I think it’s the re-emergence of my actual memories, usurping the status of ‘my’ normal priorities. Normally, as you say, everything is referenced back to feelings, and on top of that we tend to obsess over perseverate on just a few select thoughts/concepts. For me it’s been, ‘girls-sex-friends-fun-money-work.’ The mental ‘space’ is pretty small, and heavily clouded by emotion.
In the actual, my mind is free-wheeling and picking memories, thoughts, and facts from all kinds of surprising parts of my brain that I haven’t accessed in a long long time, and taking associations in surprising non-habitual directions. Vineeto describes it as one of the first characteristics she notices when she becomes free:
For instance I noted that sentences were now coming out of me as if from nowhere – there was no causal sequence of thoughts preceding a conclusion (such as because A there is B and therefore C) but my thoughts/words were rather emerging from a surprising overall all-encompassing awareness that then voiced results out of a reservoir of my accumulated knowledge and experience on a particular topic.
This has a similar character to what I’m describing.
I experience this as a much larger ‘context,’ everything I have ever learned is accessible/flowing, rather than things being indexed back to sex or money or whatever it may be for you. It may be related to the experience of infinitude as well, rather than the well-trod highways of ‘humanity.’
Feeling a bit of rejection today as a past & prospective partner is seeming reluctant to see me
I’ve been getting glimpses of the possibility & simplicity of not centering/prioritizing ‘girls,’ and this is one of the moments where this gap is apparent
Over there, in the actual, is ‘easy,’ ‘nothing matters,’ ‘no problem,’ ‘actually, this is an excellent state of affairs!’
Here, is: ‘me,’ ‘I want,’ ‘why doesn’t she,’ ‘I’m not good enough.’
And the subtle & not-so-subtle pressures that come along with that.
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She’s experiencing fear, doubt, hope, etc. etc.
As well as, she has her own intelligence informing her of what’s best to do.
And equally for me.
That human activity is what got us here, and what got all of us here.
That’s the current state of things: the world as-it-is, with people-as-they-are.
I remember how confusing it was for me a few years ago, before I went down the rabbit hole. Trying to succeed at, ‘normal.’
That’s where she is, trying to balance ‘normal’ and some hopeful version of ‘doing well.’
She’s not sure how I fit into that. I probably seem a bit strange. Very understandably, ha.
I’m not about to change. Not in that way. I’m remembering the people leaving the convivium in the fear-fuelled-flurry. And that was right before Peter & Vineeto became free. There’s something in those contrasting events that’s very interesting to me. They’re related.
If she’s not quite sure how to exist around me, or she has trepidation, that’s ok. It’s very understandable. I might even go so far as to say, I understand. I appreciate everything she’s done. I think she’s a little misguided in her approach, but so is everyone. It’s no insult, it takes nothing away from her. Where she is.
I have that recent ambience-experience-surprise from last week. Some of the closest connection I’ve ever had with anyone, no need to hide anything, just saying what came to mind, just being the outcome of everything that has come before, each-moment-again. It was being supported by the understanding-connection-support that was being given from outside of me. But now, I have to give myself that, because I can’t count on it coming from outside. If anything, I can count on it NOT coming.
I’ve been noticing the ‘gappy’ nature of ‘human,’ of ‘me.’ ‘I’ leave the actuality for some fear-fantasy.
That’s what everyone is doing all the time, leaving now. Leaving perfection. I guess that’s normal. The chasm that ‘I’ create.
It’s not even ‘leaving,’ because I was never there to start with.
I’m in the way.
I’m in the way of her perfection, too.
I’m still in, “I want” and then wanting to complain about what she’s doing.
The world is a perfect situation, I’m just stepping in.
It’s literally great that she gets to decide what she’s doing, it’s literally great that she gets to delay/stall/determine what she wants. She’s feeling me out; that’s what people do.
She has her own fears & emotional traumas, and that’s not something I can like ‘argue away.’ It’s what’s happening. I can’t unwind it via willpower or something.
By removing my own objections, I’m creating the clearest & cleanest environment/ambience possible.
That means, “I have no objections to any outcome.”
That means, “I will not attempt to influence you on the psychodynamic plane.”
I will say things. I will do what I view as, ‘the best for me, her, and everyone.’ But, it cannot come from ‘me.’ I know what that leads to. I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t have any integrity in myself in that situation, either.
It’s coming from insecurity. It’s obvious. I’m just so used to swimming in those waters.
There is a ‘human logic’ in, “I feel bad” = “I bet if I had a girl / the right girl / that girl over there, I would feel good” = “I got the girl! I’m having fun!” = “I’m no longer having fun, this must be the wrong girl” = “She is doing the wrong things” = “I’m alone-lonely, I feel bad, because I don’t have a girl.”
It makes perverse sense. I could chase that the rest of my life.
–
I did something neat last night: I could see I was afraid of rejection. To the point of, fearing death. Somehow, it was energetically connected.
And I just replaced that image (“Death”) with, sitting at home on my own, drinking tea.
That’s what ‘being alone’ actually is. A nice cup of tea. The sun streaming in the window. Cozy by myself. That is what will happen when, “alone” happens. Rejection loses its sting.
It helped a lot.
–
That’s relevant with that situation, today. “She doesn’t want to see me,” = “Tea.”
So sweet. Especially if I put honey in it! Yum!
Usually that moment (“Alone”) turns into, “wallowing.”
When “wallowing” is happening, I don’t even think to make tea for myself, or to look out the window. Perhaps I could muster gazing out the window despondently. That’s what seems interesting to ‘Henry.’
Seems like a silly bloke tbh, this ‘Henry’ fellow!
–
This unraveling is far beyond what I could see or expect. It’s happening so rapidly. I never predicted it would be like this.
It’s coming out of what I saw maybe a month ago, the sweetness that is intimacy with now. The sweetness of connecting with another without ‘cerebral,’ ‘being right’ in the way. The outcome of that is the loss of love. The loss of ‘insecure.’ I’m surprised.
I’m so bold, too, now. It was a little odd experiencing with my partner yesterday because I’ve never been this bold with her before. There was always some hiding. I had an anxiety because I wasn’t sure what would happen with being that bold, but I was doing it anyway. I couldn’t not anymore. And it’s only led to more closeness-intimacy.
My objections are dropping away! I’m like Srinath was. There are so few objections anymore. It could happen at any time, now.
I had some emotional-insecurity things come up last night, and I uncovered & removed them so quickly. It was stark, too. Loneliness was right there. And I just took it away. And then I moved on to the next thing.
And then today, ‘insecurity’ came up, ‘rejection’ came up, but it is perfect. She/it/the situation/I really (actually?) am perfect. Just as things are going.
The entire process of becoming free hasn’t gone how ‘I’ imagined it would.
So, how could ‘I’ know what she is going to do? If she will become free (or even more free)? Or what that would look like, if she were to? It’s nothing but a pressure. ‘Me’ placing pressure. Which…. is an obstacle to freedom. ‘I’ throw some traffic barriers in the road because ‘I’ want something. Wow. That is what is happening.
It’s so cruel of me! It’s so selfishly cruel.
All because I feel insecure.
She’s a person, she was a child before. Trying to understand what to do. Trying to live. And I have to show up and throw obstacles in the way for her to deal with.
Because I’m so important to myself.
And I’m just being human, too. It’s not even anything to feel bad about. It’s what it is, to ‘be human.’
But I don’t have to do that anymore.
Why not become free, right now? It’s right there.
It’s like everyone I’ve ever met is cheering me on. They want me to be happy.
It’s so light and sweet
All the argumentative edgelords in the world will keep arguing with me because they have to prove themselves, just as all this time I’ve had to prove myself to them.
That’s ok.
People will still try to manipulate me.
I can become unmanipulatable. Nothing to manipulate.
I’m trying to ‘imagine’ that, but it’s unimaginable.
I think it was Geoffrey that said, after he was free, that the idea of ever not enjoying & appreciating becomes ridiculous. “Enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, is what I do.”
It’s as simple as that. Always enjoying & appreciating. Always free, always perfect, always peace-on-earth.
It’s always perfect and it always has been perfect.
I don’t have to wait any longer.
‘Humanity’ doesn’t have to be me any longer.
I’m like the little kid on christmas morning again, delighting in playing. In a new place each moment again.
–
Some subtle objection still… what is….
I want others to agree with me
I know they won’t
I want them to be nice to me
I know they won’t
Normally when those things happen, I ‘jump’
I don’t have to jump
It can be perfect
There’s a part of me that’s disbelieving
But I can never know ‘for 100%.’
There’s always that leap of faith aspect.
I allow it to happen, not knowing for 100% what will happen.
That makes me shiver existentially
A leap of faith. But I’ve already been human, ‘me.’ I know that discomfort. And there are already loads of people being human, ‘me.’ That ground has been covered. There is pioneering to be done in the actual.
I originally wanted to be come free because I could immediately see that it was the best possible. That’s what I want, the best possible.
Do I want it enough to make that leap? To ‘close the gap.’
The gap is the chasm
I existentially hang over the chasm when I take that leap
I’ve been depressed before. I can do it again. I’m not afraid of that as an outcome.
Reading reddit, someone reported struggling and I had a pang of compassion
I’m afraid for him, I sympathize-empathize.
I already know where that leads. Perfection is right there as an alternative
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Exhaustion, combined with being overwhelmed by others’ high-energy chaos.
Could use a nap
What can I do with this situation
It’s a lot more tangible & visceral than it has been. This situation is happening, I’m choosing suffering over perfection.
I’m worried over others’ experience
Feeling responsible for their suffering, too
They’re interested in chaos right now
They’re existing chaotically
There’s overwhelm there, too
Their chaos-overwhelm-anxiety is threatening to me, why?
I think I’m going two directions with it, I’m repulsed by it but it has seduction for me too, it sounds “fun” and then I’m afraid that maybe I’m a “stick-in-the-mud”
But I’m also afraid of oblivion, of being ‘out of control.’ Of ‘hurting someone’ from being so ‘out of control.’
I don’t have to be either, just do what’s sensible
The best of all worlds
Chaos & order aren’t really opposites anyway, they’re human inventions. It’s all just flying around at all times. That’s the infinitude. There are patterns, but they’re not really of ‘my invention’ anyway.
To someone else I’ll look like a stick-in-the-mud, to someone else I’ll look chaotic. There’s no getting around those labels coming from others.
