Journal de Henry

Journals
842

@son_of_bob What I was trying to get at is that it is all a continuation of the same, as opposed to some 2 separate worlds of pleasure. I think this is useful because this way of looking offers a different solution vs the way of control.

As an identity ‘I’ desire things which are not actual and experience a pleasure that is some kind of perversion of what pure pleasure is. It’s a pleasure that is multiple steps removed from what actual pleasure is. Nevertheless it is ‘my’ perverted attempt at pleasure.

‘I’ end up fantasising and going round in circles because ‘I’ have no access to a pleasure that is free of the perversions, one that is concrete.

But the affinity towards experiencing that which is pleasurable does not need to be controlled for. You say you have no guilt, shame etc but in creating the dichotomy of fantasy vs sensate pleasure are you not subtly playing that same game of morality?

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So for example if I find myself more interested in fantasising vs actually getting it on with my partner that is likely because of some obstacle that is making me escape to fantasy as opposed to doing the genuine thing.
But the wanting to experience sexual pleasure is all the same, it is just that for whatever reason I am going for a second rate experience.

Can you see see in those fantasies there is a seed of something that you want to experience actually?

I remember I had this thing of always fantasising even whilst I was actually having sex! But then I noticed that all my fantasies had the seed of that which I wouldn’t dare to experience actually. So essentially there were these obstructions which I wasn’t ready to remove and so I was instead making a jump to the safety of fantasy.

When I dared to peel back those obstructions I was able to experience this more direct and pure sexual enjoyment and then I could actually see that all those fantasies were aiming at this very experience but they could never reach it.

But it was not the fantasising that was the problem at core, it was a symptom. The wanting for sexual enjoyment (back then mostly channelled into fantasy) was also not the problem, it was just that it was being blocked and perverted.

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And so this is what got me onto the whole hedonism thing. Because it seems the same with all the hedonistic things which are seen as ‘bad’, whether it’s food, porn, drugs etc.

It’s an attempt at experiencing pleasure, a failed attempt. Something that Richard mentioned comes to mind here, that all the pleasures which are normally channelled into the spiritual realm can be provided (and more) by living in the actual world, by a direct sensate experience.

It just seems the case that the obstructions must be removed and something genuine must be found where pleasure can freely flow.

It’s quite fascinating actually to contemplate this because it seems to me that even the wanting for different affective experiences is simply some ‘lower level version’ of experiencing the integrity of being a flesh and blood body. The affective is a twisted attempt at living that which the sensate provides, I’ve never seen this from this angle before, damn!

It’s like my entire world as an identity is this simulation that is poorly copying and distorting what sensate experience actually is. So the end product is always worse, but the gold standard is actuality.

So it is not so much 2 different worlds, rather 1 genuine world from which perverted versions are created and lived in :exploding_head:

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10 | 24 | 23

I’ve gotten a date I’m really excited about.

To be honest I’m surprised to find myself in this position, as when I first met her I thought she was out of my league.

Basically my whole last year has been about getting myself into this position. First in terms of admitting to myself what I wanted, admitting that I hadn’t been getting it, and then in figuring out how.

Sometime around February of last year I realized how much insecurity I had been carrying, and began setting myself toward removing as much of it as I could. As I began getting closer to asking out initially a different girl and then later this current date, I found myself facing new nervousness and insecurities to tackle. I’ve used enjoying & appreciating as my cure-all, bringing it as an intention to every situation.

As the date started to seem like a real possibility the intensity of those insecurities only increased, but by that stage I had also built considerable confidence to tackle them.

Most recently I’ve been seeing how nervous I’ve been to approach her. I knew that that was a mode which would set me up to fail, and have been completely determined to overcome. This week I’ve practically been cramming investigation in a race to get to the bottom of things.

Last night I finally made a significant breakthrough.

Things started to initially move when I asked myself what I could offer her. What does she want? I can ask her this directly, but I also know that she wants a good time. My nervousness doesn’t compliment a good time. That was enough to finally begin breaking me out of myself, a hint of a reason outside of myself. The nervousness isn’t only ruining things for myself, but for her too.

I asked myself what the source of this nervousness was, and I connected it to my previous breakup which left me feeling miserable, pathetic, and weak. I realized that that breakup had sapped my life-force, and something clicked.

How could I let a bad breakup suck my life-force? The very thing that propels me from the soul level? I realized, with the backdrop of death, the absurdity of allowing that to happen.

And I realized the connection to my current situation: I have been afraid that if this new girl rejects me, that my life-force would be similarly depleted. But something had already changed: it was no longer an available option. Nothing can have that power anymore.

I realized that this was analogous to Richard reclaiming his will-power from a God. Pretty girls have essentially been my god throughout my life.

And now I’m seeing it differently: rather than believing that they can solve all my problems, and that the ‘attainment’ of some girl was my goal, it is now something else: something nice to experience on my way to my ultimate goal of enjoyment, of sweetness, of perfection.

And it instantly makes me something attractive: someone with independence, with vitality, and lowering the stakes of the situation. I’m on my way, and she can come if she’d like.

We have a second date planned for Friday, we’ll see how it goes. But as of the last 24 hours I’ve finally found the ambience shift I’ve been looking for.

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Realization that I like being sad, perhaps because it insulates against existential terror…. which is also me….

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I like being sad too. I narrowed it down to it just being a feeling I feel comfortable with. It’s better than a lot of other negative emotions I could have in lieu; existential terror being the penultimate one. Overall, I would say it makes feel profound and safe rather than impotent and unsafe. The profound/impotent thing is pretty obvious. Safe/unsafe though is a bit surprising to me. I think it’s because the alternative emotions make feel like I have no agency. For some reason, sadness makes me feel I’m wrestling with something I can understand. I don’t understand anger, resentment or anxiety well at all. But sadness has a quality that allows you to examine it and reside within it without going crazy.

