Just feel good, bro

[syd]

@syd

I’m already tackling the general theme of belonging as the next issue.

For posterity, here are related posts:

@syd

So, this is now firmly established … that by default I do not really care much about other people, outside of my personal bubble of emotional interest. How do I feel in response? A bit sad … bitter-sweet sadness (longing + loss) in fact [which “bitter-sweet sadness” eventually changed into a greater sense of freedom!]. [..] For now, I shall sit with this sadness and any other accompanying feelings for however long, regardless of the outcome.

Later, all of this enabled resurfacing of this exact fear from 2 weeks ago:

@syd

[..] a deep separation distress which then got exposed, and I felt the all-too-familiar immense fear at being a contingent being utterly separate from everyone, and thus eternally lonely. [..]

(Back then, allowing this fear by embracing death lead to a PCE.)

---

What is happening right now:

• There is simply no way to “improve” things within the framework of “me”.
  • No matter much I change “myself”, “I” fundamentally remain the same grotty self needing to merge with other “selves”. This is the belonging instinct. No matter how much I purify “myself” (by following whatever social dictates du jour, etc.), it will remain as Richard says “a chancy deception” (Quotes - #292 by syd).
  • I could go back into the illusion of hope, but I do not want to, as I know the cycle then repeats.
• Thus, the only option left: let the fear (which underlies despair) do its thing. Let whatever part of “me” die in the process, allowing something new (sensous; firmly here; close to the PCE; etc.) to unfold.
  • Stay firmly on course; DO NOT FALL BACK TO HOPE.