And really the problem is that I seem to ‘have a problem’ with their chaos… of course they’re chaotic, that’s what they’re doing. People are chaotic sometimes. Whatever that means. That’s what they’re doing. I don’t have to.
I’m tired of propping myself up like some authority on how to live. I don’t know. I know some things from experience but I don’t know everything. I don’t need to always be telling others what’s what. It’s just as well that others are living different lives than me.
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Wow, this is big.
Any space can be explored, I can go anywhere.
I had whole aspects that were ‘off limits’
I’d decided they were too scary (“too chaotic”)
But it’s only because of some ‘bad experiences’ I had awhile back.
And the only way I know they’re ‘bad experiences’ is that I felt afraid / feel afraid.
What does it look like without fear?
What is it like, to exist there, as a free man?
What is it like to exist here as a free man?
I don’t get to be an authority anymore
I don’t get the perceived security of being an authority on how to live anymore
The ultimate security comes from being this body
There’s no security in ‘reality,’ ‘humanity.’
Maybe I’ll change my mind, be ‘a hypocrite’ in the eyes of others
This is so wild to me right now. I can see how tightly I’ve held myself. Trying to be ‘in control,’ trying to find ‘the formula’
I’ve made people uncomfortable. I threaten them: “Henry knows best”
I remember my dad has done that a lot. “I know best”
All for my own security. I’m afraid of what could happen.
Everything can happen. That’s what’s happening: everything. That’s the infinitude, too: everything.
Seems a bit big, haha
Just a touch big
–
Why not, freedom?
Because I’m scared of infinitude.
Well… that’s what’s happening. I’m scared of what’s happening. I’m holding back from experiencing it completely.
That’s the life-well-lived that I’ve been after. I can’t back down now.
Extremely eye-openingly bumpy time the last few days with relationship / insecurity / ‘rivals.’
Anger, sorrow, misery in full swing
Lots of believed imagination of ‘what is happening’
Freedom / eatmoba far away
Luckily was able to remind myself to get back to some semblance of feeling good before attempting to decide anything or to understand the situation
Morality has made the situation more difficult going backward in time because I’ve severely limited my own options / been dogmatic about what the options available are. Loosening that up brought an obvious sense of relief that then allowed me to see the situation considerably more clearly
Still plenty of emotion behind anything that comes up.
Treading with a degree of caution right now.
I’m clearly clinging extremely tightly to love, relationship, & sexual desire
I don’t know what it will take for me to drop them but it’s obvious the suffering & unreasonableness that they produce.
& the pain. Experiencing a lot of pain.
The other day I stopped my friend from consoling me for something. I could see that the consoling was preventing me from seeing what my emotion consisted of. All the consoling and compassion keeps everyone in humanity.
All this pain is what she was trying to protect me from.
I was alone with my partner’s dog and I could see that my suffering was effecting the dog. The dog didn’t know what to do, it was confused. It probably thought it was doing something wrong.
Need to get back to feeling good somehow for this to be productive.
I can already see clearly the pain, I don’t need more of that at this moment lol. The evidence is there.
I’m actually reminded a bit of the dread Richard experienced when he became free… during the period he was Enlightened he was protected from the dread. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt pain like this. I’ve had defense mechanisms built up for some years. Maybe ‘smart’ was doing some of that protecting. And suppressing anger for so long kept the fullness of it from expressing. I never let myself go down that road, I’d make myself feel bad instead. Which ironically protected me from really big fear. That’s pretty interesting. I guess I was blaming the world for my problems instead of taking it on fully myself.
I’m still blaming her a lot. That’s making less and less sense. She’s suffering too. And most of the things that I’m mad at her about are in my imagination. They literally never happened.
Another aspect is that it’s ok for me to express that I want something to be different. I’ve not allowed myself to do that much, in the name of ‘her independence.’ But I can see now that it’s a different thing. It’s ok and necessary for me to express my preferences.
A lot of nurture pulling at my heart. Literal pain from it.
The core of my suffering has to do with my beliefs about what my partner should be doing in relation to me, what I’m allowed to do, and my fears of possible outcomes of those things.
Obviously there are a ton of different possible outcomes, but the scariest one would consist of: she doesn’t like me / she is just using me / I am useless / no one will be attracted to me / she will go be with a rival instead
Especially interesting because of the huge amount of possible outcomes, like really there is a bunch of life happening that has nothing to do with her or ‘relationship,’ or me for that matter. So then I’m obsessing over not only this specifically, but also with trying to prevent one particular especially scary outcome.
And being so afraid of that particular outcome makes my ambience not fun at all to be around. Actually painful. The dog was feeling it and it’s the same for people.
And I’m still blaming her for my problems. It’s really not her fault that I’m having a bad time.
Overall the last few months have been really good. Certainly not flawless perfection all the time, but really good. It seems whenever she’s in town my emotional tone goes off the rails. I guess that’s the love at work.
When I’m by myself I’m pretty focused on becoming free / perfection, but when there’s a girl in the picture so much of the energy is directed toward romantic love. I wonder how long I’ll keep up this drama. It’s always been there in the past. I even remember feeling love for a girl in my class in Kindergarten. And actually now that I remember back there was a girl that lived in my neighborhood when I was even younger.
And obviously it’s the game that humanity has been playing since time out of mind. Just about any media you can find out there is love-positive.
It all feels very nice until she starts doing things that I don’t want her to do. Then everything shifts to hyper-fear.
I could just say fear but it is intense.
Can I be more interested in fascination of what is happening / what will happen / “how it works” than interested in being afraid?
Somewhat. Right now I’m definitely very fearful of those outcomes.
Maybe I can become free of it by looking at it as directly as possible.
This has been tricky for me because so often in the past it was an intellectual process that didn’t always ‘stick.’ I wonder how I could make it as actual as possible.
Maybe by listening to Richard and getting back to a good space first haha
I’ll have some decaf coffee as a treat, maybe that will help.
There wasn’t time at the cafe for me to get my drink before I had to be back at work, so I’ll have to go back there
I could see that as ‘time was running out,’ that I was feeling some panic
I remember working at a cafe and trying to work through the line (the girl was alone as well) and that sense of panic infecting because everyone had their own ‘time is running out’
The whole day I’d be rushing here and there because I was trying to be fast for everyone
But all I wanted was a treat so I could feel better and that was enough reason for me to panic. And thinking I had to perform in some certain way with work. It’s ok. Nothing bad is really happening.
It’s obvious too that my overall anxiety-vibe was what created my fear in that situation, too. Usually I’m way more patient than that. I’ve seen that a lot, once fear is the overall state it takes over just about anything.
Starting to get pretty sick of myself!!! But it takes more than just ‘sick of myself’ to become free. It can be motivation to do what needs to be done though.
It’s funny too, I am feeling better even though I haven’t gotten that decaf coffee (yet!). Because I noticed that vibe thing. It was enjoyable to make that connection. There’s inherent satisfaction in noticing things.
It’s just a question of noticing things around these really thorny, difficult, painful emotions and beliefs
Only for me are they thorny, difficult, painful. In the actual world they’re none of these.
For me, right now, I still experience those emotions in conjunction with events and anticipating certain events. That’s what belief is: these events are bad. These events are good.
Making out is good, attention is good.
Though. I’ve been in situations before where I didn’t want to make out, and in situations where I didn’t want someone’s attention.
So then it’s about, if I desire it. Desire is good. Well, that’s just a circle.
I know it’s good because it feels good
When a pretty girl looks at me it feels good, I like it, so it’s good
When a pretty girl ignores me / looks at someone else, it feels bad, I don’t like it, so it’s bad.
And then all my closest friends and indeed most of humanity all agree with me about that, so I guess it’s just reality. Destined to suffer forever in those situations.
That’s where I am right now… I can only barely see a way out. It’s like looking through a keyhole. For some reason, I keep seeing this snow-covered mountain through the keyhole. There are a lot of mountains where I live. I bet I had a PCE and was looking at the mountains, once. And so I’m comparing: my girl-centric reality, and this perfection as demonstrated by this wonderful perfect mountain. And actually everything is wonderful and perfect, just like this mountain. But I’m still inside this room, locked in here as ‘me.’ But I am peeking out, too. I wonder what it will take for me to open the door and leave forever.
I really do care about her. Earlier I was getting so mad and I caught myself because I was worried about her dying, but then here she is actually alive, and actually a really pleasant person to be around her, and I choose to be mad at the currently-alive her. The fear of her dying is for ‘me,’ just as my anger is for ‘me’ and my desire is for ‘me.’ It’s all for me.
And as long as me is there, I’ll keep feeling mad toward her. Which makes her feel bad. Just as a matter of fact, it does.
And I’ll keep trying to control her.
The very thing that I can’t stand when other people do it to me.
I want her to be free and happy! What am I doing?
I’m stuck because I’m still afraid of those certain situations.
They still automatically feel bad for me. They’re still there as belief.
I’m somehow constrained in how I’m thinking about this. I keep trying to use the same strategy over and over and I keep running into a wall. Maybe it’s a good time to read over the method again.
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This seems to be my trouble right now:
Peter: A willingness or intent to make freedom from malice and sorrow one’s main ambition in life – to become happy and harmless.
That is not currently my main ambition in life. My main ambition in life is still, ‘talk to / impress / sleep with pretty girls.’
Somewhere along the way, I lost the thread. It must have been years ago. I’ve been a fake actualist this whole time.
Luckily I was faking just enough to make actual progress. Convenient! Maybe lucky? Just enough pure intent to make it this far. Thank you, actual world. The benevolence is indeed palpable.
For that matter, ‘I’ did quite a bit of work in terms of getting myself off my ass and wanting to connect with the actual world, even if it did end up being quite a bit about that particular goal.
It’s interesting, when I was in Ballina Richard didn’t try to discourage me in this. He saw that it was my greatest motivator. He encouraged me. “That is the most attractive Henry. Go become the most attractive Henry.”
And then now I’m here. It’s pretty neat.
More powerful than I’ve ever been, more chaotic than I’ve ever been, and with that view through the keyhole. And with a human being that I do care for and that I am motivated to be peaceful with and who just by existing constantly reveals ‘my’ hypocrisy to myself. I’d be very embarrassed about it if I didn’t have some context. ‘I’ am by my nature a hypocrite. But I don’t have to keep being a hypocrite.
Hm hmmmmm.
I’ve started noticing how long these entries are. I remember in school it seemed like such a chore to write a paper. And just now I’ve banged out 9 pages and it’s a joy, in less than 2 hours. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing than this. I guess I feel some pride about that. That’s ok, I can pat myself on the back. Good job, Henry! Very studious. Once again, it’s gotten me this far. Neat.
