Personally, I think I will need to do a “Peter” on this one, as there is a lot to unpack in the 3 words which have so far rung a bell;
Commitment
Love
Expectations
There’s also the accumulated distress of having failed/been failed in previous relationships.
Can I drop it all? Maybe.
I am determined to use the opportunity to pull back the rug and examine everything I have been sweeping under it for decades.
I think the main thing is making sure that any decision arrived at is as sincere as possible. Of course we all know the ‘right answer’ is dropping the love, but there’s a big difference of genuinely doing that & covertly maintaining hopes
This is what happens to me too.
Only when the commitment/ love vibe arrived.
There is a choice happening. (Hehe, recent discussions 
). Something clicks over into a whole realm of emotional calculations.
Will I get what I really want?
This is a great question
Love has a ‘what I really want,’ but it’s always dangled just out of reach
But I don’t need her, or love, or commitment to enjoy & appreciate, right now.
I’m starting to think the only way to drop love is within the context of a love relationship. The feelings are so unpredictable and strong sometimes that no amount of theorizing from the sidelines will ever give you real results.
Anyway, @henryyyyyyyyyy and @Andrew I am eager to read your ongoing sagas and whether you can maintain your feeling good or you get entangled by love. Either way, it’s useful stuff.
Haha, grab the popcorn 
I am toying with the idea of a 6 axis spreadsheet with 3 dimensions of space and 3 of time!
So much to consider.
If I never have to express love in a relationship, then it’s a bit more easy peasy as an actualist because I could secretly give up love even while in the relationship…but problem will happen when there is expectations in the form of reciprocation…like if she says “I love you”…then what ?
As a feeling being, I will also naturally have loving feelings build up…so let’s say I reciprocate n say it back…but then this will reinforce the loving circuitry…no ? … which circuitry is something that as an actualist I have to weaken and eliminate…not only this, but by reciprocating I might be a tad deceptive to the person, if she expects lifelong love whilst I’m secretely planning to give it up at some point in time…in other words, it’s a waste of another person’s time if they want love
The approach of wanting intimacy - things are somewhat tricky here because colloquially speaking everyone takes intimacy to mean the affectionate kinds rather than the actualist kind of sincere, naive and ultimately actual intimacy
I’m still trying to figure out a few things…thinking in terms of the “trap of love” is proving key to incline more towards actuality
It’s a tricky territory for sure…the ideal is like Kubas relationship with a fellow actualist hehe
I don’t really see it that way. I am in love. It’s my reality right now, and who knows for however long. I am not being duplicitous just because I am working towards something better. Maybe I am reinforcing love, but I am also seeing its pitfalls while fully engaging with it. I wouldn’t even say I’m secretly planning to give it up. If love proves to not be the answer, then it is sensible to look for something better. With your approach it seems like you won’t give love a chance and just push it down. Not saying that is the case though.
Oh no…I’ve already been in a full blown loving relationship with all it’s ups n downs…as an actualist now who doesn’t want to go the love route, my only problem happens now in expectations of reciprocation
But then it’s all actually such a pioneering adventute to figure all this out !
@geoffrey described how his family members are always projecting emotions onto him, going so far as thinking that he’s mad at them at times, the same thing would be happening with love. Just by being nice to be around, kind, caring, they’ll think there’s love happening even if it’s not. I don’t think it’s all that much of an issue.
The “I love you too” thing is an interesting one which I’ve also faced before, it comes down to 2 things: are you telling your partner about actualism (and what it entails) or not, and that there is morality around being secretive / deceptive / duplicitous. Lying is one of the things that bothers humans the most, but that isn’t reason enough for it to never be the right answer. Richard uses the example of the Nazis coming to the door asking if you’re hiding Jews under your floorboards, but there are other situations where it may be genuinely the best thing to do.
If you’ve determined - sincerely - that it’s better to not tell your partner about actualism, then you’re going to be faced pretty immediately with that “I love you too” situation, and it would be pretty damn weird to not say “I love you too.” So the simplest thing would be to just say it, allow her to experience the love (even if it’s not technically there), and carry on the business of actual caring (or caring to the best degree you’re capable of).
I will say though that Richard says that there are hardly any situations he has to lie in and hadn’t told a lie in years and obviously he lives with another actually free person and has made a habit of being with people at least interested in freedom over the last ~35 years. So that’s also worth consideration.
I personally am taking the route of telling prospective partners about actualism, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right approach for every situation. It’s a fact that 99% of people won’t become actualists, something like 97% won’t grasp it very well, and maybe 90% will think it’s a bad thing once they hear about the ‘no love’/'no emotions aspect.
Another thing is that generally those who grasp for love & the performative trappings of love the most are the most insecure people. The purpose of love is palliative / reassuring, and a happy / assured person doesn’t have to jump into it as often.
Mostly I think it’s a non-issue because by being a caring, kind, attentive person, you’re checking all the boxes that love purports (and fails) to.
