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I’ve been following feelings of limerence toward a girl I play soccer with to their very end as twofold means toward greater sincerity - that is indeed how I am feeling - and motivation toward having the best possible outcome. There’s a huge well of tender feelings toward her, I don’t just want to take advantage of her, I want for her to be happy - and that means it’s in everyone’s interest to sort out all of this and go into everything with the greatest sincerity & near-innocence possible.
For the last few weeks she wasn’t at the weekly soccer game I’d normally see her at, which meant a funny few instances of built up tension followed by “oh… she isn’t here anyway lol.” This in itself has been instructive as it’s reminded me how much narrative-building happens when actual situations & outcomes are often a surprise and turn out completely differently.
This week though she did show up, and what was immediately apparent was my lack of relaxation toward her, I found myself simultaneously wanting to look at her and not look at her too much, and analyzing her every move. It seemed she was less interested in interacting with me than she was the last time, whether that is any indication of any feelings toward me, or is just reflective of her mood this week, or pure coincidence I have no idea. What I’m certain of is my own feeling of tension.
It became especially apparent when I found myself talking with another player and I could see how easy it was, I just introduced myself, we talked about this & that, and went on our way. That’s how I want it to be. It feels hard to get there right now but I know it’s possible.
A lot of what I’ve been realizing in intensively investigating this lately has been how deeply this wanting to be loved comes out of insecurity and leads to a need to control. I find myself wanting a specific outcome and in wanting that outcome what I do is try to set things up for her to like me, which is manipulation in action.
I’m aiming toward directing that energy toward happiness & harmlessness… ‘I’ will always try to control, but what I can do is use that control toward wanting to investigate what there is to investigate, and become more and more happy & harmless.
I’ve been dropping more and more things that I normally reach for for ‘entertainment’ as I’ve been prioritizing investigation over all other things, and in that I’ve been paid back with some dazzling realizations and experinces of purity where before there had been heartache
It’s more obvious than ever the degree of my insecurity as I’ve shone a light on myself. The light partly consists of seeing: maybe something can work out. I don’t know the future. Maybe things can be really good. And that ‘maybe’ has been making it worth it to me to try. To dig into some things that have been too uncomfortable for a long time. Things that I’ve been avoiding.
It’s pretty convenient that I see her at soccer because that’s been one of the main avenues I’ve used for investigation over the years. I’ve learned a lot about my feelings of competitiveness, and have had a lot of success in relaxing and having a purely fun time in that context. That association almost seems perfectly fated in this situation… I’m in the perfect context to have success, because I’ve already done it. There are other factors at play now, but I know how to be happy & harmless at soccer.
I think my strategy of being happy & harmless & seeing what comes of that can’t go wrong because if that’s how I am and she isn’t attracted, it’s for the best anyway. My interest in her isn’t as significant if that’s the case. I’ve seen that happen with other girls already.
But I have to get there.
I’ve been surprised by how many disparate parts of my identity have been drawn into this investigation. I’ve found that a lot of my insecurity comes from the (seemingly) different area of work, because I’m not completely comfortable in my work & economic identities. This has come up in a couple of previous romantic dynamics, and so I’m anticipating that it’ll be an issue for her. It contributes to a sense of insecurity in how I relate to her. It’s really fascinating how these connections happen.
I reminded myself that she doesn’t necessarily have those beliefs, I have dated others who it’s not that much of an issue for. But it has also spurred me to figure it out just to figure it out. It’s obvious that it troubles me.
A lot of my deeper processing right now happens in bed, I’ll open up some topic that I know I’m having trouble with or has a lot of energy and let the feeling loose. And then once it’s operating, just watch it until I start to see it as a feeling and nothing more. Once this happens, I see that I don’t have to keep feeling it anymore. It’s like I’ve disconnected it from the initial belief, it’s a floating emotion, and it has no reason to continue.
Once it’s ended, the trigger itself has either ended also or is significantly weaker.
The most challenging part of this process is not being carried along by narratives and avoiding the issue itself… I have to be interested enough and fearless enough to look it right in the face. Every time, it feels important and scary until that moment that once again, it’s just a floating emotion. Floating fear, or floating insecurity, or floating anger.
It’s a lot easier for me to do at this point with the bigger and more negative emotions, but maybe I can experiment with some of the more suble things and see if I can do the same thing. I’ve also only really been able to do it in bed with my eyes closed, it’s like being other places is too distracting. But again, something I can practice and see if I can improve.
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This is random and a completely different topic but I noticed today that I’ve always had some issue going on. On a particular day it sort of feels like that issue is really big and important and has always been important like that, but it really hasn’t been. Last month I was worried about a completely different girl and a completely different situation, the month before that I was worried about a totally different angle and a totally different issue, and on and on. The issues don’t change, but what has been relatively consistent has been the emotional tone to the fears.
I am happy to say I’ve been trending in a happier and more harmless direction… I can remember being so enmeshed in bad feelings a few years back, to where I could hardly move. That doesn’t happen often anymore.
But it is funny. These things seem so important, and then they’re just not… usually because I’m worried about something else! There’s just this worry slot that insists on being filled with something.
But I clearly survive just fine without taking care of every single worry. When a new worry comes in, the previous thing apparently doesn’t matter… it’s taken care of. So obviously it doesn’t matter.
The irony of all this girl concern, too, is that some of the happiest periods of my life I wasn’t dating anyone at all. I’ve also been happy with people. It’s not really a necessity. It’s just this instinctive drive that happens when I see the right person.
I’ve had a couple glimpses of real purity earlier. One of them when I’d just woken up from a nap. I’m still in the afterglow of that.
If I do date someone again, that’s who I want to be with them. And that starts tonight, and continues tomorrow, and just goes on and on. Every part of life is connected in me.
I had this thought a couple days ago that she’s out there somewhere, right now. Physically out there. Somehow that’s hard for my narrative-brain to comprehend, it sort of breaks it in a way that’s really delightful. I have no idea what she’s doing. I don’t even know if she’s alive or dead. And in a way I’m in her company already, even if we’re dating or not, who cares? What I want is to enjoy her company, and for her to enjoy mine. Any relationship doesn’t matter and probably only mucks that up anyway.
Once I start thinking of her as being this ‘person,’ I’m already maneuvering for control. Trying to control her.
It would be a missed opportunity.
The love is reaching out from loneliness to be comforted. The loneliness is where ‘I’ am. Where I live, what I am.
That’s a good place to stop writing. I can take a closer look at that feeling now.
). That I would ‘say the wrong thing,’ get kicked out of the group, and be sitting there in the rain, an orphan of humanity with dirt on my face. Yet in actuality there is no group… there is always someone who is delighted to see a happy & harmless person. Some people will think I’m weird, but it’s not a good enough reason to live a life of tightness.