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Ok, how can I redirect my ambition at this stage? What does it take?
I’m such a hypocrite for being mad at her. I want her to be free. Is that enough?
I’ll do it to the next girl I see, too. I just know it.
Unless I stop now. Now, is the only time I can stop. (Thanks to @JonnyPitt for his reminders!!)
Well my ambience has already shifted considerably since an hour ago / 2 hours ago / 6 hours ago. Massively, actually. That is encouraging.
Why not keep going?
I want to be certain that I will stand up for myself. It has a similar character to what @Kiman was pointing out: not being walked all over by others. In this case, by her. I constantly sell out because I’m so worried she’ll leave.
The selling out via worry leads to the anger. The anger is connected to my sense of powerlessness, because there is no way I can keep anyone from leaving. It breaks my heart.
The anger also scares her, too. It makes her feel weak, powerless, threatened, depressed, anxious. She gets angry in response, too.
It’s so tumultuous.
Another girl asked me last week, in response to that tumult, “why are people like this?”
–
More to do, but for now it’s time to take care of errands. Questions still running.
I think the currency that any pleasure or fantasy command is based on the difference between the present state and the emotions that fantasies can create. It’s like the electric force between positive charge and negative charge. The stronger either of the charges, the stronger will be the resultant force.
So the more you enjoy present, the more will the fantasies pall.
This is a fantastic analogy, it makes a ton of sense.
I used to frequently do this little mind-escape mini-fantasy where I would have a blip of thinking about playing soccer or hockey, like dribbling the ball for 1 second. And with your example that situation makes perfect sense, I’m momentarily exiting my ‘bad’ affect-charge to escape to whatever happens to look ‘good.’
And then larger charges drive our actions all the time. The ‘normal background’ is that building negative charge, and there are bursts of energy into the positive. The negative creates the escaping toward positive.
‘Selfing’ can only happen when there’s a sufficient buildup of fear-charge, without any buildup there are no electrical impulses into the positive, and the whole thing just stops when more charge isn’t being generated.
I can ‘see’ Kiman’s ‘charge. It’s there all the time but I’m seeing it in front of my vision as little electric sprites placing me in negative dream-rumination or fantasy
I’m having flashes of bright actuality popping through. It helps to relax my body and my vision. I’m in bed in the dark totally relaxed I think that is part of why too
Obviously enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive - NOT dwelling in negative or positive dreaming - is essential
This is magnificent.
This is partly because kiman’s observation broke me out of an “I know the territory” belief, which made me OBSERVE my experience anew, and now interesting things are happening.
Hey @henryyyyyyyyyy looks like you are on quite a ride at the moment! I can really relate to the situation you are in because I also purposely put myself in a very similar set up a while ago. It was all driven by that same desire, to be liked by pretty girls, and the high that this provided, I was really hooked on that feeling and chasing it put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I was in an open relationship that was really an eye opening experience if we can put it that way
It is a funny one because on one hand I always thought that at least by swinging to the extremes I can learn more about myself but ultimately I realised that remaining in situations that do not serve me out a belief that it is ‘good’ for me in some way, was silly. This is not my attempt to advise you to do the same though, just my own findings in a similar situation.
How I see this personally is that yes I have to have my dramas but at the same time I need to be wary of continuing to spin them under the guise of ‘exploration’. What I found personally is that I was invested in the drama continuing, and I just dressed it up as my explorations, deep down I was afraid to change, afraid to arrange my life in a way that was sensible. I actually remember being terrified of living my life in a way that is sensible. So the question I would ask is what is Henrys investment in this drama continuing?
Yes, I can see that my current situation has that in common. It’s a bit of play-acting I think in the sense that I was originally motivated by seeing the flexible way that Richard’s romantic endeavors went, but as events have stacked up the deficits have become apparent. This play-acting served me well so far in the sense that I’m learning some interesting things and obviously ‘I’ want to know them, but at the same time I can see the resistance to ‘doing what is best.’
The biggest things that this particular has revealed have been the extent of my insecurity (this is probably the biggest one and the driver of the others), my jealousy, and the terrible darkness and violence that exist within me as a being. These awarenesses drive me forward.
Wow. This. The resistance i have to being sensible. It’s like i will fade into nothing if i do the dishes! Pay me tax on time. Spend time learning new skills.
That’s what i was talking about a few weeks ago; being sensible , or getting out of the way of native intelligence, IS also aligning myself with actuality.
The solstice! While I was observing my vibe-charge movement last night I had a rush of thinking I might become free, and thought it would be really cool if I became free on the solstice. A lot of people seem to become free this time of the year for some reason. Richard in early November, Peter and Vineeto at the end and beginning of the year, respectively. Srinath early November. Geoffrey became free in September. It’s interesting. A lot of these (all of them?) were in the Southern Hemisphere too, so really that’s midsummer for them. I’m plunged in darkness right now in Alaska. It’s a very introspective environment. Seasonal depression is common here.
But I am not free today, so I guess it won’t be on the solstice. I guess that’s not what happened! Just some imaginative hopefulness.
I’ll take it as encouragement (:
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I have some uncovering to do: where does ‘delight/perfection’ fit into Kiman’s model?
It seems there’s very little vibe energy happening, but it is in the love spectrum which is interesting considering that love is a double-removal.
Sorrow does seem to have a debilitating effect which is antithetical to freedom.
It’s altruism that gets me over the finish line. So that’s love.
Only ‘I’ can remove ‘I’ so ‘I’ need the altruism-love to finish things off. I need love as the motivator because otherwise I’ll just stay in ‘me’ and keep self-pitying and all the rest.
A few times last night I was experiencing, ‘everyone I have ever known is cheering me on to finish,’ which I have had a couple of times before. Awash in love.
I found that I could get close to ‘doing it’ by channeling my love for my partner. But I was side-tracked at the last minute by a practical consideration (?) and its ‘implications,’ just another way of saying fears… it is an objection for me rn. So I can look at that.
I just realized - it’s still the solstice all day! So maybe I’ll become free on the solstice after all, hehe
–
A wound between my partner and I is, housing.
We lived together a bit over a year ago, but it was really chaotic and difficult and I wanted ‘out,’ to have my own place. That hurt her a lot. So there’s still an injury there. And then I wonder, ‘why isn’t there as much closeness?’ But it’s because of that injury.
So last night I ‘escaped’ freedom by going into, ‘we should live together’ as a way to heal that injury and thus allow closeness again. Well, maybe. I don’t know. But it is obviously a different playing-field. I’m really not quite ready to commit to living together. I guess that’s my injury. Hmmmmmmmm
I’m scared of potential ‘chaos’ and ‘difficulty,’ because I’m afraid of that feeling-bad in myself.
It’s good that I cracked ‘chaos’ the other day, that makes this much easier to approach.
A friend pointed out to me (somewhat?) accurately that maybe spiritual work is not most easily done in a chaotic environment
I agree and disagree… that is clearly where my attention and interest lie, so for me the best thing to do is ‘dive in’ and explore.
I also see my approach right now as ‘as direct as possible.’
I’m attempting to become free the same way a Saturn V rocket reaches space.
A lot of bouncing around. A lot of G-forces.
What I have right now is, ‘intensity.’ So I’m using it.
Really I’m the chaotic one now, lol.
I’ve been making so much progress too though. It doesn’t feel destructive. I guess that’s the ‘Saturn V rocket’ part.
It’s interesting with the rocket metaphor because there’s so much power moving and energy, but also that’s an incredibly precision-engineered piece of machinery, with years of work behind it. What I’m saying right now is, “I’m ready.” “I’ve done my countdown, there is not time but the present to hit the ignition and just go.”
And I’ve never done it before, but I’ve done loads of planning for this to happen.
I guess one difference is that I’m capable of changing course with new information coming in. I have more steering capability. It’s not just, “outer space or bust.”
So far the information coming in has been confirmation.
But I do have this ‘housing niggle.’
What it comes down to is, there are a bunch of practical considerations with moving which mean that a certain degree (?) of commitment is useful.
Wow ok that’s a belief
That was fast lmao
What does it mean, those words, “do you want to live together”
It’s setting up a plan, which is subject to change.
It means saving money for her, as well as maybe she could pay some small rent which would be helpful for me.
It means being around eachother a lot. Which can go well or not well. That’s the part that’s the most spicy in all of this. Making that judgment call.
I can see that I’m swinging so wildly between, “this person is great I want to be around her all the time (love)” and, “We should break up immediately, this is a waste of time.”
Again… chaotic. Emotion-fuelled. Maybe not the best space to be making promises from.
Where is intimacy, closeness in all of this? Really that’s what the housing question is about. Removing that wound.
I’m trying to remove her wound.
Damn this is provocative for me.
I’m in the right place.
Nurture. It’s nurture.
Us moving in together won’t heal her wound.
The best thing I can do is, ‘freedom.’
Then, these decisions won’t be being made from emotion in the first place. I’m re-wounding her all the time by swinging so wildly.
I remember realizing this a couple years ago: I was always trying to plan out my life for it to be good, and then I could see that I made the best / clearest plans when I was clear/free/happy+harmless. In other words, my time is always best spent becoming more free than trying to ‘arrange things.’
Obviously a certain amount of arranging things is necessary to move forward……. as a physical being…
Either way the best thing is to become free. And the best thing right this second is to get back to H+H to think more clearly as well.
I’ll need a lot of lightness to have the momentum to make it through this issue productively. Perfection is the aim.
–
I’m extremely happy with myself, yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with my partner. I’ve always ‘acquiesced’ in the past for ‘peace,’ but it was at my own expense. Then I’d run away. And now I’m not doing that. I have a voice, I have preferences. It’s quite simple. I just had to not be afraid, and I did it. It really felt like the first time in my life that I’d ever done it without backing down. It was clear.
I don’t know how my life is going to be now. It’s stepping into a new space of autonomy. I know I can take care of myself now.
Something funny happened which is that I’ve carried a bit of an ‘edgelord,’ ‘dark’ energy with me essentially ever since I started having adult PCEs. It was a way of protecting myself from others. Giving myself the space to operate. And with communicating the way I did with her last night, I could see it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t have to wear fear/darkness on my chest to ‘ward others away.’
I don’t have to keep others away anymore. God that feels good.
I’m safe to be what I am, now.