I’m remembering something else from early in my previous relationship, which is a bit of a version of actualist morality, and that was thinking “ok, no love allowed… I know! I’ll just be cold & distant!”
That is NOT it.
I think it’s easy for the identity to guess at that and it goes back to confusing the trappings of love with love itself.
It’s not ‘against actualism’ to take a partner on a nice date, buy them flowers, or tell them that you like them a lot. Yes those things are normally associated with love, but love itself is an emotion. It’s missing the point to go on a fatwa against showing love to a partner and then be ultra cold & distant with them. All that’s happened is now you’re feeling cold & distant, which is certainly not the same as feeling good.
A free person is someone that can do anything under the sun, but it’s coming from the mind freed of sorrow, malice, love, & compassion. Sometimes that means booking a vacation to cancun with someone you like hanging out with.
11|15|22 (part 2)
Hung out with new girl again (I’m going to call her ‘C’ here for convenience) and had a great time. Lots of giggling. Successful adjustments, good job @henryyyyyyyyyy
Can still see that I’m in the way. Incremental progress 
Here is where things can get weird and interesting when it comes to actual caring- to actually care for someone is for them to never suffer … which means - as odd as it sounds - for them to not experience love because love comes with suffering.
I have a small case in example from my last relationship…She said that she doesn’t miss me because there isn’t anything to hold us despite all the fun etc…this sounded quite good to me actually and I asked her isn’t that a good thing that she is free from the grip of this negative feeling…to which she said that she misses the feelings of missing someone …to which I said something like that’s sadism…to which she said yeah she knows, but…Checkmate…wisdom of the real world😎
The human addiction to suffering is legendary…Even now on rare ocassions, I feel like indulging in sad songs hehe
Also, when it comes to care… I think Richard said in those taped dialogues something like A cares for B and B cares for A and both get care … so might as well care for oneself because end result is the same…
However medical care is a different thing…sometimes one cannot care for oneself and external care is required
Yep, that’s part of why I prefer to tell prospective partners about actualism, when the time is right. In this case it came up pretty quickly because she asked what I was doing visiting Australia 
I think where things might get tipped in the direction of ‘it’s better not to say anything’ sometimes (often?) would be that we can’t force or even really convince anyone else to give up on love or become interested in actualism. It really has to come from them. So sometimes saying something might just cause more damage than potential benefit.
I think Richard says something about not being able to force anyone to experience perfection lol
Of course it’s equally as true for you & I
11|16|22
Running through the same fears and fantasy I’ve had since I first became aware I had it in 2017
Can I attract the right girl? Am I enough? Am I rich enough? Do I have enough influence?
The money would just be for toys to catch her attention. It’s not enough. It’s not genuine.
Influence is impossible. I can get influence by selling real-world things to people. But actualism doesn’t have that pop appeal.
What I want is someone that’s genuinely happy to be there.
And I realized the whole fantasy is something that is possible, I’ve just been missing the point this whole time.
It’s just about being happy to be here. It can be done. Richard, Peter, Vineeto, Grace. Srinath and Geoffrey. Craig. And the woman from India. That is one potential outcome. I can’t count on it, but it is possible. And it starts right now, with me, here, today.
This whole time I’ve been trying to dismantle the fantasy by seeing its falsity, but really what I want is completely possible. I just have to do my side.
The fantasies seem to consist of rearranged memories projected into the future
As such they can never happen
11|27|22
Just had a chat w @Andrew , thought I’d note down an aspect that strikes at the center of me
Intimacy with myself
What I want from the women I fantasize about is intimacy
When I’m with people I’m not fully intimate
I can’t receive the intimacy fully from them
And I can’t give it to them either
So the fantasy falls apart every time. It’s being prevented by me being in the way
By being intimate with myself (& the universe at large), I’m fulfilling what I want from others
It’s not something I have to chase in the future anymore, because it’s here now
Reflecting on it after reading your post, I think an aspect of intimacy with oneself is feeling that sexual energy within one’s body, and being able to enjoy it without needing a release or anybody else.
This is where my goals are going at the moment. To cultivate that energy, to have like the Taoists say a “reservoir” of that energy. Have it circulating through myself. So when I am with my partner, I am not there for her to give me anything, I am already engaged in that energetic enjoyment of being a sexual thing.
Which means, engagement various feelings, conditioning, and mostly with my attitude and “metal sanitation”; not getting sucked in (anymore) to the chase of the other. Which leaves me drained and barren.
Someone posted a quote from Richard a month ago or so about ‘enjoying how one is’
Whatever ‘I’ am in whatever moment, is my energy.
So whether it’s sexual or otherwise there’s something to enjoy in it.
Also Vineeto describes post-freedom an ongoing orgasmic sensation - could be something to smell in the direction of.
What I was thinking was an energy outside of me, is actually me. It’s a series of conditioning and natural channelling which makes me a ‘man’ and her a ‘woman’. The energy is me.
So in effect, the segregation itself isn’t between me and others, it’s me and me.