This has been my exact experience over the last couple of days as well, seeing the ‘whole picture’ more clearly and allowing myself to be a bit mad about it, and then there’s nothing left to do as far as that goes - I can’t change everyone else, after all! So now I go to my job and take care of everything but with none of the seriousness & anxiety which has always dogged work for me. The whole thing is a scam, and as such I don’t need to feel bad for not ‘putting my all’ into it. I have better places to ‘put my all!’
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This has been continually on my mind. It seems to me that there is still some ‘gap’ for me, that I am not yet fully engaging with others or the world on an emotional level. The gap has closed significantly but is still there. I am not sure what I need to do to fully ‘re-associate,’ but I see it as the most essential step for me right now.
I have been more fully exploring/researching ideas which previously had been ‘taboo,’ there’s so much to be learned and it’s challenging to put things together, it feels similar to entering a massive cavern. With this comes thrill, which has been great news and has opened me up hugely. I noticed the other night as I went to bed that nowhere was there the usual depression of aimlessness; I had spent the evening digging into information which obviously vitally connects to the well-being of the species.
As long as I had been playing within the sandbox of my pre-approved belief system there was no thrill and no jeopardy, because everything had already been ‘set up’ by someone else, some distant authority who was ‘in charge’ of what was going to happen, thus absolving me of any involvement - all I had to do was agree with the talking points, argue with the right people, and maybe show up to the occasional protest. It’s clear to me in this moment that that has had an anesthetizing effect on me. Now, it’s more obvious that these things are actually happening, and by fully involving myself, I am obviously involved in the outcome as well. I am no longer an anonymous sheep, but an acting agent.
An interesting element is that I can see myself instinctively seeking a ‘tribe,’ for example instinctively pre-emptively defending the opposite political camp despite still having an infantile understanding of the field. Apparently it is unbearable to not be in any camp at all.
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Returning to the initial subject above, there is some connection. I research because I want the best outcome for all, myself included, and that is a felt desire. I think part of where I have dissociated has been from being rejected by my peers in the past (primarily online along identity politics lines) and feeling hurt by that. I found myself in a strange position of partly still believing in their views while also feeling hurt & threatened by them. It left me with a resentment and anger that I felt I had to hide, which I think has led to the dissociation. Part of that dissociation has been an inability to see my ‘enemies’ as humans - I see them only as people that I desire to be closer to, while simultaneously experiencing fear and anger toward them.
A lot of how this has been beginning to resolve has been by recognizing that they (as individuals) are victims of their own belief systems. Their social and cultural lives have centered around holding certain beliefs, and within those beliefs they might see me as lesser, or as an enemy. They don’t know me, but the judgment is there.
So it was never really about me, it was about their beliefs. There isn’t much I can do to change anyone’s mind, so it’s best to just move on with my life. I also now see them as being just as lost as I felt until very recently.
I had a very moving experience yesterday watching a live seminar in my town with a variety of political & social alignments all working toward the same goal of combating human trafficking. I could see how everyone was trying to put together what was happening, that they all cared a lot about the issue but they each had their own worldview of what the issue was and how to tackle it. It was comedic at times seeing how big the gulf in worldviews and priorities was, but the common thread was that felt desire to do something. That’s the humanizing for me right now, and that’s where I can see I’m beginning to open up again.
I can’t prevent others from attacking me sometimes, but as @Claudiu pointed out I can be thoughtful/careful about what I say to who, and when I am attacked I can recognize where they are coming from and not take it personally, not retreat into a depressive shell as I always have. That’s where engaging in thrill is again helpful. Plenty of thrill to go around here!
Through this process, good & evil & the powers they wield have begun to come into focus. I have distanced myself from them for so long that it’s not fully there, but I intend to engage as fully as I can.