It’s also related to not being afraid of being alone anymore. Saying, “I don’t like ‘X’”, actually saying it, means she could decide she doesn’t want to change ‘X,’ and go away.
So I’m saying, really to myself, that ‘X’ is important enough to me that I’ll risk that. It’s allowing myself that option / freedom of movement.
–
Accidentally overshot lightness into fear again! Ok, where is lightness: it’s now
I’m still scared of other people: why
I think they can hurt me
With their vibes
I don’t have to feel their vibes at the same time as them.
My vibe can be: ‘perfect.’
Them being upset or annoyed with me is perfect. It’s natural. It’s the way things are.
Had a breakthrough around sex last night: I was making an assumption, that sex is good, that everyone likes it. No. It’s momentary experiencing. It can be anything. It’s bigger than ‘good.’ Far bigger. Everything is far bigger than ‘good.’ It’s a sensate experience that happens now.
And so is everything else. Everything that is, is now.
This typing is not of lesser importance than ‘sex.’
Not of lesser importance than ‘girls.’
Nothing is of ‘lesser importance.’
That means I have nowhere to go or be. That means there is no offense anywhere, and no FOMO.
No, ‘left out.’
It’s the ‘negative charge’ which tells me, “I need to get elsewhere.” And the ‘elsewhere’ that I go to, is the positively-generated fantasy.
I stop the system for her, for them. For everyone I’ve ever met. I don’t have to keep leaving them, rejecting them to go into my fantasy.
The best life is here and now.
Freedom happens because I see that it’s the best thing to do for everyone, beyond all other options.
–
Ok, lightness and intent are in my experience now. I can go back to the housing thing.
Living-together.
Proximity.
I’m afraid just thinking about it.
I’m afraid because still, now, when I’m around her I frequently feel fear. Ok, that’s great. That’s simple. Now I can look for that. I know how to drop fear now. I’ll just do that every time.
There are no stakes. If she’s here, great, I’m happy. If she’s not, great, I’m happy.
I don’t want her to have to sacrifice her happiness and freedom for me. If that’s what’s going on. I want her to go.
Happiness is bigger than anything ‘I’ need.
The actuality is bigger.
The direct experience
Housing: yes or housing: no is pretty immaterial.
I don’t know in this moment if we will or if we won’t.
I certainly don’t know if that experiment would heal her.
I don’t know if I’ll want to change course in the future.
How could I know that?
It is clear that my light ambience increases overall lightness. It is the best thing to do.
I want for her happiness. Housing is the least of the issues with that in mind.
Still there is fear for me at that proximity.
I can make ‘fear’ a non-starter.
That means, ‘unconditional.’
That means, ‘there is nothing that will make me feel afraid.’
That means, no objections. No matter what.
There is nothing that can happen that will make me feel fear.
What can happen?
Yesterday was very emotionally intense. I had a ton of fear. So I can get into those things.
Any fear, is happening now.
‘Me’ is happening now.
I had the most viscerally obvious awareness that it is ME that will be removed last night. I thought I might become free in the next moment, because that’s how it happened for Geoffrey:
And not some dissociated ‘I’ with enough quotes not to be me, but me right now thinking this.
This was what happened next, for him:
There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.
I was walking on a dirt path, in the shadows of the trees, a few hundred meters from home, with a big smile on my face, when everything stopped.
I saw the vortex that is ‘me’ drastically slow down, as it could not move in the overarching stillness, and evaporate, as it had no substance but movement.
Then there was nothing left. And nothing missing.
For me, I got excited about maybe becoming free. Hm hmm
As long as there’s me, it’s so dirty. Selfish. Everything has to come back to me. “I want my way.” I want my way. Simple as that.
So much pain.
And just like he says. There’s the actual world. Just waiting patiently. Forever. Hopefully it doesn’t take me forever. I don’t have forever.
In a way I do. It’s not a big deal if I die. I’ve had a good life. I’ve done really well.
What is double-removal? I looked it up but didn’t get any relevant results
After crashing into brick walls several times, I settled on ‘It is best not to delve into altruism’. Because I’d then unconsciously introduce that into my day-to-day living:
If I don’t help somebody because I have an important work to do, “me” won’t take kindly to it because it desires freedom and altruism seems to be a necessity for it. A part of the subliminal mind goes, “If I am not even able to let go of this silly self-centered ‘important’ work for the sake of somebody else, how can I even dare to think of altruism(self-immolation for the sake of everybody else) and actual freedom.” This would create a continual war within me, which takes me away from feeling good.
Altruism I think can only happen by itself. “I” can only be observant of whatever that interferes with excellence or feeling good. Emotions interfere by creating ‘me’. Most thoughts interfere because they stoke emotions. Any action on our part besides observing how they are playing out may not yield much benefit.
I coined it myself but on the AFT site it’s referred to via how love is ‘palliative’ (aka in response to negative emotions aka covering negative emotions aka 2-layers).
So the negative is still there, the love comes on top to protect ‘me’ (basically on the animal level this is to keep me from laying down and dying of depression).
What I was able to observe directly was that the negative was always there, sometimes growing sometimes weakening. And then the loving feelings would come in and warp my vision to an even greater degree. That’s the double-layer; the negative is still lurking under the positive. For me specifically, the loving-fantasy is usually very visual, to the point where it is as if a movie screen has dropped in front of my vision, I can literally no longer see the actual. My awareness is not on the actual information coming in my senses, or actual thoughts/memories. It is on the loving fantasy.
–
Richard defines altruism as a one-time event, the full self-sacrificing moment of ‘complete altruism.’
In the normal world this is illustrated by someone heroically sacrificing their own lives to save someone else, in a drowning incident just for example.
In actualism terms, it is ‘me’ heroically sacrificing/self-immolating for the good of all humanity. That can only happen once.
It is something that ‘I’ do, though the action does in the end consist of ‘me’ “allowing it to happen” (as in, allowing the universe to bestow freedom upon me). The altruistic moment is the stepping out of the way and allowing.
The smaller altruisms could perhaps be related to caring.
Caring is interesting because for most people, caring is usually like “they want ‘x,’ so I will give them ‘x.’” It’s very simple.
With some context, it’s clear that such caring creates codependencies. That’s an interesting scenario, because once that is visible it means that ‘always giving them ‘x’’ is NOT caring. Because we know that it results in more suffering for them and for everyone.
In the end, the caring that moves the needle the most is for me to become happy/harmless/free. In whatever specific situation, but also in the big way as in self-immolating once and for all.
That context means, it’s no longer about ‘giving them x all the time,’ which I don’t want to do anyway. Which takes care of:
The most important work is: becoming free. Of course it would be silly to stop, ‘becoming free’ because someone else wants their petty thing. That is in the larger context hurting them.
That’s the type of altruism/caring that I’m working to connect myself more directly to.
Following my direct observations of moving vibrational charges via Kiman’s analogy/observation, my sensitivity and awareness of emotional tone has been increased for the last few days. It’s more clear than ever what perfection consists of for ‘me,’ as well as how the emotional states inter-play with one another.
My current situation, to simplify somewhat, is that I am seeing a girl who I have been seeing for 3 years now, and the entirety of our relationship has been ‘open’ as in, if she wants / I want to see someone else, we are free to. For the most part it has still looked monogamous for 95% of the time, though there have been occasional other people involved for periods. There has also been just as much felt jealousy, possession, and codependency as in any conventional monogamous relationship, but with the awareness that we want eachother to be free and happy.
She started dating a good friend of mine (side note - what exactly is friendship?) a couple months ago, and with the beginning of that relationship our dynamic with eachother turned upside down: where she had most-often been the insecure ‘chaser’ and I the prideful ‘leader/’the one who would run away,’ we flipped in the emotional paradigm. This was very educational in terms of emotional dynamics, and it almost ended the relationship more than once.
I also had the benefit of having been in her place before, and fully-knowing the amount of discomfort I was causing her with my insecurity, and now knowing first-hand the insecurity-suffering that she had previously been experiencing. Since the beginning of the arising of jealousy I was determined to remove it.
–
She has been visiting for the christmas holiday, and with her return to town my emotional tone became increasingly panicked/insecure. This was identical to the last time she visited. Luckily, in the intervening time I had been making tremendous progress in being happy & harmless, as well as in my increasingly clear view of the dynamics that were operating between us. My motivation to understand and remove the ‘me’ that was in the way has been greater than ever before.
Shortly before she returned to town, I met a man who I spoke with at length late into the night about all things humanity, as well as another girl who I similarly connected with. With both individuals there was tremendous naivete and enjoyment, verification of the work that I have done.
Seeing this girl was further illustration to me of freedom: I was delighted to be able to delight with another human and to still be able to see my partner.
Shortly after my partner returned home, in addition to dividing her time with my friend that she was dating, she became mutually romantically attracted to the man who I spoke with at length.
This was incredibly threatening to me. I have found myself vacillating between extreme clarity and delight, all of us delighting and having a wonderful time together, and greater jealous-insecure fear than I have ever felt in my life.
–
This came to something of an inflection point yesterday: the man I met, my partner, and I, all went snowboarding at a local ski resort, on the man’s dime (I don’t have money for such pursuits).
I could see pretty immediately that I was having a lot of trouble getting out of my own way and having a good time.
I left to take care of a practical consideration: fresh wax for my snowboard.
When I came back, I looked and found them: I looked up and saw them on the chairlift, her with her arm around him. I could see that they were having a sweet, close time together.
My insecurity flared. I was in deep emotional distress, and I could see that it was as a direct outcome of the sweet, close time that they were experiencing together.
The entire arrangement that her and I have set up, has been to allow for freedom-of-movement for her and for me, which was also what allowed for me to be able to meet with the other girl I mentioned above. I knew the sweetness that that moment consisted of. I also knew that my insecurity caused her distress.
The only thing in the way was ‘me.’ I couldn’t get out of the road with this issue. I knew that I was the only problem with the situation.
For the rest of the day I kept my attention on the insecurity I was experiencing. I was able to speak my mind with her and tell her what I was experiencing, while the man was on another part of the mountain for a few hours.
She and I went back to the lodge for a meal together, and while I was waiting for a bite to eat, shortly after peeing (incidentally, I frequently experience PCEs while/after peeing, to the point where we have a joke together: pee-PCEs), it suddenly hit me:
All my delight with her was completely conditional.
I was happy with her so long as she is giving me attention / delighting with me / sleeping with me.
As soon as any of those shift, I am no longer happy or harmless. I become miserable, moody, insecure, depressed, lash out, complain.
