Hell yeah. Hence, I am humanity and humanity is me. In the psyche, the outside is the inside and the inside is the outside.
Right, like Adam H has been exploring; the intimacy can seem like it’s ‘unmanly’, or stepping on another’s toes (not his words). I am meant to “stay in my lane” as a man.
Which is that draining aspect. When I only allow a small part of me to interact, (my opinion is the ‘masculine’ is actually a subset of the ‘feminine’, but that’s my work hypothesis), there is no wonder why I feel cut off in normal feeling terms. Obviously, the entire psychic realm is in the way of actual intimacy.
Control. The small control is the social control (I can’t ‘be’ feminine), the big control is the entirety of the psyche (‘God’)
I reject others because I believe they cause my suffering
I desire others because I believe they can prevent my suffering
But I’m responsible for my own suffering and I am capable of removing it myself
They’re just my scapegoat, and nature’s way of manipulating this body - this life
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Wow, well said.
Haha this is so cool because it’s more or less what I have been exploring lately too, to be intimate with myself as a stepping stone to an intimacy with another.
If I cannot have intimacy with myself to begin with I will struggle to ever be intimate with my partner.
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A cool example of this was observing my little brother especially when he was very young. It was clear that the way he experienced himself and the world around was in the same naive way - soft, open, curious, delighting etc. He had this experience of himself as much as of the world around - naive intimacy is the word!
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Wow this is really quite big, I can see this shifting around a lot right now, it’s very key to sexuality, to have that naive intimacy with my partner I am experiencing the very same thing with myself. It’s like being this big kid completely uninhibited in the intimacy with myself and the other.
To give myself permission to remove the conditioning in myself is key in order to be able to ‘gift’ this naive intimacy to another, I cannot have one without having the other.
Great pointers for where I want to be.
Yeah, It always circles back to more of this. More spontaneous, unpretentious, enjoyment.
Funny how they are such long words for such simple things.
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Yeah so simple but it takes so much unearthing to locate it, it’s most definitely worth it based on the little inklings I have been getting lately.
I remember when my little brother in that naïve state would randomly sit on my lap and reach out to hug or play. It’s the kind of light, delightful closeness that’s on a completely different level to things like love or what have you. It’s the kind of closeness that leaves an impression because it’s completely outside of what I can have as a social identity.
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11|29|22
I want to be the best
That’s what motivates me
That means being happy & harmless each moment again
No more letting things slide if I’m going to do this
I’ve been shaken in the past because of wanting to be the best and not getting certain things that I associated with being the best
Like, the belief that if I want to be the best, then I must have the best car
It’s more like, being 100% at peace with not having the best car
No trace of disappointment
11|30|22
I can see I’m looking for confirmation from others about success
Previously my belief was that having a partner was that confirmation
“I am successful with actualism, and that is why I have a girlfriend.”
That’s why the breakup was shattering, and why it has been difficult to accept
Even when I was with her there was doubt, because I could wonder if she was really the best woman to be with
As long as there are different options, there can be that insecurity
Even if I’m the fastest gunslinger, there can be some young fast kid coming up
Freedom doesn’t work that way, but these real-world ‘bests’ do.
So I want to remove the middle-man and have my judgment of myself based on the degree of factual success I’m having, the degree to which I’m happy & harmless & experiencing magicality in my life
I can recall times when I was doing really well, experiencing a lot of magicality, and then I’d find myself reaching for that social confirmation
My belief was that because I was doing well, that I could then have success socially. And maybe I could, temporarily. It’s not something that can be counted on.
The buddhists say that suffering is because of change
Richard says that I am suffering and suffering is me
The ‘me’ that wants to be successful
It’s the same me that will do everything necessary to become free
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(Cont.)
What do I think I have to gain from the worrying?
From the desiring?
I find myself being terribly critical of myself but without offering anything I can do anything about
I’m absolutely determined to give myself the best chances for success possible.
I’ve embodied that energy a lot: determination, intensity.
It can only do so much… some things cannot be got with determination alone.
So many things are beyond my control. Most things, actually - by a huge margin
The determination is misguided because I’m attempting to control things that I can’t control
The mission is lost before it begins for that reason.
I think I’m accomplishing something by ‘being’ determined, intense.
It’s gotten me out of bed at times, but it’s off the mark more often than not. Hence frequent disappointments
I got out of bed and then wound up more disappointed & discouraged than I was before. That’s not so useful…
So it looks like I dream up something I want, then activate determination & intensity, then go try and get it. But the actual success rate with these things is like 10%. Probably lower. And I wind up feeling powerless + pathetic, because I believed that the determination + intensity would get it done.
Then I believe that there’s something wrong with me, but that’s not quite it. I just dreamed up an illusory scenario. What’s wrong with me is that I dreamed up an illusory scenario. That’s my worldview. And love is the ultimate illusion.
As soon as I experience beauty, I have a next step I want to take. I already have desire.
That’s already setting up the illusion to chase.
Hope.
There’s a whole long chain of things to hope for, all based on feeling particular ways.
And there aren’t that many things I can actually do to make those things more likely to happen. Even fewer that I actually want to do.
At that point all that hope is really based on something metaphysical. Waiting for something magical to do it for me, or for me to channel some kind of imagined spiritual power
Hope, again, as an antidote for despair
Both based on imagination, belief
I have seen how my consciousness has changed for the better in PCE or excellence
That’s not belief
This determination is all belief
The despair is belief too. I’m despairing only because I believed ‘X’ would happen in the first place, when it was never going to - at least in a particular instance.
Particularity - that’s an interesting idea. Each situation particular to how it is, now
No belief there
This moment is very particular
What’s the problem I have with now?
It’s a feeling of let-down, disappointment… “is this all there is?”
A put-down of the universe
The universe doesn’t care what I think about it. I’ll live & die regardless. It’s not going to change its ways because of my complaints
It’s for me to change myself
I don’t want to waste this life being disgruntled because of my impossible demands
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Call?
Mañana!
12|2|22
Sad abt feeling alone - separated
Or maybe more accurate to say feeling alone is a sad feeling
I can see myself being happy conditionally, if I’m with friends or a girl, but not right now
The belief is that the friends I do have and the girls that are interested in me aren’t enough
So I think in the past I’ve just gone with the flow and been happy when those around me are happy, and down when they were down, so it was all quite random. Or rather, human.
Similarly, the times I was happy + alone it was because I believed I was on track for some ‘good’ thing to happen.
I’ve been leaning on ‘I’m going to become free’ as that conditional good thing, but I’ve realized that doesn’t work because it’s not a sure thing. It’s just more belief, which means doubt as well
The enjoyment has to happen now, as things are now.
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I began noticing the loneliness and reminding myself that I am never actually alone. The very stuff of the universe is what I am. So the sky and the ground, flowers, trees, pavement, air…
Many years ago, Richards words about loneliness not being about being alone, but rather not where one is, now, helped me a lot.
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I am having some success with the approach of simply reminding myself, and also enjoying the natural freedom one has being alone.
I think for me this is one of those ‘I know this is the right answer, but I’m not quite feeling it’ things
The last couple times things have loosened up for me seem related to when I’ve just decided ‘fuck it, I’m not going to worry about this right now’
Learning to simultaneously do this and continue being engaged with life