9|24|22
Judgment, feelings of being critical
Interesting I’m using the word judgment in two different senses here
As moral judgment but also sensible judgment of choosing one or another option
The future doesn’t exist but we still have to make some kind of choices about things
Eat that chocolate cake or no?
Date this person or that person?
I’m bringing the future into it so much with this stuff
“Who are the options to date?”
My imagination about it is so diffuse
It’s weird
I can’t predict the future…
It’s like trying to predict “when’s the next time I’ll be in a traffic accident”
I just put a seatbelt on and drive as well as I can
Make a judgment of how fast to drive…
Pay for insurance…
To whatever degree I find feasible.
It is a little weird trying to draw a comparison between trying to avoid something and trying to accomplish something
The goal is to approach this sensibly
I am overthinking it… when someone interesting enough comes along and the situation is such that I take whatever next step, then the situation will unfold and I will take each next action as required for each new moment.
That can mean a continuation, or it can mean a situation only lasts so long. I can’t prevent that outcome in advance no matter how much I try to anticipate.
All of this is reactionary to different fears
Fears of loneliness, fears of feeling pain with a relationship ending, and fears of difficult emotions happening while in a relationship
Different versions of ‘fears of future emotions’
Which is the same thing as being afraid of those situations, now
Afraid of those emotions occurring
Can I handle myself? Can I handle being alive?
I did handle this most recent challenge. Some things happened which from the perspective of ‘normal’ were very difficult.
And I’m doing very well. And I’ve only learned more and gotten more adept at handling such situations via the experience and via the work I’ve done since then.
This is also related to larger questions of confidence that I can/am making the most of life, that I’m able to accomplish having a good/happy life.
I’m holding a distance from that, there’s a resentment that has to do with the concept of adventure
I feel cut off from adventure because I simultaneously desire it and feel it’s too much of a risk or something that I can’t afford right now
This is related to the romantic thing too, because I imagine that being adventurous is something required to be attractive
That’s my projection, it has to do with my reality. So there is belief there
I feel limited by my economic capacity, my physical capacity, and my mental capacity.
These are interesting ideas, ‘capacity.’
They can change… there is identity in them.
No one else is ultimately preventing me from having adventures. There is nothing in this universe saying, “you cannot have adventures.”
Adventure exists in contrast to ‘normal’ life, routine. Routine is ‘boring,’ aka “I don’t want to be here.” Adventure is exciting, enjoyable.
‘I’ believe that the PCE is related to adventure.
It is true that I have had PCEs when doing things that ‘I’ consider adventurous. For that matter, PCEs have this character that life is an adventure
It has a religious quality to it, “I believe that if I do ‘x’ activity, I will get to feel ‘x’ way” (some combination of excited & PCE)
My projection of what being happy is
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Just remembered Richard’s old standby, “it doesn’t ultimately matter, so I’ll just drop it,” which seems to be helping here. Even if I can’t “figure it out” (is it even an issue that can be ‘figured out?’), I can just drop it. It’s more worth it to me to become free, which means enjoying & appreciating right now, than it is to “figure it out.”