And the ‘happy’ is really possessive too: ‘I’ am happy, because ‘I’ am getting the love and attention that ‘I’ want.
I realized that I had to make it unconditional:
It doesn’t matter what she does.
It doesn’t matter how she interfaces with me or doesn’t interface with me at any one moment.
It doesn’t matter who else she connects with. It doesn’t matter what she does with her day. It doesn’t matter how she talks with me. It doesn’t matter how she listens to me. It doesn’t matter how chaotic or ‘straight-laced’ she is. Nothing about what she does, should shift:
What I can be, is happy to see her. Every time. No matter what.
–
For me, it has the character of some friends of the family (basically friends of my parents) that I have in my life.
They don’t have any expectation of me ‘showing up’ in a certain way.
They aren’t offended or bothered by anything that I happen to be getting up to in my life at any one time.
There’s enough distance that anything I report to them, isn’t threatening to them. It’s interesting. Everything is interesting/an adventure.
That’s what I can be, for her. And it doesn’t mean we can’t do anything particular, too. If what we mutually want to do is passionately make love for hours, great. If what we mutually want to do is talk, or each do our own thing, great. If she doesn’t want to see me that day/week/year, that’s ok. She is her own person. I know I’ll be happy regardless, and happy to see her regardless. If she shows up and wants to tease me, or yell at me, or attempt to manipulate me, it does not matter. I am happy to see her (though I may show her the door, lol).
–
This was epoch-shaking for me, and I actually was kicked into an extended EE in which I went upstairs and told her about the realization and thought for a bit that I may have entered virtual freedom as a permanent state, though the emotional tones came back after 45 minutes or so.
In any case, my approach is now obvious and it’s essentially the opposite of everything I was doing before.
Where before everything was about the love and attention that I needed from her, and an uncomfortable attempt at ‘giving her freedom,’ now the answer is always there: I am happy for her / happy to see her. She is no longer ‘within my sphere of influence.’ I can now clearly see that she is an individual human being, and that I never possessed her to begin with. It has a completely different character than anything I’ve ever experienced before.
It’s clearly connected to my own autonomy of what I experience when I’m alone, too: I have always been trying to ‘set up’ love-situations / sex-situations, from a distance: scheming for it to happen always.
Now, for the first time, the only place I have to get to is: actually free.
And I get to give her actual caring, rather than caring as a part of my scheme to get love/attention/sex.
It’s as if I have laid down a great burden. I have never felt like this in my adult life (indeed since sexual awakening around age 12 - that is 20 years of my life!)
Sorrow & anxiety are my constant background, which generates the necessary charge for desire to occur / be desirable
The desire-fantasies only look attractive because I’m unhappy now… in the actuality there is no felt differentiation between anything I could be doing now, and whatever imaginative fantastical scenario ‘I’ can dream up (for this ‘me,’ it most often has to do with some sex-scenario)
The actual is the only thing that can be happening
This moment is the only thing that is happening
I only think that ‘this’ is better than ‘that’ because I am an emotionally-generated being.
I’ve already seen this move with my realization at the ski resort.
Not to mention the thousands of past realizations which have changed me.
It’s just a matter of getting down the essential realizations between me and freedom.
I can see that I still experience some suffering/fear when anticipating my partner sleeping with someone else.
For some reason it’s less with the guy she’s already seeing.
He is a friend (again… what is a friend? Someone who I assume is ‘good,’ who ‘cares about me.’ That is a belief in the end…).
Which means the situation in general is belief-based
It’s definitely even more threatening if I imagine her sleeping with someone I don’t know, and especially if I think that they are so awesome.
Me vs. them status.
I’ve seen me flexing status most obviously in the past when I’ve had a belief that the girl on my arm is super attractive. I want others to see me with them in that situation.
I feel safer with the guy she’s already slept with because there’s a ‘stable situation’ where she sees him some of the time and me some of the time, but that’s a belief too: there is no stable situation in actuality. Things are changing all the time. There isn’t security in that.
She could begin to find him much more attractive than me and decide I’m not worth the trouble. Kaput.
Ok, I’ll humor myself.
Let’s say that in this situation she’s more likely to want to run off with the new guy, leaving me in the dust
The real issue here is that I think he’s cool, so when I project onto her I believe that she believes he’s cool.
This is threatening because obviously if he’s cool I must be not as cool, meaning my position is in danger.
In many ways I believe it’s already a lost cause.
It may well be. Love makes people do all kinds of things…
By seeing my own insecurity-fantasy, I can see ‘me.’
They hit it off
She visits him at a later date
They have a magical time traveling around somewhere
They proceed to ditch me and have an amazing life together
I am lame, left-out, and love-less.
Which is already what I’m feeling, right now lol.
Ok, time to reset to feeling-good.
I’ve noticed that the smallest, stupidest things can reset ‘me.’ Like, just looking at something that I like for 2 seconds. It’s convenient for actualism.
Ok, back in a good space
Let’s look at that again.
They’re off having an amazing time without me somewhere far away
It’s on an emotional scale because ‘I’ feel that amazement in that moment for a split-instant, and wish that I was feeling ‘amazement.’
That means that the operation of it is the same as my own moment of fantasy, it’s just that I have no problem projecting it on another person whereas I can’t project such things onto myself anymore because I’ve gotten too discouraged with life to believe it.
Wow ok that’s much bigger than expected
No wonder I was feeling so bad about this lol
I believe that I am a lost cause…
I’m just trying to use actualism to hang onto some shred of happiness… by that I mean girls…
Wowwwww
I’d even given up on “having an amazing time with girls.”
Like, I’m taking it for granted that it won’t be that great of a time
This is blowing my mind
This also means that I don’t genuinely think I can be free. Because ‘amazing time’ is one of the steps on the way to ‘free.’ I’ve been just holding some mediocre freedom substitute in mind.
Well. It’s good that that mediocre substitute was something I could lean on enough to get me this far to figure this out!
This is so much bigger than I thought. The actual potential.
I can have an amazing time. Of course I can have an amazing time! Every day can be a ball. There is no reason why not.
That means: start right now. Right now can be an amazing time.
Still a bit of resistance with that one. What’s the resistance?
Some part of me thinks something is wrong with what is happening
I don’t like where I am and what is happening
Where do I think I should be?
The projected fantasy involved traveling somewhere tropical.
I’ve had PCEs in tropical places. So it’s my own memory, re-projected onto them, and then it’s “I wish I could have that, I can’t have that.”
I’ve seen in myself sometimes a sense of ‘trapped’ in where I am.
It has to do with my parents, I’m worried about what they’d think if I went somewhere else.
All of this is so inter-connected.
Once again there have been psychic bonds placed.
What do the psychic bonds consist of?
“you are hurting us.”
That is what they tell me. Directly. With suffering etched on their faces. They believe it, and then I believe it.
I’ve danced out of this one with nifty ‘actualism intellectuality’ in the past, with ineffective results.
It has to be experiential.
Those psychic bonds are currently my ceiling on experience.
I can use the anger as motivation. That is what is needed here. This is my life. So much wasted life. A ceiling on life.
They were trying to manipulate me into leaving my partner earlier. She / the situation is “too chaotic” for them.
They were feeling bad / scared and they placed that bad feeling on me, as “the one who is causing the bad feeling.” That is their reality. I could see through it when it was her but not with me.
They don’t like the way I live my life and they try to manipulate me to do it differently.
It’s an interesting situation because my house is built right in their driveway so they see my comings and goings
And I go to them when I’m freaked out by money things. That has to stop. That’s part of what gives them that power.
When my partner is in town my psychic energy is directed toward her, but when she is out of town a large amount / most of it is directed toward family.
I owe them money too, that is part of where their power comes from.
I don’t have a counter to that in this instant. Time to get back to feeling good
I’m this little animal scrabbling for safety
I’ll suck up to anyone to feel safe in whatever moment.
In this case it’s with my Dad. He has power over me.
Beyond any money involved, the psychic power-control is there.
If he doesn’t like something, I ‘jump.’
I don’t allow myself to think, to fully operate.
To be happy.
He can’t actually hold me down and make me do anything.
That’s the final control. Anything less than that doesn’t exist. If I really choose to do something, I can. No one can prevent me.
I psychically believe he can stop me still.
He can shout at me. He can wave his arms. He can stamp his feet. He can threaten all kinds of terrible things. But it’s up to me what I do.
I’ve been through that before with someone else. I know I don’t have to be manipulated that way anymore.
It was a little easier because I was able to just ‘break things off’ with them, it was with a partner. There’s a socially-approved way to do that which isn’t frowned on too much.
With parents it’s a little trickier. But, people understand cutting them out when they’re really unreasonable.
Which means, my issue here is that I think my parents are ‘good,’ ‘reasonable.’
Which. Is just not true. As can be demonstrated by their emotional responses even tonight. It’s obvious that they’re in their emotions, that they’re not thinking clearly. They’re acting from pure fear. They think that by manipulating me they’re averting disaster.
So I can continue to skillfully divert their fears, which I was able to do with little trouble tonight - and with more practice I will only get more proficient. And, should they choose to escalate things beyond reason, yes I can in fact leave them. I don’t have to stay. I can, indeed, “break up with my parents.”
And I can energetically break off my dependence on them, tonight.
This seems to be another domino falling from the realization at the ski resort: I can’t keep my partner “within my influence.”
By the same stroke I have been living within my parent’s influence.
I take their feedback so seriously. I take their psychic waves as important, at face value. I feel that I have no choice. I feel squeezed. But the door is always there for me. In fact there never were any walls or door to begin with. Just this open world.
My belief has been that my parents were between me and, ‘awesome.’
When I was a little kid, I had to ask their permission to go spend the night at a friend’s house. That was my definition of ‘awesome.’ So, I had to have their approval. There was more than one tearful night of bum-out when my parents shut me down from doing those things that I wanted to do. They ruled my life. And I just never realized that I never turned that off!
I don’t want to hurt them just to hurt them, but I also can’t live my life half-way just because they’re scared for me.
I don’t know how this will be resolved. I can see that I’m on a precipice.
I get ‘shut down’ by my parents, and my ambience is like a whipped dog. And then my partner sees me that way and she is not attracted to me. And insecurity is sown. She would be attracted to someone that does not have that psychic bond. As well she should, lol.
How do I break out of this?
My identity is, ‘child.’
All the rebellious music & posturing lives inside of the identity ‘child,’ it isn’t freedom from it.
My intention in 2010 was: the best life possible. For me and for everyone I know. We all die one day.
