Reminder to self.
Every single fear I have of self-immolation, every single argument I have against it, every twinge of trepidation, every single doubt no matter how sublte…is answered and muted and put to rest while in a PCE/EE.
I had this realisation last night while in bed half-asleep. I then woke up with it being my first thought. During the day yesterday I found myself reading through a thread on actualist practice on the DhO that Srinath and Claudiu had started last year I think, and it was triggering old habitual patterns of thinking/belief and feelings of fear to come up, really obvious fears about self-immolation.
But then this realisation while half-asleep occured…I am not sure why it never was considered before because it is obvious.
Every single fear is muted in a PCE. Remembering that fear that came up from reading that DhO thread while half asleep, I also remembered the purity of the PCE, the fact that it IS the safest place, and this triggers momentary apperception, EEs then PCEs that last seconds then back to EE’s. But the fear is put to rest immediately. The fear juxtaposed with the memory of experience of how safe the actual world is, blows the fear away immediately. So, anytime this occurs again, I will repeat this: Fear comes up, tap into pure intent, allow EE/PCEs to occur even for brief seconds, and see that fear lose ground. That fear really has no legs to stand on in the actual world.
Previously I was questioning why I had fear, investigating the beliefs and seeing them as silly, which they all are, but those beliefs are subtle and sometimes not seen clearly. But this “newly discovered” way for me feels like a significant development, as I am feeling amazingly good at the moment, and appreciating and enjoying this moment of being alive seems automatic.
My chest feels clear of the dank heaviness that at times I am feeling. The practice in the post above that Srinath suggested at that link has, for some reason, made the path clearer and these past number of days seems to have made it ever more where I wish to go i.e. self-immolation.
I know that feeling good and appreciating this moment of being alive is the method, but I am finding that tapping into pure intent again and again, to be the thing that works magically, and feeling good and appreciating this moment of being alive is the constant magical result of tapping into pure intent. That golden thread is key.
I think previously, “I” was trying to “feel good” but trying to force myself to feel good and appreciate this moment. Tapping again and again into pure intent, remembering the purity of the PCE, of the actual world, where seeing the purity of the actual world from the edge of my eyeballs (to maybe misquote something I think Peter said) as opposed to seeing it from the centre of my head filtered through that soupy heavy filter of “me”, naturally leads to feeling good, appreciation, naïveté and then more and more PCEs/EEs. The way forward has become so much clearer these past days.
The picking apart of whatever I post here previously brought up fear of judgement as Claudiu pointed out, but that fear also is muted in a PCE/EE no matter how short and momentary it is. Now, I look forward to it, as it presents a mirror that sheds light on things I’d not really 100% considered.
Goodness, “I” feel good atm. If anything, this path is a happy one.
Note: edited a few times.