjoyment and appreciation which is what actualism is all about, or that at the very least it is not something that needs to be focused on as a priority in itself. And in a sense that is correct, that the ‘in the meantime’ method of actualism is all about enjoying and appreciating. But to carry this all the way through to it’s ultimate conclusion it is all about allowing pure intent to dynamically operate in one’s life. Also even whilst doing the ‘in the meantime’ business, a connection to pure intent makes the whole thing a breeze vs some arduous task when ‘I’ do it alone.

I remember around that period (not throwing blame around here btw :joy:) I pulled back from this dynamic aspect of allowing pure intent and instead became obsessed with making an in control virtual freedom work. This seemed like a step back for ages because I eliminated something that was actually the main ingredient. Essentially ‘I’ went back to trying to do it all by ‘myself’, without the assistance of this something outside of ‘me’.

From where I am now I can see what Richard was able to do in order to go straight into an out from control virtual freedom, and it was allowing pure intent to dynamically operate.

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1094

The way I see it at the moment is like this, without pure intent the whole thing becomes ‘me’ trying to fix ‘reality’ from the inside all by ‘myself’. Whereas when pure intent is active the whole thing becomes about ‘me’ progressively getting closer to what is experienced to be a magical wonderland. Of course eventually ‘I’ hit a wall that cannot be passed, but ‘I’ can get pretty damn close.

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Really enjoying reading these entries from you and @claudiu