I can’t sacrifice that because my parents are sad about how I’m living.
That’s what I did in 2010. I remember. I was starting to really live, and they ‘reeled me in.’ It was the exact same narrative.
Now I have a blueprint. I know what I have to do. I know how to do it. I know I’m not a threat to society, to myself, or to them. I’m just living.
I know that I can’t avoid hurting their feelings. It’s not worth it to live halfway in a vain attempt to avoid hurting them. One more human life wasted.
Awesome. Perfection. I connect well with the word, ‘awesome.’ I know that word well. I can feel it inside myself. I can be awesome. I can live awesome. Why not? Because it’s too scary for someone? OF COURSE it’s too scary for someone lmao. Most of what I’m doing is too scary for someone. In this case, too scary for my parents.
They are just two someones. I’m not scared. I’m just alive, right now. Life is just happening. I don’t see a problem with doing this or that. The security comes from ‘now.’
One more step toward ‘insane.’
What is ‘awesome,’ for me? What am I blocking?
Going out at random hours is a big one. I’ve done it some, but I do always feel guilt. I know they worry.
I still do it, though. So all that’s happening is guilt. And maybe I do it less than I would otherwise. And then I feel lame… because I’m blocking awesome… and feeling like a whipped dog. Lame.
I am the only one that can ‘awesome.’
I can only do my own awesome. No one will hand it to me. My parents will never, ever give it to me. They want me safe, not awesome.
They don’t want me to live the best life possible. They want me to live the safest life possible.
Safe…
Never taking risks.
Damn, this is big
Chaos.
Intelligence.
My own intelligence.
I figure for myself out how to live. They don’t tell me.
By living-actually, the facts are paramount, there is no doubt, which means that their doubt holds no water. It has no weight. There is no reason at all to be scared, of anything. No fear they can generate counters that basic fact.
If I am doing something I am not sure about, and they offer a viewpoint, that is different. Perhaps I can learn from what they say. But if they offer me a fear, and I am not afraid, and I can see the facts of the situation, there is no amount of their fear that can dissuade me. Because the fact is there.
That doesn’t mean I completely disregard their fear. I care about them. I don’t want to trigger their fear needlessly. But it is no longer a prime directive of mine.
I’m going to need more motivation to finish the job on this one.
–
I’m in an interesting spot: my usual prime directive is no longer there the way it was (girls/sex). I find lurking beneath it, ‘awesome.’ And then it turns out ‘awesome’ was being blocked by my progenitors (picked that word up from Richard! Thanks, Richard).
So here’s lil ol me, destined to be forever ‘not-awesome.’
A life of non-awesomeness.
Sounds kinda… lame. Those are the poles:
Awesome ---------------- Lame
^Henry
(this is the precise amount of awesome that my parents allow me to have)
So you’re telling me, that there’s a whole world of awesomeness out there, and I’m going to not awesome it up to the utter maximum, because of my parents?
Sounds like something a lame person would do.
You don’t want to be lame, right?
Want to be awesome, right???
Wouldn’t it be awesome if I was free of my parents?
If I was autonomous on my own two feet for the first time in my life???
I have a good friend who was born in a cult and had to figure out for himself how to get out of it. I find that very impressive. I see that my current situation is quite similar to what he must have experienced.
Everything that I have lived my life under for my whole life.
I ventured out a few times to ‘explore the world’ and then ‘had my face kicked in’ by the world a few times and then would return home with my tail between my legs. So I ended up feeling pretty discouraged about my own autonomy.
That’s more or less where I find myself today. I’m really happy that I’ve done all this actualism stuff and built a house (80% of a house?). That’s pretty neat. But my overall ambience is still pretty nervous. I know they’re ‘over’ me still.
Walking around, just waiting to be beaten by them. The interesting thing is I’m never sure when it’s coming. I remember having a really fun time of life and then they’d come in and attack me. They thought I was doing the wrong thing.
The wrong thing, that’s a funny one.
I suppose I should just do the exact same things as them
As if that was possible lmao
It’s literally impossible. This is amazing
–
Still not done. It has to be experienced. Freedom.
What is, awesome?
There can’t be anything more impressive than becoming free.
Building a rocket to mars is basic compared to becoming free.
Someone actually enjoying their life is unheard of in humanity.
That’s what I’m doing. Becoming free.
I’m sitting at a computer in the dark in the middle of winter in Alaska, unpacking and watching my own psyche to remove all obstacles to freedom.
Am… I … awesome???
My parents certainly aren’t going to stop me becoming free. They could lock me in the basement and I’d keep going.
It no longer matters if anyone else thinks I’m awesome. They don’t understand because they can’t understand. The actual is invisible to them.
It no longer matters if my parents are scared. They can’t understand either. They probably never will.
–
Ok… so going back to the initial fear that started all this
What if she hooks up with him because she thinks he’s awesome
Travel is neat. It’s interesting. It can be awesome. But it’s just not as awesome as becoming free. It’s nowhere close.
I’m on the edge of perfection now.
If she can’t see me, she can’t see me. That’s ok. That’s just where she is. She is attracted to what she is attracted to, because she is she.
I’m locked in now.
I’m gazing down at all humanity.
Living their fears
Chasing their desires
I want them to be happy. Most of them won’t be happy much. That’s what it is, to be a human. A struggle most days. A bit of happiness and harmlessness sprinkled in there. But just a sprinkle.
The passionate ones usually become deluded and/or dull.
Some people come across actualism, and discard it, not understanding the words their eyes are passing over.
And then there are a few people beavering away. Sometimes people ask me ‘how many actualists are there?’
Well, on the forum there are like 5 lol
There are definitely more out there that aren’t on the forum, but it’s still not many people. I would guess less than 100 that ‘get it’ or care enough to get anywhere with it.
I can’t imagine ‘getting it’ and not doing anything with it. People forget, though. I’ve almost forgotten a few times. But I haven’t. I’m here. It’s way too late to forget.
The last of the obstacles are dropping away. I’m not sure there are many more bigger than girls and family.
I know a lot of people whose greatest fear is the loss of friends and family. So to become free of those is big. Good work, Henry. The result of a lot of focused work. A lot of figuring-out. A ton of naivete and sincerity. That’s what I have done. It’s really wonderful. I’m really happy with and for myself.
What’s left to do? Are there any more objections?
Is there anything here that isn’t perfect?
My house is a bit messy. That’s ok, I can clean it. Right now, it’s messy. Maybe someone else wouldn’t like it but right now I don’t have to care.
I may have the long covid. That’s ok. It’s a fact of what’s happening. This is what I’m doing. Having the long covid doesn’t keep me from becoming free.
My partner may experience someone else as more attractive to her.
That’s still spicy for me.
Why does it bother me?
I’m still insecure about, ‘awesome.’
I’m not quite experientially all the way to ‘awesome.’
It’s still a bit too theoretical. I have to get there.
“my life is awesome and I do awesome stuff”
I’m still depending a bit on others for verification about ‘awesome.’ So it will never come. Or if it does it’s for something stupid
And I miss freedom because of that.
What happens if I’m not awesome to others?
They reject me.
So maybe it’s freedom = rejection. Worst-case scenario.
I’m already being rejected all the time. Is perfect happening now? No, but it’s because of ‘me.’
It’s not rejection preventing freedom, it’s me.
Because I’m bothered by the rejection.
I’ve been down this road a couple times but couldn’t finish the job before
I have the framework for not experiencing rejection: they are not in my sphere of influence. But I haven’t experientially completed it.
It’s interesting because the realization was so clear. There was the EE. But for whatever reason it didn’t fully wipe things out.
The good feelings don’t stick around. Like, I hang out with some people and say some stuff and they think it’s smart and maybe they think I’m hot and I feel good about it but then later I’m back to my baseline.
And then from my baseline I’m still down to fantasize about girls and by the same stroke be afraid of their rejection.
‘I’ keep coming back over and over and over.
It’s not possible to position any girl or girls in such a way that I don’t return to feeling bad. ‘Me’ is always still there. It actually doesn’t matter if I’m rejected or not rejected because I return all the same.
I’m always there.
I make others the objects of my fantasies and then get upset when they don’t play the role according to how I imagine it should go.
I have a whole fantasy-life I’m holding onto as if it will happen if only I hope hard enough
It’s never going to happen. Never, never, never ever.
What is happening is the actual world. And I’m still ignoring it. Even right now.
Why not jump in now?
The actual looks just enough like my fantasies that I keep the fantasies going. “Maybe I will still be able to get what I want.”
But they’re all generated from my or someone else’s memory/experience/imagination.
It will never happen that way again. It can’t.
Everything is a one-off.
Everything that happens is only now. The world is only happening now
That’s what the actual world is. This is it.
Pure sensorial.
Enjoying and appreciating this sensorial world, now.
The fantasy just doesn’t exist at all outside of my imagination.
And yet I’ve been invested up to this point living there / visiting it quite often. I guess the investment has been because I thought I could get it.
It just doesn’t work that way. The fantasy isn’t there
Living in my imagination, because I’m in sorrow, thus missing what’s actually happening.
That’s what I’ve been doing.
What is the sorrow there for?
To make me have sex and to make me be ‘pro-social.’
Wait, why is the sorrow there?
It seems to be unconsciously triggered by past memories of sorrow
The original sorrow was there instinctually but it has no useful role to play anymore in my life. It’s just happening out by habit now.
So the actualism (eatmoba) is there to remove all the sorrow. Because the unconscious is reset when I don’t feel the sorrow when the trigger occurs.
When there’s no sorrow there’s nothing there for me to do anymore.
Nowhere I have to go anymore.
I don’t have to ‘go over there’ to be happy or awesome or perfect anymore.
Everyone has their own little angle of what they want to happen and they’re pulling heartstrings in an attempt to force it to happen
I’m letting them pull my heartstrings, rather than do what’s sensible. Rather than living the best life.
Choosing that version of security, over and over. A life of bondage.
–
Something has definitely shifted, my freedom of movement is experientially more open now.
–
Time seems to have a social component for me, it’s what I use to make sure I’m ‘on schedule’ with everyone else. When I don’t care about being ‘on schedule,’ ‘on the same page’ with everyone else, time can drop away.
–
I’m used to being so tightly interfaced with others on the vibe-level that I have to be constantly sheep-dogging them to ensure that everyone is in the ‘right place.’ That’s what all the comforting is about. Similarly when I’m struggling then I run to them to be comforted by them. Really we’re all keeping eachother in humanity, where the suffering is.
