I appreciate what I (think) you’re doing here, which is trying to replace ‘realisations’ with facts
It seems when I don’t get something I want I start blaming myself and hating myself, as well as spinning in circles of misery that I’m not good enough for this or that.
It has helped me seeing that ‘getting this or that’ is pretty circumstantial, and also that there’s nothing ‘out there’ preventing me from trying to. Additionally, not getting this or that thing is ok, I can just accept that I don’t have something rather than spinning up a shame narrative.
But what I found most useful was that quote, “I have been exposed and humiliated, I want to disappear as this being”.
Richard talks about that sense of exposure, when ‘I’ see ‘myself’ in action it’s inherently uncomfortable because my fraudulent nature is obvious to see. He talks about bringing ‘myself’ into the bright light of awareness, where I can’t survive.
I realized that my feelings of shame were just more expressions of ‘me,’ and it was very easy to stop. I haven’t had any feelings of shame pop up since then, so maybe I’ve dealt it a blow.
Yes, the shame is there to distract from whatever underlying issue, which is actually the more painful one. If I just feel ashamed, I get to continue sitting on my hands. It’s the same with guilt
You can also bring down that which “exposed and humiliated” one.
Because it certainly wasn’t the actions of pure intent to expose and humiliate anyone.
Humiliation is the pale imitation of something being silly. The dark Danteian circles of hell, which give gravity to the real. When, in every single report of becoming free it is rather a jovial, happy person who sees that it is silly to keep waving their hand in front of the face of a person actually sitting there, or walking down a perfectly safe path, or greeting someone after getting off a plane…
Feeling embarrassed is often a side-effect of a genuine realization - as in, “I can’t believe I was acting so silly all this time!” but certainly not something to dwell on
tbh I mostly don’t feel such embarrassment anymore, of course I start out as a ‘being’ and thus often am silly.
All this is funny because ‘I’ am the only one that can make me become free.
Which means whatever bundle of neuroticisms and anxieties that we are now, is the one that will generate the requisite energy to dismantle that very same bundle.
There’s no need to dislike oneself to want to remove oneself
So, progressively, starting from potentially a lot of guilt and shame, we via pure intent are able to simply feel silly! Which is something that I am looking for now.
