Yea, so that was not the end of it, and this ‘bruise’ turned out to be nothing but a window into the whole morass of related issues. That ‘nice guy’ self-image was just the tip of the iceberg of sexual identity. I wasn’t able to get back to feeling good completely, so I used this opportunity to make myself coffee then sit and do nothing but look into all of it whilst remembering what Vineeto said to me (“don’t forget to enjoy and deeply appreciate solving the puzzle [..]”)
It has been quite productive! Far less seriousness, and more fun at finding out how I tick. I have been sharing detailed notes with the-other-actualist, but the main theme I discovered at first is the mechanism of self-worth in operation.
I.
Without seeing its mechanism , self-worth remains just a nebulous blob. In fact, this goes for any belief/issue/feeling I suppose. What I saw: self-worth actually stems from other people’s feeling or perception[1] about me. Especially women’s perception of me in regards to attraction cum affection. I have always been, since as a young kid, able to almost intuit them (affectively) looking down upon me in the attraction/ sexual sense, for instance. It doesn’t stop there though. Instinctively, I then introject (great word; check it out) their perception (or rather my intuition of it); and thus, start to feel myself insecure or as having low self-worth.[2] I have internalized or introjected this perception, and made it part of my identity, and then ‘live with it’. Being obsessed and skilled at computers has always provided welcome relief and a worthy source of identity.
This improved my mood substantially for I realized I can simply stop introjecting other people’s psychic contents. I do not have to identify as such, and that I am my own person.
II.
Shortly after, I experienced disquietude and unease about not having a ground to stand upon. Because - this low self-worth, despite being pathetic, provided me a secure ground to stand upon. My identity had a reliable ‘outline’, and now I seem to need a new ‘outline’ or else I’d fall. I remembered my PCE (the stillness of this moment) and avoided the temptation to adopt new identites.
III.
Since then I employed total affective awareness to notice every other aspect of the sexual identiy as they popped up. I saw how desire, sorrow and loneliness operated in tandem. The last one of them proved to be tricky: it seemed that loneliness, when felt in the moment, had no ‘solution’ other than dissolution or an IE by virtue of a near-actual intimacy. But, I remembered my PCE as well recalled being naive when the PCE ended. Then, I simply utilized TMBOA’s ‘seeing the silliness’ to see how it is silly to waste this moment feeling lonely, and it worked! I was actually surprised how I began feeling better than good right away, and it has remained that way, even as I entered my apartment and thereon felt excellent … something I haven’t felt since December.
It appears that the game right now is quite simple: keep feeling good, and ruthelessly explore all diminishments. I’m sure more, including the above (with different aspects), will pop up again, but I’m ready for it. Bring it on. I’m gonna keep feeling good no matter what, and nothing is worth taking me away from that path. I’ve got nothing to lose.