All the little fantasies, adventures, heart-strings, suffering-tones.
I’m interested in the constant anxiety/sorrow-drone that ‘I’ am. That’s ‘my’ background.’
When I was in Ballina Richard said that the core of my unhappiness is being locked out of paradise (PCE). ‘I’ can’t live there, and I know it. That would explain why I don’t think I can be awesome, because I’ve tried over and over in different ways but it only lasts in short little times and then something ‘human’ boots me out.
And then the human alternative to ‘awesome,’ is lame, so then eventually ‘lame’ become entrenched.
It works out ok because at least I’m not so prideful to never admit that anything is wrong. I found a journal entry from 2015, when all this really began for me. There was a poem that referenced a PCE, and a couple pages later a checklist that included: “research therapy.”
I knew I had a problem. And that’s what got me here. I’m happy about that.
So ‘lame’ has been my bedrock to make progress. And now it’s all that’s left. ‘Lame.’
It doesn’t even matter what I accomplish anymore, I can transform it into ‘lame.’
I was lucky enough to go on a sailing adventure for the month of May, and I still feel lame. I had some incredible sex like 2 hours ago and I still get to feel lame. I’ve written a poetry book. I know a bunch of stuff. I don’t experience hardly any social anxiety anymore. I don’t know if there’s anyone I’m afraid of still. I’m working the chillest job in history and living in a house that I built of my own design and with my own hands. And still: lame. It’s kind of impressive
Oh and I happened across the method to uncover the meaning of life.
“Adjective used to describe someone who is boring, uncool, or just sucks in general.”
Boring! Uncool! Just sucks in general!
Yup, that’s me!
Ok, where’s perfection at
Well. The fantasy doesn’t exist. All that’s happening is this. So. Where is ‘lame?’
‘Lame’ is just ‘me.’
When am ‘I’ happening? Where is ‘me?’
‘Me’ is the passionately-generated being. ‘I’ am happening because emotion is happening; emotion is happening because ‘I’ am happening. I am the feeler. I’m at the abyss. The door is there.
Everything is super bright/shiny right now. It’s the actual shining through my vision.
Not much ‘lame’ happening right now. But it is there. No fantasy there.
I am perfect, it is perfect, he is perfect, she is perfect.
“Adjective used to describe someone who is boring, uncool, or just sucks in general.”
‘Boring’ is a good tell here because ‘boring’ is ‘me’ tuning-out.
‘I’ tune out when I don’t like what’s happening / am afraid of what’s happening. So sometimes someone will tune me (or whoever) out when they decide that I’m a waste of time aka not getting them ‘where they want to go’… in other words… I don’t match their fantasy.
Which like. Of course. It’s actually more trouble if I DO match their fantasy!
They’re not looking at me really, they’re looking at their little fantasy ‘cue card’ and then looking over at me squinting like, “does this line up” but they’re chasing a delusion. There isn’t any fantasy, it straight up doesn’t exist.
And they’re missing the actual human standing in front of them.
So boring isn’t really a status, it’s a reaction that people have. There are some people that a lot of people experience as ‘boring,’ and then everyone is like ‘ya that guy is a bore’ but really they’re all just having the same rejection-experience.
It’s the same thing with ‘crazy,’ ‘that guy is crazy.’
Ok. I can live with that. It sorts things out.
I don’t have to get their approval to not be lame. Their approval isn’t connected to anything actual.
But I still think I’m lame. Because I keep feeling sad-lame.
Actually I can respond to ‘uncool’ now, because by not being afraid of others anymore (thanks to yesterday’s exploration around my parents - my ultimate authority), I don’t have to keep being chickenshit. I can catch that and cut it off immediately. Boom, I’m cool now. Problem solved.
“Just sucks in general”
That’s my feeling about life
Tbh I’m seeing the shortcomings of my approach to actualism, basically riding around the countryside chopping the head off whatever my biggest objection is at that moment. This has worked very well for reducing the amount of ‘big suffering,’ but it hasn’t necessarily moved up my day-to-day baseline, which I can now clearly see does not weaken that background suffering which verifies that ‘life just sucks in general.’
So that’s what I have to do now, just be in the best mood I can because that’s what rewrites all the unconscious feeling-memories that are really driving ‘everything sucks.’ At this point it’s not really about any particular objection, it’s just an overall tone about life. And it’s very weak. It’s like weak tea. It’s weak because of the work I’ve done removing objections, so I’m happy about that still.
I suppose it was always going to go this direction because of the intellectual ‘entrance’ I made into actualism. That’s good though. Now I’m here. Time to finish off the ‘feeler.’
I got a rush of adrenaline typing that. It’s the final boss, and it doesn’t get to be on the stage I’m used to (“smart”). It’s like playing through a video game, getting super good at the combos weapons movement mechanics throughout the whole game, and then I get to the final boss and all the mechanics, all the inputs are different now, none of the weapons are familiar. But I’m ready in a different way. It’s obvious what’s left to do, which has only happened because of all the other work that’s been done.
It’s not like it’s totally unfamiliar. But it is not happening on the intellectual level anymore.
‘The brain has multiple memory systems (…) explicit (conscious) memories mediated by the hippocampus and other aspects of the temporal lobe memory system [and] implicit (unconscious) memories mediated by the amygdala and its neural connections. Only by taking these systems apart in the brain have neuroscientists been able to figure out that these are different kinds of memory, rather than one memory with multiple forms of expression (…) it has been possible, through studies of experimental animals, to map out in great detail just how the fear system of the brain works. Although much of the research has involved laboratory rats, there have also been studies of a variety of other mammals. Remarkably, the results in all these species lead to the same conclusion. Learning and responding to stimuli that warn of danger involves neural pathways that send information about the outside world to the amygdala, which determines the significance of the stimulus and triggers emotional responses, like freezing or fleeing, as well changes in the inner workings of the body’s organs and glands.(Henry note: this explains the connection of emotions to body-feelings/chakras) There is also evidence that the amygdala of reptiles and birds has similar functions. The implication of these findings is that early on (perhaps since dinosaurs ruled the earth, or even before) evolution hit upon a way of wiring the brain to produce responses that are likely to keep the organism alive in dangerous situations. The solution was so effective that it has not been messed with much, and works pretty much the same in rats and people, as well as many if not all other vertebrate animals. Evolution seems to have gone with an ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ rule when it comes to the fear system of the brain (…) research into the brain mechanisms of fear help us understand why emotional conditions are so hard to control. Neuro-anatomists have shown that the pathways that connect the emotional processing system of fear, the amygdala, with the thinking brain, the neocortex, are not symmetrical – the connections from the cortex to the amygdala are considerably weaker than those from the amygdala to the cortex. This may explain why, once an emotion is aroused, it is so hard for us to turn it off at will’.
It’s like finding the rosetta stone. Just like that everything makes sense. Of course, LeDoux and co. couldn’t have ever guessed that one could delete that system through a purposeful psychodynamic approach.
It makes perfect sense in the end that it took a naive ‘boy from the farm’ to bust out into freedom. If Richard was too wise, he would have known better than to think he could become free.
And of course Henry is far too lame to ever become free… that is for uh… how do I categorize the free people anyway…
Weirdly, I seem to categorize them as a bit lame too… they’re like these nerds. They’re obviously not impressive in the way a celebrity tends to be impressive.
That explains why I’ve been not quite headed toward true north. I’m distracted by charisma.
Ok, nothing for it but to dig into charisma.
Charismatic people get attention and sex. They get what they want in situations. That’s what I want… “what I want.”
Just another asshole. That’s what that is. One more Genghis Khan, subduing the world under his heel (and sleeping with its women).
It’s the caring that keeps me from Khaning.
It’s not worth it anymore for me to ‘take’ from others all the time. That’s the outcome of charisma: I am powerful, I get what I want, and they chase me. I want them to be happy too. Me being charismatic means they don’t get to. I’m cool, they’re not. I’m awesome, they’re lame.
They’ll probably keep feeling lame a lot anyway, but it doesn’t help matters for me to keep confirming it to them.
Everyone can be free. It’s for everyone. I can be free.
‘Charisma’ is preventing freedom for them, AND for me.
It reminds me, I have a friend whose ‘home frequency’ is, “hot” as in, “lusty.”
So for her, “hot” is preventing freedom for her and for others.
For me, it’s charisma. I want to flex power on everyone.
Sex is one obvious reason why. Actually I can knock that one out right now: I don’t have more or better sex when charisma is flying around. I scare the other. It doesn’t make for a delightful time in the sack. Over time it gets worse and worse. I am DONE with that.
It would be really funny if that realization made me free. Sounds right somehow.
The other aspect is defensive:
If I’m charismatic, I’m ‘winning’ every interaction, which means I’m not ‘losing’ every interaction, which means I’m not experiencing ‘Shook’, ‘chickenshit,’ ‘weak,’ ‘pathetic,’ ‘loser,’ ‘lame.’ I’m a winner (obviously). But I am hurting the other. If I’m winning the interaction, they are all the above. I even saw it on my Dad’s face the other night. I found his weak spot and went for the neck in an instant of anger. It was only a flash but it was enough.
That’s why I’ve been an edgelord, I want to kill them (energetically) before they kill me. That’s been more or less my energetic home base ever since I was having tons of PCEs (before actualism) in the end of 2016. I would take huge weed edibles and wander around in a PCE for a couple of days. This repeated for about a month.
Somewhere in there someone punctured my naivete, and I moved into ‘edgelord’ as a defense.
It was almost definitely my father. I can feel the energetic memory.
And then I directed that same edgelord at any other man that I got into an extended discussion with. If I could scare them, then I was winning.
Kill them before they kill me.
If I’m unkillable (as in, they destroy my fantasy, sending me into the abyss of sorrow) because I don’t even have a fantasy I’m dependent on, then there’s no need for the edgelord anymore.
The main thing I care about at this stage is becoming free.
If this or that girl rejects me, I’m ok. I know this because it has happened and I’m ok right now. ‘Awesome’ is no longer inaccessible for me.
The only remaining fantasy is ‘charisma,’ but I’m sinking that one right now.
They can’t sink ‘freedom’ because it can’t be disproved. And I’m too obsessed to be shot down at this stage. Several people have tried recently and it only slowed me down for a few minutes at most.
People must be able to see some change in me, because more people have been trying to ‘intercept’ me.