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Good stuff, thank you

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I came to this because I had been experiencing tons of resistance trying to find the right motivation to drop anxiety in the face of possible rejection. It turns out the anxiety was an attempt at controlling sadness, so then it became ‘what motivation do I need to stop feeding the sadness.’

The significant thing I’m realizing is that because the sadness (and all other emotions) is ‘protecting me’ from the existential terror, I only infrequently access that terror and only when pushed to the brink. That has meant very little familiarity with the workings of that feeling, as all the energy is focused toward avoidance.

And that conceals the fact, which is that existential terror is simply something ‘I’ do… just one of my bag of tricks. And because it’s something I am doing, it’s happening in this body, then I have the capacity to change it. Even if at the start that just means not feeding it (or avoiding it). But the full extent of it means that it’s ultimately my decision what I do with it/myself.

Sadness, anxiety, anger, boredom, various coping addictions, and love are the normal decisions… and they are a decision so long as they’re being entertained.

By not entertaining the core dread - or any other coping emotion - I’m done for. And that decision finally makes sense to me.

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She either vibes with you and feels safe with you or she doesn’t. If she’s testing the waters with you while you see her as something to win over then it’s gonna kill the vibe. And she’s not gonna feel safe. Either you two are interested in enough of the same activities that you can easily conversate for hours or your interests are too different for a day in and day out relationship. If it’s the latter then move on quickly and look for someone who shares your interest, obviously being nice and friendly about it. If it’s the former then focus on pursuing those interests together for the sake of the good vibes you are each feeling and a possible extended partnership that can be materially beneficial for both of you.

That has meant very little familiarity with the workings of that feeling, as all the energy is focused toward avoidance.

And that conceals the fact, which is that existential terror is simply something ‘I’ do…

Both Alan and Vineeto reported that going as far into ‘death’ as possible was a dead end. I’m assuming existential terror and death are the same feeling.

By not entertaining the core dread - or any other coping emotion - I’m done for. And that decision finally makes sense to me.

I wonder if it’s possible to pursue something else and pursue self-immolation at the same time. It wouldn’t seem possible. You have to chose one or the other and, because, doubt will derail the focus on self-immolation, I’d chose the other goals (whatever they may be). And while pursuing them to just know that the actual world is actually present though you can’t see it. But you can feel it or rememorate it any time.

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I can totally relate to this:

and

I liked:

Maybe I need a similar shift in approach myself. I’ve been trying to reconcile how every woman wants to be in love but I don’t. Like I’m being dishonest with them if I wasn’t in love. But I also like to enjoy my time with someone like-minded. Maybe it doesn’t matter and it’s just about enjoying life haha. :thinking:

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This but with the added caveat that I can determine my own vibe, which has basically been my experiment for this year: what happens in my dating life if I put myself in a happy & harmless vibe?

Yes, at this point bringing the dread into my awareness gives the immediate answer: this is a dead end. I’ve already checked it out. That moment is also the end of the dread, which is also the end of the sorrow, which is also the end of the desire, which is also the end of the anxiety…

Around a year ago it became clear to me that I was a bit ‘stuck’ energetically and was having a lot of trouble finding the right motivation to get moving toward freedom. I dug around in myself and found whatever most deeply motivated myself… it was pretty girls… shook off the shame, and dove in. I always knew that at some point that desire itself would have to go, but I now think that it might be just about the last thing to go. My motivation is that shared delight… it is what gets me going… that delight may be my only reason to exit the building. But I’m getting ahead of myself. As of now, the ship is steaming merrily ahead toward annihilation.

No reconciliation needed… they want delight, they want intimacy, they want security. It just so happens that they believe that love will give them all those things, and the instinctive being is quite happy to jump into that void.

To be the delight, the intimacy, the security, is providing both the existence and showing the potential of what can be

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The deeper into intimacy her & I get, the more insistent are my urges to get her attention :thinking:

Something for me to figure out here… or just drop

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falling in love?

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Yep

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Time for a roller coaster ride :rofl:

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Brother… I BEEN doing lol

For the most part I’ve been catching everything very quickly which has helped immensely. Loads of motivation & intent currently has been taking me far. Definitely seeing patterns in common w/ past relationships that were previously too subtle to put together… in uncomfortable territory & in that sense I’m on the bleeding edge.

It’s all about the sorrow to aggression pipeline rn

I was going to put a bummed out emoji re that but you know what? LFG, ready to put an end to things

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So ‘I’ just want to make people just like ‘me’

That’s what love is

Damn, that is evil

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12 | 17 | 23

Evenings and weekends I feel pathetic at home

Alone

Alone & pathetic

No verification from others and no apparent route to getting verification

Blaming myself

For not having this or that… for not having a person that loves me

Internalization

Blaming myself for being sad

Being sad is a natural human reaction… it’s nothing new or unique in me

Nothing to give myself an additional hard time for experiencing

It is true that she responds to that… she is repulsed by it

My attempts at control via externalization also have the outcome of being alone

So here I am

There is most likely no one alive that will live up to my demands… and I don’t live up to my own standards.

All there is to do is work in that direction

Sincerity of what I’m experiencing

Being a friend to myself

Genuine appraisal of options

Avoid the seduction of hope

I can enjoy & appreciate this moment of being alive

I do it for them & for me

For all the sufferers, all the lonely ones

There is another option than suffering

It has to be me because they aren’t going to go first

Courage

–

I still want to win them over

I just don’t see a reasonable route to doing that

Ultimately another pathetic undertaking

It has to be for them

A confused humanity

Trapped in themselves

Just like me

It is a self-sacrifice

Is intimacy & peace enough for me?

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Everything starts here. I am literally experiencing moments of something happening because of it.