It’s because I’ve been more bold with my words. “Ya I’m going to become free. It’s the only way things can go at this point”
And then they’re like “ah fuck”
“He’s going crazy” lmao
Little do they know I’m pretty unbothered by that
What a funny situation
So yeah that’s what happened back in January 2017, my Dad managed to shoot me down on the energetic paradigm and I’ve been carrying that ever since… though, luckily continuing actualism from behind the hastily-constructed palisade walls of ‘edgelord.’
Thank you, edgelord! You’ve done well, you can finally retire.
I’m literally wearing a black hoodie with a skull on it so this is all especially on the nose/obvious/hilarious
A glyph to protect me from others. A psychic wall of protection.
Ok, I’m dancing around the main topic rn. Back to it.
PCEs exist. I’ve SEENT it.
That’s where the naivete comes from: “hey so uhhh this is a thing”
It’s not about the words they throw at me, it’s about the felt moment of fear itself.
They communicate: “you are not safe”
And ‘I’ respond: “I am not safe”
It’s hypnotic really
And it further trains/reifies my ‘being:’
“Everything sucks”
Thus meaning:
“I suck”
Thus meaning:
“I am lame / my life is lame / life is lame”
And I used charisma as the way out. Past that now though.
So now it’s “naive/perfect/happy/harmless” again. Which is what I was experiencing in the end of 2016/the beginning of 2017, before the psychic wound/control was inflicted/internalized.
So the source is, “am I safe”
In the actual there is safety. Nothing can go wrong.
In ‘nothing can go wrong,’ there is no, ‘lame,’ which is my core frequency as a being.
Nothing can go wrong.
I was here a couple weeks ago and then my partner came into town and I went down in flames (somewhat) for a bit. It was very up & down. But very very instructive. I used it with a ton of efficiency to be honest. Not much affective energy wasted. Good work, Henry. Can thank naivete for that. And the intelligence which can clearly see that actualism is working.
–
I still feel threatened by, ‘rival.’
That would be my Dad as well as other men looking for female attention.
Still seeing-experiencing everything through winning & losing, where ‘winning’ is embrace, sex, gazing into one another’s eyes, and ‘losing’ is uhhh “literally any other outcome.”
I know that they’d kill me if they could. I know that that’s what the being really wants. Kill everyone between me and love. That’s inside of me.
I guess I find that scary! Haha
This just in: “Local Man Finds Being Murdered Scary”
Reminds me of on the sailing trip I got into an energetic bust-up with another man and I could see the violence just under the surface
People kill for not much when the mind is in the place for it
Love is a famous motivator for it. Kind of mind-blowing that people are blind to the relationship there.
Must be willful.
Ok, I definitely don’t want to be murdered.
It has to do with how seductive the fantasy is
If I’m so attracted to the sexual love-fantasy that I sleep-walk into a situation where someone murders me, it’s because I was equally blinded by love-sex as the murderer is.
I can read the situation well enough to recognize when that is coming.
Just like I can recognize when someone else is getting manipulative with me. I know I don’t have to be controlled by that.
I still want to ‘get mine.’
Which is to say, I’ll clearly still happily sleep-walk into such a situation if sex was at the end of the tunnel. AND, I’m clearly comfortable with bumping someone else off if I feel threatened enough. As demonstrated by the fact that my imagination goes right there. It’s in my fear-fantasy.
There are two different things happening here: an archetypal fantasy/fear-situation, and the sensible-actual approach to a situation where another being is scared of losing something and potentially could commit violence.
I took a class in college on violence that was centered on The Iliad.
We took the class in concert with the local prison, actually we met in the prison and half the class were prisoners.
Some of them were in for life, for murder.
So it was less academic than usual.
They reported the nature of violence being madness… they’re not even sure what happened. Basically this:
Neuro-anatomists have shown that the pathways that connect the emotional processing system of fear, the amygdala, with the thinking brain, the neocortex, are not symmetrical – the connections from the cortex to the amygdala are considerably weaker than those from the amygdala to the cortex. This may explain why, once an emotion is aroused, it is so hard for us to turn it off at will’
Suffering.
That’s confirmed in the way the Iliad talks about violence, too. There’s tons of retribution, it keeps escalating.
It starts as a fight over a pretty girl, too.
Same as it ever was.
–
If I’m not playing that game, I can’t lose. I can’t be a loser.
If I’m not adding to the equation, because I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose, then the odds of being murdered are very low, because I’m contributing nothing to the psychic inter-play.
I am no-one’s enemy.
There is nothing to desire.
–
I told my parents that it was a bit funny that they were worried about me because I’m just chilling, and my dad said, “that’s why we’re worried about you.”
A human is not supposed to be happy, harmless, naive. It’s considered unsafe, fool-hardy.
I suppose for most of history that has been accurate: no one had ever become free, so by and large being happy harmless and naive later led to greater heartbreak.
Well, that’s the gamble I’m making.
So far there have indeed waves, but that is all in the road-map. No surprise there, and nothing I can’t handle.
I’ve become essentially adept at spotting my feelings happening, intercepting when necessary, getting back to feeling good, analyzing, and successfully actually removing the trigger. That’s become consistent & even easy. I have the same satisfaction doing it as I get when I dribble a soccer ball: the satisfaction of knowing what I am doing. The satisfaction of an expected input resulting in an expected outcome.
There are surprises too, but they are delightful surprises.
And there are obstacles, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. That’s where my interest is, now.
All this is to say: I see that they are concerned, but it’s nothing that can dissuade-discourage me.
The psychic bonds are done. There may be a return of feeling, but the necessary damage has been done.
–
What remains?
Love is still there. Fear of loss is still there.
There’s a bigger thing happening here.
I have a great time with a girl and I fall in love.
I want to have that great time all the time.
Ok, why not have that great time all the time?
I think she’s a necessary ingredient.
I know intellectually that that isn’t true but it has to be deeper.
I’ve had a quite wonderful few months, during which time for the most part there hasn’t been much female attention.
I think I’ve still been imagining myself to be ‘in relationship’ though which means my belief is that I’m ‘under her umbrella’ somehow, so the belief maintains: “I’m with her.”
So I can attach that good time to her.
That, ‘under her umbrella’ is obviously a belief.
In actuality I’m just there.
Just as right now in actuality I’m just sitting here physically alone in this house.
I don’t even know for sure if she’s alive or dead.
That pretty much takes care of rejection for me, right now.
Something about ‘leaving me for rival’ still drives me nuts for some reason though.
“She is choosing him”
“He’s having sex with her and I am not”
“They are up into the night talking and talking and I am not”
“They are having powerful mind-blowing experiences together and I am not”
They all seem to lean on the “I am not” aspect.
Really “I am not” implies: “I am having a bad time”
Which is ‘my’ background whenever I am not in the fantasy (“A fantas-tic time”).
The negative charge.
I can beat this right now using imagination-memory & resetting my vibe to ‘perfect.’
I have some perfect cheetos and am becoming free of the human condition in the woods in the wintertime in Alaska. Perfect.
I want for her to be able to connect with others for the same reason that I want to be able to connect with others: because it is wonderful to be able to do that.
So they aren’t ‘rivals,’ they are ‘other living humans.’
The world is a surface that we can wander. I can wander, she can wander, everyone can wander.
Sex is just one such wandering.
I am in a dream
I have one foot in and one foot out
I want for her to be free. None of this exists in the actual world. None of it
Talking late into the night is one such wandering.
There is no such thing as a rival
There is no such thing as a lover
A ‘lavir’
A ‘revol’
It doesn’t matter. It’s not there.
She can be free. And I can be free. Right now.
It starts with this freedom: there are no roles.
There is no relating.
There is no identity.
We do actions.
We exist.
There are no offenses.
We do what is sensible.
My clarity is profound.
‘Profound’ is a belief.
Her freedom is my freedom
The freedom I ‘give her’ is the freedom I give myself
What I do, is not make her more afraid.
I do not give her false constraints.
I do not psychically bind her.
–
The only thing making me not-free is me.
I have no more excuses. No one else I can blame it on.
It wasn’t my Dad who scared me back into ‘safety’ in 2017. I did it to myself. I got scared of death.
I was using edibles to get PCEs and I became afraid of their side-effects.
Memory interruption/disruption.
I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it in the world if my memory was disrupted too much.
I’ve dabbled with drugs a bit since then but there’s always been a bit of fear involved. And the overall fear has made PCEs a bit less accessible as a memory or as something I can get to.
It may be that the different way time is experienced in PCE, ‘I’ take as a threat, as in ‘something is wrong with my memory,’ as in ‘I won’t be able to make it in the world.’
When I was very young I’d wander around my neighborhood, have a great time, lose track of time, and then my parents would get upset with me for being late back home.
It’s a very old conditioning.
Today it’s one of my big fears / anxieties too, being late to things or if someone else is ‘late’ I take it as this offense.
Obviously making it to things at an agreed-upon time is just useful, but there is definitely something to uncover here in terms of fear.
I don’t need to jettison all memory in order to become free.
Obviously the free people are doing just fine operating in the world.
The world without time.
There is no time, but our physical bodies do exist.
But I can detect what my physical body wants apperceptively/sensorially. I don’t need memory or time to do that.
I can notice the effects of drugs and alter my behavior accordingly via observation-apperception.
There doesn’t have to be fear there for that process to take place intelligently.
I remember I became afraid that I was damaging my kidneys
I went to a doctor and they said my kidneys were fine but that my iron levels were low. So I took iron supplements for a little while.
It does seem that marijuana is implicated with anemia. And with electrolytic disturbances, which explains some other things.
Our data suggested that chronic use of cannabinoids can lead to deterioration of hematopoietic cells. Chronic use of cannabinoids was consistent with subthreshold/subclinical megaloblastic anemia with iron deficiency. Inflammatory cells, especially neutrophil and monocyte counts were higher in SG compared to CG. Thus, recovery of subclinical hematological parameters should be considered in cannabis use disorder patients.
So it seems my concerns were not unfounded.
The difference is that now I’m not leaning on weed.
So the fear-memory is still there, still returning in relation to the PCEs, even with the weed absent from my life.
Simple prescription: get back to ‘perfect,’ as a start. Then re-approach.
There is nothing in a PCE that threatens my health.
This fear lives inside the larger fear: my eventual death.
I have been holding my thanatophobia at a distance for a couple years now, with a belief that I had overcome it. It’s clear to me that it was only a partial removal, with the belief protecting me from approaching it again for a time.
Death is a fact that will happen one day. No amount of squirming changes that, so it’s for the best to become free of the fear.
